It is something to consider that it is more difficult to meet your DH's ENs with your social anxiety.

Have you tried getting a "second opinion" about treating your anxiety? Perhaps a different doctor with different methods/medications?

Also, how can you meet your husband's important needs? Believe it or not, Domestic Support is not going to be top of his list.

Fearing, if your social disorder is a form of agoraphobia and/or general anxiety, I would suggest you investigate to find a psychologist who specializes in its treatment if you have not done so already. Are you familiar with TERRAP? (TERRitorial APrehensiveness)? Check out their website if you aren't: TERRAP

First page - she says:


I agree with HoldHerHand - her most recent post demonstrates a lot of DJs against her husband.

I have been dealing with anxiety for about 10 years now. It was almost so bad that I didn't want to leave the house, and I was only 24 years old!

Over the years, I have found several things that have helped, like B12, coconut oil, and a few key books that taught some good techniques, to decrease my anxiety and cope with it when it does pop up. And it also does help to have support from the ones you love.

Have you tried explaining to your husband just how bad and scared you feel when put in situations that trigger your anxiety? My husband isn't scared of ANYTHING it seems, so I really had to sit him down and explain exactly what goes on when I have a panic attack, even the ridiculously irrational thoughts one can have during an attack. I also told him EXACTLY what I do to keep myself under control and calm and how he can help reassure me during these times.

And you know what? I was able to get on a plane for our honeymoon (I hadn't flown in about 20 years, since I was 12) and he kept me calm, comforted me, and kept me focused so I didn't go screaming off the plane. He did everything I do to keep myself calm and make me as comfortable as possible.

With his support, I now plan on doing more things that make my anxiety skyrocket and I want to take more trips before we have kids.

So, have you tried to talk to your husband to see if he would be willing to take some of these activities slow and to help comfort you/walk you through them slowly?

My husband knows my coping skills, the symptoms I have during an attack, to talk calmly and to not make me feel embarrassed during an attack. Knowing he doesn't think I'm a panicky idiot and we can get through it TOGETHER helps so much!

FFF, I agree with the others and hope that you will spend your time here looking for solutions by developing new skills rather than waste it complaining about your husband. Much of what you said about him is very disrespectful and that surely comes across to him too. This program teaches you how to eliminate lovebusters in a way that does not destroy the love in your marriage. And that is where I would focus: on rebuilding the romantic love in your marriage.

Sure, you have some limitations but with some professional guidance, you can work around that. I hope you get in touch with the Harleys and get some professional help for your marriage. If you sign up for the MB program, Dr Harley would oversee your case and you would greatly benefit from his guidance. He uses logic in his practice and is often able to find solutions to problems that others never see.

Thank you again for your comments, everyone.

I know it sounds as though I am not in love with my husband but I would have to disagree with that wholeheartedly - my husband means the world to me and I love him to death (in every sense of the word). My "issue" is not being in love with him, my issue is...wow, hard to really explain here in just words alone. However, I will try my best to explain further, and in more detail, this time around.

When my husband and I first met we did virtually everything together and it was wonderful. However, even "back then," whatever we did was always decided on by him and I simply went along with it because I loved to see him happy/having fun with whatever it is we ended up doing. At first, I was totally okay with this but, shortly afterwards, his family/friends would make comments to my husband that, I guess, made my husband feel...uncomfortable, and these comments eventually started to p*** him off.

"Oh my god, how on Earth did a guy like you land a girl like that?"
"What makes you think you are good enough for someone like her?"
"She's way out of your league, man!"

etc etc etc.

At first, he loved hearing this kind of talk but then, once he'd heard enough...that was it, he didn't want to hear it anymore.

So, I suggested we perhaps do something with some of my friends, instead, thinking they would never say anything even close to what his friends would say to him in hopes it would help "boost" his spirits and self-confidence.

Wow, was I wrong!!

Granted, my friends never said anything directly to my husband, instead they said it, privately, to me instead.

"You deserve better than him;"
"You can find somebody who treats you like you should be treated"

and so on...

At this time, I dropped all of my friends (at my husbands request) without a second thought (and I was okay with this because I didn't appreciate my [so-called] friends "dissing" my husband, anyway).

No, he never heard a word of what they said about him so this is not the reason he asked me to drop them; he asked me to drop them because he said he simply didn't enjoy hanging out with them and he said he could never have a good time in their presence.

I did as asked and stopped communicating with those who had the nerve to put my husband, the man I want to spend the rest of my life with, down (although their feelings about him were unbeknowst to him).

