I agree with taking out most of the things that were suggested.

Also, why are you not attaching an entire transcript? This would make it less likely to seem like a personal attack.

You could use it, but it would come back as hearsay and not anything usable, but it might paint a picture of who this guy is. Then again, he won't get sympathy from his community because they've done the same things he has.

Thanks so much for the feedback! And sorry for not editing this so as to remove names. I'm a newbie and keep screwing up that way.
I'm so glad you all have helped me be in my power for the past three days.

The no-contact order is in place. Spoke to OM's CO at Ft Hood this afternoon.

Its a bandaid, and may just goad my WW on to the next sexy bundle of nerves, but at least she'll think twice about bringing a complete psycho into my life.

And I felt exactly the same way about OM's stories re Iraq. That was a bunch of crap.

Thanks so much!
Now for the next part...

Every time my WW turned to another guy, I interfered and made it difficult for her to communicate with OM. She said that I would do anything to get what I want and if I can't have her, no one can. Don't listen to it, it's fog babble.

Ascending,

Funny thing is the stories might not be BS, it's just they are not actually OMs stories, but the ones he heard from other soldiers. I've notice that with conmen sometimes steal stories from person A and tell them to person B two days later.

God Bless
Gamma

You are a rockstar!!

This is exactly why I made a point of questioning the deletion of that paragraph. May not help, but couldn't hurt, and it does plant serious seeds of doubt when it filters down the chain of command.


Don't worry about it. We all know you're in the middle of an emotional hurricane right now. Remember...we've been there done that!


BOOM!!! Soldier, this is great news!!!!!!! (you have earned the moniker soldier) Some more details about how this came about would be great though. You know, inquiring minds and all.



I'm just sorry for you that the only person that couldn't see through his [censored] was the one person that you deeply love and fell for his game.

I think it was Old War Horse that said something to the effect that YOU will come out being her hero in all this for rescuing her from this serial predator. You have a tough road ahead of you for recovery, but a mighty rewarding one if you want it.

Uhhh, one thing you haven't written about too much, just where is your wife during all this and what is she saying and doing?? If I missed it then my apologies.


Now Mortarman, is it time to supply his MIL with all this information?

Yep, he certainly is!

Again, nicely done soldier!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WW is now in FL. Visiting an old friend of hers. She says there is no chance of her seeing OM.

I told her about the no-contact order, she hung up on me.

The no contact order turned out to be easier to obtain than I thought. All I had to do was tell the story to the correct IG over the phone. CO was immediately contacted and called me. I told him the story and he said it was done. I could go further a press charges on adultery and threatening me, but I don't know if I really want to screw with OM's life in that way.

I know many WW's come back after the withdrawal stage, but I have my doubts about mine coming back. She's bullheaded and independent as hell. Been telling friends of mine about how over our marriage she is for 2 months now. Some of them came over tonight and told me I should just let go.

Some other friends took me out to a bar later. Happened to be the bar where me and my wife met. Had a breakdown, with lots of love and support that I'm very grateful for.

Now I'm feeling a bit lost. I don't think my WW is going to do well with the whole MB system. She'll probably find it too stifling and controlling. She used to be a striper, a lingerie model and even ran a strip joint. Not sure she'll go for the carefully controlled sexuality of the MB system. I guess We'll see though.

WW says she's moving out when she comes back home. Worried about her getting super depressed during withdrawal. She is volatile. Won't take any meds. But she does have some powerful natural healing/nutrition practices.

Anyways, thanks so much for your support fellas! I'm now going to buy the book and start educating myself.

Don't think for a second that the POSOM cares that he helped destroy your marriage. He knew he was wrong. Seek justice and let it play out the way it should. If you do nothing, he may just come back to your WW. It doesn't matter how you think she may act. You keep working the plan. She will come around one day. It may not be when you want or how you want, but stay on the mission and do what's right. Protect your self and your son. Find a way to make your self happy. Your W loved you once, find out what she loved about you and be that guy. Don't give up. It's too early.

Sorry I bailed yesterday. I failed to heed the moderator's notice and wound up locked out of MB.

Great news on the NC order. That's probably going to be the end for WW and Angelo.

In your 1:03 AM, I note you're already thinking ahead. Yes, it's hard, but it's good.

Ascending, you can only control yourself. Your wife may not come back, but don't give up yet. Having the comparison of Angelo in her life has much more of an impact than probably either of you realize. Only last week, my wife finally acknowledged that most of our marital problems that cropped up were a direct result of the relationship she started with OM.

It was amazing how quickly the air cleared in our marriage once she scraped the sh*t off her shoe.

