Been along time since i posted. New house, new city, we are working thru so much of the mud...why does it feel like we are still stuck? Does it never end?

We have worked through most of the hard stuff. It will be three years in april....We are better... but i get the distict feeling he feels like it was all me.....the things i didnt do...that now i am doing....do we ever come to an even playing field?

New job, new house, does it have to be the same old problems?

He's been so attentive....he has made alot of changes....so have I...

I finally got to the point where i deleted the OW phone number out of my phone....i was not prepared for how hard that would be. i stopped looking her up on line.... she has a new life in a new place with her husband....they have a new baby...

Now as it has always been....it is about us... we seem to be struggling with emotional initmacy...i think it's me....never being satisfied with where he is at...wanting more....

how do i stop being my own worst enemy?

I am struggling with him "wanting me"...just me....in every way.
He seems to have different needs....as we all do....and i am still stuck meeting the needs he had....not reveling in the "now", i am constantly worrying...assigning meaning to things that have no meaning...maybe it's me still stuck in the past...i have a hard time enjoying the now...worrying that the shoe is always gonna fall....because for three years it has. whenever i got comfortable and thought everything was ok...the show always fell....it hasn't yet....christmas has been so hard the last few years...it wasn't this year everything was great..we even talked about it...am i expecting too much...creating drama where there is none?

He hasn't...we haven't made love in a month....we have always been very physical...even thru the horrible times....I have asked him if everything is ok....if we are ok....i have expressed the need i have...to feel like he desires me...he says he understands but does nothing.....am i making to much of this? Is it really just timing?

Please somebody....anybody....help me....

Hi, Betty,

The recovery board doesn't get a lot of traffic and with the weekend, it's even slower.

By three years out from No Contact AND using MB principles, you should be in a better place emotionally. Dr. Harley says it takes about two years of two people fully on board with the MB principles to get to the point where trust has returned. The marriage should better than ever.

Your husband should have agreed to the following when you and he decided on recovery:

No Contact with the OW for life

Extraordinary Precautions forever to avoid another affair. These are non-negotiable.

Just Compensation, where he would EARN your forgiveness by becoming a better husband/man.

Have these things all happened? Are you and he spending a minimum of 15 hours together every week with Undivided Attention to each other? During recovery, while trying to rebuild romantic love, the UA hours should be more like 20 - 25. This UA time should be spent meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of Affection and Conversation, Recreational Companionship and Sexual Fulfillment.

Why have you and your H not had SF for a month?

Did you sign up for the Online MB Course or at least gone through all the materials? We just finished reading Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders, a really good book by Dr. Harley discussing relationships. The marriage relationship SHOULD be two buyers, as defined by the POJA. Are you both using the POJA?

I have to go now; I'm sure others will be along soon and give you some assistance. I hope this can get you started. Another very helpful tool to use would be the coaching center. Posters say that Steve Harley is respectfully persuasive in getting husbands in with the program.

How long has it been since you deleted OW phone no. and stopped checking up on OW?

HAs your WH been transparent, shared all passwords, cell phone access?

Hi betty,

How much UA time are you and your H spending together? What is your recovery plan exactly? Are you guys following a plan of openness and honesty?

CV

And to add it slows down on weekends but a lot of vet's still sign on. Just the may do it only once or twice briefly. Sit tight.

Thank you for responding long way from home: as i said, i haven't been on the site for along time. We were doing wonderful. WH has had no contact, and for a while we were connected. He has tried to comfort me and make me feel important in our daily life. His affair was at work....so that still bothers me.....he has a new job...new women he's working with and for a while he came home telling me everything...It just seems recently that has stopped. so of couse, i get suspicious...we do spend time together...but not recreational time...he hates to talk....he feels i am always "in my head" and not in the moment. which is true to some degree... that is why i am looking for objective opinions. i don't want to create what isn't there. About the SF,...he says the timing just isnt right...i go to bed early 4 out of 7 days due to my job and we just dont seem to connect... we flirt...have dinner....but he just isnt ready for bed when i am...we talked this am about that and i have been very up front with my needs.... i want him to desire me...i need to feel that,...it seems when he does come to me it is with just the physical need....very little emotional attachement to it.... thats ok as long as that isnt all of the time....that's what has me worried.... i don't just want to be a physical release....i want us to connect emotionally...we have been married 28 years in june...together 31. i know there are peaks and vallys....but after the last 3 years....i am alittle needy in that area. i have expressed this verbally, so he knows this...and still he does not respond....that worries me.....