Do I love my husband? Yes!

Am I "in love" with my husband? Hell, yes, more than I love life itself! (I would die for this man in a heartbeat if it ever came down to it).

Do I love everything he says/does? No, of course not, no one can agree on things 100%, but this does not mean I do not respect what he has to say/do and I am always ready and willing to come to an understanding (ie: compromise?) together and to learn to know why he even says/does these things to begin with.

Fast forward to today and, same thing, family and friends still have the same feelings as they did before and they are not shy about sharing their feelings (and 20+ years later, my husband surely knows how many of them feel so it's no longer exactly "kept in the dark").

Truth is, my husband really is a kind, gentle and loving soul but to get someone else to see the same thing I do, it's pretty much a no-go, they simply only see what they consider his "bad-side" (the side that "cuts his wife down") and nothing else (regardless of how highly I speak of him and/or defend him and his actions). Personally, I don't feel he even has a "bad-side," I just feel he acts the way he does (at times) because of all the negative stuff people say about him (I can only imagine it would be enough to make him feel like, pardon my language...crap and, in turn, his defenses come up).

Anyway, without going into all the little details, we did see a few different counselors (3) over the years who all came to the same basic conclusion; my husband could not handle negative words against him and, therefore, "reacted" in the only way he knew how (by talking me [his wife] down because I was, in his subconscious mind, his competition).

I guess, perhaps, this is what I really feel is my "issue;" I want my husband to see me as the wife that I am, not as the competition he imagines me to be, because, simply put, it hurts. It hurts knowing that he even feels the need to put me down to bring himself up. I want him to feel good about who he is but, for the life of me, I can't seem to get him to feel that way, regardless of how I try.

Ironically enough, he still "brags" about me to certain people (he speaks very highly of me to most) but, as to those people who he feels he needs to defend himself to...he speaks of me in just the opposite manner and I cannot help but feel kind of "irked" by this.

I am more than okay with someone not liking me (to each his own) but, at the same time, I am not keen about the fact that there are people disliking me based on the lies my husband feels the need to tell them. Call me crazy but, yes, that does bother me (is that not, in itself, rather a form of what is called "gas-lighting" around here?). In addition, I cannot help but wonder if, at least to some degree, this may even be partially responsible for my social anxiety (after all, it is very uncomfortable to be "made fun of/put down" in front of several other people by the one who you put most of your faith and trust into, time and time again).

Oh, and both my husband and I did fill out the questionnaires (all of them) here on this site (although he isn't aware of where they actually came from as of yet) a few weeks ago and, from his answers, I scored extremely high on each of them. I cannot recall what all of the ratings were out of but I did score either full points (ie: 5/5) or one-off of full points (ie: 4/5) on virtually all of them (the recreational needs one is the only one I scored poorly on, scoring two points less than a perfect score) which, of course, I can't say really surprised me. As for what he wrote in the comments area for this specific section, he wrote that he is still quite satisfied with me in this area (Recreational Activities) because he, for one, is not all that big on going out and participating in RA anyway. This is true, he is much more a homebody then someone who likes to go out and socialize (although he, of course, doesn't get into a panic state at the thought of doing so).

Anyway, I hope this helps clear a few things up, I tried to tell as much as I could, in as much detail as I could, without writing page after page after page.

Of course, if you have any questions/comments, I will be more than happy to answer them to the best of my ability.

Thanks again!

Now you've got me scratching my head. I'm trying to determine what the issue actually is.

Initially, your veiled references to your disorder led me to believe that you have a social anxiety/agoraphobia that was taking away your ability to have RC with your husband. You said in your first post: And now you're saying:

The rest of this post has me feeling bad for your husband. There appears to be an imbalance that you don't seem to have discouraged:
I suspect he picked up on their 'dissing' more than he may have let on. And more: What things have you said to your family and friends to discourage their disrespectful words to and about your husband?

I don't think that would cause you to be afraid to leave your house. What does your husband say about your thoughts regarding his disrespectful words being partially to blame for your condition?
Whhooo-boy, more marriage counselors doing their fine work. What was your reaction to their 'diagnosis'? What was your husband's?

FTF,

Since this is the 101 forum, I'll give you a little bit of MB 101 brush up to explain why I say that you aren't IN LOVE with your husband (being in love, and loving someone are separate things, you see).

According to MB there are "Three States of Mind in Marriage."

