Hi everyone - <P>I've been away for a few days now. I cut my hand carving a pumpkin and have stiches in my right hand. Makes it hard to do stuff. It is ok to type now. Sice H is living with OW I had no one here to keep our son or take me to the hospital. Thank goodness for great neighbors!!! Have you ever had to change an 18 month old's diaper with one hand? Don't even try! <P>Anyway, here we go and I'll try to keep it concise:<P>H called Sat night from business trip - OW was not there. <P>H's boss talked to him - boss thinks he knows that H is not living at home and is having trouble at home (DUH) - H got in "trouble" for some stuff in and out of his control. Maybe boss even thinks he is having an affair with "her." She works for my H and H was told to get rid of her.<P>Boss even (couple of weeks ago) offered to help sell our house and get one closer to work to help with commute (good guy). Trying to help H balance career and work.<P>H asked how to fix "us"<P>I told him we have to talk first.<P>H came here first when he flew in yesterday.<P>Spent time with us - stayed the night in the guest room.<P>We talked a little and he is thinking about wanting to come home. Admits he has issues that are far beyond just having OW. Wants me to find him a different counselor. He said that he disliked the one we saw when this all started. He also asked if he could stay here one night a week. It would make it easier on him because of all the driving he does. Ow lives in the city we live out in the burbs and work is inbetween.<P>Basically he said OW did not know he was having second thoughts about leaving us. H said he did not remember why he left us. He misses us. HE said he felt so guilty when he leaves here everytime he visits our son that he can't even give OW a chance. He said he did not know what to do. <P><BR>SO - here is where I need help. I'll agree to find him a couselor (I have always taken care of all that kind of stuff inour relationship anyway). For what reasons do I allow H to come home? Do I allow him to stay here one night a week to make it easier on him? <P>Thanks for all your input. <P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

DHJ,<P>You've got HOPE!!!! Do what feels right to you. Don't rush, but look for the opportunities to bring H home as they arise. This sounds like a big door opening to me!!<P>I'll be pulling for you two...<P>Roll Me Away

DHJ - sounds very hopeful! Just be careful not to do more than you feel comfortable with. I think I might use the counseling to negotiate the terms for his coming back (what both of you need to do the "fix" the marriage). I personally feel very strongly that once you are separated, it is a mistake to let spouse come back unless relationship with OP is over. I don't think things get resolved this way - it just delays the decision-making (yes-the voice of experience).<P>Good luck,<BR>Starpony

I agree w/Starpony...be careful at first. Maybe with a counselor's help, you both can negotiate what the terms will be for him coming home?<P>How wonderful though...sounds like he really misses you!

Hi dhj,<P>Firstly, let me agree with everyone else and say that this is a good sign, the stuff he is saying.<P>Now, down to the nitty gritty -- if you let him come back for one night a week, you are letting yourself in for some more intense emotions. Because you know all the rest of the nights he will be with her. Can you accept that kind of pain? If you can, then it will be an excellent opportunity for you two to become close again. But it's going to be very hard for you to be in that situation without love-busting.<P>I think you have to weight the pros and cons and make the decision based on that: do the pros of having your H back around outweight the cons of him still seeing the OW all the time?<P>good luck,<BR>--andy

Nothing new to say except - whew! this really does sound good.<P>Take it slow, take care of yourself - and expect the roller coaster ride to get a little bumpier for a while.<P>Good going!!<P>Lori

Well, I tried to post earlier and my computer, or the site had problems. I wrote this great post with just all the right answers..Ha Ha.<P>I agree with what most people are saying, but I guess I would not let him come home for one night a week, even if it was only for a shorter commute. I think it would be only to ease his conscience about leaving in the first place. It is like the saying "having his cake and eating it too". If it were me I would definitely say all or nothing. I think if you do just hold out and say no to the one day a week that he will come home for good. If you allow him to have both worlds then he will keep it that way. Who would want to change things when they have the best of both worlds?<P>I just have to mention about seeing the movie "The story of Us". It is so great for all of us going through a tough time in our relationships. I would highly recommend you ask H to go see it with you. My H went with me and he actually cried. I think it touched him and much of it made sense. The ending scene was especially powerful. Bring your tissue. I haven't cried so hard in a long time. There was one scene where they were discussing a talk he had with woman at work about their relationship. It was very tough for me to sit through. We have never held so tightly to each other through anything in a long time. It was very bonding for us both. I think it would be great for the two of you.<P>Good luck, dhj. I feel things will look up for you very soon. He sounds like he is learning he made a very big mistake.

Thanks everyone!<P>I am a little uneasy about him staying here one night a week. He would be in the guest room - he is not allowed in my bed unless the OW is gone for good. I'll have to think about it. <P>I'll start looking for a counselor. He ask today if I found one. <P>Thanks! <P>------------------<BR>d is for dog<BR>h is for hope<BR>j is for joy, pure joy!<P>

I just wanted to throw in my $.02 for what it is worth. It is from another angle completely, but I agree with what others have said here. I am both the betrayed and the betrayer. In my situation the OM moved out and after 5 months, I think he began to miss some of the comforts of home. He told me he was moving home just to prove that his marriage would not work out. He told his wife that he was willing to come home to see what would happen. He would not even committ to wanting the marriage to work. He also said he wanted to prove to his kids that he did try. IMO he was not being honest with us or himself. If his wife had known what he was saying to me, she would have felt foolish for letting him come back home. But I am sure she want him back so much that it was easy to let him come under any circumstances. He wanted to continue the friendship with me, but I was not willing to let him have his cake and eat it too. <P>If I were you I would want to know that he was sincere and that like the others say, the relationship with the OW (yeah, even though I was one ) is over. I would not want him to come back for convience. And before you know it you are in a rut again.<P>Good luck. Just give it thoughtful consideration and I am sure you will know what to do.<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited November 01, 1999).]