Just curious. I can't wrap my mind around long term Plan B'ing...I know Dr. Harley suggest it for up to 2 years to protect the BS and to protect the remaining love they have for their wayward in case wayward ever wants to recover.

So I got to thinking...about the long term Plan B'ers...and wondered IF their wayward wanted to come back say after a year or two or more...would the BS want them back? Does the wayward very often want to come back?

How does this help board members here?

I am a board member. I was asking to help me understand. Feel free to get it deleted it you want Mel.

Lemme see if I have this straight. We are here in the trauma ward trying to help people survive the most devastating event of their life and you want to satisfy your curiosity?

Are you planning on going into Plan B yourself? If not, I don't understand how this helps board members on this board.

If I was seeking treatment in a trauma ward I'd like to have an idea of the success rate of suggested treatment. Or if I was giving treatment I'd like to know. And since I like to help here when I can, I was mulling this concept over and it got me to wondering about it.

Then read up on it yourself and stop disrupting the board for God's sake.

Of course no one will dare to discuss it now that you've shut me down.

Disrupting? Good grief. Why are you being so hostile to me?

The "success rate" is 100% since the GOAL is to protect the BS from the WS. It is not intended to save a marriage and has never been presented as such.

And since you are not "seeking treatment" in a trauma ward this is a distraction from serious problems here. We have to stop what we are doing to explain a very basic concept to you?

WHY?

Because this is the trauma ward where we are trying to help others in crisis and you are asking us to stop everything to answer a question for the sole reason of satisfying your idle curiosity.

You want to understand Plan B? Then go read the book.

Are you wondering if Plan B would have saved your first marriage?

There is just no way to know. Not by other people's results for sure.

It is like the lottery in that way. You decide if you are going to play and the reason is that the only way to win is to put your money down and buy a ticket.

Okay, look SW. It's not about Mel being hostile. You pose a valid question, and it's worthy of serious and (hopefully) productive discussion. Your post would be better suited in the MB101 forum. There are plenty of people around in different forums that would LOVE to talk about things like this with you. I'm sure they would welcome your input/insight, as well as you would their's.

Mel's not trying to be mean to you, she's just being real, VERY real okay??

This board IS an emotional trauma ward. That's just the way it is! It sux, but that's life.

I hope you take no offense to my interpretations of Mel's motives here.

I have an idea! When you have been here for several years and are curious about a concept, how about reading the book? Or perhaps even an ARTICLE?

See, I don't mind guiding along a newcomer, but I do mind very much being asked to EDUCATE someone who has been here for years and should know better, but hasn't bothered to read an article. Who takes time out from others in REAL NEED to ask us to stop and satisfy her idle curiosity.

It is not my job to educate those who won't do it themselves. And it sure isn't my job to drop everything on the trauma ward to do so.

/bloodpressure off - over and out!

Being a long term Plan Ber isn't necessarily about having the hope to save a marriage. There are many reasons why some long term Plan Bers choose to remain married. In my case, there is a HUGE financial advantage to not getting divorced yet, and since I don't plan on dating anytime soon, I don't see the need to get a divorce. There is no separation agreement, and my WH abides by what I asked for in my Plan B letter. If that were to change, then I know what I need to do to protect myself and my children.

While it is not something that you yourself would do, you shouldn't question when others choose that way to go. See, it's THEIR lives, and as long as they are abiding by what the Plan B requests, NC with WS, living your life for YOU, etc, then why bother them?

Dr Harley states, that the succes rate of plan B (in bringing the spouses back together) is much less than plan A.
Of course plan B is not only designed to save the marriage, but also to protect the BS of an excruciating experience, namely, trying to win back the WS and being rejected over and over again and having to experience the WS being 'in love' with someone else.

Allthough I have not scientifically studied this, I would assume that In the first couple of months of plan B, there is a fair chance the WS comes back, but the longer it takes, the smaller the chance of reconciliation.

As you have stated, SW, a BS will have time to come to rest during plan B and by seeing the situation more objectively, may come to the conclusion that living alone is better than living with the WS. Depending on the individual situation, (children, duration of marriage, etc).

Allthough plan B has somewhat smaller reconciliation chances than plan A, the advantages are obvious:

- it preserves the dignity of the BS
- it gives the BS a clear advantage in negotiating the
conditions for reconciliation
- detaches the BS from the WS madness, so the WS cannot hurt the
BS as easily

What are the alternatives to plan B for BS who want to reconcile?
* plan A indefinitely? (not feasible)
* ride the affair out? (no consequenses for the WS -> next
affair is likely)
* ignore the affair (degrading for the BS, detrimental for the
children)
* have an affair him/herself? (does not help marriage, destroys
self-esteem of BS)
* stay and have a fit? (does not help, might as well divorce on the spot)
* ????

