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#2589522 01/24/12 01:02 PM
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I have recently become a BS and am looking for some guidance. This is my first post so apologies in advance if I havent followed all the forum guidelines.

About a year ago I started becoming concerned that my feelings for my spouse were starting to diminish. This upset and confused me and I searched deep inside myself to understand why. It seems obvious now but it coincided with my W spending a large amount of time on a study course which she had committed to. Despite her real efforts I think my EN were not being met.

After 6 months I confided in a friend and then a couple of months later secretly went to a relationship councillor. This wasn't entirely successful but I did remember her saying that my W was not giving me something that I needed. Although she didn't seem able to easily help me find out what that was. I was worried that I was having a midlife crisis and was freaking out a bit about kids, which I knew we had committed to having within a year or so.

Over the last year I have allowed myself to become more and more distant from my wife and have failed to meet her needs as well. I found it difficult not be transparent about my feelings. By taking responsibility for what I perceived to be my own problems and choosing not to share them with her I magnified them further. I realise that by hiding these problems I was ultimately being dishonest. At times it has felt like mental torture and it has been an incredibly stressful and difficult time for me.

Over the holiday season I found the MB website and realised that the concept of EN explained our situation in a way I could understand. At this point I told my wife about my feelings/concerns and what I had been going through over the last year. She found this very hard/upsetting but agreed to fill in the EN with me once she had time to take things in.

No less than a week later I discovered that she had cheated on me in December with an OW whilst on holiday, and had been having cyber-sex of a physical nature on Facebook with the OW.

I confronted her, explained that I needed some time away and stayed with a friend for a few days. Upon returning I told her that I forgave her, asked her to go to a counselling with me. I also told her that she must cease contact with the OW (who incidentally lives on the other side of the world). We sat down a couple of days later and discussed our completed EN Questionnaires

After just 2 days I discovered that she was playing an online game with the OW on her phone. They were also still friends on Facebook.

I confronted her again and she said she had been "trying to convince herself that she could be just friends with the OW". She acknowledge what she had done was wrong and asked me to give her another chance. I said that she already done the most hurtful thing anyone could ever done and that I had given her "another chance" already, and she had immediately gone and done the next most hurtful thing she could do to me. I asked her to move out for at least a week which she has done and we have scheduled a joint session with a councillor for tomorrow.

There have never been any AOs between us over this. To be honest despite it being a week and half since I found out I feel no real anger. Just a sort of nothingness rather than say the emptiness I would expect.

I am now wrestling with a couple of issues:

She had always said with deadly seriousness that if I ever cheated on her it would be over without any discussion. I had subscribed to this point of view to the point that I knew that if I ever cheated on her, deep in my heart I knew it would be over for me and for us, regardless of if she ever found out or not. I judged our relationship on this. This was a deep-held belief of mine, and I am finding it very difficult to come to terms with. How many chances should you give someone?

I feel that such wanton disregard/lack of respect for my feelings and for the seriousness of the situation has cast real doubt on whether my WS genuinely wants to save our marriage.

I am very nervous about when I would be able to commit to having children. She has said that if she was denied children she would find the resentment and lack of fulfilment too great a challenge for our marriage. I am not against children and definitely want them but only in the right relationship. I am finding it difficult at the moment to envisage children with my WS.

Feel free to ask any further questions if I havent explained something in enough detail.
Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated

ME: BS
DH: WS
Married: 2007
D-Day 13/01/2012
M'd 4 years

Lighting #2589529 01/24/12 01:16 PM
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Welcome to MB...

How old are you and your wife???

Has she struggled with same sex attraction before or is this more an anomaly????

Before this went physical in December (on holiday) how long was it going on emotionally???

Sorry you find yourself here.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Lighting #2589530 01/24/12 01:19 PM
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Ah, the rare homosexual affair.

Same animal, different clothes.

Having OW on the other side of the world prevents a lot of the snooping procedures. She aint running to a midnight boffing at the local Motel 6.

How exactly does one have cyber-sex of a physical nature on Facebook?


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
MrWondering #2589533 01/24/12 01:28 PM
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I am 38, WS is 31

I genuinely feel that this is the first time she has been attracted to someone of the same sex. I just think that the OW made her feel special. So I would say, an anomaly. That side of things doesn't really bother me to be honest. Should it?

They met on holiday in December and. It went physical before the end of the holiday, so say 5 days. I was at home.

Last edited by Lighting; 01/24/12 03:56 PM. Reason: Major typo, replaced "opposite" with "same"
Lighting #2589534 01/24/12 01:29 PM
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Welcome to Marriage Builders, lighting.

Before you can really begin the task of recovering your marriage, the affair has to end. It has not, and won't until they are no longer in contact with each other.

To accomplish this, you'll need to start with the following:
- She needs to shut down FB and cancel her account.
- She needs to change her cell phone number and OW's number must be blocked.
- No internet on her cell phone.
- No computer use unless you are there to supervise her. You'll need to password protect her computer with a password only you know.
- No more separate holidays.
- Total transparency: you need all her passwords to any email program, any online banking, etc.
- She must agree to work the Marriage Builders concepts.

She needs to EARN your forgiveness. She hasn't done so. Doing these things will be a step in the right direction.

Who is the OW? Do you know her? How did they meet?

