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Marriage Builders Forums Infidelity Surviving an Affair newbie

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newbie #2587214 01/19/12 10:54 AM
Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3 T twelch Junior Member
twelch Junior Member T Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3	I have read alot of information on this website. Now the questioning is how to actively put it in perspective when he still seems to want to be the same. History: My husband of 11 years has repeatedly cheated or when we would seperate found a new person within a day or two. our past is not the best. i feel we have been very careless with our relationship, being highschool sweathearts. Reading the material i feel i have cheated myself. looking for people to talk with when he was out with friends and drinking. we do have two children they are 12 and 9. This past year we have seperated 3xs. Each time he found women on the internet and facebook or with still current friends. He has embatadsef me more times than i can count with his exsposure to our friends and family with his careless acts of our relationship. with putting this practice in play it would mean moving and finding new friends which he is against. He recently made a comment that baffled me. that i would always take him no matter how many times he cheated or did something wrong. I feel being honest. There is no hope. he still talks to the same friends connectd with his ex girlfriend not to mention the horrible exposured his affair to our children. Even though we were seperated we are still married. i am guilty of talking to people while being seperated but never anymore than that. Not sure of what direction to take. he days he wants to rekindle what we once had but i feel the pain is greater than any rekindling. I need some advice. I wish i would have found this website a long time ago. Twelch

Re: newbie twelch #2587257 01/19/12 12:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2011 Posts: 1,057 G GJM Member
GJM Member G Joined: Sep 2011 Posts: 1,057	Hi Twelch, Sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Please click notify and aske the mods to move your thread to the surviving an affair forum. The vets here will come along and help you. Take care. Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story

Re: newbie twelch #2587285 01/19/12 12:35 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Originally Posted by twelch I have read alot of information on this website. Have you read any of the books? Surviving an Affair is where you should start. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: newbie Pepperband #2587288 01/19/12 12:36 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Originally Posted by Scotland As it is sometimes slow around here at times, like weekends, holidays and such, and it seems that we can get newly BS every day, I thought I would take the time to make a thread that would help the newly BS. Feel free to add to it whatever you need to, as I am sure I will miss some important things. Also, if there is already a thread about this, link it. It is hard to always find links to things without great vets around. Okay. Now for the betrayed spouses, we are sorry that you are here and welcome. There are some important questions that we need answered before we can help you. How old are you? How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? Do you have any children? How old are they? How long have you been married? Is this the first marriage for both of you? How did your WS meet their AP? How long did the A last? How did you find out about the A? Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Have you read it? Now there are some links to some threads, articles and such that you should read BEFORE we can help you fully. These are the links Basic Concepts How to survive Infidelity? Articles Q&A Columns Abbreviations and Acronyms Longhorn's thread for BS Wat's Guideline's General Welcome Notable posts After you have read all of this info, you should try reading others threads as well. You will see some VERY similar stories to your own and the advice will most likely be the same. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. If you fill out your signature line on your profile page with some basic info, we will be able to keep your story straight. Unfortunately, there are A LOT of people on these boards, and some of us don't come on here often. Reading people's siggy's(signature line) may also help you see who has recovered, either personally or maritally. You can click on their name, go to view posts, topics created and go to the first page. You may find their story useful. Many of the things that you see advised to you may seem counter-intuitive. It seemed that way to all of us too, AT FIRST. Also, we posters tend to give some 2x4's to help you out. Don't get discouraged. Listen to the advice. You may need to read your own thread a couple of times. We are here to help. PLEASE MAKE SURE TO STAY ON ONE THREAD. AGAIN, A LOT OF POSTERS. You CAN do this. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: newbie Pepperband #2587341 01/19/12 01:40 PM
Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3 T twelch Junior Member
twelch Junior Member T Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3	We are both 30. Been together since we were 16. Two boys. 12-9 He has had multiple affairs. well depending your definition of affair there is prolly alot more. Reading i have had 1 emotional one. His had been many. They have been one night stands, one last roughly 6 months he exposed it to our children too. its women at stores, bars, friends of friends, highschool old friends, I am embaressed at having to sit down and type all of this. It hurts to know that the possibility of him having another afair is at any point and time throughout a normal day. Omg.. i have never sat down and thought about this. He would have no life if we were to do this support. I am sure even a marriage counsler would say the same. Its an ongoing thing. I want him to be happy, but so do i. its the attention he loves, but honestly i dont want to have to worry every single time he walks out the door if hes going to meet someone. Its just to much for me to handle anymore. Twelch

Re: newbie twelch #2587356 01/19/12 02:19 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Originally Posted by twelch I want him to be happy, but so do i. Here is the difference. You do not "want to be happy" if your doing something will cause your H to be unhappy or to feel pain. Your WH, on the other hand, does not mind causing you pain & unhappiness. He's OK with making you unhappy. What say you? LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: newbie Pepperband #2587364 01/19/12 02:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp P Pepperband Member
Pepperband Member P Joined: Oct 2000 Posts: 35,996 Shrek's Swamp	Take 30 minutes to watch this video. [video:youtube] [/video] Infidelity: What every couple should know. What every MB forum poster should watch. LINK ~~> Carrot/Stick of Plan A LINK ~~> Buyers/Renters/Freeloaders

Re: newbie Pepperband #2587409 01/19/12 03:41 PM
Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3 T twelch Junior Member
twelch Junior Member T Joined: Jan 2012 Posts: 3	Thank you. that was very helpful. i need to read more. Twelch

Re: newbie twelch #2587523 01/19/12 06:48 PM
Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK I indiegirl Member
indiegirl Member I Joined: Jun 2011 Posts: 11,650 UK	Stick around and read some, twelch. I am very sorry for your pain. If you follow the MB plans there will be healing. What would you do if you were not afraid? "Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

Re: newbie indiegirl #2587569 01/19/12 08:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 8,240 Ontario, Canada S Scotland Member
Scotland Member S Joined: Oct 2009 Posts: 8,240 Ontario, Canada	Where are the children? Is there anything legally written out for custody, financials, etc? Read up on Plan A and Plan B. Also, what is it that YOU want? Do you want to try to save your marriage? Welcome BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click here Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM �Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.� ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU

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