Thanks everyone. I think I am having a tough week, what with him just going off like that.

That is just what I thought scotty - do I show my next h and my children pictures from my first marriage and point out the pics of the OW in the album?

The clearout is supposed to be getting rid of anything not useful or beautiful - the album doesnt qualify at present.

Even if we recovered, her presence on the pics - at the wedding indeed would pollute them..

Oh and I looked so good that day and we looked so happy!

So maybe decide when the dust settles.

I don't disagree that you remove the pics of OW. I can see you with a pair of scissors cutting her outta your life. I KNOW you wouldn't regret cutting HER outta your life.

Why don't you box up all of it and send it to mum's? I am CERTAIN she will take care of it for you, and this way, you will be able to move ahead without them holding you back, and in the future, you can look at them and decide which ones you want to keep, and which ones you ditch.

It's funny that when you have something hit you outta left field, like finding out that Softlad moved, that you want to move forward more quickly.

I think Reading wants to make sure that you don't do something that you may regret one day.

As it is, there is a chance, albeit small right now, that you may recover with Softlad, and I think you may want some things to remind you of your earlier time. Never know, you know.

I'll tell what I did only because I want to be a miniscule part of indie's thread.

I burned everything, but I was raging.

Later, found a pair of her panties in the back corner of one of my drawers.

Burned them too

Later, months later, found a jacket in a spare closet that was kind of lost amongst my older clothes.

LOL...burned that too!

The ONLY thing I didn't burn was pictures of her(our)son that I was raising as my own, and called ME daddy. I very proudly called and think of him as my son,and still do...8 years later. Those pictures will be with me until the day I die.

Of course, she didn't leave me too many of those either.

ETA: indie, so sorry for what you're having to deal with. You're pain really does break my heart. Hang in there sweetheart.

My thoughts are from the perspective that

this is YOUR history.

Yes, you are in pain from betrayel and the photos, presently represent that betrayel.

If you put them somewhere they will not be a constant trigger, but, you did get married on that day at that event and it is part of who YOU are, no matter what WH and OW went on to do. YOU were a bride that day. YOUR history. They don't own that. They can't negate that.

When you destroy something that has no copies it is gone for good.

I'll give an example that isn't related to infidelity though I think of this event in my own life when considering what to keep and what not to keep.....

I, in 1981, had a fiance who wrote me beautiful letters and we were together only a couple years but he broke off our engagement and I destroyed the letters thinking that is what people do. Now, in 2012, I would love to read them and remember how they made me feel back then. Because it was a part of my life. My history. My experience. It doesn't matter at this point that the guy went on to marry someone else or have children or to whatever. It was my 1981. Mine.

reading summed it up for me. Reading your posts indie, regardless of softlad, you were proud to be a bride for the day. Proud of your beauty, proud of the family and friends that surrounded you to share your happiness.

I have wondered what to do with my wedding album. At one point thought of delivering it to Gollum's sister, but then thought Gollum is not worthy of ever having it fall into his tainted hands. So I have left it with my mother. As for the rings... I thought of selling them. But have tucked them away at the back of a drawer.

My hesitation largely comes from a friend's SIL. Her husband abandoned her and their 6-week-old baby many years ago (denies affair but hmmm?). In her pain and anger, she collected EVERYTHING to do with him, photos, albums, wedding gifts, clothes, gifts, the LOT and burned them. Six months later a very remorseful husband begged for another chance. About six years on, they have had more children and seem happy and committed.

Now that the pain has subsided she regrets losing all of the mementoes

Whether softlad mans up or not, those memories have shaped who you are today.

Yes, JUST so. Is that a common Plan B phenomenon? If so just wanted to underline it for the newbie-b-ers



I do know. As much as I would love to kick his [censored], I know that the right actions on his behalf, could win me back. And that he is at the mercy of Plan B consequences and his own wayward stupidity as to what his next move wil be. So anything could happen. I just prefer not to think about it, and also, people in RL would look at me like I was crazy i I said it was still 'possible'.

The singapore thing has me split in two. On the one hand he's not with her (although, in Plan B I couldnt swear to that. But I just know somehow). That is satisfying and I put it completely down to exposure. Also the fact he would hate the culture, lifestyle etc has me kind of pleased. He was desperate to run away from it all. Also due to exposure.



Yes, that is how I feel beneath the pain.
And that is not permananent.

WOW - yesterday my only indecision was I couldnt decide whether to burn them or chuck them! Now I am keeping them. Or rather, mum is.


Aw. So touching!

Oh I have my lovely new Blackberry now. A more organised me beckons do you think?

Uh-huh. I had it exactly ten minutes before I got myself in a fix.

I had deleted Softlads number on my old phone, but the sim card remembered it when I put it into the new. Seeing it come up, I wanted to delete it, but because I dont know how to work it totally yet, I CALLED him instead.

Panicked, I hung up quickly, then tried a different method of deleting which called him for a SECOND time.

So now, technically, he has my number though I dont see how he would have any idea it is mine. If he calls I am just going to have to ignore till he gives up.

