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Friends,
A little background. This is my 2nd marriage. My first marriage failed due to my ex-husband's infidelity. I have been married to present DH for 2 years. Naturally, I am a bit "snoopy" at times because of what happened in my first marriage. I was going through his texts a few nights ago, and
found some pretty explicit speech. I calmly approached DH about it, and he told me everything, was very respectful to me, very remorseful, and broke down crying. He is a good man, and I truly believe he loves me and is sorry for what he's done. The OW lives in a town about 5 hours away. He told me that before he married me, they were lovers (he lived there in the town she is in now.) We lived there until about 6 months ago. He tells me that several months before we moved away he asked her to dinner. He said it was just an innocent dinner, although he didn't tell me about it. Since then he says they have been texting back and forth and calling
each other every day. He has given me the code password to our ATT account so that I can monitor his phone usage. He says they don't email, which I believe because he has only a business email, and I believe him. He says I can check his phone each day. He is a really good man, and I want to believe this is over. He says tomorrow night he will call and let me listen while he breaks up with her. Am I out of the woods? We are Christians and I really think he wants to save our marriage. Can I truly believe this? I can't check on any email because he uses his computer for business only.
Is there anything else I can be doing to check on him?
Thanks you all so mcuh!
Dixie
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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You shouldn't believe a thing he says. He's been dating another woman & sharing emotional (at least) intimacies with her behind your back for at least half a year. And he said his dinner with her was "innocent"?
I'll tell you this, as a man who had an affair & was very lucky not to lose my marriage as a result: It's never "innocent" when married men have dinner-dates with other women (especially exes) without telling their wives about it. Not unless she's a relative of his.
So now that you know this was a lie, you know that he's still in liar, cover-his-butt, throw-you-off-the-trail mode. You want to believe him, but right now, there's no reason you should believe him. You'd be nuts to believe him. That would be total denial on your part.
Slap a keylogger on that business computer of his if you can. It's WAY too soon to believe him regarding anything that you can't verify.
Is this other woman married also?
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Thank you, Gloveoil. The OW is not married. (It is hard for me to believe that it is over, simple as that. I will look into getting a keylogger on his computer. Are you sure these can't be detected? What type is good/inexpensive?
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Thank you, Gloveoil. The OW is not married. (It is hard for me to believe that it is over, simple as that. I will look into getting a keylogger on his computer. Are you sure these can't be detected? What type is good/inexpensive? Hi winndixiesmom, welcome to Marriage Builders. A good, undetectable keylogger is eblaster and it runs about $100. You can install it fairly quickly and it will email you reports. So sorry this has happened. 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Do you know for a fact she is not married? Have you verified this independently?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry, I can't help you with that, WinnDix... I'm a technophobe, and my experience with keyloggers was in the other direction. [See, the other woman's then-husband hired a P.I. who used one, along with other means, to find her (& thus me) out, which put me in a spot where I had to come clean to my wife & end the affair. Which accidentally led to my marriage being saved from the train-wreck where it was headed if I'd stayed in the affair. How's that for unintended consequences?] So all I can tell you is that snooping may well help you at least feel like you know the truth. And it even could possibly save your husband's marriage despite his own dumbest efforts, just like it saved mine...
There's an "investigative" section on the infidelity boards that you might wanna check out & where you can get advice from folks who know more than I do. If you've got the cash, a P.I. might be a better way to go, since it keeps you from having how to learn to be your own in-house sleuth. It depends on what you're most comfortable with.
If your husband is serious (remains to be seen), and he wants to talk to another Christian man whose marriage survived his affair, & hear some of what I've learned, he can find me around here. But that's for later.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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I was going through his texts a few nights ago, and
found some pretty explicit speech. If he is communicating via text messages you might be better off installing spyware on his phone. There is eblaster for android and blackberry for $65 and flexispy for all other. Both have built in GPS and will send you position reports in addition to a call log and actual texts as they happen.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I have not verified it. I don't know her name. I'm just stuck as to what to do or how to act around DH. He acts like nothing has happened, other than the initial confession, crying, etc.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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I have not verified it. I don't know her name. I'm just stuck as to what to do or how to act around DH. He acts like nothing has happened, other than the initial confession, crying, etc. I would get her full name and city. You need to do some research on her. This is all information about your life, after all. She might be married and if she is, her husband should be told about the affair. I would not tell your H that now. Just find out her name and city and find her on facebook.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Thank you for your help, melody lane!
I will work on this in the morning
And post again then.
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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DH tells me that he hasn't seen OW since the dinner they had together a year ago...We moved 5 hours away from there around 5 months ago. I leave for work around 7, and from phone records he would call her each morning as soon as I left and they would talk for about 30 minutes. Here is a transcript of their last text:
Her: I will continue to go in between 7-7:30
Him: THen we will just have to talk while you walk, unless you don't want to do that
Her: I do. Too bad we don't get to see each other every morning.
Him: I know.
Her: That will probably never happen...Ah well
Him: I knnow
Her: perhaps I just expect too much. So, will we be talking this weekend?
Him: Absolutely
Her: What are you up to today?
Him: I am giong to go work with that one client, then I have an appointment with a potential client. I will likely put away the Christmas decorations and then do some cleaning.
him: But first I am getting nekkid and getting in the shower
Her: wish I was getting in with you
Him: me too
Her: I need you today
Him: I know how you feel. I was having a rough day emotionally. Like the dam wants to break.
