Hello forum.

I will start by stating I understand the rules of a forum in that I should search search search read read read.. however I am on such a time constraint I actually found this site while I should be working. So i appreciate any "got search" "read the manual" comments I can get as they will point me in the direction I need to go to find the information.

Why am i so busy? I am working full time and going to school full time.

What do i need help with?

I cheated on the woman I want to marry...during our engagement. The story in a nutshell is this.. we met around 19-23yo (4 years between us) over and over I would rip her heart out by girls calling and texting me.. I had a heart to heart and talk w her, I changed and would never be that person again. I had believed I had matured out of it and life was great! 6 years later after building her trust back up we bought a house, rebuilt it, and created a life together. I proposed in may of last year. I started the police academy in august and started texting a cadet in class.. the conversation grew fast and we were texting and calling everyday. it lasted for three months until my fiancee asked me if I was cheating on her. She could sense my demeanor was different adn just knew it. I lied around it, tried to get out of it. Eventually telling her the truth I said we only texted normal conversation things.. we decided to talk to our priest.. we had a plan to work it out.. she then requested the record from the phone company and disovered over 2000 text messages and could not believe that nothing happened. I couldnt lie to her any more, i disclosed that some of the texting did turn sexual. I shattered all that I was hopeful for.

Now i am trying my best to be golden to her, to do everything i can. The wedding is called off, everyone knows. she has planned vacations with her friends on our important dates. I am living in a constant state of "does she really mean its over".

I have discovered the values I was lacking as a person and am actively seeing professional/religious help to correct these things. She is seeing a counselor as well.

My question to the forum is where do i begin? I have completely cut off all ties w the other person. I did not have any physical relations. But my past history puts such a burden on the severity of this because I gave my word that she would never feel betrayed again.

We are separated I am living w my parents, we speak to each other with boundaries (watching the dogs, house matters, etc).

Any advice on what to read and where to research would be very helpful, I thank anyone who responds and am looking forward to the reply's.

Thanks again.

You're on such a time constraint, but you had time to cheat on your fiance?

My advice:
You're not married. You're not marriage material. Let your fiance go. Let her get on with her life and heal. Leave her alone.

Meanwhile, make yourself marriage material for any future relationship. Read up on Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders. You have very, very poor boundaries. Read up on Extraordinary Precautions. Don't enter any new relationship until you are a Buyer who can provide extraordinary care and protection.

Before I start, Parks I want to tell you there are many former cheats on here who have become wise and mature individuals. That could be you. But you will get a lot of 2x4s first, so you will need a thick skin and the desire to do the hard work.

Well, you have a lot of growing up to do.



For a start you have messed up a great thing, and yet cant be bothered to put the leg work into finding out the mechanics of your problem. In your shoes I would be unable to sleep and I would be up all night reading anything I could get my hands on.

Thats what I did as a BS. If you cant do that much as a wayward, to undo what you caused, I wouldnt want you for my husband either.



You discovered that talking rarely fixes anything without action. Neither will aging a few years - without action. Or vowing to rely on willpower alone without changing your behaviour around women. The vets will encourage you to change your habits re cheating by following precise actions.




How many hours undivided attention time would you be able to spend with her should she come back? Maintaining romantic love requires a minimum of 15. Recovering from an affair (even if she were willing) is more like 30.



But that was not the whole truth. This is trickle truth. Dragged out lies hurt worse than the affair (I know)



It was the fact that you had a secret life, had lied to her and have poor boundaries with women that 'shattered' everything. Telling the truth was the only right thing you did.

In a nutshell, you have poor boundaries around women.

You should not have opposite sex friendships when in a relationship

You should not be texting other women. At all. Ever.

You should make yourself very open to your partner, i.e. she should have all your passwords online, access to your phone - this will keep you accountable.

Dont lie to your other half. Read up on the policy of radical honesty. If you ever told your gf lies about who had texted you, who you were calling, where you going - then you are not a safe person to be with

If you withheld info from her - she should know all your friends and what you talk to them about - then you are not a safe person to be with.

You should make all these changes an tell her you want her back.

But to be honest this is hard to recover from even when you have the commitment.

When you have cheated even before getting to the altar, I would sy that basically you failed the husband interview and shoul work on making yourself a safer person to be with before your next relationship.

