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Good job, Estrela! I predict he will come up with some more crumbs soon to get you to back down so he can continue on his merry way. I know you are smart enough not to fall for it. No matter what I would get him out and go into Plan B for a while until he takes this seriously. Like you said, he is not serious. He is just doing his best to have his cake and eat it too.
Hang in there, friend. Better days are to come.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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A first-time cheater might be able to avert Plan B if they were serious, and acted quickly enough. A second offender like your WH really, really needs to have a good sense of what his life will be like if he doesn't straighten up.
Carry on, and go dark.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner.
~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Joined: Jun 2008
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He's probably reeling from your standing your ground.
Keep holding it up and definitely don't give in. But then as others have said, you won't.
Get him out and go way dark, as it's been said.
One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger
I will not spend my life this way.
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I will keep the pressure up. Don't keep the pressure up, Estrela. MOVE HIM OUT.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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I will go pack his shoes now.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 452
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Shoes are in the box, by the door.
Might not be much but it's a big first step for me.
When WH comes, he will hopefully get the picture.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 452
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Tomorrow I will get to the drawers...
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 1,156
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Gotta say I truly do admire your strength through all of this. You are obviously an amazing woman, and to be admired.
You deserve so much better from him and hopefully he will one day see just how special, loving, and strong you are. It's pretty damned obvious to all of us.
Hang in there
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Thank you, TigerWes, thanks for the kind words and support!
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 8,240
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I would actually do it all at once. Oh wait, that IS what I did.
Is your IM ready? Is your PBL typed up and ready to be handed to him?
Honestly, my WH only had one place to go, and I knew it, but it didn't change my plan to send him out the door.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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Shoes are in the box, by the door.
Might not be much but it's a big first step for me.
When WH comes, he will hopefully get the picture. (((Estrela))) I know how painful it is to pack up his stuff. You will feel better when his clothes (and shoes!) are out of your closet. He needs to go. He is so entrenched in his waywardness that he needs a big cold shower of reality.
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I packed the drawers also.
It leaves the closet. He has some much clothing I do not know where to start. I think I will leave this for tomorrow.
He left today when I came home. When I asked where he was going, he said it does not matter since I am kicking him out of the house anyway.
I told him again, and later sent him a text reinforcing the message: I want the M, when you are ready to truly commit.
He is not home yet. So painful.
I know Plan B is my only option now, but (always a but) I am not sure anymore this will help kill the A, he is so tangled in his selfishness.
I have an IM ready. I will finish the letter tomorrow. Not likely he will leave fast enough though. Hopefully by Wednesday.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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I know Plan B is my only option now, but (always a but) I am not sure anymore this will help kill the A...
"Killing the A" is only part (and a small part, at that) of the purpose of Plan B. The larger purpose is "Preserving the BS" - the heart, the soul, and the morale of the one the WS betrayed.
Rather than being a doormat, the Plan-B-empowered BS becomes a dead-bolt, keeping the WS from trashing the "home" indefinitely.
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estrala- You have done everything you can do. It's now his turn to do HIS part to prove to you that he wants this marriage. You need to protect your peace of mind, and this is what you have to do to accomplish just that. It's about YOU now. As far as he's concerned, it's now up to him to decide if he wants it to be about US and not just about HIM and his selfish needs. Plan B will give you the answers you need...and deserve. 
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Exactly. Do Plan B more because it will remove YOU from the drama of affairland. I know how hard this is Estrela. You are doing to right thing. Don't let fear grip you. Don't second guess this decision. It is quite common for you to want to back out at this time, but this is the right direction for you to take right now.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
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I know Plan B is my only option now, but (always a but) I am not sure anymore this will help kill the A, he is so tangled in his selfishness. I just want to add more hugs and encouragement Estrela! Your pain in doing this, your hesitation and your hope ring through in your posts. As does your strength. You know this is the right step. Follow the plans. As others have said, don't let fear stop you from doing what is right. Plan B is the best way you can show yourself and your WH the depth of your love and commitment. Plan B shows respect to your marriage vows, to the man you believe your WH can become, and to YOURSELF. You do not have to tolerate a wayward who refuses to commit to you or your marriage. Plan B = Plan Boundaries.
Me (BW): 35
Married 1999 with no kids, DDay July 2011, OC born September 2012, Divorce final November 2012.
WXH (Gollum) is corrupted by his A, and now forever bound to it.
Plan B has set me free.
"Mourn the man he was. Know the man he is."
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Yeah, good news! WH came back now after night out with OW and told me that he is willing to stay with me IF I stop trying to control where he is going, and checking on his excuses, and then he will break up with OW, no problem. I just need to trust him.
What a poor excuse of a husband!
He told me that last Saturday when he lied to me about his whereabouts, he was just talking to her, nothing happened. Yes, I am forcing him to have an A with my behavior. Now I get it.
Sorry for the sarcastic tones, but really!!???
Anyway, packed shoes plus one bag, asked him to move today. He is calling 2 realtors to get this going.
So it should happen between today and tomorrow, hopefully.
Will work on Plan B letter now.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Posts: 2,780
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Yeah, good news! WH came back now after night out with OW and told me that he is willing to stay with me IF I stop trying to control where he is going, and checking on his excuses, and then he will break up with OW, no problem. I just need to trust him.
What a poor excuse of a husband!
He told me that last Saturday when he lied to me about his whereabouts, he was just talking to her, nothing happened. Yes, I am forcing him to have an A with my behavior. Now I get it.
Sorry for the sarcastic tones, but really!!???
Anyway, packed shoes plus one bag, asked him to move today. He is calling 2 realtors to get this going.
So it should happen between today and tomorrow, hopefully.
Will work on Plan B letter now. It is actually good news. He is making it easy (easier) on you to stand firm. You do not want the kind of life that he is purposing. Courage is action in spite of fear.
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True, it cleared my doubts.
BS (me) 46
STBX WH 53
Married 2000
DS, 11; DS, 10
1st A: LT D-Day - 02/14/06
2nd A: D-Day - 12/21/11
Plan B since 1/17/12
Divorcing
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Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,780
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True, it cleared my doubts. I call it the Gift of Clarity. (Estrela)
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