Hello, I've been lurking on and off for a couple weeks now. Hopefully I'll find some helpful advice for my situation.

Been with H for approx 25 yrs, married 18 yrs, & have 3 children.

Where do I begin without getting into TOO many unnecessary details? Have had ups and downs along the way, before kids we were enamored with each other. Then motherhood took over and I didn't feel he was doing his part as a father. This created resentment over the years but I was still very much in love with him. Just hoping that he would "get it" one day.

I knew he loved me and was very much attracted to me, no doubt at all.

Then after about 10 yrs he got a taste "guy time" and started going out with some of my friends' husbands. Started off sporadic but then became more frequent (for what I was used to).

He started becoming distant and staying out later. One year ago, my female intuition pointed me in the right direction and I found out, after 3 months, that he was having what I call an emotional affair (although he will not accept that title). I have never felt so sick in my life! I called her from his phone and left a message explaining that I knew and it was over! He seemed truly sorry for what he had done and for almost 2 wks he was perfect! It was like we were courting again. I still have questions and doubt about what took place but he assures me that it wasn't sexual. I had a very hard time becoming intimate with him again (and still do).

Life went on and I guess he just got tired of trying to help me heal. In heated conversations, he's said that it's too much work. He continues to blame me for his straying, telling me that I should've kept him home. So of all the years that my feelings got ignored by my trying to tell/show him that something was bothering me, this is what I got... blame.

Over the past year after the EA, things have gotten worse. I've poured my heart out trying to explain that I need HIS help to get through what he did. But again, he's tired.

Present day: We've had MANY yelling matches (he has a temper and can't talk rationally). I've trying telling him that I'd like to save our marriage and that we BOTH have to make changes. He claims that I just want to shackle him to the house and keep him prisoner. It is so upsetting because we used to be each others best friends, we did everything together and now he doesn't want to be around me.

He has told me that he isn't in love with me anymore and wants me to just leave him alone. But he doesn't want to get divorced. He tells me, if I'm not happy, LEAVE! If I don't talk to him about our relationship, we can be cordial with each other. But that isn't what I want. I've even asked if he was having another affair and he swears he isn't (my gut tells me otherwise). I don't know if I can get through THAT again.

I can write a novel, but hopefully I've given enough insight on my situation.

I've printed out the questionaires and he said he would take a look at them but they're still sitting in the same place.

I've asked to go to counseling and he flat out refuses.

I know he wants affection (and sex) but how can I, when he tells me he's not in love with me anymore?

We did have intercourse a few days ago (like I said, if I don't talk about our marriage we're cordial) and just today, he told me that it was just sex, no feelings were involved.

I have become so depressed and I don't want my kids seeing me this way. I'm also sure that I'm not very appealing to him this way either.

Any other time we've argued in the past, I knew he still loved me. But now he has a different look in his eye, it's very eerie. Is there ANY hope?

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and I apologize for it being so lengthy.

This is not lengthy for an inital post. Know that you came to the right place, and that there are great people here that can offer you wonderful insight. Since I am in the same boat as you I fear that I am not that person, so I will refrain. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Read up on Plan A. Decide what it is you want, what you can live with, what you want your kids to see. How old are your children by the way? Hang in there. As my father always says, This too shall pass. It may not feel like it. Hold strong. Know that you deserve better.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, Daisy.

Who is the woman he was having the EA with? Do they work together?

What have you done to ensure that the EA/PA is no longer continuing? How have you independently verified this? (Do not take your husband's word for it.)

Hi Daisy, welcome to Marriage Builders. You can turn this around but you are going to have sell him on the program. He can fall back in love again if you both use this program.

I would get the book Fall in Love, Stay in Love, by Dr Harley, read it and then tell him on the program. If you can get him to do this with you, the love in your marriage can be restored. But you won't be successful selling it as a way to change him. You have to sell him on the benefits. And he does stand to benefit greatly.

