Hi. I have been on your website for the past couple of days. Its a very helpful website. I have been going through this nightmare with my husband of 13 years.

We got married very young I was 18 and he was 19 years old. Had our first child at the age of 19 (me) him 20 years old. He first cheated on me when my son was about 3 years old.

He was on drugs back then when this happened. I filed for divorce because he said he my have found "the one" I was devastated , the affair went on for about 1 month or so then he begged me not to leave him. So we reconciled. Since then we grew up got our life in order after struggles.

Had 2 more kids. Nov 2009, he told me that he was confused and didn't know if he wanted to married anymore, that he wanted to find himself blah blah blah... so i put him out thinking he was needed to get away to clear his head.

But come to find out he was messing around with his female co worker, and a 18 year old hooters waitress. He ended things with his co worker saying he was gong to work things out with me and ended up in a relationship with this 18 year girl. He was 31 at the time. I literally wanted to die. It was so painful.

The whole time he was in this relationship with this 18 year old. he would text, call, email me..even tried to sleep with him (which i made the mistake of doing) only for him to be with this 18 year old girl the very next day.

I filed for divorce after this event. Again he didn't want to divorce, we ended up "working things out" he moved back in. Then i felt another shift (come to find out he was talking to this girl still) so i kicked him out.

He went on for about 1 month. Then begged me to be with him again. We ended up getting back together. things were good for awhile, then he started going out a lot, got a DWI, was on steroids. and i felt this shift once again.


I was dealing with my best friends mom passing away losing her battle with cancer. and while i was grieving he AGAIN had some bartender lined up.

He didn't come home one night so i went through his phone records and called all the numbers i didn't recognized and sure enough a female answers the phone after me blowing up her phone literally prob close to 50 calls.

Make long story short I had his stuff packed and had it outside for him to pick up. We got into nasty arguments. While i was in so much pain he was messing around with this girl. While i was taking care of children he was totally Missing in action. Doing what he wanted to do.

Enjoying life with this new girl doing drugs, drinking, going on trips etc etc. I kicked him out mid April of 2011. We are now in Jan 2012.

During this time of separation, he would sent me emails how sorry he was, texting me almost every other day telling me he was miserable etc. Up until about 3 weeks ago. I bought into his story.

Come to find out he is still with this girl. met her family for the holidays. She has met his parents. They practically live together. I found all this out for myself via FACEBOOK. I filed for divorce in AUGUST 2011. I am so hurt. I am lost.

I am raising the kids alone. He has the kids 1 month for about 7 hours.My oldest and middle child hates being around him
I have all boys. What am i to do?? Do you think my husband and this girl will have a lasting relationship?

They've been "dating" for going on 9 months now? how can this be?? I am angry. I know i need to let go but its like my obsession. I wake up thinking about them and go to sleep thinking about them.

He was messing with my mind this whole 8 months until i threw in the No contact and told him all that i knew that he was doing. i told him that it really hurt me. I am lost what do i do???? please help me.

i filed divorce 3 time. this is my 3rd time with the same man. I am so lost. I am scared. I am sad. I have 3 small children. he is still with this OW. I just cant understand how they can do this to a family and go to sleep at night. She knows he has children. And is still married. Will they have a lasting relationship.They have been together for going on 9 months now.

Welcome to MB, lost. I am sorry to hear of the events in your marriage.

My first suggestion is that you click the notify" button and ask a moderator to move your thread to the forum Surviving an Affair. It gets far more traffic than this forum and you will get help from posters experienced at advising on affairs. It is the weekend, though, and still early morning in the USA where most posters are based, so you will get answers slowly at first. Where are you posting from?

Also, I suggest that you break your post up into paragraphs of 2-3 lines long, the way mine is. It is very difficult for people to read large blocks of text. Click the "edit" button to edit your post.

Hey Lost! I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm not sure if you are asking if we think you should reconcile or trust him or exactly what you are asking or if you just need to talk through this. I always find talking/typing my issues out really helps.

I was married to a lying, cheating, womanizer and I reconciled with him many times. I finally realized (even though I thought he had changed for a period of 8 years) that he would always be this person and I had to remove myself from the poison he was putting in my life. I let him emotionally abuse me to where I have NO confidence in myself with things I say or do. I second guess everything. He almost destroyed my life and I almost let him. I can't tell you what to do but I can tell you my life is GOOD without him in it.

Now, I will say this - I doubt he believes that you will ever completely go through with this divorce because you have taken him back so many times. You need to decide what you want for your life and strive for that goal. If you can't live without hm and can continue to put up with his ways, do what you can to make it work. If you are going to be miserable for the rest of your life, ask yourself if it's truly worth it.