No need to feel lost. Here's where the real beauty and strength of the MB program comes into play: read, read, read. Put together a plan using the MB principles.

From here, I'll let the real MB vets take over with detailed guidance in developing and carrying out your personalized MB plan. Meanwhile, read up, and prepare to implement the remainder of the plan with as much gusto as you did in running off Angelo. Don't give up on your marriage yet if you're not ready.

There are no guarantees in saving your marriage, but I would venture to guarantee that, with or without your wife, you'll come out on the other side of this as a better, stronger man if you adopt MB.

Man, I admire your salt!

Uh, yeah, right about the time she first ran into POSOM. Coincidence?? Me kinda thinks not.

It's way too early in the fight for you to be thinking and worrying about these things. What ifs don't do you any good right now. She still has to process all this and get through withdrawal, and it's your job to be there for her. Don't call it quits yet and quit making assumptions on how she's gonna react to all this. Control what you can control..your actions and reactions. I think you may be quite surprised at her reaction when this fog she's engulfed in clears out.

And I agree with OWH, this POS needs to feel the full brunt of the consequences of his actions. This guy is a sexual predator...he's not a "garden variety" OM. Keep pushing, and brig this [censored] down before he goes and wrecks the life of another unsuspecting victim.

I got very upset reading your thread as i thought i knew your OM. I thought he was the POS that almost ruined my M with my wife. You slipped on one of your posts and put his rank so its not him whew!

Your OM says the exact same things to you that mine did to me. Same exact taunts.

Ft hood is rougly in my area, and i know a few ppl who work there, ill help if i ever get the chance

Oh and his last name was next to his rank.

OK, I'm ready to start developing a plan. But what do I do given the following:

I know my WW will see much of the MB language as too controlling and the concepts as "hokey". For example, the notion of "love units" will seem mechanistic.

Dr Harley's advice, in one of the videos I saw was to avoid people you're sexually stimulated by. This will seem like death to my WW, who is highly sexual and stimulated by all kinds of people. Her whole family is highly sexual, with even her 82 year old grandmother producing a palpable sexual energy around herself.

How much do I need to "let go" of her before I can let her back in?

ascending, one of the first things you would do is present her with a plan to recover your marriage. Getting her sexual needs fulfilled outside of marriage is inappropriate and dangerous to marriage. If she is getting sexually stimulated by other people outside of her marriage, then the solution is to avoid those people and situations.

These steps are designed to affair proof your marriage and create a happy, romantic marriage. It is not something she HAS to do, but something she should do *IF* she wants a happy, safe marriage. And if you want the same thing, this is what you should do. If you don't do these things, it is very likely you will end up back here in a couple of years with a repeat affair.

Recovering your marriage is VOLUNTARY in America. She does not have to choose to recover your marriage and you do not have to choose to stay in a marriage with a spouse who is dangerous.

What I would do is present this to her and she can either accept or reject it. But she does not get to set the conditions of her return. Only you get to do that. And if you don't set the standards very high, you won't have a marriage anyway. You have nothing to lose.

If you get to this place, set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

Here's the deal breaker:
"4. no more opposite sex friendships"
My wife has several very close male friends, one of whom is a previous partner. She will never agree to end contact with them, and I wouldn't demand that. I do trust her in these relationships. The old partner is practically dead anyways. None of the male relationships involve sexual attraction.

"2. no more nights apart or going out without each other." Her job, which she loves, requires travel. My job occasionally requires travel. Also, I want her to go out with her female friends. After 8 years of marriage she is finally developing some good female friendships, which is something I have long encouraged her to do. Why can't she do this?

You have already lowered the bar by refusing to consider these very important safeguards to your marriage. And I am extremely concerned that you trust her in having 'relationships' with members of the opposite sex. ESPECIALLY considering that one of them is a previous partner of hers.

I agree it should be a deal breaker. Opposite sex friendships are how affairs start. NO ONE should ever be trusted to have opposite sex friendships. And again, you don't demand, you simply tell her your boundaries. Almost every affair on this forum began as an opposite sex friendship. They are dangerous to marriages.


Your wife just had an affair while traveling so I am astonished you would say this. Being apart over night is an invitation to an affair. You already know this because it happened to you. Affairs and divorce are EPIDEMIC in traveling jobs. Her female friendships should complement the marriage and not interfere with your leisure time with her. Your marriage is what is important, not her female friendships. The marriage comes first. We have lots and lots of people who come here with traveling jobs. They change their jobs.

And again, she can do what she wants. You can do what you want. I am just telling you what it takes to affair proof your marriage and create a happy, romantic marriage. The people who don't follow these steps are usually back here with repeat affairs.

Check this out:

here

here