Let me start that 12 years ago I married my wife. She came from a broken home, her father left her at 14 and went to Ca after finding is wife in bed with my wifes then boyfriend.<BR>She came into our marriage with problems that I thought we could work out<BR>Almost 3 years ago my wife decided to resume her studies get her MBA. I thought this was fine, I hired a full time maid for my 2 beautiful kids and told her to go for it. Then everything started to change. She would study all day and night we had no life , then she joined a gym that became her home away from home, every day at 7 am 7 days a week she left and I wouldn't see her till late. Our marriage was turning bad and I became non surportive, we started to drift. Her husband and children became second to a life that seemed to be of a single woman.<BR>Two years ago we had dinner with a group of couples and I saw one of the husbands looking at my wife and not looking at his. I refused to go out with them again, the next thing I know he goes to the same gym, he has a reputation for having affairs. Need I say more.It seems that his wife found out about the affair and confronted him , he confessed to a 2 year affair with my wife in front of his children.<BR>A week later I find out that the whole town knows about this. I confront my wife and she tells me that she ended the affair and it was not sexual.it just so happens the affair ended the day after he confessed to his wife.<BR>I started looking at cell phone bills and what iI saw just blew me away 12 calls a day just from her phone , then I found the beeper registered to her mother and returned some of the calls, it was to the OM voice mail. All I know is that while I was out working this summer paying bills and camps she was having a GREAT TIME.<BR>My wife is now in a major depression and most of her married frinds don't call her. The ones that do our all seperated or divorced.She has no one to talk to so I sent her to see a psychiatrist to sort herself out. <BR>I feel used and very abused by all this. I do very well and could make a life for myself and my children very quickly. She had a long affair with this man and never ended it untill he confeesed to his wife. She keeps saying that they were only friends, no sex, give me a break. I decided to go over to the OM house , he was thrown out by his wife and I met with her and his children who hate him. They told me everything. And my wife still says it's not true, So why isn't she trying to clear her name.<BR>We have an honesty problem here. I do love her but I don't think I need her anymore. I will try to work things out for the sake of my children. But there is major pain here and alot of denial. <BR>She say's that she resented me for not talking to her, then I asked concidering the events "did she have time to talk". For the last 2 years I have tried to ask her whats going on, I would pull over the car and just say why are you not close to me. Now I know.<BR>If the affair was never found out i'm sure it would still be going on.<BR>We will be seeing a marriage consuler, but I still don't have the hole truth from her and in order for us to pick up the pieces we need to have honesty.<BR>By the way a year ago we did see a marriage consuler for several visits and she never mentioned an affair or friendship with a married man. I can go on but you get the point. <BR> We did go out this week and had a long talk, she wondered if I would ever trust her and could she ever stop resenting me fo not talking to her . I said now that your affair seems to be over we atleast can have a chance because I know what the problem was. As for trust it takes time and you have to show me that each day. Her response is maybe I don't want too, I said then maybe you don't want to be married and she responded that maybe she dosn't.( a real player on my hands) <BR>We are talking more and our sex is great and she tells me she loves me, but I have a wife with alot of luggage, it might be to much.<P>I could use some good feed back. <BR>

Adams,<BR> I was the last to know as well. I suggest that you read lots of stuff on this site. It has been invaluable to me. In particular, read "Surviving and Affair". It sounds to me that she still has feelings for you and I would say things are looking hopeful. Good luck and be sure and post here and read the other posts. There is lots of support here. WE have been or are where you are right now.<P>dzrt

Hi Adam<P>I know where your coming from Adam. I feel I am in the same boat as you. I am well off financially, W chooses to stay home and raise our 2 children. I worked very hard for the "family" and doubled my income in 2 1.5 years. W tells me I never neglected her and I was always a great dad and H. Not knowing the whole truth hurts more then actually knowing because my imagination is far worse then reality. One thing I know is you have to be your W's best friend in this matter. She needs to beleive in you, and trust that you will not hurt her in anyway when she reveals all the details. My problem is I have a great memory and things are still popping up after 6 months. Recently my W just revealed more details regarding 1 of 2 issues I needed resolved. W still claims no SEX was involved and I have absolutly no proof. I tried as hard as possible to be friends, make her feel comfortable and she basically told me everything, including "make out" sessions and her true feelings regarding the whole affair. I was at one time thinking like you are now. I was successfull, attractive and confident person and meeting a new Wife seemed easier than dealing with this affair issue. <P>You need to decide whether you want to rebuild this marriage. You need to understand that you will NEVER be fully confident that you have ALL the details. I am just starting to trust my Wife again but it will never be the same. Blind trust was the norm (stupid me I guess) but now it's just keeping my eyes and heart open for any change. At first discovery I was 100% gone but after learning and waiting and learning more and listening and blah blah blah I am down to 0% divorce. I hung in there at first for my kids and then I learned that I really did love my Wife enough to endure this pain and fight it.<P>Stand tall, be strong and think smart. I learned alot about my Wife and see her differently. I learned alot about affairs and marriage as well. I wish I did not need to but hey, this is life and I need to live it the best I can. Make a true comitement on your marriage and start from there. Best of friends with your Wife, make sure your kids are happy and things will fall into place.<P>Good Luck<BR>_____________________________________________<BR>"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees"

I wanted to thank both of you for your reply. It's not easy dealing with this situation in fact I find the whole thing very unreal, yet I'm in the middle of it. I find that her reactions and her emotional state is almost textbook from what I'm reading on these posts. I know I love her, yet can not come to terms that she was emotionaly involved with another for two years. I wonder where I was,"out to lunch".<BR>Now that it seems to be over I'm sure she is questioning her love for me and maybe even testing my love for her. No doubt about it I'm very confused.<BR>I will be taking her away for a week and hope that for a short time atleast we can put this behind us, it won't be easy.<BR>I often wonder if she is comparing me to OM, I know that i'm the better person, I don't cross the line and destroy lives, and I have had many chances too. But it takes two. <BR>I will think smart and stand tall, but when it is all over I just want to be happy.That takes two.

AdamS:<P>I think the other two guys have given you excellent advice. Read up on the stuff on this site. Particularly, read the four-part article on affairs. It was what attracted me to Dr. Harley's principles. It was like he knew my situation perfectly.<P>I would also like to recommend that you read "After the Affair" by Dr. Janice Abrams-Spring and "Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks. Both are excellent books. ATA is good for helping you discover WHY this affair happened and what you can do to help your marriage recover. GTLYW is great for learning good marriage tools to help you create and maintain a more loving union.<P>Third, I suggest you and your W fill out the Needs Assessment Questionnaire on this site. It can help you find out what your most important needs are and what hers are, and how you can go about meeting those needs.<P>Lastly, I'd like to tell you that I empathize with your situation. Although my wife's affair only lasted 3 weeks, it was the single most destructive thing I ever experienced. I know how you feel because I was there seven months ago. Let me tell you that it DOES get better. Let yourself feel the emotions. Be hurt, be angry, be sad. It's part of the healing process. One thing you <I>don't</I> want to do is to let it eat you up. Please, go to couples counseling with your wife. I was amazed at how helpful it was for us. A good counselor can help you deal with your anger and frustration, and can teach you how to learn to love and trust again.<P>Please, keep coming around here. The advice and support you will get here will be invaluable. Good luck with everything.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>