Have you sought counseling? Also, sign up for the divorce care emails. Many of them help even though some of them don't apply to my life.

sugarcane: i have taken your suggestions! thank you.

prissanna:

I am sorry to for the way your husband treating you this way. I can understand, i've been there. My stbxh is very controlling, selfish, manipluates (and will opening say) that it is a gift. he confuses me and make me feel worthless. The sad thing is i have children with him. 3 boys.

I have not had counseling.
This is the first forum that i have joined. I am so glad that i found this place, reading/venting here has been really helpful!

So many ppl going through the same things. Why do theses cheaters all sound the same? crazy.
I am in the USA.
Houston.

I thought this type of relationship doesnt last but They have benn together for going on 9 months?? i am confused!

Here is an informative thread to read when you first find marriage builders.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Read it and order the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley.

You will see how to proceed from here.

i just read this link. Thank you! it is really helpful~

Lost, what is it that you want to accomplish? Do you want to try to save your marriage? You have a serial cheater on your hands, and while it isn't impossible to recover a marriage from that, it is a lot more difficult.

Since you've filed for divorce three times now, it's going to be harder to get this serial cheater to take you seriously. I guess the first thing you need to ask yourself is, do you WANT to save your marriage? No one can answer that for you. He's going to need some hard and fast boundaries.

Read all of the material you can on here, there's a lot.

If he is seeing you and seeing her both, he is getting his cake and eating it too and won't make a choice between you, he thinks he can have both worlds. If he is already living away from you with her, I would go no contact with him. Have you exposed his affair to his and your families, hers too, friends, etc.? How about her job?

Your issue is not your husbands affair.
You are married to an addict.
A big time addict. Affairs become addictive. Your husband is already a drug addict and has probably been an affair addict his whole life. Is he also an alcoholic?
Do you use drugs or alcohol?
I think you should focus on YOURSELF and start going to al-anon meetings.
Yoour children will not benefit being raised by a drug addict.

I dont know what i want.All i know is im in alot of pain.
He has already been in this "relatioship" with this OW for about 9 months..... do you all think they will last??

HDW
No i dont do drugs.
He drinks im sure. I am not sure about the drug use theses days..( he was not on drugs the whole time in our marraige)
He says he doesnt do drugs anymore, but who knows?

Yea, i am dong to no contact currently.

I do not see him sleep with him or even entertain him at this point.
I am in a lot of pain. But i have 3 kids to look after so i Must come out of this..

KAY:
I have told his parents but they gave him their condo key knowing he was going with this OW. (beach house) i was like wow! really???? but yes...

Im sure he spends alot of his time at her place.
I dont allow him to be with me.. and i think at this point since i've been doing the No contact. He thinks/knows that he cant play with my mind all the time. My kids know about the affair....MY stbxh will text me asking and telling me he misses his kids etc... and tries to blame me for him not having a good relationship with his kids.He only texts to see the kids only when he has extra time. ugh.


I told his aunts and grandparents and they dont approve.
BUt his parents already met this OW. I was shocked.
I have not reached out to her family or her job. She is a bartener.. Im not sure they'd care.
Yup I am lost.

MOST affairs don't last. Affairs will last longer if the BS is in the picture than if the BS removes themselves(Plan B).

Have you read up everything on Plan A and Plan B?

scotland:
Yes i have the plan A &B!
I am def in the plan B now...

9 months is already a long time with this OW.
Im thinking they'll one day get tired of each other??
cant believe this. It feels like a dream to me.

lost,
Stay on track with the divorce.
You say you have read Plan B. But, You are receiving text messages from him?
Plan B is NO CONTACT AT ALL.
NO text, NO phone, No written.
You need to find someone to be an intermediary (IM) for you; this IM is responsible for relaying messages.
You Are NOT in Plan B, Plan B is NO CONTACT.

Also, I strongly encourage you to attend an Al-Anon meeting

HWD
you have a good point.
thank you for your reply!

1. Addicts lie
2. Addicts make excuses for their bad behaviour
3. Addicts are NOT in control of themselves
4. Addicts want one thing - more more, and again more
5. Addicts are master manipulators - of spouses, children, even their parents
5. Addicts don't care about long term
6. Addicts don't care about logic
7. Addicts are not reliable
8. Addicts lie
9. Addicts talk ONLY for three things :
a. to pursue their addiction
b. to pursue their addiction
c. to pursue their addiction
10. Addicts lie
11. Addicts create walls to isolate themselves from anyone that may interfere with pusuit of their addiction
a. Emotional walls - I'm done, I'm divorcing you, I don't love you
b. Walls of Lies, stories, excuses
c. Walls of wood and brick - they shut doors, stay away from home, dissappear for hours on end
12. Addicts lie
13 Addicts use people
14. Addicts don't care if they hurt people
15. Addicts are ill
16. Addicts aren't loyal or dependable
17. Did I mention that addicts lie?
18. Addicts recover