I have recently become friends with a woman who was betrayed three years ago. Throughout her marriage her husband lied to her about everything, his past, his qualifications, his job, even his ancestry for some odd reason. He cheated on her and when she found out she kicked him out and began divorce proceedings. (He even lied to her about the OWs job, saying she owned the chain of hotels she worked as a receptionist at!) They are now divorced and he has a new girlfriend (the relationship with the OW did not last long)

The problem is she is still in love with him and she hates the pain of contact with him through childcare arrangements for her two girls.

I think she would take him back if he offered, and she is also in a lot of pain, even after all this time.

I am tempted to tell her to go into Plan B. However, in many ways Plan B 'protects' the lovebank deposits - and I think she just wants to get over him.

After all this time, is it best for her to let her love bank run down in this way, or is she better off in Plan B?

Also how would she put Plan B into place at this juncture, they are established as divorced, there is no OW to go NC with etc, so how would she phrase any letter?

If she hasn't fallen out of love with him by now, then I don't think continued contact will achieve it either. It will just keep her in distress and cause depression. She will feel much, much better and see an improvement in her judgment if she goes into Plan B.

In her case, I would line up an intermediary and send him a letter saying that from now on all contact needs to come through this person. She doesn't need to explain. Just ask him to respect her wishes. And then she will need to enforce it. At first he will refuse [they all do ] so she will need to stick to her guns and not allow any communication.

She will find herself feeling SOOO much better after a few weeks.

ITA, Plan B him by just getting an IM and going NC.

She'll stop getting her "fixes" of him and he is most likely throwing her crumbs, which is why she still has LB balance.

I really hope that she sees that his continued lying is bad for her, and I hope that if she were ever to consider getting back together with him that she would require a poly, although I think he wouldn't know the truth if it struck him upside the head.

Shouldn't the letter include a provision for contact if he decides he is willing to meet her conditions for reconciling their marriage?

She is not going to reconcile with him. They are divorced.

There is no marriage to reconcile here though. Firstly, they are divorced. Secondly, he seems to be a pathological liar, so it most likely wouldn't be a good idea to reconcile with him anyways.

I kinda feel qualified to chime on this one, so I will.

While my situation was different, it has some similarities as well. My "son" was my stepson, and he was pretty much ripped from my life by my WxW and OM. We kept up contact for as long as I could stand it, but having no control over things because of him not being "mine", I finally had to let go. I did fight, but I was fighting a losing battle because I had no real legal recourse and I didn't have the resources of MB to draw from. (Oh, to know then what I know now)

Now, for me, letting go took on a whole new meaning. We had a lot of mutual friends, and most all of them deplored her and her actions, and supported me. And they were there for me, not her. Almost all abandoned her...for a while anyway.

The thing that held back my healing process the most was that I was constantly in "contact" with her by info passed on by my/her friends. I tried to tell them I didn't want to hear anything about was going on, but I always got the intensly painful (but well intended) update on things on Fantasy Island. This indicated to me that a lot of them had fallen for her sob stories and gotten back in good graces with her, or her with them. Whatever. You don't get all this info without being close to the source.....right?

I finally said screw this. I can't take this crap anymore. I sat down one day and composed an email to all our friends that were privy to all that had been happening. It was tough, but I explained that I would have to break contact with everyone for awhile so that I could begin MY healing process. Explained, that with all the info I was receiving because of our interactions, and the constant triggers of pain because of those interactions, I had to end it for a while. I got a lot of sympathy, apologies, and regrets, and honestly, a LOT of them promising to never discuss anything about her again. Again, whatever. I got tired of being tired, tired of being hurt, tired of being mentally tortured.

LOL...I essentially Plan B'd over 40-50 people in one cannon shot!! And I didn't even know what the hell I was doing. Or, maybe (instinctively), I did.

Guess what I got in return for my actions on this.......

Some well earned PEACE in MY life!!!!! I wasn't hearing all the bullcrap that was going on, I wasn't hearing about her and her "issues" blah blah blah. I did miss hearing about L(SS) but I had to separate sometime, so it might as well be now. This separation hurt like hell for a while, but with each passing day, it got better. And then better some more. And then better some more.

The point I'm trying to make is, that Mel is on point with her advice. Your friend HAS to (MUST) go dark dark dark plan B to save her mental health and sanity. The love bank WILL deplete itself over time. BUt it will not deplete with constant contact and info from outside sources. Trust me on this one. I know.

Sorry for the long reply, but I guess with trying to give my thoughts on your friend's situation, I thought I would kind of ease myself into revealing a little about my own trials and tribulations of the past.

My apologies if this appears to be a t/j

PS- indie, pass along well wishes (and better days to come) to your friend for me. I know exactly with what she is dealing here. I truly do feel for her.

Thanks everyone!

Yes Tigerwes! I SO feel for her too!

One more thing: She never exposed to her daughters as she didnt know about MB and they were under four anyway.

Now they are both old enough should she expose the affair now or not bother? They may wonder why she doenst talk to their dad any more.

There's really no point in "exposing" the affair to them. What would be the purpose? They were too young to remember when it happened, so going off on that would just come off as bitter jealousy. Kids aren't as stupid as most people think they are.

Your friend just needs to go dark (for her own sake and sanity), love her kids, and take care of HERSELF.

Tell her TigerWes said...there WILL be better days without contact. C&P my post to you, print it off and let her read it. She has to go dark indie. She is tearing herself up needlessly.

I'd expose to the children. I would explain it to them in as much of a non-emotional way as possible. You don't want them to fall into the affair trap as a WS, or BS themselves one day. Also, it will help explain Plan B to them. THis way, when both the mom and dad can't be places, they'll know why. The OW isn't around anymore anyways, but there is still a lesson to be learned for the kids. JMVHO

I see where Scotland is coming from here, but I also stand by what I said as well.

After a little further reflection on this I would wait until the kids ASK why mommy and daddy aren't together anymore. It's bound to happen sooner or later, huh? Then you aren't burdened with the fact (or accusation) that you "forced" it upon them just out of spite.

Thoughts?

My 2cents... yep, expose to the kids. Depending on their ages they will already be wondering about the reasons. And Plan B would be very confusing to them without understanding the reasons behind it.

Another 2 cents (does that make it four cents???). Too many BS worry about the telling the truth being seen as spiteful. Even though Indie's friend is divorced, with no marriage to be recovered, I don't view the truth as spite if it is told in an age appropriate way.

Besides, you never know if the kids will ask the wayward the reasons... and be deflected with wayward justifications.