I tend to forget conversations and agreements that my wife and I have regarding private topics (finances, future plans, etc.) or things she wants me to do. She likes to keep personal information private (understandibly) and I was raised/trained to be honest to a fault (I feel very guilty when I don�t give people information they are asking for). We may talk and come to an agreement (POJA), then days or weeks later I will be in a situation where someone asks me a question or a stressful situation will arise (I have lots of anxiety) and I will do what we agreed that I wouldn�t do. I either divulge information that is private or want to do something different than what we had agreed. In the face of situations where someone wants me to say or do something contrary to how my wife would like me to respond, I buckle. I succumb to the demand that is �in my face� whether it be my mother asking me about our plans, or not coming home from a church group at a specific time to be with my wife, as I had agreed to previously. My wife feels continuously betrayed (huge withdrawals in my account in her Love Bank). She wants her man to have her needs come first. Instead, I�m a sucker for whatever or whoever is in front of me demanding my time or personal information. I don�t want her to feel abandoned and not protected, but I frequently find myself giving in to people and situations because I feel anxiety unless I �please� them. How can I keep our agreements and her desires in my mind when I�m in these situations where I feel pressure to please others?

STOP IT!

1HG,

My W is a pleaser and will drop me because some hopeless sob story friend of hers "needs" to go to the supermarket. I can tell you that if your W feels like me at those times, it's like being demoted to less than anyone else in her life. I'm not a lonely person either, but when my W does that I feel intensely lonely and remember many of her past sins.

I have gotten my W to tell her friends/family that she has to ask me first which helps immensely, I do the same with her btw, and makes the favors seem like they are coming from us as a couple. It has to be understood by the people receiving these services that they come at a cost to your W and family.

God Bless
Gamma

I disagree. No one has to understand anything. You do not owe anyone anything; including an explanation or information of any kind. Further, telling your mother, family, friends, etc. that you have to check in with your wife can easily backfire. These people will potentially resent your wife and feel negatively towards her. You do not need to hide behind your wife or use her as an out or the "bad cop". Man up, as they say.

I would follow Melody's advice and stop it! It is really not that complicated. You are called to be one flesh with your wife, not your mother or your friends at church. Leave and cleave, my friend.

Take care.

When someone asks me to do something I always say, 'let me check with DH and see what he thinks." [he says the same thing]

Anyone who doesn't respect the fact that we make decisions together is not my problem and frankly, we don't care if they resent it. I can't think of any family member or friend who doesn't respect the fact that we check in with each other before we make decisions. If not, then they are not a friend to our marriage.

Hi, Hopeful, this sounds like a lot of the same problems I've caused in my own marriage.

First, I encourage you to draw a big old line around your marriage with your mother on the outside of the line. I know the Bible says for you to honor your father and mother, but it also says for you to love your wife first and foremost, which means picking her over your mother every time. It also says marriage is honorable among all, so your mother had better honor that. It also says to keep the marital bed undefiled, and let me tell you, your wife does not want your mother inside your marriage!!!

This is something that is entirely in your control.

I have agreed to never talk to my parents without my wife present. It just causes too many problems. Even when I think I know what my wife would want me to do and say, I find that I make plenty of mistakes. Some I should know better, and some I simply don't know how my wife will react, so it is better safe than sorry.

I suggest you only see your parents if your wife is ENTHUSIASTIC about it, and only with your wife present. I suggest you only have phone calls with your parents with your wife on the line listening, even participating. You guys are ONE now, so anything your mother wants to say to you, she can say to your wife.

Second, what is up with you being involved in church groups that your wife is not involved in? I can't even read about "church groups" in my Bible, but I can read about you and your wife being made ONE by God, but that bonding process can't happen if you aren't together. Cancel your participation in church groups that your wife is not enthusiastic about, and start participating in the number one ministry God gave you: caring for your wife. I hate to tell you this, but many church groups are superfluous anyway and aren't accomplishing near as much as people just doing what's in the Bible. Some of them are even so poorly done that they are breeding grounds for AFFAIRS!! Pastors, clergy, ministers, church officials, Bible class teachers, choir members -- none of these people are immune from the temptation to have affairs, and many of them have done it; the rate of infidelity and divorce is the same for Christians as it is for the general population.

Question for you: does your wife feel that you are frequently judgmental toward her, religiously speaking? If so this has got to stop, because it is an instance of you not caring for and protecting her. She may well make totally different religious decisions than you would make, and even if you think that is totally wrong, we've got to teach you how to address it in a respectful way, or your marriage is never going to be what God wants it to be. God puts two minds in a marriage for a reason, and guess what? They rarely think alike! But I promise you God has a reason for this.

The ministry God has assigned you is to be concerned, first and foremost, about how to please your wife. This may prevent you from serving in other ministries, but that is right, and that is God's plan. Cancel religious activities your wife is not enthusiastic about.

1 Corinthians 7:33:

"But he that is married careth for the things that are of the world, how he may please his wife."
http://bible.cc/1_corinthians/7-33.htm

Do not ever please anybody at the expense of your wife.

Your wife comes first, if you are to be pleasing to God.

