Hi to all here at MB.

I find this website profoundly terrific yet, at the same time, I feel rather ill in the stomach knowing that I have to even be here.

I will need to make this short and quick because I expect my husband home soon and I do not want him knowing that I am here...at least not yet.

Here is the rundown:

Me: 44 year old female
Spouse: 46 year old male
Children: Two daughters, 16 and 19, both living at home
Married: Since 1990

From the beginning, and for many following years, our marriage was truly fantastic, with my husband and I both being very devoted to keeping it that way.

Unfortunately, a few short years into our marriage, I started to feel that something wasn't quite "right" with me and, after turning to my doctor for help, I was diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder (social anxiety disorder, to be exact).

To make a long story short, I was put on medication and also received several years of treatment through other means (psychiatric) but to no avail and my condition only worsened. Today, my condition has gotten to the point where (and after several "second opinions") I have now been told it will not likely ever improve (regardless of any medication/treatment) so I was put on permanent disability (because I can no longer work).

Anyway, to get to the point, I am curious to know what someone in my position (who pretty much fears just stepping outside of her own front door) can possibly do to meet the needs of her husband when, coincidentally enough, the majority of his most important ones just happen to consist of...you got it >>> social and recreational activities?

Ugh, my stupid illness is smack-dab in the way of me meeting these needs and, even worse, it is now putting a damper on our once strong marriage and I'm at a loss of what to do.

Has anyone else here had to go through something like this or does anyone have any advice that may help? I am so scared that our marriage is going to fall apart completely but, honestly, I don't know how to fix it. Yes, I do know he needs his social/recreational needs met and I sooooo want to meet them but, for the life of me, I simply cannot meet certain ones because just trying to do so sends me into a major panic.

So, what does someone in my position do? Bite the bullet and meet these needs knowing full-well they are going to be excruciatingly painful to herself, or...ignore them and let her marriage go to H*** instead?

I'm at a complete and total loss. When I said our vows, I meant it when I said "for better or for worse" but, as for my husband, I'm beginning to have my doubts (I actually feel that he now resents me).

Any advice, regardless of how small, would be welcomed and much appreciated.

Thank you.

Are there any recreational activities that you both would enjoy that don't involve much socializing? Like, my neighhborhood had a rarely used tennis court, so a couple who wants to play together but not be social could easily play there. Canoing on a small deserted lake? Stuff like that, be creative in thinking of things and ask for your husband's help.

Did you try CBT, different drugs?

Congrats, btw, on being outgoing enough to post here, and welcome to the boards. You can also email your question directly to the radio show and get the Dr's advice, mbradio@marriagebuilders.com.

I agree with CWMI. I would find recreational activities that you both like. Find ones that don't trigger your anxiety. It might take some brainstorming but it can be done.

I would also write Dr Harley just as she suggested. HE might have more ideas.

Is it possible to do some activities that you both like but allow yourselves room to do activities (on your own or with friends) that are different?

My wife likes to hike, as do I so we hike together. She likes to do crafts but I don't so she does whose with her friends. I like to do some watersports that she doesn't like so I do them with my friends.

As long as a) your FAVORITE leisure activities are done with your spouse and b) you are spending 15+ hours together in UA time. For me, I consider time away from my spouse as time that could be spent with my spouse. There is nothing I would rather do.

Harley states, for example, that if you bow hunting is your favorite leisure activity and your spouse does not enjoy that, that it should be dropped because of the contrast effect. Dr H is an outdoorsman who loved camping and hiking, but since Joyce didn't like it, he gave that up in favor of things they could do together.

The best way to do this is to find things you BOTH like so your leisure time is spend productively by complementing your marriage.

I hope you check back in soon, FTF. I also wanted to add that you appear to be an effective communicator, and looking into something like freelance writing could be beneficial in helping you to feel more confident, competant, and productive. Added bonus of it not requiring you to ever leave the house.

Just a thought. I want you to have the best life possible.

I also think that any resentment your H may have about how your lives are different from what you each imagined will subside with clear and enthusiastic effort on your part to find activites that you both enjoy, even if those things are different from what you think you'd like now. For instance, you two could find enjoyment in some form of collecting, looking for items online, selling items online. Painting is on the recreational enjoyment inventory (under questionnaires at the top of the page), you could set up a small studio in your home and practice with oils and watercolors. We have a pool table and enjoy billiards together without ever leaving home.

Let us know what you brainstorm up.

Not sure but what I think FTF is saying is that she has a psychological condition called agoraphobia - Fear of open spaces or of being in crowded, public places like markets. Fear of leaving a safe place such as home.

She said social anxiety disorder, which from my reading about it recently in light of this thread, indicates anxiety from fear of being judged by other people. So scratch the writing thing, lol! Editors can be brutal! (But I will say that I do think FTF is a good communicator) (and I am an editor!)

Thank you all so much for your replies.

