A 1996 Consumer's Report study found that only 17% of those who saw a marriage counselor felt that it did them any good. Most felt that it damaged their marriage. With those results in mind, I wrote, "Effective Marriage Counseling" to help counselors succeed where most have failed. You might also read my article, "How to Find a Good Marriage Counselor" in the articles section of the MB website.

First and foremost, a marriage counselor should not counsel a couple together unless strict rules to avoid offensive comments are in place. If a spouse breaks those rules, the couples should come to the counselor together, but not be seen at the same time.

What assignments has your counselor given you? Have you done what he recommends? If you have, and you have not seen positive results, the advice is not helpful. If you have not followed the advice, he can't be blamed if things are not turning out.

Generally, we do not recommend counseling by others when a couple is in our program. That's because there are usually too many conflicting concepts, and that leaves a couple confused. For example, we tell those who are rebuilding their marriage after an affair to completely avoid talking about it. Is that what your counselor recommends? If I were counseling you and you ever brought up the subject of the affair with your husband present in my office, I would immediately tell you to stop talking about it. When a couple leaves my office, I want them to feel better about their marriage than when they came. If leaving his office makes you feel worse, even some of the time, you've got the wrong counselor.