These are;

Intamacy


Conflict


And, finally.... Withdrawal



It sounds as if you may be in a state of conflict, and your husband is either in conflict, or already into withdrawal. Please read into those links a bit before you answer again. I'm sure you'll find that you aren't in a state of intimacy. In fact, I guarantee it. People who can naturally maintain a state of intimacy don't often go looking for help for their marriages (I said not often, not never).

So, what I am trying to espouse to you, is the plan to lead your husband out of conflict/withdrawal into intimacy again - at which point he will not only be willing, but happy to meet your needs;

How One Spouse Can Lead
the other Back to Intimacy



This is why I am pressing YOUR behavior, and YOUR thought processes on this - because that is the best way to adopt MB principals. The spouse who arrives first leads the way, and lays the foundation for the new marriage by modeling MB principals and leading their spouse back into intimacy.

ok, I am completely confused what any of this has to do with finding solutions. I wanted to point out that you down talk your husband yet you are accusing him of doing that. Do you do it to make yourself feel better?

Anyway, I would just reiterate my suggestion that you get professional help with the Harleys. Most "counselors" know as much about saving marriages as my minature schnauzer. The Harleys, on the other hand, do know how to save marriages.

We can help you if you will focus on finding solutions instead of fault. Finding fault won't help your marriage.

Well, just my 2 cents, but if someone feels he is worth less than his spouse, there are 2 ways of leveling this:

1. be his very best, try to be the best spouse
2. put the spouse down, so he can feel better.

Nr. 2 is not constructive and should be abandoned.
I really think you should take a look at the emotional needs again (without asking the husband) and then decide if you are doing everything.

It sounds like your husband has not yet been needing to use the POJA. He just does as he likes, maybe even sabotaging some of your efforts.

It may get better if you try to meet EN and rule out LB, but HE MUST START DO THE SAME THING. It can't come all from you.
It is in his best interest to keep you happy.

If all of your friends and family thought he treated you badly BEFORE you married, that, to me, is a red flag.
That does not mean the problem is unsolvable, but you need him to do it with you TOGETHER.

God bless,

Happyheart

I agree with ML, as you have been dancing this dance for so long, it might be more helpful to get some counseling with the Harleys (normal MC is not always going to do a marriage good).

It is very interesting that his friends said you were too good for him and your friends said the exact same thing.

What are they seeing that you aren't seeing?

Or that means she is griping about her husband to everyone like she is here, so of course they have a bad impression. The bottom line is that this marriage can be turned around if they both work on changing their behaviors and USE this program. The way she talks about her husband here is very disrespectful.

They see the side she presents, and they see their friendship - and rather than placing any value on marriage, they place it on their friend and their friendship.

"Girlfriend, you are just too good for him! Let's go out drinking, and find you a real man!"


Mmmhmmm. Spouse bashing friends aren't friends at all...

HIS friends said that, also.

According to her.

Will you invite your H to post, or ask his participation in the online program with Dr. Harley?

Then they aren't friends of the marriage either.

The point?

Actually, scratch that. There is a monumental difference between my friend or brother saying "How'd you ever get HER to date YOU, har har." And someone saying to my wife "You deserve better than him."

Presenting them both as if they are related? Fishy.

Yes, I can see that you are completely confused, it is apparent that you are reading into what I am trying to say completely the wrong way and I do apologize for that. Sorry, it's just hard to put certain things into words when you only have so much room to type and, in addition, only limited time to even do so.

First of all, please let me make one thing VERY clear; I am NOT talking down my husband nor am I making any judgement against him (contrary to what it may "appear" like to some of you at this time) so, no, I do not do this to "make me feel better" or anything along those lines.

I love my husband, I respect my husband, I do not speak ill of my husband, to do so is not my style nor is it who I am. Even HE would be the first to tell you this (as would anyone else, for that matter) if asked.

What you are perceiving as my "talking down" my husband is not anything like that at all; it is merely your perception of what I wrote (due to my wording, I guess) so please understand this.

When I mentioned those particular things that my husband says/does I was simply stating FACTS about his actions (not finding faults nor talking him down, as you seem to think) in hopes that someone may have an answer as to "why" he does these things because I have a sincere fear that, at some point down the road, his mis-truths about me will eventually get him into trouble if they happen to fall on the "wrong" ears.

Why do I have this fear? Because, more times than I can count, others have said they would love to "smash his face in" for talking so poorly of me and I'm scared to death this may actually happen someday.

