Baby steps. If she likes the book I'll show her the boards. She has my login info and stuff so she can see what I'm typing.

My friend called, they're offering me a job tonight. I like the people there, it's a big happy family. I hope I get it, sitting around is making me anty.

I appreciate the good vibes I have gotten. I really thought I was going to get nailed to a cross when I came out as a WH.

People who work truly on recovery always find support, it is the fakers that lose out!

All is going ok. This weekend we spent most of our time together. Our daughter had a sleepover, so we spent the night cooking and talking, just like we used to do. We both felt good about the time. I had no other thoughts than her the entire weekend. Still a lot of work ahead but I feel better.

I also have a job starting next Monday.

Did you guys sign up for the program or reading any of the books?

PL,

Just curious, what was the catalyst that made you see "the error of your ways" and decide to recommit to your M? I understand if you prefer not to answer.

Well (IMHO), he needs to answer this, and also seriously address what contributed to the launch of this adultery. Anything less is sweeping it under the rug, and that is not a healthy path to recovery. I've read a LOT on here the last 6 months, and someone posted something that has really stuck with me. I wish I could give credit for the insight, but I really can't remember where I read it. Please speak up if you recognize your wise words. That being said....

You can't go around this. You can't go under it. You can't go over it. The both of you have to go THROUGH this together.

PL, you can't allow your wife to just sweep this under the rug. I get a sense that your wife is trying to do just that, just to save herself from facing the pain that you have caused. She is scared. She is hurt. She is betrayed. And she has NO idea what to do. In her position, the natural thing to do is just "pretend" it didn't happen.

Well, it happened. It's now your job to show her it's okay to NOT trust you right now. It's okay for her to be MAD at you. It's okay for her to have VILE thoughts about what you did. In order for you guys to truly recover, IMO, she needs to understand this...as do you. It's now your job to guide her (and yourself) to a true path of recovery and making your marriage better than you ever thought possible, and the people on this board can help the both of you.

Get your DW on board. She won't regret it. Let me ask you this...

Have you?

A lot saw me to see the error of my ways. OW once talked about her father and what a great man he was. He stood by his wife through thick or thin and was a great family man. He did what he could to provide for them regardless of what it took. If it was buy himself shoes or buy shoes for the kids, the kids got shoes and he did with what he had. OW often compared me to him because of how well I took care of people. I was the protector. If someone needed something, I was there to help. I still do that. Sadly I'll never be that great man. I don't have any role models in my family, both of my grandfathers died when I was young and my father died in Vietnam.

As things started to fall apart I read some posts on here. One person's signature said something about a man who commits adultery isn't a prince at all. OW made me feel like a prince...but that post, those words, made me feel less of a man.

Then there were the "innocent" victims. I knew OW had a hubby. I never heard too much about him and OW never heard too much about my wife. Once I was googling something and came across his name and bio. I started to read it and it made me feel sick. I didn't know this guy but he looked like someone I'd get along with. I started to wonder what I'd feel like if my wife was having an affair on me and I felt even worse.

All isn't well. We've started to read the book and the wife has started to read these boards. I've asked her to create an account and post, maybe let me know her name. She knows mine.

What pleasure I got out of my affair I could have gotten from home if I had tried and given her a chance first. I sit here and wonder what I missed by spending so much emotional time with OW.

You can ask me more if you want to, I think you can PM me if you have stuff that you don't want to post.

Yes, I bought HNHN. Trying to read it between reading books for school. I'm considering a program later.

PL,
I'm right there with you. I am the WW. I, too, often wonder why I didn't just open my mouth and say something to my husband. So many people encouraged me too.
I didn't listen.
I have been feeling so much remorse lately. I feel so sick to my stomach over what I did. 3 years.......I betrayed my husband.
How he can continue to try to make it work with me is beyond me but I am SO thankful!
Congrats on your new job! You are doing great!
CT

CT: Maybe they saw something in us that made them want to keep us around. I have no idea. I feel changes happening though. I'm starting to appreciate her more. I think she's doing the same.

One change I have made, and this is everywhere in my life - speaking up for myself. I made a mistake yesterday, I said "hey, that was me, sorry". I had 3 people tell me thanks for admitting it. When the wife does something that annoys me I'll tell her right then and there if I'm able to.

Life goes on.

(even though I sleep on my back with one eye open)

This is good. People can relate to and appreciate people that are willing to admit that they were wrong and apologize for it. This will gain you more respect than you will ever realize.

Okay, I could be wrong here, (and believe me the vets will let me know if I am) but if it were me I would be VERY careful about doing this too often at this stage of the game. She is still shattered and fragile right now. Frankly, she's crushed. YOU have a lot of just compensation to administer, and I wouldn't be doing too much of this and be very careful just how you do it.

because....

Do you still want to keep your eyes in their current location?

Yeah, admitting to something vs saying "problem resolved" - that felt good and I got a nice reaction from people. As you can see I'm trying new things.

I'm not correcting her too often but only when I feel I have to. She spends a lot of time focusing on events that happened in the past. Today she went off about an old boss, one she worked for in 2002. It's been 10 years, it's time to kick that anger to the curb. This I need to bring up with my therapist.

Joking about the one eye open sleeping. I've not slept so well in years. We go to bed, talk/read/whatever, then I hug her and we drift off. I feel happy. I know it's only been a few weeks but things seem to be moving towards normalacy.

On that note, I've been up since 3am and I need to go to bed. I really appreciate the positive feedback from you folks. It means a lot.