Yes, my anxiety is social anxiety disorder, not agoraphobia, although I can understand how Brits Brat came to that conclusion because I did say something in my post about "pretty much fearing stepping out my own front door."

Sorry, Brits Brat, I guess I should have chosen my words more wisely as I only intended for those ones to be taken more-so "matter-of-fact" as opposed to so seriously. My apologies for my poor choice of words.

As for my husband and I going out and doing something we can both enjoy together, well, that's tough because I have tried and tried to get him to do something like this but, unfortunately, he is not willing to even meet me halfway (or "any" of the way, for that matter) because, straight up -- the stuff that I enjoy doing is, according to him, NEVER his cup-of-tea.

I do enjoy, and am more than willing to do, many things (including some of those that are out of my "comfort zone" to a certain degree). However, to get husband to so much as even try any of the things that I suggest...forget it, he's never game to so much as try any of them because he says he knows he won't enjoy them (although many of them include things we had never even done before). To put it bluntly, if any of the things I suggest do not include his friends in one way, shape or form, he simply doesn't have the desire to do them and, therefore, won't.

I have suggested going for walks, hikes, drives, camping, horseback riding (even swimming at the lake where, of course, there will likely be other people around) and, you name it, to no avail. From his perspective, he just doesn't have any interest in doing any of the stuff I either like or, at the very least, am willing to try. Oh, although there were a couple of times he "did" actually give a go at some of my suggestions but, when we actually did go out to enjoy them, he simply sulked and ruined the whole experience (of which I think he did "intentionally" to assure that I wouldn't ask him to take part in these activities again).

The best way I can sum it up is to say that everything rather has to be "his way or the highway" because, if it's not, he will just go out of his way to make things miserable (which, in turn, ruins our together time for me, too). Funny, I always that together time meant undivided attention and making the best of things that one possibly even can. Am I crazy for thinking this way?

I will say there have been plenty of times we have done things together [that he suggested] that I far from enjoyed but, even so, I always made the best of it anyway; smiling, laughing, taking part in conversation, etc....whatever I had to do to make things as pleasurable as possible. To be completely honest, I did such a great job of "taking part in the activity" that no one was ever the wiser that I, in all truth, wasn't really enjoying myself.

Is it possible he simply doesn't appreciate me and/or any of the things I do? I cook, clean, take care of the pets (including full grooming's) and whatever else needs to be done but, I don't know, maybe he looks as me as "less then" because I no longer help bring in an income. Granted, I am trying (I started an online business that will, hopefully, start bringing in some decent money) but, besides that, he is the sole bread-winner.

The reason I even bring this up is because of something my oldest daughter said to me this very morning and to say it crushed me doesn't even begin to explain how it sincerely made me feel inside.

Out of the blue she came up to me and said, "Mom, you know that since Dad is the only one who earns the money around here it means that nothing in this house, and I do mean NOTHING, even belongs to you?"

When I asked her why she would even say something like this (and I asked "VERY" nicely) she got all defensive and said; "Well, Dad always says he is a single-parent because you won't even go out with him and do the stuff he likes and, let's face it, it's true!"

With those words, I felt like I completely died.

Now, I can't help but wonder if my husband is actually trying to turn our kids against me.

Shoot, he's pulling in the driveway now so I'll have to leave it at this for now.

I'll return asap.

Again, thank you!!

FforF, I would write Dr. Harley and see if he has any suggestions. He might be able to help you resolve your social anxiety. You can write him at the radio show email address and can either answer your question on the air or ask you to call and speak to him. He is a licensed clinical psychologist and often finds solutions that others don't see. Just click on the radio link and you will find the email address.

I would school that child about community property and marital rights. Maybe via Chris Rock, "Half!" I would hate for her to grow up thinking that the only things she owns are those things she bought with her own earned money, especially if she finds herself a SAHM one day.

That would stink! For her and her children, cause they wouldn't own anything!

My kid said something that ignorant to me, I'd empty their room of everything they didn't buy with their own money. But I'm mean and a big believer in "visual aids". Lol.

Are you being abused?

Definitely write the Doc, okay? mbradio@marriagebuilders.com

FTF,

The simplest explanation for your husband's behavior is this; he is not in love with you (nor you with him).

His friends are preferred to you in RC activities because of this.

I was reading an article by a psychologist that seems to believe single people are oppressed, and the most recent gripe was married people shutting out friends. Really? That's a problem?

There is another husband and wife pair that works on building successful marriages, and they built upon what they have learned from successful marriages. In a successful marriage, each spouse would rather spend all of their time with their spouse than anyone else.

These are MB concepts.

It seems that RC is a roadblock. Ok. Then work on the other three Intimate ENs while you work and brainstorm on RC ideas. As you build up Love Bank balances with each other, you just might see those roadblocks fade.

The other three are affection, conversation, and sexual fulfilment.

I so agree with this and thought the same thing. My H and I have friends, but our favorite time is the time we spend together. WE would much rather spend our time together than with anyone else. Because we are in love.