One day, I won't make any mistakes. I will be on time for everything. I will understand algebra. I will be completely unruffled at all times, because my car keys will never be in the fridge and I will never slip in icy weather because I will have the foresight to wear the right shoes.

Ok, it doenst sound FUN but neither is being all arms and legs on a slippy side street. And breaking your eggs.

AHHHHHHHH You called him? How creepy.

Yes, I do think that it is a Plan B phenomenon. At least, that's what happened to me.

I have recently been questioning my thoughts about Gollum and something in this quote stuck with me.

How, in Plan B, do you just "know somehow". Are you making assumptions? Based on intuition? Hope? Or a belief that you know the man softlad was, and can therefore predict his current behaviour?

I have been thinking how I know NOTHING about Gollum. I can't predict his current behaviour because he is not the man I married. The man I married would not have lied to me, his sisters, family and friends. Nor would he have lasted another winter in the UK at a job he did not like. Any guesses (and that is what they are) about what he is now doing are based on my knowing the man he WAS, not who he IS.

I am curious about where this "know somehow" about softlad comes from.

I'm glad to find someone else who puts her car keys in the fridge. Do you ever find the milk where the car keys are supposed to be?

Good question! Thats got me thinking.

Well it isn�t based on my knowledge of his past character certaintly. The man I knew would not run away from ANYTHING. Its more based on �typical� wayward behaviour that I have viewed on these boards.

Waywards tend to follow the same script before the �crunch time� of rock bottom hits 1) cake eating and lying to those they respect or 2) run away from all they respect and find �new� friends they can either lie to more effectively or who have no moral standards anyway.

Number one is not an option for him, thanks to Plan B and exposure. I don�t know for a fact of course that he is doing no 2, it could be there genuinely is an opportunity abroad and he is leaving for career reasons. I just have a strong leaning towards the �running away� theory.

It�s fairly sad but I don�t view my H as my H any more, I just see him as an active wayward who pulls all the same stunts the others do.

Sounds like running to me, an 'opportunity' to reinvent himself as somebody more worthy, of better character.
Where better than somewhere no one knows what the real deal is.

Problem is, waywards can't run from that person staring back at them in the mirror every day, and somewhere buried deep inside is the 'old' him/her.

My WH seems to be following pretty much the same path as yours. As far as I can see, the path is not leading anywhere, certainly not to a happy, fulfilling future.

Stay strong girl!

Good answer You have put into words (more concisely than I could too) what I have been thinking.

I think our WH's have all read the same wayward handbook.

Oh dear. One of my cousins is a BW!

I do not know her as a grown up, but I used to stay with her family when I was little and she was an incredible, affectionate and bright girl (she lives miles away down south wich is why we dont see each other today). I did see her little family at a party for my grndmother a few years ago though. She has two lovely, bright eyed boys and a handsome caring husband.

A few days ago she confronted him about whether he was having an A and he cried and admitted it. He left to go stay with his best friend for the night.

She told her mother. Who told my aunt. Who told my mother. Who told me.

He came back the next day and she calls her mother saying they were going to work it out and she doesnt want anyone to know. She said you didnt tell anyone did you? So she says no and asks my aunt not to tell anyone else, and so on.

I dont have a way to contact her, I dont even know her married name.

I have asked for the name of the marriagebuilders site to be passed along to her. However it sounds as if she wants to sweep it under the rug.

Just dreadful, those poor kids.

My mother said a lovely thing tonight about the MB principles.

She has been doing her best to pass the message along to her sister that my cousin should check out the MB site and she was saying how much it had helped me.


She said that if softlad had been at all interested, we would have recovered our marriage.

She said that I had healed so much because of Plan B. She said: "We are not allowed to mention him at all to Indie, no matter what we might hear - and it IS better".

After ten minutes or so I said "That sounded like you meant better for all of you, not just me?"

She agreed and said: "Yes, because you have cut him out, we dont bother talking about him any more. Nothing he does will affect you, so there is no point worrying about him."

I was totally amazed by that. All this time I had assumed they were whispering like hell about him when I wasnt there.

And Plan B has helped them as much as me, because they dont have to worry about him hurting me! How amazing is that?

indie, this is great. This shows that Plan B helps whole families in addition to the betrayed spouse. Your family is supporting you in Plan B, and helping themselves by not allowing the toxic wayward to pollute their lives - excellent!

I continue to be impressed by your personal growth and strength. And I commend you for reaching out to other posters in the remarkable way you have done.

Keep up the good work: for yourself, and on this site.

Really cool.

It is totally selfish, bliss. I get great 'how to live a good life' tips and perspective on people still hurting and so no reason to mope about 'poor me'

But thank you!

Indie, I actually got a bit teary eyed reading what your mom wrote. It IS true though. You being in Plan B, and healing well, has helped those around you. They don't have to worry about how you are doing, etc. I think that is one of the reasons I push it on people. So I can feel better about them not being tormented by the A any longer. How insightful that mom of yours is. You're still quite certain that I am not your older sister or anything right? LOL

All us BW Plan Bers are sisters! You are my teacher too!

Though actually I DO have Scottish heritage.... hmmm?