Many, many spouses have sworn that they would kick their spouse to the curb for having an affair. I was one of them, and I am now recovered with my husband. In reality, many spouses choose to try to recover their marriage. And that can happen when BOTH spouses are committed to doing so. It is within your right to choose NOT to save the marriage after infidelity. I suggest you take your time deciding that until things settle down a little.

I would also skip the marriage counselor and talk to Steve Harley, counselor on this site. Most traditional marriage counselors have no clue how to actually save a marriage. Working with Steve, and the tools on this site, is the best use of your money.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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Originally Posted By: MikeStillSmiling

How exactly does one have cyber-sex of a physical nature on Facebook?


Type with your left hand.

Apologies for being somewhat terse, I'm having a bit of a sense of humour failure.

I.e. it wasn't just words....

Lighting #2589537 01/24/12 01:34 PM
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How did you find all this out, lighting?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2589540 01/24/12 01:41 PM
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Thanks for your advice, I take on board what you are saying.

Saying that I have a right to choose whether or NOT to save the marriage gives me some comfort. I have sometimes been feeling that against my gut instincts I should do the "right" thing. This helps me look more objectively and openly at both scenarios.

I don't know the OW, it was a girls' holiday and she was a friend of a friend.

maritalbliss #2589541 01/24/12 01:42 PM
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Type with your left hand...hee hee.

Sorry to laugh but thats exactly what I envisioned.

We are deadly serious here, but is it possible she was looking to spice up YOUR life? That maybe you took it the wrong way?

Id have to say if I walked in and my wife was Skypeing with another woman with legs akimbo and 'typing with her left hand', a simple thanks to the other lady may suffice.

I understand a breach in your security was made and made after what you describe as yearlong malaise has set in. And only you know if it hurts.

The same blueprints for success applies here. Do as they say here.


Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
maritalbliss #2589542 01/24/12 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
How did you find all this out, lighting?


Key logger, then accessed her FB account. Saw a very long and detailed message exchange.

Lighting #2589545 01/24/12 01:48 PM
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Does she know about the keylogger?


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



Lighting #2589546 01/24/12 01:50 PM
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Quote:
Key logger, then accessed her FB account.
Very good. You'll need to do some snooping going forward to confirm that NC (No Contact) has been established. It's good to see that you're okay with the idea, and not all "blah blah privacy blah blah" like some new posters we occasionally get.

Speaking of No Contact: I want to stress this, because I didn't in my other post. Your WW can have no further contact with OW FOR LIFE. Also, since OW is a 'friend of a friend' the friend may to have to go, as well. We'll need to discuss her role in all of this.

Your WW is going to need to write a no contact letter to OW. This is the suggested template:

Quote:
OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,


Last edited by maritalbliss; 01/24/12 01:50 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

GJM #2589552 01/24/12 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted By: GJM
Does she know about the keylogger?


No, not planning on telling her. Just told her that she left her account open

maritalbliss #2589553 01/24/12 02:12 PM
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
Key logger, then accessed her FB account.
Also, since OW is a 'friend of a friend' the friend may to have to go, as well.


Complicated slightly by the fact that she is now friends with all the other girls on the holiday. Who are good friends of both mine and my wife.

It's not great when look up the OW on FB and find you have 7 mutual friends

Thanks for the letter template.

Lighting #2589554 01/24/12 02:19 PM
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Quote:
It's not great when look up the OW on FB and find you have 7 mutual friends
Are these friends aware that your WW had an affair with OW?


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

maritalbliss #2589555 01/24/12 02:28 PM
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Originally Posted By: maritalbliss
Quote:
It's not great when look up the OW on FB and find you have 7 mutual friends
Are these friends aware that your WW had an affair with OW?


Not yet, I agreed not to tell them. I realise that this is in conflict with what Dr Harley suggests, but I don't want fan the flames right now. I am not against doing this though if it is the correct thing to do in my situation.

Last edited by Lighting; 01/24/12 02:51 PM. Reason: typo
Lighting #2589560 01/24/12 02:43 PM
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Well, here's the thing, lighting: you can't maintain these friendships. You and your WW will be triggered by these friends as long as they are friends with OW. AND if they knew anything about this affair, you need to lose them because they are enemies to your marriage.

Make a private promise to yourself: don't promise your WW anything right now.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Lighting #2589581 01/24/12 03:34 PM
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Lighting,

Ok, I admit it you have me confused. I thought you were female and your spouse was also female by the way you wrote. I look at the bottom of your first post and you refer to DH.

Then you say
Quote:
I am 38, WS is 31

I genuinely feel that this is the first time she has been attracted to someone of the opposite sex. I just think that the OW made her feel special. So I would say, an anomaly. That side of things doesn't really bother me to be honest. Should it?

They met on holiday in December and. It went physical before the end of the holiday, so say 5 days. I was at home.


Perhaps others have picked this all up, but I am confused. Please help me get straight on this.

While an affair is an affair, thus can be addressed in a normal method, when someone changes the focus of their attraction from the nominal to the other sex, then complications arise.

So are we dealing with a homosexual relationship that has now turned into a heterosexual affair? Or an affair where the sexual attractions remain the same but a new person is in the loop?

JL

Just Learning #2589588 01/24/12 03:44 PM
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Lightning, are you a man or a woman? Are you married?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Just Learning #2589595 01/24/12 03:58 PM
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Apologies that was glaring typo, I have edited the post now.
It should have said "same" sex

For the record I am a straight, male and married.

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