NG, I don't think that the OM was a user, I think he was a pusher, and used drugs, smooth talk, false empathy, or any other weapon, to get sexual favors from women. You have to remember that he is a predator, who isn't man enough to get a woman , on his own merits, but preys on the weak, young and in my wife's case, the lonely. I KNOW that in this case, my wife is telling me the truth. You can believe what you want.

NG is talking about how radical honesty from you should not include the OM I think this will have set back the clock to zero in your recovery. Contact always does. (Though I am glad to hear he is somewhere he cant hurt others now and I guess you are too!)

It is prob time to plug up the gaps in NC. Can you make it so neither of you ever hear news of him ever again? Instruct people not to mention is name to you? You dont want to be sitting around in x months or years discussing his being up for parole or whatever, when you should be enjoying your new marriage.

If YOU dont hear about OM, then there is no need for you to honest about your feelings re the news of OM with Mrs MM

I don't see where hearing the OM went to jail is bad in this case.

How many times have we seen an affair restart?

I think this was nothing more then a good reminder of how low the POS OM is.

This news may not stop there being another affair but it should definitly keep this OM away. His WW and BD/betrayed daughters need to be warned how they escaped the bullet on this one.

Its too easy to brush every WS with a broad brush. Precautions are to be taken, for sure.

If the level of contrition is high and forgiveness is being earned and honesty is supreme and only the BS can judge this, then I believe certain things can be discussed under the O&H policy.

In the interest of information, I think telling your WS about how deviant their AP is not a deal killer, or recovery restarter.

If your BS is tenuously returning to the marriage and exhibiting independent behavior and is waffling in all the rest of the MB policies, then, geez, one shouldnt discuss anything about the AP.

After 8 months, in my case at least, my wife can certainly handle news like OM getting thrown in jail. Im hoping for that fiery death, however.

Just my opinion.

I believe that even if precautions are taken and the FWS is demonstrating all the right things, it is a foolish chance to take. It's like playing Russian roulette with your marriage. It may blow the head off your marriage, you might get a ricochette off your head, you might get serious irreparable damage, or you get a click. It may only set you back a few steps, but it's not the point.

I have found that continued contact (for me) is a continued trigger. I prefer to not go through life cocked and ready to fire. It's not a chance I'm willing to take.

In short, isn't it so much better to just err on the side of caution than to take a chance?

CV

Mirror I hope you are not feeling beat up. Are you?

Both sides of this discussion have a great deal of merit.

I *always* rejoice when I hear of the arrest and incarceration of a predator. Not in spite of the victims, but because of them. So I am really GLAD that this OM/perv is locked up.

I don't have a right answer about whether to tell a FWS something like this. Finding out that your barfmate is a sexual deviant currently residing in the hoosegow may, in some cases, be a good thing for a FWS to hear. Perhaps in some cases it would not.

What I know is it got me to thinking. What would OW actually have to do before I mentioned it to AJ? (I do not believe AT ALL that anything to do with the FOP falls under O&H, except perhaps threats of harm.) Requesting me as a contact on LinkedIn certainly didn't qualify. Seriously injured or killed? Nope. Incarcerated? I would really think hard on that one. Moving within 500 miles? Definitely.

I don't have the right answer either.
Having said that, sexual deviants are a danger to society.
They do not get cured, as far as I know.
Knowing who is a sexual deviant can help any one of us protect ourselves and those we love.

I lean towards releasing/revealing/exposing and discussing important and accurate information about sexual deviancy under these circumstances.

I think the danger is this:

- WW thinks 'how could he do such a thing?'
- WW begins searching internet for details of his story thinking 'surely there is some misunderstanding, he couldn't be a child molester or a rapist"

Not at all, PB. Some posters, however , judge my WS conduct by their own WS conduct. We talked about it extensively and she was angry with the OM for harming a child, but, in no way , was she sad that he was in jail. I honestly think she would do him even greater harm than I did, if she ever saw him again. It actually was a kind of closure for us both. Anyway, I got my favorite dinner out of it, and she is happy as a clam, so it's all good in Chicago.