Thank you for the welcome.
The OW was a customer. It took place last yr oct-dec and the bomb blew up in Jan. I got cell phone records and was quite positive that there had been no further communication. He assured me that there was no sexual interactions; that it was just phone conversations and that they had never had a 'date'. He has referred to her as a his therapist (obviously without an MD!) but I'm sure she was expecting more.

I know that my inability to recover from this traumatic experience hindered our relationship further. I think he just wanted to put it in the past and pretend like it never happened but in my eyes, things could never be the same. I needed him to be sorry and make me feel safe and loved. He doesn't know the feeling of being betrayed by the absolute closet person in your life.

So now we're here... after his short-lived apologetic courting state of approx 2 wks, real life started again. I know he didn't like not going out with his friends and giving up his sense of freedom. So it slowly began again. Then I would pull back the reigns and bring up the EA to remind him what he put me through. I guess this got old real fast and he became more resistant.

We of course then talked divorce, which he says he doesn't want. Moments of mature, quiet conversation are few and far between with him. One wrong word, or expression, or look and he flies off the handle.

He just keeps saying that he wants to be left alone. If I ask if there's any hope for us he says he doesn't know. That he's not in love with me anymore and he's not happy.

He blames me for the situation that we're in. It's my fault because I wasn't giving him enough affection, appreciation, and most importatantly SEX. But he discounts the facts of why he wasn't getting this things.

It's funny, after reading through the site and finding out the basic concepts, it is almost exactly what I've been trying to do since day ONE! It all makes sense, how can someone disagree? It should be COMMON SENSE to everyone!

But my H has contracted this "I'm a man" persona and "no one can tell me what to do" attitude. I know he'd rather be with his guy friends than with me but to find out he's having another A? That would be devastating.

So now that I've probably bored you all to death, let me tell you what I found this morning.

Just a simple look at the history on the computer and found out he was googling: how to tell if you're being followed & how to find out if you're being spied on.

I know you were all going to tell me to investigate and snoop but now that cat's out of the bag.

Like I said in my previous post, my GUT says there's another A. Is it the same one from last year? I do not know.

This whole thing makes me sick!

Do I hang on to the frayed strings of our marriage or jump ship? I can't imagine ending it all. I wish I could just make things better and erase all the damage that's been done.

BTW, I'm a stay at home mom (kids range from 10-15) and my H is self employed (not sure if that info is relevant).

Thanks to all of you that took the time to read this.

:::Please God help me:::

There are other options.
Buy the MB book Surviving an Affair (SAA)
Go to the MB bookstore link (up top this page) to take a look.



Hopes & wishes are a luxury people in crisis cannot afford.

Your house is on fire.
You can't waste your time by wishing it were not true. Wishes will not extinguish the flames.

Please, click the carrot/stick link in my sig line below and ask questions about the PLANs to expose/end the affair.

Right away, put a GPS on the vehicle he drives.
It's simple.
You need accurate data to make strategic decisions.

MB is all about strategy and plans.

Have you exposed this to EVERYONE?

Thanks pepperband.

I'm a little apprehensive to install any gps or use other spy tactics, as he was searching "how to tell if you're being spied on" and on one of the sites it says you can have your car swept of any devices by whomever.

As for his phone, he keeps it surgically attached to himself and he's an extremely light sleeper. I do not however, think he is using it to call or text. He is beyond that from getting caught last year. What I believe is that they are communicating through an unknown email account which is accessed through his phone.

Also, I got lucky finding the search history on our computer because he's been doing alot more internet browsing from his phone instead.

I think I threw him for a loop today because I said "good morning" to him and gave him a kiss (this was BEFORE he googled the spy stuff).

Realistically, is it possible to end an A without drastic measures? Can you just turn them around with TLC? Don't want to be naive but don't know if I can do the whole exposure process.

This is how his contact is occurring. How about when he's in the shower? Can you sneak it then? Realistically? No. If he is paranoid enough to being googling about spyware, you need to make sure you password protect your own phone and computer. He may put spyware on it to check on YOUR activities.

