Hello all. I've lurked around here for a long time but this is my first time posting. I'll start with some background

Me and H have been together for over 6 years and have 2 children together. About a year and a half ago I had 3 EA, 2 of which turned into PA. They all happened at the same time.

I'll try to explain a little, I am not �that girl� I'm not sure what happened exactly. It seemed as though once I was open for an A they just all came at me. I am not your typical pretty girl so it was all very flattering. I loved the EA part of it. Having attention, feeling wanted and being chased was like drugs for me. I hated every minute of when it became PA but I did not want the emotional part to stop and felt I needed to do it to keep them around. The longest went on for about 3 months.

Since then we have worked on rebuilding things, I think we are better now than we ever have been. Without reading anything from MB, H fell into something very similar to Plan A and things worked itself out from there.

Now for the part I need help with. I am beginning to feel like I did last time. Lonely, vulnerable, wondering about all the 'what ifs'. I do not have any contact with any men anymore but I will see men out when I am shopping or running errands and think about what they would be like in a relationship. I'll fantasize about the emotional parts of a relationship with other men. When I am home I feel depressed and stuck. (I am on anti-depressants since the affairs. Depression was one reason � not an excuse � why I think I allowed myself to such horrible things in the first place.) I remember how it started last time. Home was so depressing and sad and a tiny rush from another man felt so amazing. I really do crave it, like an addict trying to get high. I don't want to have another affair, I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about the last ones. Why do I let myself get into this kind of thinking? I know better than to expect sympathy but I don't know what to do about this.

Any help?

STOP! Don't act - THINK!

Ask yourself what "strokes" - we call them Emotional Needs (or ENs) - did you receive from initiating and then continuing the EAs (that became PAs) with these APs.

Dollars-to-doughnuts I can list them here:

• Attention - in terms of spending tme and effort to listen to you and your thoughts/concerns - about everything!
• Admiration - in terms of telling you of your attractiveness and desirableness

Are those the key items?

Okay, now you grab your spouse by his ears, sit him down, and tell him your relationship with him is lacking in these matters. Demand that he tell you what he thinks is missing from you as well. Tell him also that you love him, and want to have a completely fulfilling marriage with him, and that will require work on both your parts to identify and supply what each of you needs from the marriage. Plan with him a minimum of 20 hours of Uninterrupted Attention (UA) time each week, as the main vehicle to facilitate those actions.

This MB Program is NOT Advanced Astro-Physics. It is based on common-sense sourcing of elements that satisfies the needs of both partners in the marriage.

On this site, read the EN articles. Read the MB practices that support their application. (The discussion I urged upon you is straight from "Radical Honesty.)

Got it? Good! Now get to WORK!

Hi emegee, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Are you married?

Emegee,

Does you H know everything which happened during the affairs or are you withholding information from him? If you are still fantasizing about other men it does not sound like your marriage has really recovered.

Did your H confront the OM's and have their wives or so's been told?

Have you been tested for STDs?

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, you are spot on with that. A lot of the EN I identified as problem areas for me before were not ones that I was getting from the APs (like domestic support) but I think I will read over them all again.

We did work out a plan with EN when we began recovery. A lot of it has stuck, smaller things get pushed back with daily life. Same with the UA time.


Yes, since October 2006. We were only together about 6 months before that.


I have told him everything about them. H did not confront them at all. None were married, they were all young and the player type (not my type at all!) The feelings and fantasies stopped for a while afterwards but they slowly came back.

The PA were mainly oral sex (just for them)because it just seemed easier for me. Actual sex was just once, right before it ended. I have not been checked for STDs. I guess I should

How did you meet the men you had these affairs with? And where did you conduct your affair? In your home? Their home? Where?

They were all men I had known from way back in highschool. We would start talking on facebook and eventually we would just go out places and hang out around town.

Let's also put a stop to some other fantasies that you apparently cling to:

"I'm not THAT GIRL!" "..they were all young and the player type (not my type at all!)"

