Because it completely negates the whole point of Plan B. Almost EVERY WS objects to using the IM because he doesn't like losing control of you. But when he sees you MEAN IT, he gets on board real quick if he wants to get a message to you!

If you remain in contact via email he will wear you down emotionally and physically. So, it has to be dark, dark, dark, in order to work. He doesn't want to use an IM, then TOUGH.

Oh! Also - this was unexpected for me, so I want to share it.

When you have changed numbers, blocked facebook, changed email, changed locks, pledged to throw away unread anything posted through the door then gone 'ahhhh' and sat down with a well earned cup of tea - guess what happens?

You STOP. You stop waiting for the contact, you stop watching yor phone, you stop waiting for the foggy messages - you relax. Let go.

This is what triggers the real effect of Plan B. This is when the withdrawal of your love bank begins, which, I won't lie is painful for a short period of a few weeks - so take care during this time.

Then everything gets happier and better. Promise.

They all say that!

But he should not KNOW about the IM until you are in contact no longer anyway. Dont mention it to him at all.

p.s. the wayward does not get to set the conditions of your Plan B. YOU set the conditions and he either abides or he doesn't get through.

ITA with EVERYTHING that MM, ML and Indie has stated.

EVERY wayward throws a fit when you say no more contact.

I don't like the idea of him having things at your home until he comes back. Do what MM has suggested, and have your IM send the message through to your WH that his things are there.

They have WIFI in most hotels, so he could buy himself a laptop and use it there. NO need to come into your home. He wants to leave things there so he will have a claim to you, and he will have an excuse to contact you. DON'T BREAK.

Also, when he has visitations with the kids, you don't pack them anything. It is up to HIM to have toys, clothes etc for them.

How are you going to have exchanges?

How are you holding up?

Plan B is your best chance right now, it is also going to be your salvation.

WHOA!!

I believe this would spin hubby's head like an out of control tea-cup ride. Talk about making a statement about who's really in control of her life!

ITA - estrela, your WH does not need to use your house as a home office. Pack up his office crap and put that on the top of the pile.

Thanks you all for the great advice!

Will work on getting him really out so I can really start dark dark plan B.

Take better care of yourself than that. Here:

I've been reading the False Recovery link.
So enlightning. I could see my WH behavior (and mine too for that matter) in many of the stories.
This gave me strenght to do a really good plan B and not be in waiting for WH to change his mind, nor waiting for him to throw me some crumbles.
I will get his stuff together and either find a storage or put everything in the garage so when he's back he will not have any more access to the house. The family home, not his.
I will keep the bar high, really high and not negotiate with him.

Good girl!

The garage isn't far enough away, and not serious enough. Get a storage place, and pay for one month, have the IM tell him where it is, and how long he has in there. After that, his stuff, his problem. Afterall, this is what he wanted.

Will work on that. Why little things can be so hard? I guess it is the fear of the BS to anger WH... which I know makes no sense and that I should get a backbone by now.
Well, met with lawyer today, got info, and basically if we agree on terms, we can get D in 2 or 3 months. Had no idea it was so fast.
Today it was such a rollercoster of emotions. From grief to relief, from anger to sadness...

Oh, estrela I know this is so much for you. Don't think too far ahead right now, okay? Work through tomorrow. And then let the next day happen - and then you'll take care of that day, too. Okay?

estrela, I can actually feel your sadness and anguish through all this, and I feel so bad for what you are having to deal with. I really wish I had some of the wisdom of some on this board to make you feel better and take this pain away, but I'm just little old me.

Just know though, you ARE doing the right thing (and doing it quite well I might add).

There will be brighter days ahead for you, one way or the other. Of this, I can assure you. I'm living proof of that.

Stay strong sweetheart, and take care of YOURSELF.

Although you CAN get a D that quickly, it doesn't mean that you have to. The next time you speak to your attorney, tell him/her that you want to drag out the D. This will give you more time. You can make a more informed decision and do so without the raw emotions you are having right now.

I think that if you look at your feelings more closely, it isn't just about angering your WH, it is also the fear that you will lose him and that this is the end of your marriage. There is NOTHING you can or cannot do to make your WH come around. It all boils down to HIS choices. What you do is show him the reality of the situation, and that is the best thing you can do.

Have you been reading the recent posts by Mortarman? He has been explaining a lot about Plan B, and he said it more eloquently than I. One thing that really stuck out from his posts to GJM was that even if his marriage were to end he had to "earn" his way out. That's the way I understand it too. You need to do EVERYTHING within your power to save your marriage so you have no regrets if it should end in a D.

This is excellent. The birth of a warrior!



You are not alone! Feelings follow actions. Act strong, the feelings will follow.

Estrela, I am so sorry for your pain. You are such a brave trooper!! Please hang in there and know that what you are doing is the best thing for you and your marriage. You win either way, because either your husband changes and comes on board or you will be rid of him if he doesn't change. Either way, you are better off. And if you are in Plan B for a while, you will be in a better place mentally to move on if you have to. hugs to you, brave friend.

p.s. have you exposed the affair to all his family in Israel? Does everyone know about the affair?