What do I do???

Tell us more.

In particular ....


What ended his first 2 marriages?
What ended your first marriage?
Did you & husband date with either of you still married (not divorced)?

What sort of porn ar you talking about?
Adult mature women?
Very young adult women?
Men?
Underage children?
Weird stuff?

I'm 48, he's 53. We met in '09, I had been divorced over 9 years, he was divorced over 3 so we didn't date while still married to our ex's. My 1st marriage ended because he was a control freak (short version). His 1st ended after his mother in law moved in but he said he did cheat on her. His 2nd ended due to many issues but porn contributed to it.

I found out in 2010 about his addiction. I saw it on his laptop. It's young women, no kids, no men, no weird stuff. He started attending an accountability mens group at church and was doing will until he went to Texas for 2 months for work. When he got back, he confessed to his group but not to me. I didn't know about it until the group leader told me. By then he was in CA for 6 weeks on another job. The group leader backslid himself recently and the group has disbanded. No one else wants to lead I suppose.

I have a ladies Christian support group that still meets weekly.

I know from reading these boards that traveling jobs are a big problem in marriages and they make things ripe for an affair or worse. Unfortunatley, after being out of work for near 3 years, this job is much needed.

I know he needs to get back into a group. That accountability is very much needed and he was doing great while in one. I'm looking at other churches for a group

You need access to his lap top.
Unannounced accountability checks.
Just like a company might have unannounced drug testing.

Sounds like you actually have a lot of savvy and you are using the resources available to you.

I hate porn.
It's so pervasive.

PLH, Welcome. Sorry you are here. Accountability groups have a tendency to go this way and are only as effective as the members are honest. Your best accountability structure is built in.. Your marriage. Pep has great advice here. Unannounced checks work best.

One of the key things I see here is that he is hiding it and you are having to "find it". You and he need to institute a policy of radical openness and honesty to break the addiction to it. It will begin with him being free to tell you when he's struggling before he engages in it, and you being able to help redirect his thoughts and help him be strong.
CV

Look into online accountability program called x3watch.com. It works really well, as you can be administrator but will ask other men friends to be his online accountability partners.
Hope this helps

I don't see anything in the post that validates this as an "addiction". My H looks at porn, sometimes I do too, and sometimes we do it together. Nothing kinky, usually vintage stuff, and it CAN spice up the bedroom.

To the OP - what makes you think it's an addiction? I had a friend who divorced her husband over it. He had tapes hidden under drawers, and all over the house, and it really took over his life completely. That for sure was addiction, and destructive. I would suggest asking him about it and have a discussion about how much he views it, how it makes you feel, etc.

If porn bothers his wife, he needs to stop.
Addiction or not.

If he has sincerely attempted to stop looking at porn , but he cannot stop, porn is likely addictive for him.

It helped contribute to the demise of a previous marriage, and is a contributing factor in this one as well, and he still engages in the act. Sounds like an addiction to me. When it effects your life in a negative way, and you still can't stop, it is addictive.

It is an addiction just like drugs and alchohol. It's just not recognized by many people as such. If it is something he cannot stop then it's addictive.

This last time I knew something was up because his behavior toward me, toward others and just in general changes. I confronted him and he admitted it. This was same behavior he displayed before so I am keen to it.

I asked him why he did this and he said it's comforting (WTH?). He said when he gets depressed (he suffers from depression thanks to the long period of unemployment), he goes there for comfort. My response, "Why don't you crack open the Bible?" He used to read the Bible 2hrs a day, has not since Texas.

I did speak with the wife of the former leader of the accountability group this past Sunday. My husband attended Men's Bible study this past Saturday and spoke with the former leader asking about various internet filter programs and other types of accountability. I didn't know they spoke but from what I was told, it was a good conversation about getting help.

I do conduct unannounced computer checks but can't find anything. Either I've lost my skill at finding things or he just got better at hiding it. I need to re-educate myself.

Thanks for all the help and advice.

If its bothering you .. just slap on a keylogger. It will report every keystroke and page accessed. You will find out for sure whats up with that on the PC.

Is it possible to get keylogger hardware? Something that slips between the keyboard and USB port to which it attaches?

The danger is that it can be seen if he's poking around the back of the computer. The upside is, no software. If such a device isn't around, maybe I need to develop one?

Or a keyboard that has a flash drive built in...

The ideas are endless.

Yup .. there is such a thing .. just get a USB extension and have it appear as though its for the mouse! and tape the keylogger to the end of the extension and under the desk! (making it appear its for the mouse)

desktopshark has a hardware keylogger that you can purchase.

MNG