You ARE "that girl" to your BH and to us here! You were a typical easy WW, nothing "special" or "exclusive" about you: You had needs to fill, and were willing to trade BJs for them. And oh, by the way, our job here is to prevent you from demonstrating that you can be "that girl" yet again.

And they were your "type" as far as satisfying your needs. A serial killer, or pre-adolescent boy, would have been your "type" if you adjudged them as able and willing to fill your needs.

So knock off the elevated opinion of yourself, okay? And get yourself checked for the full range of STDs, before you give your husband and your children yet another nasty surprise.

Emegee,

I have not been checked for STDs. I guess I should

Please do, don't get pregnant until you are clear either, some county heath departments will check you for free, visit your local county or city website.

Also oral sex IS NOT SAFE, HPV is causing oral head and neck cancers, in addition to it's causing the more well know cervical cancer.

God Bless
Gamma

Have you eliminated facebook altogether? What about opposite sex friendships? Have you ceased with opposite sex friendships? All of the conditions that led to your affairs should be eliminated in order to prevent a repeat affair.

That's really not good enough, considering the death wound you delivered to your marriage. There is work to do. What about getting an accountability coach on here to keep you on track?

Your H also prob needs to get checked for STDs too.

As for not being 'that type' - you traded BJs for attention. That is horrible and reading that I felt for you! Even though it is your own fault and you have hurt your H a thousandfold that level of addiction is a horrible position to be in.

Dr H says that anyone who thinks they are not the type to have an affair is ore at risk of doing it than anyone else.

So we get very nervous when we hear stuff like that. Everyone is wired to have an affair. You, me, everyone.

You knew it was wrong, you knew you were being 'that type' and you big fat did it anyway by pretending you werent 'that type' which makes it ok? .

The more you eliminate these ideas, the more out of the fog you will come. It is the fog making you fantasise about random guys on the street.

You know how easy it is to get that high. SO you need super high boundaries and to put a LOT of effort into recovery at home.

Up for that?

Facebook is named in 1 out of 5 divorces. It is ADDICTIVE for many people.
You need to DELETE your Facebook Account. Prior to doing so, you should give your husband your Facebook password and ask him to change it and not tell you the new password he chooses. Then you will be unable to cancel the deletion (facebook gives you 14 days to cancel).

Like you, my wife found her affair partner on Facebook. She is being divorced and may lose custody of her 3 children. Her Facebook and affair addiction is destroying our family.

If you can't honestly do the above, and I doubt you can then you need to tell your husband that you care more about Facebook and affairs than your family and leave, save him the misery of dealing with your actions.

I still have facebook but only family on it (they are all far away). He has my passwords and can check it whenever he wants. I only check it when I get a message in my inbox that someone has written to me. They all include him in the messages too. He has been fine with this but I'm fine with closing it and reading messages through his account too.

I have no contact with other men at all. Not on facebook or anywhere else. I don't go out anywhere that's not work (a female only office) or running errands.

I say I'm not "that girl" because it just wasn't like me at all. I'm not exactly sure what happened, I made up personalities with these other people. It was fun, at the time, to become a different person other than Mom, wife, employee.


and yes, I know it's horrible and disgusting. I still have many times where I have a memory of it and just stop in my tracks because I want to throw up. I haven't had any tests because I do try to forget that it ever happened and get it out of my life but I'm sure that's a bad thing to do.

H doesn't like to talk about it either. We've sort of gotten into this 'pretend it didn't happen' situation now. I think it helps him deal with it which is a big reason why I don't want to tell him how I feel and put him through all that again.

I do feel like the fog is back. I'll work on boundaries and being more realistic with things

Get rid of Facebook altogether. You don't need it, and neither does your husband.

Emegee,
You are in a bad place right now. You need to get through the fog and withdrawl and then you need to work the MB program.

