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Originally Posted by Krazy71
My friend begged me not to contact his wife,

redflag

Krazy, you are making a lot of excuses for your OW friend (meek personality, baggage, he's a "full-on stalker" etc) but she had an affair with a married man and still has contact with him. There is no excuse for her now that she knows he is married.

If she is begging you not to tell the BW, well, that most likely means she doesn't want the affair/contact to completely end.

I have to be honest, I am shocked that you need to be told that this needs to be exposed to this BW? What am I missing here?


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The cold hard facts: she is still allowing him into her life, over and over again, and using you as a soundboard. She is still engaged in an affair and you are rationalizing it by her "meek" nature.

If you really want to help your friend, help her block his phone number with the phone company (she didn't know how?) and assist her at the police station to take out a restraining order against this "stalker" - I suspect you'll find that she hesitates not out of fear but because she's a lot less innocent in this continued contact than she makes out to be.

Have you been a witness to all these so-called one-sided interactions? Were you there when she opened the door to him? Remember, "my husband is dangerous" is a common bluff tactic from wayward wives - but is also a useful tool for the other woman too.

When a dangerous psycho crazy stalker rings your doorbell, you call 911 because he wants to kill you.

When you open the door, chat with him and then complain to a male friend afterwards, you want to get sympathy out of the 'knight with shining armour'.

Last edited by alis; 01/20/12 06:37 AM.
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That may be true. I wasn't clear enough in my original post: When she was dating him, she didn't know he was married. He "had to travel a lot due to his career", etc.

I know it seems stupid. It does to me too...she trusted him blindly. To those us affected by infidelity, not recognizing such a situation seems impossible. When she did finally realize what was going on, she broke it off immediately. He showed up at her door unexpectedly, and she spoke to him for a few minutes in an attempt to get some "whys" answered. It was a futile effort, of course.

I already sent her a link to the county website and the PDF file she needs to file a protection from stalking order. The rest is on her. I'm nobody's knight in shining armor. Not without a healthy salary, anyway. LOL


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I don't get the need to expose if she doesn't want you to. It won't keep it from happening again. She has to want it for herself. I don't see the need to destroy someone's marriage (the wife might already know and chooses to be blind) over this. I'm just trying to think how I would have felt if someone had exposed my ex.


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I doubt I would do a wide exposure, but the BW has a right to know.


Originally Posted by prissanna
I don't get the need to expose if she doesn't want you to. It won't keep it from happening again. She has to want it for herself. I don't see the need to destroy someone's marriage (the wife might already know and chooses to be blind) over this. I'm just trying to think how I would have felt if someone had exposed my ex.

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Originally Posted by prissanna
I don't get the need to expose if she doesn't want you to. It won't keep it from happening again. She has to want it for herself. I don't see the need to destroy someone's marriage (the wife might already know and chooses to be blind) over this. I'm just trying to think how I would have felt if someone had exposed my ex.

I can tell you how you likely would've felt in the long run: Extraordinarily grateful. I wish someone would've told me long before I found out on my own.


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I'm thinking though had I found out like this it would have destroyed me though. And I wouldn't have that precious little boy who has my heart. I'm just weighing it out.


Me (BS): 41
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Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
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Originally Posted by Krazy71
I already sent her a link to the county website and the PDF file she needs to file a protection from stalking order. The rest is on her.

Krazy, are you letting the BW know?


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Originally Posted by prissanna
I don't see the need to destroy someone's marriage (the wife might already know and chooses to be blind) over this. I'm just trying to think how I would have felt if someone had exposed my ex.

The one exposing wouldn't be the one destroying the M. That would lie solely on the shoulders of the WS. And a marriage ISN'T going to thrive something like an affair being kept secret/with the married man still pursuing the OW anyway.

The off chance that the BW "might know but chooses to blind" shouldn't even be a factor in the decision.


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Originally Posted by prissanna
I'm thinking though had I found out like this it would have destroyed me though. And I wouldn't have that precious little boy who has my heart. I'm just weighing it out.

And to further what Susie said, whether or not you would now have your little boy shouldn't be a factor.

The truth should always be told. Those who have knowledge of such a betrayal and keep it silent are complicite in the sin.

What a BS chooses to do with Truth is their business.

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We'll have to agree to disagree. :-)


Me (BS): 41
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Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
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I filed: 9/25/10
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Originally Posted by prissanna
We'll have to agree to disagree. :-)

Well, help me understand prissanna. Before you had your child, if your husband was cheating on you, you would have preferred to not be told because of the future child you would have with this cheater (the child whose existance you don't yet know about)?

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Originally Posted by Krazy71
I've decided...to do nothing, for now. If my help isn't welcome, fine.
I'll bet his wife wouldn't mind a little 'help' right now. cool


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Originally Posted by prissanna
I don't get the need to expose if she doesn't want you to. It won't keep it from happening again. She has to want it for herself. I don't see the need to destroy someone's marriage (the wife might already know and chooses to be blind) over this. I'm just trying to think how I would have felt if someone had exposed my ex.
Maybe, if someone had had the cojones to expose in your sitch, you wouldn't have had to deal with 17 years worth of a "lying, cheating, womanizing emotional abuser."

This topic is near and dear to my heart. The OWH in my sitch didn't have the balls to man up to his wife because he was afraid of her. So he kept his mouth shut about the affair and let it go from an EA to a PA before I ever found out about it. mad

I very much resent someone deciding that they know what is best for me and withholding critical knowledge about my life from me.


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Originally Posted by prissanna
We'll have to agree to disagree. :-)

There is more to it than that actually.

Dr Harley would NEVER agree that keeping the A from a BS is in the best interest of the M or the BS.

Secondly, to suggest that the affair be kept hidden from the BS is going to be offensive, I would gather, to most BSs here on this site [it is to me anyway]. It's the lies & the deception that hurt as much as or more than the actual affair.

Last edited by SusieQ; 01/20/12 03:03 PM.

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Originally Posted by prissanna
We'll have to agree to disagree. :-)

Do you understand Dr Harley's views on exposure and radical honesty regarding infidelity?


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I find this entire discussion fascinating. The premise that there is some reasonable logic that a person not intimately involved in an affair would force themselves intrusively into another family's life that way just astounds me.

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Crushed4X

I think it a bit like watching a crime being committed and not raising an alarm or calling the police.

Would you want someone to warn you that your spouse was sleeping around and exposing you to whatever STDs their affair partner has?

God Bless
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Originally Posted by crushed4x
I find this entire discussion fascinating. The premise that there is some reasonable logic that a person not intimately involved in an affair would force themselves intrusively into another family's life that way just astounds me.

Reasonably logically premise---someone being harmed by someone they trust. That is reason enough for me.

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Gamma/SW...thank you for taking the time to respond to me. We know what we read and the person that wrote it heard it from someone else. It's a story and it's not the writers. Now we may want to assume that what is said is reliable but we are not involved and in the end a story is a story. We have no direct idea what the wife does or does not know nor the validity of what the woman told her friend. Those are just the facts as read. We can believe that what the woman told her friend is accurate but are you ready to counsel someone on a maybe? What if the woman is manipulating her friend. Stories abound on this thread of deception. So, if you want to go down the exposure path, I'd think you'd want to be involved in a definitive way, not guess.

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