CWMI,

Thank you.

I took up golf because my H enjoys playing the game. He goes to craft stores with me and has made craft projects with me. It can be done - all it takes is the desire and a little effort.

CWMI; No, I am not being abused, I'm simply feeling...neglected/ignored/lonely as of late.

If you don't mind my asking, what is this "Half" by Chris Rock that you speak of? I tried to Google it but found several different clips of videos (by Chris Rock) that contain the word Half in their titles so I'm not sure which one to actually refer to.

As for removing everything from my daughters room...I would love to. However, if I did, I guarantee my husband, himself, would have a flip-out ON ME and I wouldn't hear the end of it (and, in turn, he would be sure to make me appear like the "bad guy" in front of the kids). I guess you could say he likes to be "good cop" in front of the kids; if they do something wrong/inappropriate, he always leaves it up to me to deal with because he doesn't want them to see him as "the evil one."

Actually, I think this alone has something to do with the way he was raised. His parents, although kind and loving to one another, have a relationship where "whatever the man of the house says...goes" and that is just the way it is. FIL sets all rules/boundaries and MIL follows them to a "T," no questions asked. My husband will never admit it outright (he always used to say he hopes he never turns into his father) but, truth is, I see his father in him more and more each day. In addition, FIL likes to be seen as number one in everyone's eyes (ie: it's like he has a desperate need to be praised non-stop and he will do whatever it takes to claim credit for anything and everything, even those things he had NO hand in doing). My husband is much the same way.

For example;

- If I do the dishes but even so much as leave one single plate on the dish rack and husband puts it away before I do he, in his own mind, thinks that "he did the dishes."

- When I make dinner (and I mean a whole meal; meat, potatoes and all) and my husband simply removes the meat from the oven when it's done cooking he likes to make it sound like he did "ALL" the work in making the dinner itself. For example, if he takes the meat out of the oven and then gets on the phone to talk to his family/friends, he will say "Hi, I can't talk long, I'm busy making dinner."

- Lunches! I make lunches for my husband daily so that, of course, he will have something to snack on during his workday. However, for the past few weeks, he has been bringing his lunches home because, according to him "work is so busy I don't even have time to eat." So, to save from wasting food, I "minimized" the size of his lunches (with his knowledge) and stopped sending a sandwich with him each and every day, instead just sending him snack type foods instead. Even so, these kept coming home anyway so, yes, wasted food again. However, I didn't moan and groan about this, I simply kept sending him snacks in hopes he would find the time to actually fill his stomach.

The cruncher?! I heard him on the phone the other night talking to a friend and out-of-the-blue he says; "yeah, well, I have to get up earlier in the morning than you do, you know, to prepare my lunch and all." What?? I was flabbergasted!

Finally, I called him on all of his "I do this, I do that" BS (nicely, by the way) and he did apologize, claiming he didn't mean any of it the way he said/says it, it just happens to "come out that way" when he converses with others.

Personally, I am okay with doing the majority of everything around the house but, of what I am not okay with is, is his taking credit for everything "I" do because it makes me sound irresponsible and lazy in the eyes of others (and some family members and friends have actually made mention of this to me, telling me I need to "help out more around the house" because, of course, they heard from my husband that "he" does the dishes, dinner, lunches, etc).

Could this seemingly desperate desire to make it appear as though he "does it all" be something he simply inherited/learned from his father? I always praise my husband wholeheartedly over the things he does do (whether small or large) but, yet, it seems as though he has this deeper need that everyone else need praise him, too.

Okay, I'll have to come back to respond to the rest of you later. I have read all comments and I thank you very much for your replies; you are a wonderful bunch!

Back soon!
Thank you.

CWMI, do you mean Eddie Murphy?

In his film Eddie Murphy Raw, he has a stand-up sketch about a very wealthy famous couple who were just divorced and the wife was getting "half". Murphy wants to know what she got half for.

"She shags her husband!" he yells, only he doesn't say "shags".

Could be Murphy, you're right! Foul-mouthed funny man hollaring about how she gets half.

It's been a while.

FTF,

Just how you talk about your husband tells me you aren't in love with him.

His actions may be poor, but your thoughts and reactions to his actions are just as important when it comes to building and keeping a Love Bank balance at Romantic Threshold.

We can spend pages upon pages waxing poetic about your husband's Love Busters toward you, but it would be a waste of time.

Your time is better spent to learn how to eliminate your own Love Busters, and learning how to better meet his needs.

If you come right out of the gate trying to "fix him" into meeting your needs and eliminating his Love Busters he will likely react accordingly; by feeling like you are trying to "fix him," and that MB is the tool you are using to manipulate him.

Have you bought any of the books yet? Are you planning on doing phone coaching or the online program?


*edit*

To add; we don't have to spend a lot of time on your H's Love Busters, because you know what they are by how they make you feel. Our validation isn't required.