Big difference between being the "big" man and a real man. Kind of liberating, huh? Pretty obvious your ego needs some serious fine tuning. But you're off to a good start.
You guys need to call in to the Harley's, and now. If you can afford a therapist, you can afford a true marriage coach.. okay? The good thing about it is that you'll get way more help and useful info on how to truly recover your marriage in less time than you will ever receive from a "marriage counselor". You'll save money (long term) and have a healthier and prosperous union. Sound good so far?

Get some rest, and stick around here...you won't regret it.

You really should encourage your wife to join the forum. There are a LOT of well intentioned people here that dedicate a tremendous amount of their personal time to help causes like yours, with no more to gain from it than the personal satisfaction that they played a little part in making a difference in someone's life.

These are people worth knowing...and they can, and want to, help.

Let them

Yes it does.

We see the MC next Thursday. I'm excited about it, she seems to be on the fence.

I am wondering why she's so upset. I asked her about it, she said she had no answer. Then said "I don't want to talk about it". I'll leave it at that. I asked about her joining the forum, no word. I'll ask when I arrive home tonight.

Car hasn't sold yet. There are no memories tied to it so I'm keeping it.

Bad bad week.

This morning I was at work when my new boss called me into his office. I asked him what was up. He said "the husband of the woman you had an affair with called me". I said "uh, ok, why?" "He wants me to fire you." I told him that they knew I had an affair and had left a job because of it. The guy told him that he'd appear at will cause disruptions if I'm not terminated immediately. I told my boss that we (OW and I) not to have any more contact and my NC letter to her covered him too (it was addressed to both), I even showed him a copy of the letter.

I have no idea how to handle this. I'd hate to get the law involved. Maybe if he does cause a scene I'll roll out to where he works and let staff know that he is a cuckold.

I think you can get a restraining order against the poor guy.

He must be going through hell but you are trying to move onward and away from the mess you made and fix your own family.

Uh, what?? Don't you think you've degraded and defiled yourself enough? I've been in your corner completely throughout this mess that YOU created, but that is a disgusting comment. What has he done to you that even comes CLOSE to comparing what YOU have done to him and his marriage??

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

Welcome to equal and opposite

So you let it be.

If the guy wants to try to dog you around from job to job, so be it. Chances are that once he sees that you aren't in contact with his wife anymore, he'll get tired of that. If he causes disruptions, then it's up to your new boss to figure out how to handle it. Sure, it's possible that your boss could decide you're more trouble than you're worth and tell you he has to let you go. Or, it's possible that you could just bust your butt & prove to him him that you're worth keeping around. But either way, it's not your choice; you gave up that choice when you chose to have an affair. You already made that choice. Let your new boss call Security if there's trouble. Call the law if you're physically threatened. Otherwise, eyes forward on the job & get back to being the best worker you can be while you're there.

I am hereby officially nominating this comment for the existing thread on "Stupidest Things to Come Out of a Wayward's Piehole." If you're still thinking that way, then you need to come down a peg, pal. You need to find humility. Or it'll find you.

Remember, when you chose the affair, you chose consequences. Just like I did. You didn't know what they'd be, and maybe you didn't even give 'em a moment's thought at the time, but you chose 'em just the same. So own that choice. You earned what you're getting. Be grateful that the guy hasn't ambushed you and smashed your kneecaps, or shot you in the neck. (I used to be nervous backing out of my garage on the way to work in the morning, because I had it in the back of my mind that the husband of my other woman would be waiting for me with a pistol and a slug to plant between my C5 and C6 vertebrae. Sucks, doesn't it?) Tough ****, buddy! That's a possible consequence that we chose, when we chose not only to cheat on our wives, but to cheat with someone else's. I'll bet it also sucks to have your wife take up with another man.

So have some perspective. Quit feeling sorry for yourself, 'cuz no one else will, nor should they. You dug the hole you're in. The only way to dig out of it is, from this day forward, you start being the most honorable person you can be. That's what you can control. (Even if you were half-joking in frustration, your remark about showing up at the other guy's workplace and branding him a cuckold is so far from honorable that I don't even know how to describe it. On your first post here, you spoke of taking the "high road." Where'd that go?) Spend a couple minutes being deeply ashamed of thinking this way, and then spend the rest of the day (week/month/etc.) being a person who deserves better. Maybe your wife will notice the positive change, if you keep at it over time.

I am sorry I even posted that. I was pretty upset. Very upset. I should edit it out but I won't.

When I wrote my NC letter I apologized to him. I also asked that they not contact me for anything at all. Nada. I have no idea how he found my place of employment, I didn't tell anyone at my other job. When I disclosed more of my people know about it than hers. I am just trying to think of why, this far after it was over, he is coming after me.

The past few week have been miserable. Dr put me on some drugs and they've not kicked in yet. A death in the family that is hard to understand of someone I adored isn't helping. I'm pretty angry.

At home things are ok, better than they have been in years. Lots of UA time, more than I thought was possible. Things that I thought I'd hate doing aren't so bad, as they're time together. The wife's criticalness of me has dropped a lot, too. We all eat at the same table, which we've not done in a while.

Later today I'm going to talk to the cop that provides are security to see what he said about a restraining order. I think here all I have to do is go pay a fee and they'll write it up. I wish I could talk to the guy and let him go off on me just once to get it out of his system.

I am sorry dear, but you are dealing with the CONSEQUENCES of your affair. These are things that are going to happen to you, and you should learn how to deal with them without your foggy wayward brain.

AS unfortunate and devastating as losing your job may be, it is a part of what YOU did. Don't you DARE blame OWBH if you lose your job.

Right now, he blames YOU for the affair, and he wants to see YOU pay in hopes that it will bring him some peace. Let it be.