God would even have you pick your wife over making a sacrifice to Him:

"Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering."

http://bible.cc/matthew/5-23.htm
http://bible.cc/matthew/5-24.htm

Matthew 5:23-24

Don't come back to the altar with your gift to God until your wife agrees you are reconciled, okay?

HopefulGuy, do you have the book "His Needs, Her Needs For Parents"? You guys may not actually be parents, but there is a lot of good material in here that I think may be helpful for you.

If your budget is big enough, I think the book "Love Busters" would also be very helpful for you. But HNHNFP talks specifically about relationships with your inlaws, and how to honor God by putting your wife FIRST.

As a person who used to feel pressured to agree to everything everybody asked me, the POJA was a lifesaver. By being able to tell people "Let me talk to my husband about it first, and I'll get back to you," prevented me from jumping into things that he would not be enthusiastic about.

It is a very real and practical way to "stop it."

I have found that most people don't act like it's weird. Most don't resent Markos. Most just nod and smile and say "OK, let me know."

Those that do resent it are, as Melody said, not a friend to your marriage and not worth your time.

Take a fat rubberband and put it around your wrist.
When you feel that "need to please", pull up that rubberband and snap it against your wrist. Then say "Let me get back to you on that. I will check with my wife what we are doing."
Practice saying it out loud. "Let me get back to you on that."
You need to change your behavior.

They're still in your mind. You just choose to disregard them in favor of being the 'good guy' to your friends. That needs to change.

1Hopeful, if you have always bowed to the whims of other people, you have no idea how empowering it is to stand up straight and tell them that you won't be able to do whatever it is they're asking. Sure, you can tell them that you want to discuss it with your wife - or tell them nothing at all! You owe them no explanation except that you'll be unable to do as they request.

Try this: "I'm sorry. I won't be able to help with the fund raiser this week."

Or: "I'm sorry, but my lovely wife is waiting for me at home, so I'll have to get going now. Possibly next time."

If you feel that you would like to help them: "Let me get right back to you. I've got to check our schedule with my wife."

Repeat as necessary. I think you will be pleasantly surprised to see that this actually works, and that you are feeling much less anxious.

Hisneeds,

I disagree. No one has to understand anything. You do not owe anyone anything;

For me it is more just telling the truth and to some degree a public declaration of my respect for my W. I've chosen to do this and it is not out of fear of my W's anger.

These people will potentially resent your wife and feel negatively towards her. You do not need to hide behind your wife or use her as an out or the "bad cop". Man up, as they say.

Mostly what I get from people is something like "I wish my spouse would do that" or "that's the way marriages should work", I do agree that if you do this in a cowering or servile way it will seem like you are making your spouse out to be a bad cop.

God Bless
Gamma

I agree completely. Saying this shows respect for my husband and indicates that we make decisions as a couple. It took me a while to get used to doing this, but now it comes naturally. And if someone doesn't like it, that is not my concern. My concern is making my husband happy.

For me, it is �that complicated.� These are not people that are fishing for private information or trying to undermine my marriage. They are friends and family asking me to do things that I'd like to do ("can you substitute teach for my Sunday School class this Sunday") or asking me simple questions about future plans ("are you taking that job?") and for whatever reason, I am compelled to oblige; I�m a compulsive pleaser. In the moment the pressure and anxiety I feel to oblige is almost insurmountable. If it were easy for me to just say, �let me check with my W�, I would. That�s the problem. It�s like quitting smoking. In the moment I�m being asked for something, I feel compelled to give the person what they want or I�ll die. My anxiety actually skyrockets when I don�t give people the response they want. It overshadows any memory of discussions I may have had with my W regarding the topic at hand. That�s why I am asking for help.

It is not complicated at all. It is never easy to change bad habits but will you only do things that are easy? If so, then you will never grow or improve in life.

Just make a decision to knock it off. It will be hard at first, but you will adjust. That is how adults behave.


I agree. And 90% of people who smoke eventually quit. Was it easy? No. But they made a decision to quit and they quit.

Ok, then. What are some methods that smokers have used to quit smoking. To simply say, "Oh yeah. It's hard to quit, but it's worth it" doesn't really help the smoker. They need methods: tips and tricks. However, since my compulsion is not as common as smoking, I'm looking to the MB community to see if y'all have any "tips and tricks" for me. GAMMA's wife seems to have overcome her obsessive pleasing. I'd like to hear from her how she learned to defend POJA when feeling compulsed to please others.

I suggest you quit going to these places and talking to these people without your wife. The anxiety from wondering how your wife will react if you don't take her interests into account will overcome the anxiety about how these other people will react.

And you are getting help, from people who have been there. So listen.

I have high anxiety, too. I am also a people pleaser. Yet, I have trained myself to say "Let me check with my husband on that and I'll get back to you." It's second nature now.

I've really, really struggled with POJA, so you're not telling me anything I haven't felt. It's not easy at first. No one said it would be easy. Simple, yes, but not easy.

You may feel anxiety at first. You may even feel controlled. But those feelings will fade the more it becomes a habit.

You are an adult. You can control you. It's not going to kill you to consider your wife's feelings before you act. If you are not willing to provide this basic level of care, you're not worth being married to.

You've been given "tricks and tips" from people who have been there.

1. Train yourself to say "Let me talk to my wife first" before agreeing to anything.
2. Stop going places or talking to people without your wife until you are in the habit.