Well, a spade IS a spade.

You can still Plan A, be the best woman you can be as you prepare to go to Plan B and remove yourself from his environment of emotional neglect and abuse.

There is nothing bad in following the plans though you may very well choose, down the line to divorce him.

If you follow the plans, you simply empower yourself to be a better person as you move forward. with or without him in the end.

These plans are about you and they also have the lovely by product of giving your wayward spouse the oppurtunity to see a new way to be your husband should he make that epiphany of a choice.

Shouldn't my WH be pursuing me??? If he wants to be with me? He swears the A is over. I don't really believe him because I was burned after believing before. I understand the purpose for plan A, but at the same time 5 months after I found him out I don't think I should be the one making all the moves.

I've been doing some research on narcissism. My WH has a lot of these traits. For example whenever we are having a serious convo about thoughts/feelings, he reverts whatever is said back to himself. He treats me like I SHOULD be the one making the moves. He can't see past himself. He seems to be lost in a maze of mirrors and cant find his way out, and doesn't want to find his way out.

I hate how I find myself sitting here wanting to call and wondering what he is doing. Call me crazy but I feel like he should be pursuing me after all he's done.

SS, you are trying to bust up a long term affair here. Your WH's behaviour is entrenched. I am not saying that your marriage can not be recovered, but you need to do the work by following the MB plans. So even if your marriage is not recovered, YOU will be. Marriage recovery or personal recovery, if you follow the MB plans you will be able to take great pride in knowing you did everything you could to try to save your marriage.

You don't believe your WH has ended the affair. And he hasn't. Think of him as an alcoholic who every day goes to work in a bar. Of course he'll end up taking a drink. The affair can not end whilst he works with OW because an affair is like an addiction. Your WH needs to want to take steps to end this addiction by stopping ALL contact with OW for life. Exposure at his workplace is your best weapon for this. Have you exposed to his workplace yet?

As for narcissism... to have an affair is selfish. Are all waywards narcisists? No. But all waywards are selfish and self-absorbed. There has been many a wayward of this forum that had some sort of condition whilst wayward that was cured the moment they stopped being wayward.

And you are not crazy. I know exactly how it feels, hurting inside and wanting the person who is causing that hurt to stop the harmful actions and make amends. This is a perfectly SANE desire. But we can not control another's actions, only our own. And your WH is too addicted and foggy right now. So Plan A your heart out, but get ready for Plan B. Dr H recommends women only Plan A for about 3 weeks.

Jolt my memory, when do you plan to move into Plan B?

SS, whilst you are Plan A'ing you need to show WH the woman he is going to miss out when you go to Plan B. From your posts I get the impression you are not confident with what Plan A is. Please read up on this site. Not sure if you have read Pep's thread:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1518204

Plan A is not being a doormat. Carrot and Stick as per Pep's thread.

What are you doing as part of Plan A? How are you showing WH what he is missing out on?

This made it all come together for me. Ok I get it. Three weeks here I come! This is going to feel something like torture.

When I found out about the A (almost 6 months ago) my counselor suggested that I not make any decisions till at least 6 months. That date came out to be Feb 13th.

When me and my WH went to our week long intensive counseling session they suggested I not make any decisions for at least three months.
That date came out to be Feb 13th.

When my WH started really opening up and confessing his affair he said the date he first had sex with OW was Feb 13th.

No one but me (and now you)know about this "Feb 13th" thing. I believe it is a date given to me by God. I'm not sure why or what might take place before that date, but one thing is for sure I do believe God has a reason for me to not make a decision before then.

Right now I'm leaning towards divorce. My WH doesn't put out efforts for me. We were texting while I was at work last night and he said "I know I can make you so happy and love you more than you can ever imagine".
My reply was "What do I have to do to deserve for you to start doing this?"
He said "We are just at each other all the time and I can't love you like that if we are 'at each other'"

I told him that when I get upset and start going on about something, even if he doesn't understand me, that I just need him to come put his arms around me. I know this isn't the natural reaction for a man, but I spelled it out for him. He said that he just can't do that because I'm pushing him away when I get mad about something. It's like he didn't even hear what I just said.

We are separated right now. When he comes over to see me he "has" to leave around 9:30-10:00 to get home to get some sleep. I have GPS on his vehicle and tonight he was at our friends house hanging out with his buddy and left there around 11:30. So I guess he can stay if it's something he WANTS to do!

Why don't you enter Plan B on Feb 13th? Sounds like a good enough day to me.

So, Plan A, full carrot and stick, until Feb 13th. Hand him the Plan B letter, and get some peace and tranquility.

Exposure, meeting ENs with NO LBs while getting all of your ducks in a row for Plan B. Get yourself an intermediary, and figure out visitations, finances, etc.

Read up everything you can on Plan A and Plan B.

Feb 13th.
Sounds like the perfect day to go to plan B.

Anniversary of them having sex.
She may think he is tickled to finally be free for her
but
he won't totally be.

Perfect day to go to it.

You can prepare for it (IM, letter you edit with us here, funds to run your life if he isn't cooperative, legal help to financially know your rights)

and wait months after you go to plan B to decide where or not to file for divorce.

Get prepared for plan B even if you don't go to it on the 13th. Having prepared will give you a more secure stance to handle your plan A. You will know it is a safe place to go if you can not take it longer.