Absolutely no one knows about the EA of last year. I'm usually a very private person and don't like to air dirty laundry. He still refuses to consider it an affair at all. He describes it as a friend that he used to talk to (AFFAIR in my eyes!). I think part of the reason that I don't want people knowing is that I don't want to look like a fool. Why would I want to be with a man that did something like that? I should just "leave him", is what I will hear. So I suffer in silence...

In all probability, your husband has been screwing at least one OW.

Your house is on fire.
You question the drastic use of massive amounts of water because you don't want to damage the carpet.

What do you want to do? Spit on this fire and hope/wish that will be enough?

My husband and I have been married 25 years. We have 2 kids ages 21 and 13. We live in a small town where we both grew up and he has coached very competitive youth sports for the past 5 years. With this team sports, there is a lot of overnight travel. I have been unhappy with this situation for several years but the past year has been terrible. He used to be such a nice guy but for the past year he has become a monster and I have become depressed. Then in November we had a life changing event and as a result of that it came to my attention he had been having an affair with one of the team moms. I suspected they had feelings for each other but felt it was just a phase and they only saw each other when I was with them. They had been close for years but the affair started in May 2010 on our family vacation. As I researched I found that he had been living 2 lives and basically had what seemed to me a marriage to her while I was working and paying all the bills. Our kids were best friends, we did everything together. The affair ended before I found out because he did not take the girl to the next age group. Now he feels terrible and is trying to make it up to me and I have good days and bad days. There are days I want to put it in the past and move on but there are days I feel what am I doing with this man. We live in a small town and it is the news of the entire town. We attend a 1000 member church and every Sunday the sermon seems to be about us. I have read your books which I bought the first one before I even knew and could not put it down. I feel I had no experience in affairs at all but now find that we are just like all those people in the book. It seems now that things have improved at home all these feelings I had buried to survive are just popping up and my mind just races and I can't sleep or focus. How could I have been so blind and dumb? Just looking for some confindental support in these hard times.

Daisy, it is pretty obvious the affair is still on. I would get a GPS on his car, [get zoombak at Radio Shack] and put spyware on his phone. What kind of phone does he have?

Don't accuse him, but quietly get the goods and come back here. We will help you with next steps.

This will get you no pats on the back here.

fwillie, I am sorry you are here. Please start up a new topic for yourself so you are not buried down here at the bottom of someone else's thread. You will get help that way.

maritalbliss,

(sorry not understanding the quoting feature)

His phone is ALWAYS with him. If he's in the shower, the phone's in the bathroom and he would see me take it. Plus he just got a new phone last month and I haven't even touched it so would need some time to figure it out.

We use the same computer and user login. If I were to change the password, he'd know. If I were to make another user account, he'd know.

But I do sincerely appreciate the ideas.

Daisy .... your thread title.


Are you willing to learn and implement the MB Plans?

Yes or no?

I don't want to pester you with MB theory/plans if your intent is to "suffer in silence" for years to come.

Can you get the phone in the middle of the night?


Thats easy enough. Just install spectorpro or eblaster on it. It will show you everything he does on the computer. You can get it at spectorsoft.com.

If you can't get ahold of his phone, you can put a GPS and VAR on his car.

No it will not. Suffering in silence ONLY ENABLES HIM!!

Time to get the goods and then be prepared to expose...to everyone! And when we mean everyone, we mean his family, your family, OW family. His job, her job, etc.

You are not the fool...he is. But if you want your marriage to end, then you will not get intel and you will not expose this. If you want this marriage to end, you will suffer in silence.

I know, that's why I'm here now and looking for help.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough to go through this, as I sit here and have tears running down my face.

Plus, I honestly do not know if I could even stay married to him if I knew 100% that he has had sexual relations with someone else. (We are each others "firsts")

Please excuse any immaturity in my thoughts. We have been all we've ever had for so long. Neither of us has a shoulder to cry on, that's what we were to each other (until now).