Here is a link to my previous thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2581539#Post2581539

I began Plan A at the beginning of January. I have done my darnedest to meet all his emotional needs. I wrote him a love letter, gave him lots of positive affirmation, etc. He has softened a bit towards me, but he has also begun picking fights. He emotionally manipulates me into apologizing and taking the blame for his mistakes. If I don't allow myself to be manipulated, he throws a huge fit.

We had a big fight last week--I know, fighting does not meet anyone's emotional needs! But he treated me like dirt, again, and when I calmly, respectfully stood up to him he started the manipulation. When I refused to be manipulated, he turned it around and made it all my fault. Finally I broke and apologized just so he would stop yelling at me.

Since then, he has been making a very marginal effort to meet my needs. Things like coming home at 11pm instead of midnight. I have snooped and found no evidence of infidelity.

I am ready to Plan B at the end of this week. I just don't know what to say. Yes, he has made an effort. But his effort has taken my love bank balance from -100 to -95. He has a hell of a way to go before my bank balance is even neutral, much less positive. His new favorite phrase is "What am I doing that's so wrong?" because he just doesn't understand how his actions and words hurt me.

We have done the EN and LB questionnaires. He started to read the Basic Concepts but refuses to read anymore. He thinks the 15+ hours of UA is ridiculous and unattainable.

So, 2 questions. Am I right in thinking that it's time for Plan B? And how do I explain it to him--what do I say?

Also--I guess a 3rd question. I have kept a journal of sorts of my Plan A, detailing my efforts and his responses, and recording the things he's done to hurt me. Would it be a good or bad idea to give him my journal to show him how he's lovebusting me?

mm, you do understand that plan B means a SEPARATION, right? Do you have a place to move to? And are you prepared to be separated for up to 2 years?

I would go the notable posts forum and find "How to Plan B properly." You would move out first and THEN send him a Plan B letter. The letter would describe for him what it will take to get you back.

I will post a sample when I get to my other computer. But in the meantime, you would just explain that you are very unhappy and are going to move out. Then move out.

Yes, I understand that. Because we have a 2-year-old and I own our house in my name only, I want him to move out. Which will only make things more difficult, I'm afraid. But on the main site (I can't remember where, exactly) it said that if you have small children, you should make the spouse move out. So I guess what I'm asking is, how do I convince him to leave.

I will go find the "How to Plan B Properly" thread. Thanks.

Here is the Plan B link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

I would ask him to move out. Tell him you are very unhappy and ask him to move. You may have to file separation/divorce to get him out, but usually they will leave if you ask a few times.

So...just say "I'm very unhappy with our marriage and I want you to move out"? No explanations? Do I give him the letter when he leaves, or wait a few days for him to calm down?

I would wait until he moves out and THEN give him the letter. Because the letter is cutting off contact, so you need to be in a position to enforce no contact after he gets the letter. I would get him out, change your locks and then send him the letter.

And you would give him an explanation. Tell him about the things that have made you so unhappy.

When you gave him the Plan A letter did you explain to him what he was doing that was making you unhappy? Have you told him EXACTLY what it is that makes you unhappy and given him a chance to change it?

In the letter, I focused on telling him what I love about him. I tried talking about him making me unhappy separately. He argues every single point I made and finds some way to excuse his behavior. I have explicitly told him what's wrong and given him a chance to change it a thousand times, and he just refuses to acknowledge that he does anything wrong.

mm, in that case I would just tell him that you are unhappy, nothing has changed despite repeated attempts and that you would like him to leave. Tell him you will be contacting him with information about child visitation, finances, etc.

Have you read the Basic Concepts? The three states of mind in marriage?

Your H has some abusive habits here... but this "shift" sounds like he moved from withdrawal to conflict, and his taker is at the wheel. His taker is LOVING that you have been meeting his needs, and he keeps going into these fits to get MORE. That's what often happens in conflict. A raging taker feeds itself using Love Busters.

I would use the Love Busters Questionnaire to explain to him what he is doing to erode your balance. Try it out while you research and prepare for Plan B.

I have read them, yes. H started to read the basic concepts, got fed up, and quit. He won't read any more. We went through the LB questionnaire together but he brushed it off and wouldn't talk about it.

Here is a draft of the letter I have written him. I have reconsidered the idea of going full-on Plan B in favor of giving him a choice. Please let me know what you think.

Dear H,

I want to thank you for the wonderful years we�ve had together. From our first ice skating trip to our first kiss, from the day you told me you loved me to the day you asked me to marry you, from the day we married to the day our son was born, you have given me the happiest moments of my life. You have been loving, kind, and patient, and you have supported me through so much.

I know that recently we have struggled with the distance between us. I want to apologize for my part in that: for a very long time I buried my head in the sand and pretended nothing was wrong. When I had a problem, I internalized it and did not talk with you about it. For my contribution to our issues, I apologize sincerely.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I have made in the past, and work towards a better, happier, more fulfilling life with you. I know that if we both work together, we can have a beautiful relationship that will make us both blissfully happy.

Right now, though, we cannot have that wonderful relationship. We have several obstacles in our way, which need to be dealt with. I have struggled so much this past month with where our relationship is going, and I have even considered divorce. But I love you with all my heart, and I believe that our marriage is worth fighting for. Therefore, it is time for you to make a choice. You can either accept my terms, and work with me towards building a better future, or you can move out.

I know that this may be shocking to you, because you have been trying to make me happier these last couple weeks. But it is like you are trying to patch a flat tire with a cotton ball: while it is certainly an effort, it is not enough. Please do not misunderstand me: I appreciate the effort you have made. But our problems have grown to a proportion that need a much greater level of work to fix.

Therefore, the following are things I consider necessary for us to rebuild our relationship.

Buy and read the Marriagebuilders books together.

Devote ourselves to meeting each others� emotional needs. We can work together to create lists of things that we can do to meet those needs. We will both work on filling those needs.

A minimum of 15 hours per week of undivided attention time. This is just us, and watching TV or movies, or being on the computer/phone does not count toward the minimum.

Adopt the Policy of Joint Agreement. This is designed to create a mutually agreeable solution to every problem that benefits both of us. The Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA) says: Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. If you would like more information on why this works, you can read the entire article at
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

Agree on a bedtime for us, at which time the light and both our phones will be off. Staying up later would require POJA.

You may feel that my conditions are selfish and unnecessary. I hope you understand that I am not doing this to benefit only myself, or to make your life harder. On the contrary, I believe that if we meet these conditions together, we will find that we are happier than we�ve ever been.

I would like to share with you one of my favorite quotes: �Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.� I don�t believe this change will be easy, and I�m sure you�ll agree. But I can guarantee that it will be worth it. We will be better, happier, and more in love than ever.

I love you with all my heart.

Me