Two weeks ago I asked my WH to come up with a resume and send it out to at least five places by the next week. It has now been two weeks and no resume. I know that he needs to quit the job he is at because that's where the OW works.

A few days ago I decided to give what's left of our relationship all I've got (for the 1000th time). I cooked a beautiful meal, had music going, the house was clean, I appeared happy and confident, and the kids were playing nicely in the living room. I had WH come over and he loved what he found when he got here. He really enjoyed himself. The next night I did the same thing and he told me that he really appreciated everything I was doing.

I knew I was in trouble though. I knew I couldn't pretend to be that happy for long without him giving some too. It takes two!!! So then it happened I came crashing down and got upset, not mad, upset just thinking about stuff that happened and dealing with the skeletons in the closet type of thing. After all, it's only been two months that I've known the whole truth about the affair and the lenth of time it was (7 yrs).

When I got upset, WH got mad. He was yelling at me and I was sitting with my head in my hands crying. He was yelling "You just need to figure out what you want"! and "If you're just going to throw what I did up in my face all the time then we will never work out!" I'm trying so hard to not throw it in his face, but it is still fresh and raw and I'm hurting. He also said "All this (me being sad and crying over what he did) does is pull us further apart!"

Married 6 years
2 kids under the age of 3
WH had 7 yr LTA
Found out via text message five months ago

SS, I view this as a distraction from the main problem. What is being done to get him out of there? Pretending you are "happy" while he continues to work with the OW avoids the conflict and gives him the impression that finding another job is not important. Plan A is not about acting happy and Plan A is not supposed to last more than 3 or 4 weeks for women before they separate.

I strongly advise you to formally expose the affair at work and give your husband an ultimatum to get out of there. If he doesn't get out of there fast, then you should separate and go into Plan B.

Please don't play around with this. Women have nervous breakdowns and suffer years of post traumatic stress disorder from living like this. Take care of yourself by taking ACTION while you still have a shred of energy in you. Don't wait until it is too late.

Until your husband achieves "no contact" once and for all...there is no making progress. Your efforts, though noble, were destined to fail and merely fueled your resentment and anger.

He should be coming to you with timetables and lists of extraordinary precautions he's implementing hoping you'll give him another chance. I can see you've got two children under the age of 3 so you must feel your back is up against it and you've got no choice but to try but setting the bar low is only asking for failure. You've been married 6 years and he's been shlepping her for 7 years....this isn't going to be a simple break nor an easy recovery. Your "stick" in the "carrot and stick of Plan A" needs to toughen up.

I'm sorry you find yourself her.

Mr. Wondering

I need some help with the plan A, B thing. I don't want him to lose his job if I end up divorced because that will be the only way I will be able to support myself and the kids. With him not even making resumes I feel like divorce is becoming more and more my only option. I'm really worried about myself and feel like I'm slipping further into a really bad place and will have PTSD like Melody listed above.

I have been separated from him since the discovery 5 months ago. I've told him he must get out of that job, but would like to see a resume. Am I in plan A? or B?

You are separated? Why? Is his affair still ongoing?

SS, I would make plans to go into Plan B. Do you have the book Survivng an Affair? Plan B is a completely dark separation where you do not speak to him, see him, or email him. All pertinent communication would come through an intermediary.

This is initiated by a Plan B letter.

Read this thread http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787 and then in the next post I will post the Plan B letter.

In your plan b letter you would make it a condition that he find another job:

Plan B letter from Dr Harley's book Surviving an Affair:

My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

Very very helpful!!!! Is there usually a set time limit that you allow plan B to go on?

As far as the affair still going on... He works right there where she is. He tells me he doesn't see or talk to her in any kind of way, but after discovery 5 months ago he kept talking to her and he admitted that two months ago. I don't trust that he is now clean and free of her even though he says he is.

He thinks I'm the one with the problem because I can't just "get over it already". It hurts so bad. I wish I could just get over it. I think I might just be ready to get a divorce.

Originally I thought the affair had been going on for two years. Then it came out later that it had really been going on since before we got married 6 yrs ago. My counselor had asked me, right after I found out, "When did you notice a shift if your relationship? When did things start to get bad for you?" I was blank. I wanted to give an answer, but honestly the relationship was always the same. Now I know why. It had been going on the whole time.

My father is a very non-affectionate man. I think that I just thought that is what love was suppose to feel like. So when I married my husband, I didn't realize that something was majorly wrong. I was also VERY blindsided when I discovered the affair because I didn't sense anything abnormal.

Now I am afraid because I think my "guage" is off. I don't trust my own instincts on whether or not I'm being emotionally abused right now. How emotionally abused have I been this whole marriage? Maybe I should record fights that I have with him and let someone else hear the things he says?

In the plan B letter it says to bring up a fond memory or the good times. I'm blank there too. I've never really been happy with him. He's alwasy made me feel unwanted and disposable. I do love him though. I'm probably co-dependent to the extreme. I think about our son graduating and our daughter getting married one day and I don't want to see him there and not share that moment. That kills me to think about. I'm starting to think that these wishes/visions of the future I have regarding what could/should be are just fantisies and it would never be like that with this man.

Uh-huh. You're not buying this line of bull, right?

SS, this isn't going to work if they are working together. It just doesn't.

I agree - you're past Plan A time. Time for Plan B.

I don't think you're blank - I think you're emotionally paralyzed, and that makes it hard to think. I've got a couple of possibilities for you: you have children together. Wasn't their birth an exciting and happy time? Did you ever go on vacation together? Any romantic dinners before or after you married?