This is also known as "buying time." He doesn't need to hang around, calling realtors. He can do that from a motel.

this is the PBL. Let me know if something is missing or too much...

Dear WH,

This is a difficult letter for me to write. I have written this letter with the true love that only a wife can have for a husband. It is truly sad what has happened to our marriage and us. The path that I must take now is not one of choice but one of self-preservation.

I want to do whatever I can to put our marriage back together in a mutually satisfying way. I want to be able to put the past behind us, and build a better life together for us and the children. I want to be the type of woman that I hope you would be proud to call your wife; the same pride I felt so many times when I called you my husband.

The past months have been a difficult time for me. We seemed to be in a recovered, happy marriage, but only to slip and fail again. The memories of all good times that we have spent together travelling and parenting the kids fill me with hope that we will be together, happy again. Unfortunately, I now find those thoughts and feelings slowly fading and being replaced with doubts and pain.

I am still willing to do whatever it takes to correct the mistakes that we have made in the past and make our marriage together stronger and closer than we ever thought possible. With all of my heart, I would like to build a new marriage with you. One, in which we both feel loved, safe and honored. I simply cannot continue my efforts to rebuild our marriage while you are still involved with another woman. All the lies and infidelity are too painful. We can only start to rebuild our marriage�together --when you decide to be completely honest with me and agree to changes in our lifestyle.

Until you can truthfully and honestly work with me on rebuilding our marriage, I will be having no communication with you and I will avoid seeing you. This is not to punish you, it is to protect my feelings for you and our chances at reconciliation. If we continue as we are now, there would be nothing left.

Until that point, I feel I must break off all contact with you. I will avoid seeing you or talking to you or communicating with you in any way. That is why it is best that you stay in another place while I stay in our home and continue to care for our children. I do not wish for your bond with the children to suffer, but I must ask that you not have contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I would also like any of the regular communications between us to be handled through Cheryl.

I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way. Please feel free to call the kids at any time and set up visits. I will let them pick up the phone.

I want us to be a team, and restore our marriage together. Look inside yourself and find the strength we will need to do this. I won't take the opportunity to reconcile lightly and hope you wouldn't either.
For reconciliation to happen I would need you to become completely transparent, holding nothing back. We would need to put extraordinary precautions in place. Precautions designed to prevent another affair and also help me feel safe.

I want to grow old with you. I loved you more than life itself while we were together, and I continue to do so as I write this. When you find yourself ready and willing to truly and fully commit to our family, willing to work on a plan for our recovery, I will be ready and willing to discuss our future.

This separation is a necessity to preserve my love for you and to avoid losing any more of the things we have shared together, and to give our marriage the best chance for recovery!

E

My thoughts. Also, I'm not sure about leaving the door open for him to call the kids whenever he wants. I'll leave that for others who have Plan B'd to determine.

Estrela

Along with Plan B letter I thought I read you consulted a lawyer. May want to proceed with getting financial legally clearly spelled out.

Also it may help you to plan visitation days for the children right up front so everyone knows what the scedule is. Eliminates contact or WH trying to contact you when its clearly stated before hand. Also gives IM a clearly stated schedule to repeat if WH wants to change something about it. (Days/times).

Spell out Child support (CS) right from the start. Even if you do no other financials don't let him walk away from his responsibility to the children.

The more you have in place before you go fully into Plan B the better Plan B will go for you.

Just my 2cents.

nESRE

estrela. Your WH needs to see that you are serious. Plug up all the holes and do your Plan B right. That is your best chance.
((((hugs))))

Thanks for the edits, maritalbliss.
He left now to see an empty apt with the realtor. He also has a reservation for hotel tonight and is planning to stay there until he goes to Israel next week. Then, he will be moving in the apartment.
He wants me to let him in the house tomorrow and thursday to use his computer (he works from home) and we are still discussing his entry. I am trying to limit it and he is trying to get access for another couple of days.
I canceled the lawyer's appointment after the false recovery talk, but called to scheduled it for tomorrow or Thursday.
I am keeping an eye on accounts and will have the visitation spelled out, and financials before he leaves.
I spoke with one good friend of his, who knows our past history and he called WH. Don't know if it helps or not.
WH was first resentful, but now he is behaving like a kid who is being sent to summer camp. A little scared and excited about the new adventure.
I am trying to avoid LB and keep Plan A till he leaves.