Her: I'm sorry baby, I am really lonely for you
Him: I am homesick for you too
her: What happened?
Him: I don't know
Her: Are you feeling any better?
Him? Can I call in a few?
her: I'm getting my hair cut
Him: K
her: Is it too late for me to call you now?
her: I apologize. I just want you to understand. I cannot wait forever. I deserve to have you by my side.
Him: You don't have to apologize, and you are foxy
No funny?
Her: I'm sorry, it is funny, baby...I just got busy
Him: ok
Her: are you wanting to talk
Him: if you're busy sweetness, it's ok
her: I am riding to bastrop with a friend
Him: bastrop? What's in Bastrop?
Her: We are meeting some friends
him: staying overnight? Have fun and be safe
Her: No, not stayinng Going to bed?
Him: Yeah, going to read for a bit....took some sinus med
her: ok, goodnight love
Him: goodnight sweetness
Me: What do you Marriage Builders think about this? Does this sound like something that can be stopped overnight?
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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winn, is that a text on his phone? If so, I would forward that to your own phone for safekeeping. In the meantime, get her full name and town from your husband, ok? We will help you kill this affair and save your marriage!
Were you able to get spyware on his phone?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, I don't have spyware on his phone. I was just up late one night and some instinct told me to get his phone (he's a sound sleeper), and look at the texts. I just typed it out and saved a copy to my email. So do I just ask him for her name?
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Yes, get her name and ask him to tell you everything about her. Do you have her phone number? You should get that and do a reverse lookup on whitepages.com. It might give you her name. It is quite obvious this is a physical affair. I am sorry.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Can you go put spyware on his phone tonight while he sleeps?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Well, I really don't think he'll be using his phone anymore since he knows I'll be checking the phone bills online. Maybe I should try to get onto his computer tomorrow and put the keystroke/keylogger on it. I don't know what else to try because I don't know what device he'll use now, since I know about the phone. (So, you really think it's physical?)
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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Well, I really don't think he'll be using his phone anymore since he knows I'll be checking the phone bills online. Maybe I should try to get onto his computer tomorrow and put the keystroke/keylogger on it. I don't know what else to try because I don't know what device he'll use now, since I know about the phone. (So, you really think it's physical?) He will likely buy an affair phone. Look for an extra phone. I would still put spyware on the old phone and the computer.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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WinnDix, just to be sure that you know you should be following a sequenced plan: What you're going to be doing is:
(1) Evidence: Gathering more evidence re: the affair -- its status, the other woman's name, the extent to which your husband remains in contact with her. (You are right to be darned skeptical that a deep/long affair would just end that easily). By the way, I'd say, based on the duration of this affair & on the content of the the text transcript that you described in your earlier post, that it is extremely, overwhelmingly likely that he has been communicating with her from his workplace.
(2) Exposure: Exposing the affair to people whose esteem your husband values -- children, parents, friends, pastor, & supervisors who may have a stake in misuse of company resources in ways that place the company's reputation at peril. (And similarly, exposing to the other woman's friends/family/work contacts if you can locate them). The purpose of this is to put pressure on him & her, so that the affair quickly becomes way more trouble than it's worth for them. Please bear in mind that exposure is most effective if done with no advance warning to the affairees. If the affair has not yet been exposed, there's a good chance that, rather than ending it, the affairees will try to "take it underground" via such means as secret cellphones, secret e-mail accounts, etc. Read the "Exposure 101" thread that's linked in Melody Lane's posts, if you haven't done so already, so that you can begin to plot out your next moves.
(3) End Contact: If your husband then says he wants to stay married to you, then insist that he write a "no contact" letter (suggested language is available on this site) which you'll review & approve, and which you'll send, registered mail, to the other woman, whose address you'll have verified for yourself.
(4) Extraordinary Precautions: Insist that he establish/implement a set of what are known as "extraordinary precautions" for the purpose of making it as difficult as possible for him to have any contact with this woman ever again, and so that his life will be an open book to you.
(5) Steps 1-4 having been done, you'll then be in better position from which to try & fix your marriage. Marriages can be saved & made better after an affair than they were before, but there's a much better chance of this occurrring if the affair has been killed & your efforts aren't being undermined by ongoing contact between the affair partners.
Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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He says tomorrow night he will call and let me listen while he breaks up with her. Am I out of the woods? WD, a better plan is to send her a no contact letter that is written together, approved by you and mailed by you. My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I really wish I could get more evidence of the affair. I suspect he may get a "affair" phone, or may be contacting her from work. I tried to get on his laptop and desktop here at home, but they are password protected. I have a laptop of my own, so we don't share computers. I will get the name of the OW and see what all I can find out. DH has already told me that she is not married.
You know, after the nightmare I went through with my 1st marriage, I just feel very apathetic. Almost like...you're gonna do what you're going to do no matter what I say, and maybe if you are doing this you shouldn't be in my life anyway. I don't want the horrible pain I went through with 1st marriage.
Winn
(ME): BS 53 years old. Divorce final 8/13/12
After 2 failed marriages, not planning on marrying again.
Isaiah 43: 18,19
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
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