Plan B is a viable concept with a chance of reconciliation.
To be honest, I imagine the chances of succes at the end of the two years for spouses who are still in an active affair and not showing any signs of fallout seem very slim.

Well Dr. Harley may have the real data.


Happyheart

SmilingWoman,

you have an interesting point here. I am sure this question runs through many ppls heads here on MB forum.

You should be able to ask questions here. no one should say whats important and what is not? If one doesnt wanna "waste time" simply dont reply. simple.

should not be a power trip thing. i was reading this thread and i felt a little of that here. which made me a little sad bc i thought MB was christian based.

The time some ppl take to "put you in check" they can just try to help by answering IF they may know or have the answer..or simply not.

Crisis is crisis. this may be your crisis?

I wish i had an answer for your question, bc it really is a good question.

The good news here is, there are really great, wise, compassionate ppl here!!

Dont give up and stop asking your questions, thats what this thread is all about after all isnt it?

happyheart,
thank you for posting the above info!

I just had my "aha" moment.
I read pretty most that is suggested here on MB. but going through the pain and taking care of the children etc etc.. i feel like a zoombie due to lack of sleep, restless mind.....the list goes on and on!

thank you for asking the question Smiling women and thank you for sharing the post happy heart!
God bless you both!

Thats a pretty easy q, you just apply the love bank concept.

If the BS is still 'in' Plan B, i.e. they are not divorced/not dating/remarried etc, and agreed to see the WS, the BS would still have an intact lovebank, just as they did when together.

Everyone we have ever been in love with has a love bank with us, (thats why you should not ever see any exes when married) but no contact over time 'freezes' the love bank, making it inactive. However seeing the WS again, especially if their actions were repentent and loving, would reactivate that love bank.



The odds of that are impossible to judge because it is all down to the wayward concerned in each case. Plan B simply shows them what life is like without their marriage and family. If they want to do without it, they will. If not, they wont.

While two people are meeting their needs, the wayward mistakenly attributes their full love bank to the OP. But when the BS takes their needs meeting skills away, it is more likely that the WS will see how inadequate the OP is and realise they were viewing them through fog goggles.

However a serial cheat for example may discover an 'open' marriage with his OW is more fun. However there are other types who miss the genuine relationship and mourn it. Then the 'prodigal son' response is activated. If they are capable of being humble and repentent, they will come home ready to do anything to get what back what they threw away.



The success rate of plan B is 100 per cent when done correctly. I came here bleeding and on the floor. I was disorientated and incapable of making smart decisions. I did not sleep. I did not eat. I felt I could not see any way of stopping the attack on myself, much less healing the multiple wounds.

Now I sleep, I eat, I laugh. I am happy. My life, career, friends, social life has been overhauled to better suit me. My love bank is frozen and my WHs absence does not hurt me. I know I have a romantic future that is 100 times brighter than when I was with an active wayward, putting up with it.

MB stopped the attack
They cleaned the wound, sewed it up and allowed it to heal
They held my hand and told me it would be ok.
They are right. My plan B is - today - a success.

And to beat it all they have made it so I will never be attacked again. My bar for recovery has gotten higher every day in Plan B as I have gotten stronger, so that it is now impossible for me to have a false recovery.

If my WH has it in him to realise he has lost the best thing that ever happened to him, I will listen, I will see how serious he is about recovery.

If not, I will find a husband who can get on board with MB principles and enjoy my life just the same, if not better.

Sorry, but board members should not have to take time to satisfy the idle curiosity of a long time board member who can't be bothered to pick up a book herself. Its not like this is even a question about HER OWN marriage. I don't mind helping people in need, but I will be damned if I have to drop what I am doing to help someone who needs nothing - has been here for years - but is too lazy to read simple basic concepts.

Please note this thread was moved FROM the SAA forum, probably because it is just a rhetorical question.

It would be like wandering into the trauma ward of the ER and demanding that someone answer a rhetorical - and loaded - question "do statin drugs really decrease heart disease risk?" And expecting the health personnel to drop what they are doing and produce the research on statin drugs. [which can easily be found with a minimum of effort on her own]


Yes, it is Christian based. But that has nothing to do with this issue.