No, I'm not talking my husband down, I'm openly stating facts about what he does because I'm worried about his getting harmed. And I do not, in anyway, look at his actions as "faults" (not even close) but, because so many others do, I am trying to find an answer to why he does what he does because I want to do whatever I can do to assure his safety.

As to why we seen the counselors that we did and what they may have to do with finding solutions; we went to see these counselors at my husbands request because he, himself, wanted to find an answer as to why he was saying these things about me because even he, himself, did not know and he was hoping to find a solution on how to control it.

Unfortunately, this today is still a problem; we have yet to find "why" he does it and, hopefully, find an answer on how to control it. Therefore, I came here in hopes that someone else may have either experienced the same thing and could offer me some advice or, at the very least, even have some words of encouragement to offer. Our marriage is not in trouble (on the contrary, it could be, for the most part, described as fantastic). However, I find it hard not to be concerned that it may, indeed, someday become troublesome if we don't find an answer to this particular dilemma.

As much as I would love to go out with my husband and spend time socializing with him and his friends it is awfully difficult to do it when, at the same time, he always says/does something to embarrass me and make me look worthless in front of those we are with. Again, I am NOT talking him down, I am stating FACTS about what he does in hopes that someone may have an answer as to why he does this. His actions do not make me love him any less but, admittedly, I do not want to be the brunt of his harsh words, either. I mean, am I honestly supposed to just "sit there and take it" just so that I can meet his need for RC for the rest of our lives?

option 1) I either "sit there and take it" while we socialize or,

option 2) Do what I do now and stay home to avoid getting into these situations to begin with.

The councilors we seen were not marriage councilors, they were mental health councilors -- our marriage, itself, was never the issue so there was no need for "saving our marriage."

I'm not here to focus on finding faults, I do not consider my husbands actions "faults;" I never have and I never will. However, this does not mean I don't want to find a solution for his actions because his actions, alone, are risking his safety and therefore, here I am, focused on finding a solution.

There is nothing they are seeing that I am not seeing, it is simply the way my husband "speaks" of me, at certain times, that others do not appreciate and "this" is what I am trying to find an answer for. There was a time when I was very socially active but, because my husband would speak of me in such a way that many did not approve of, I started to avoid these situations altogether because it was just to uncomfortable to even be in them. Aside from the way he speaks of me at times everything else is great and we get along remarkably well (we never argue, we communicate well, we show one another much affection/compassion/desire, etc).

By the way, excellent question, thank you for asking. :-)

I have not once "griped" about my husband and for you to come to that assumption based solely on your "perception" of what I wrote is really quite hurtful. If you were to ask anyone who knows me you would hear that I do nothing but speak VERY HIGHLY of him at all times (and this includes my very own husband). I have never shared a harsh word about my husband to anyone in my life (the examples I shared here I simply used for the purpose of EXPLAINING things in the best way that I knew how in hopes others would be able to understand what I was trying to say with ease, I did not use them to criticize my husband, nor his actions, in anyway, shape or form). Any harsh words my husband gets come directly from others...not from me, and most certainly not because of anything I said to anyone, either. Straight up, any harsh words or feelings anyone has for him are in direct relation to things that HE, himself, has shared with them and that have nothing to do with me whatsoever. I guess you could say that he is his own worst enemy.

As for bad impressions, giving my husband a bad impression is the last thing I would ever try and do and something that I have never intentionally done. As a matter of fact, I spend much time talking my husband "UP" in hopes of others getting the same impression of him that I, myself, do. My husband is a FANTASTIC man with a heart of gold and he means the world to me and I am not afraid to let everyone know it (and I most certainly do!). However, he "does" have this...issue, that just happens to be an issue he "uses" at my expense and it is causing disapproval from others so both of us would like to find an answer as to how he can overcome it.

I do apologize for your perceiving what I wrote as something other than it was meant to be but, all the same, it is still a perception none-the-less and one that is way off base so I will try to be much clearer from now on to avoid any more confusion.

Did you read my suggestion about signing up for the Marriage Builders course? Dr Harley is a clincal psychologist who is a mental health professional AND a marriage counselor. If anyone can help you and your H, I wager it would be him. If your H steps out of line, Dr Harley would set him straight very quickly. Many of us have gone through that program and it has been an enormous help.

I would scroll down to Program #3 simply because that is the program that gives you the full marriage program, an assigned coach and daily access to Dr. Bill Harley. Check it out here: here

You could stop wasting time defending yourself, and learn how to eliminate Love Busters, and meet emotional needs instead...