It does hurt and it is painful and I keep second guessing myself... just wanted to put this out there...
thanks all for the support!!!!

And it does feel like I am giving him a break on our marriage so he can pursue his A without my interference.
I know, he is doing that now already. But it just feels like that...

You're giving YOURSELF a break, estrela. Don't be concerned with what he is thinking or doing (I know, easy for me to say...)

You have been through a terrible mental beating, hun.

You should ensure that you have an addendum about finances and visitations. Is he going to have every other weekend, and every wednesday, where and how will he be exchanging the children? Do you see anything that will need to be changed now? Maybe a birthday that would fall on a day when he would have the children, and you want to have them instead.

How are your exchanges going to take place?

Is your IM ready?

I know it seems like it will be all unicorns and rainbows but it is NOT. Reality needs to hit him upside the head.

You are doing this to save YOURSELF from more pain and anguish.

I wouldn't steer you astray. Remember, I have been doing this for 2 years now. I feel TONNES better than I could have ever imagined. Stick with it, and you will see results. I PROMISE you.

Either your WH will decide that you are serious and he will decide to come home, or he won't and you'll be prepared for a life without him.

We won't focus on that right now though, you just need all of your preps done for Plan B.

Oh and why would your WH need to come into your home for the next couple of days? Couldn't he use a library computer, or buy himself a laptop? Once he is out, he stays OUT. Don't back down on this. He doesn't come into YOUR home until he agrees to your conditions.

I would suggest that you help him pack ALL of his belongings. You aren't a storage unit. Only HIS personal effects through, not anything that is marital property.

He said he will not be contacting the IM.
Either he sends me an e-mail or nothing. He said my plans are all stupid and he is tired of my rules.
He also said that I was living my own life and that is why he had an A. I push him to it.
He will go to the hotel today, come home when I am not here to work until he goes to Israel. Then he will move to the apartment leased for 3 months.

Estrela, I would not speak to him about your Plan B. Just hand him the letter and then shut the door. It is not up for debate. He can either use the IM or he won't get any message to you. Period. The thing you have to do is not let him get through. I would tell him to take his computer to the hotel and work there so he can't come in the house anymore.

GEt him safely moved out first and THEN go into Plan B so you can avoid arguing about it.

OK, I might need some transition time until I can get him out of the house completly and once he is out, stop communications.
I will go out this weekend to buy curtains (we have a big window that you can see inside the house) and locks...

He left. To the hotel. It is still not Plan B since he will be here tomorrow when I am at work to get his computer. He will only move out for real when he is back from Israel but I will get there. I will put the stuff he needs in the garage or outside so he won't come inside the house anymore. I want to do everything right.
I will send the Plan B letter later...

That sounds just great. How are you holding up, my friend?

So far so good. Mel - Could you explain why we cannot exchange e-mails about the kids? I know it is not plan B if we do, I just want to have this clear in my mind... thanks,

Try this...get a truck (one of those college movers deals) where two college kids show up and move your stuff. Have them come in, box up your husband's stuff. Load it up and take it to a local storage facility. Put a lock on it.

Then come home, change the locks.

Then hand him the Plan B letter, with the key and directions to the storage facility.

Then go dark.

Dont let him set the rules. His ability to decide how things will go has ended. It is now surrender or darkness.

Melody will chime in I am sure. But let me give you my two cents based on my experience.

Plan B is MUCH more effective when you are COMPLETELY dark. The kids will be a way for him to get his fix of you. And draw you back into conflict.

This whole thing has been devastating to you. When you go to Plan B, the biggest thing about it for you is peace and recovery of your senses...recovery of you.

Everytime his foggy mess comes into that peace, you have to start over.

If your marriage survives, you will need plan B to mend, repair yourself. And build up strength for what will be much harder...RECOVERY.

Because you can't trust him to stick to that. He will mention and use other stuff to keep you where he wants you, i.e. blame, affection, guilt, admiration in a mean-nice cycle that will have your love bank entirely hooked but miserable.

Take it from B-er who has an EXCELLENT IM, its just so much better to cut free from it all. The waywards all try to break even a dark plan B, coming round, leaving notes, trying to call. My WH tried the lot, even though he picked OWs 'friendship' over me and left the country - he still couldnt leave me be when I asked him to.

You dont need the spam he has planned for you - so get a spam filter.

You need to know two things and two things only:

1) Arrangement details to do with the kids/finances

and

2) His decision to go NC and fully commit to the marriage.