Hello, i am struggling with going into plan B. Specifically when it comes to exchanging our son, and doctors appts etc. Our son is now showing signs of autism. This could mean lengthy appts etc.
The sitter had metioned it to her and she did not take any action, so i did. Now she wants to attend.

My plan B is maybe different i guess. Ive read about avoidance approach conflict in one of Dr. Harleys articles. And i feel this maybe coming up.

We seperated once before before the child was born. She sent seperation papers, and it took me a while to sign. When i did, two days later she came back saying she made a big mistake. We reconciled and had a child.

She has left again and filed for divorce. I have this feeling once it is final she will do the same thing.

That is why i want to plan B. I truly do love her and can forgive her. But we cant keep doing this. That is why i need a solid plan B for 6 months to 2 years. Out of site out of mind kind of thing.
So that is my struggle. I do not want her to be out of our sons life of course. But at the same time i need to start letting go if this is how she is going to behave. I also want to do what God will expect me to do given my situation.

Please Help....

Ruikee, exactly what are you struggling with?

Ruikee, I don't think Plan B is indicated in your situation at all. There is a chance you can win your wife back, but that will go away with Plan B, won't it? Are your wife's actions currently affecting your health and mental well-being? Did Dr. Harley recommend Plan B?

No he did not mention it. Just seeing her affects me. I get really depressed even though I am on ADs. Its like she triggers it when see her, I have all these thoughts of the family that is being lost. So my guess is exposier isnt good now either? Maybe I'm totally confused with MB principles?

I honestly don't know the answer on exposure. I think I would do it simply because you know this man to be abusive and a danger to your child, but I might be low-key about it.

If I'm following Dr. Harley right, he is suggesting that you stay in the wings, repeatedly demonstrating yourself to be the better choice: the non-abusive man, the one who meets emotional needs.

I think you are wondering right now if you can keep that up.

I think maybe you are capable of more than you give yourself credit for!

Dont know your entire story...but here are things you should be doing, if you havent already....

PLAN A!
GETTING YOUR LEGAL AFFAIRS IN ORDER
BEING THE BEST DAD TO YOUR SON

Unless you want Plan D (which is your right), then these things are necessary.

How lng has thins been going on this time? Have you Plan Aed at all?

How far have you gotten in the diagnostic stage with your son?

Thanks to you all. I of course do not want to divorce, but unfortunately there is nothing that i can do to stop it. I have been in what i am told a long distance plan A for at least a year.

I know i can do it, its just hard seeing her, and whenever i talk to her she is just shut down. When i ask her anything about my son, she lashes out in anger.

As my faith has increased, so has my love for her.

I have made an appointment for my son but it isnt til his birthday next month.

Blessings

You can do it, Ruikee, and hopefully it being "long distance" will make it easier than it would be if you were in the same house.

Okay.

So the childcare provider observes that it be looked into but there is no start of a professional medical diagnosis. Childcare providers sometimes see differences in development or behavior but they do not diagnose, simply refer to check things out.

Definitely invite the wife to join you in the attendance of the initial appointment and meanwhile do plan for how to protect your finances and what your rights are as a father legally.

Brainstorm on who could be an intermediary if you wind up having to go to plan B.

If your child winds up being diagnosed with a developmental issue.....there will be steps to take to meet his needs ..... an IEP (individual educational plan) that will have guidelines which could be communicated via an intermediary with no or minimal interaction of you with your wife.

Try to tend to yourself while you are in plan A. Treat yourself to things you enjoy to help ride it out. Expand your network of buddies who have similar interests that you have. That will help a lot.

Thanks you Markos, I just do not have very many chances to meet emotional needs. Dr. Harley did mention on the show about John and Sue i think from SAA and the Hell he went through. Is that letter posted on the site.

The only really emotional need i think i can meet now is the family commitment and financial by paying child support. I know they are some, but there has to be a way to meet more. Her most important a few years ago was time and intimate conversation. The first one i obviously have little chance of meeting, The second one, sometimes but then she closes me off and gets off the phone.
Someone else said, even though i have recovered from my verbal abuse, i have just been dealt a bad set of cards.

You are going to have to get very creative. Find a way to make a love bank deposit, every single day. You will not see the effects, not for a long time, but you will be building up a balance. You want to have a high balance (built out of pennies! ) when the other relationship comes crashing down.

You cannot afford any withdrawals.


Those are good, but not intimate emotional needs. They don't really encourage romance, although they sometimes help a withdrawn spouse open up to be willing to receive deposits from the intimate emotional needs.

Keep those up, but add affection and conversation. I saw you posting about the friends and enemies of good conversation. You may be mystified about that, but read it and do it. I was similarly mystified when Steve Harley basically told me "That's it; there's nothing else for you to read that'll help you with conversation; just focus on this." It looked like there was nothing there. But there is something there: it's a roadmap to how to make love bank deposits with conversation (and how to avoid withdrawals, which you must avoid at all cost!)

It will be only penny deposits at first.

If you throw any recreational companionship in there, use it as a pretense for meeting the other two intimate emotional needs.

Keep up ALL of the others as best as you can: look your best. Speak admiringly of her! Provide the support you can. But keep making penny deposits of intimate ENs.


Time is not really an EN, but you do need time to make more than penny deposits in the ENs! She will eventually be more willing to receive this.

It's worth asking -- how is your job? Like it, or dislike it? Passionate about it? (Passionate love, passionate hate?)