It sounds like you guys need real UA time... How much time are you spending together alone during the week? Some guys need the UA time to connect sexually. I'm one of them. I like it when my wife pursues a bit. Have you spoken to him about not sharing at work?

It will take some practice to not be "in your head" all the time, but you have to try. He may be feeling disconnected too.

Betty, welcome back - I'm sorry you've had to revisit this site again under these circumstances.

I went back and read your thread so I could get caught up on your sitch.

Am I right:
He dragged his feet for months until he emailed an NC letter.
There was no exposure.
There was a trickling of contact for months after OW left the job.
The A was not disclosed to OWH.
He has computer access that you cannot snoop.

Have you done any snooping to confirm that the original A has not resumed? Or that another one has begun?

If by "in your head," you mean thinking about the A, I'm sure you realize that's not a good idea. I've heard Dr. Harley tell people that neither spouse should be looking up anything at all about the OP, no googling, no peeking at all, no talking about her or the A. It only serves to make you and your H unhappy. If you find yourself thinking about the A, find something else to think about. Change your location or activity, or both, if that's what it takes.

It's tough, but you have to discipline yourself not to talk about the A at all. I don't know if that's what you're doing, but you said your H hates talking with you and that in your head a lot, so I'm reading between the lines here. There is nothing either of you can do about the past, and your H has made the necessary changes.

You said you don't have RC together. This is one of the top two ENs for most men. It's really important to have FUN together; the 15 hours of UA time are supposed to be the most enjoyable hours of your week.

Do you both have and use the Five Steps to Romantic Love workbook? Lots of very helpful questionnaires guiding the person to examine every step of the emotional needs.

We have found that SF works out really well when my need for affection is met throughout the week. The affection makes up the environment of the marriage. Hugs, kisses, sweet complements, cuddling, none of which always leads at that moment to SF. But when H would like it, the environment is already there, and we can just get right to it and we're both very happy.

Can you give us a link for this?

I wish I could supply the link.... . I was listening to it sometime late last year, after I had just spent time doing exactly that--googling OW and peeking at her FB. It sure set me back. Then that same week, Dr. Harley addressed it on the radio show and the light bulb switched on. Ah, yes, that's why I felt worse. No Contact was essentially broken--by ME.

AGree with longwayfromhome, Betty. There are 2 issues here: recovery is not complete and you have the OW in your head because you continued to google her. Its hard to stop doing that, I understand, but it does keep you triggered. I remember the radio show longway mentioned but can't remember the date.

Most marriages DO NOT ever recover from affairs and that is because they either don't complete this program or they cut corners. They end up being a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. I can tell you aren't using this program. For example, you should be spending 20+ hours per week of UA time meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs. The program doesn't even work without that step.

That is where I would start. You have to really DO the program, Betty!

Unless you replace the huge hole incurred by the affair, it will fester and fill with resentment and doubt. But the pain of the affair FADES when you replace the bad marriage with a GREAT MARRIAGE.

Also, has your marriage been affair proofed? Do you have full access to your H's cell phone and computers? Do you have any spyware on his phone?

Oh, gotcha - you're absolutely right. I was confused for a second.

Dear the road: just a couple of weeks and yes has remains transparent in every way.

Hi maritalbliss: your right on all accounts. yes I have done all the snooping i can and i am satisfied original affair is over and has been for some time. on all accounts.

we move in october and it seems then he really became attentive, i really feel and he has said that him forgiving himself is what sometime drives a wedge in our communication. the holidays have been extremely hard for the last several years, but this one was different. he seemed to go out of his way to make me feel secure in his love. we do spend as much time UA time as we possibly can.

Thank you everyone:

I would like to say your'e right, i have to get the other woman out of my head, it effects me and how i feel about myself. this is the first holiday he actually stayed close, made sure i had what i needed, told me he loved me and expressed feeling of "in love". That has been what has taken almose three years to come back. we do have rec time, it's easire during the summer, however we were able to get away some. i have been meeting his top 5 EN for three years....some have changed..Of course my top EN is conversation which is like water torture to him...but he has tried.

It just seems that his need for SF has slowed down considerably in the last several months, and of course it coincided with my insecurities..

We're not perfect...of course, but I can honestly say I believe he is really trying. we talked the other night about joining a class together...it wouldn't be his choice, but i asked him to do it for me...i expressed the feeling of wanting to have fun with him....of how much i love to laugh with him.