Read my story........maybe it will help! I am dealing with depression as well.
CT

Thank you comedytragedy, I found your first thread and have started reading it. I can really relate to it.

Emegee,
Keep reminding yourself what you have to LOSE instead of what you "think" you have to gain.

I used to think about how great it would be to be "free", but that was fog talking. Think about how awful it would be to lose your husband. Sit down and write out all the awful consequences that would arise from leaving your husband.
CT

Em,

You were right and courageous to come here and post honestly about your affairs. Shame and embarrassment are good things here as they indicate that your moral compass is re-asserting itself. It would be very worrisome if you were justifying or defending your infidelities. Listen to the vets here--they know this process way better than you do and many have been either BSs or WSs in the past.

You expressed self-confusion about how you could do these things since you claim to be "not that kind of girl". Well, Dr. H says we are ALL wired, i.e. susceptible, to have an affair. Under some circumstances, virtually none of us would; under others, many of us could. Almost all WSs feel like their affair somehow "just happened" or "is special" or "wasn't in their control" or was "brought on by a bad marriage", etc.

While there is no question that not having one's key ENs met adequately by one's spouse predisposes people to accept it from an OP outside the marriage, this is NEVER an excuse for doing so. Yes, your marriage needs improvement (you and your BH need to read up on LBs and ENs and both of you need change), but it also absolutely vital for you to initiate and maintain Extraordinary Precautions (EPs) against this ever happening again.

That means tell your BH everything--the WHOLE TRUTH. Don't sweep it under the rug to "spare him", even if that seems to be his wish. Give him complete access--no secrecy, no whining about "privacy"--to your phone, email, whereabouts, computer, etc. I strongly recommend getting off Facebook permanently. Social networking sites like that provide opportunities and start many, many affairs and you know people maintained families and businesses long before they were around.

Others have posted to you about identifying some key ENs of yours that you have allowed the OMs to help meet for you in the past. Recognize that these are key vulnerabilities for you (attention/conversation & compliments/affection/"feeling desired" are very common key ENs for women). With these ENs especially, you must be very careful to only allow your BH to meet them. Fact is, when we allow an inappropriate member of the opposite sex to meet our ENs, especially our key ENs, we put ourself on the slippery slope of "connection". Connection leads to feelings and feelings lead to indulgences when we sell out our values, standards, and commitments. It all begins with the most simple (and seemingly innocent at first) toe over the line of failing to defend appropriate personal boundaries.

Recognize that you have (or have had) very poor personal boundaries around men and that MUST CHANGE on your part.

Not true. There are some marriage where the ENs were being met and there was still an A. The MAJOR cause for affairs is WEAK BOUNDARIES of the WS which allows someone other than their spouse to fill ENs which only their spouse should be meeting. That is why EPs are EXTREMELY important. There are some OPs who met certain ENs better for their WSs than the BS, doesn't mean that the BS wasn't meeting ENs or that the marriage was bad.

Boundaries are the KEY, and that is why people are suggesting that you remove FB. There is no need for your BH to have a FB account either. It is a trigger and a temptation that can be gotten rid of easily so why not? If you are going to make excuses why you need to keep it, what else are you going to try to cut?

And get to the doctor and get tested. Sticking your head in the sand isn't what a mature person does. You need to KNOW if you got any STI's. It may be a breaking point for your BH, and he needs to know the TRUTH about his life to be able to make an informed decision.

As a xBH who never cheated myself, I am NOT making any excuses whatsoever for someone going outside of his/her marriage because their "needs weren't being met" within it. All affairs are the result of the WS's failure to defend appropriate personal boundaries and values no matter what the pre-existing circumstances are. Agreed.

All I am saying is that a marriage in which both parties are consistently meeting each others key ENs is less likely to be afflicted by an affair. Cheating is ultimately a choice and a decision only and you still must also choose to keep proper boundaries and EPs in place. Dr. H states (paraphrased):

"There are reasons and explanations for why affairs happen, but there are never justifications."