I think that is great that she broke your engagement and has moved on. You are clearly not marriage material and she is very fortunate to have discovered this before she married you.

You don't need "professional/religious" help to resolve the problem, you need to establish sane boundaries around women. For example, you maintain opposite sex friendships and continue to flirt with women. That is not how an engaged man behaves. So if you ever want to become marriage material, you would want to discontinue that practice.

You can take this as a lesson learned in any potential future relationships.


Apparently you didn't change. When a person changes, they change. You didn't change.

Did you read the Basic Concepts here yet?

Religion doesn't stop affairs. Many very religious people have them.
Knowing how they begin and what to do to not allow those things to occur is how you don't have them.
Take time to read up the concepts on this site.

Though you were not married to your fiance, you did lie to her and you are a known liar in that relationship. Your fiance is not sure she wants to take the sad path to trying to have openess and honesty with someone who was not.

She is wise. You let a wise one maybe get away.

Hopefully you will figure out the logical facts involved in committed, honest love and be able to find it with someone who is willing to learn the concepts and agreeable to implementing them also.

Understanding how affairs begin may help. Currently you dont see anything wrong with flirting/friendships with other women. Or you think its ok to do it if no one finds out. Read the following to help you be safer in your next relationship.

15 Steps to an Affair <~~~ LINK

I thought this too. I especially like that she requested the phone records, something that I would never have thought of without MB. A smart cookie and a helluva catch I would bet.

Oh what a chance you missed Parks by not going radically honest straight away and giving her the info voluntarily!

Thank you very much for the direction. I will read these articles!


not true.. I just don't have much time to read through everything to find the most beneficial aspects pertaining to my situation. efficiency of information is crucial to time management in my case.


Thank you for this information. I realize that my time commitments are not going to be up to the standards. However, I don't expect this situation to be solved over night and as crushed as she is we are taking the separation seriously for me to develop and her to heal.

My goal is to learn my weaknesses, understand how to develop them into strengths, and if she is willing to try again...prove myself every day of the rest of my life that I have succeeded in my goal.


Thank you for the direction, I will read the policy and work to make the changes necessary.



Thank you again, this is what I am doing.. She is working on healing..by the grace of God I may get a chance at showing who I can become and prove myself to her for the remainder of our lives..but only time will tell..

not yet but it is now on my list thanks to you!


Thank you, I appreciate the tip..if you have any information on articles that may expedite this discovery i would be much appreciative.



Thank you for the link! What a GREAT ARTICLE!




I understand my faults as everyone knows hindsights ironic clarity..

I appreciate everyone's reply and input.. I welcome the criticism and look forward to any additional information anyone would want to provide.. I did a terrible thing to an amazing person and I will never repeat the behavior. I look forward to the articles and insight the forum provides as this is a great resource to improve and strengthen my weaknesses.

Why great? Curious.

Yet you had time to cheat on your fiance?

I was sincerely interested on your thoughts of that article. What did you think?

People who emphatically state that they will *never* cheat are the ones who are the most at risk.

I haven't seen you post anything that demonstrates you actually "get it"...

What exactly is it that *you* think your weaknesses are that you need to fix? What is it that you have learned you need to change this time that you didn't last time?

well in my case this "affair" whirled into something that was unlike I have ever been involved in before. The article breaks down the steps and processes so that the reader can sort things out in their head and see how far down the steps the situation progressed. AND they can reflect on each step and make a mental notecard to remember the behavior as a flag for future misery should things continue and not be disclosed to their significant other at the beginning. Thank you for sharing it with me.
95 percent of the communication between me and the other person was during school. 5 percent was during work hours.. no excuses just stating the facts.



I disagree with you because while I have made an emphatically statement that i will *never* do it again its motivated by an awakening of the disgusting selfish person I was during the affair. I am positive I will never do it again...I think my weakness are that I need to check my boundary issues, my ability to commit to one person, my ability to truly love one person, my ability to truly give EVERYTHING to that person. Above all provide brutal honesty with them and follow through on all commitments. These are just the starting areas.. i am exploring my childhood, my upbringing, my values and beliefs and beyond, with the help of my physiologist. Through the help of my pastor I am exploring the religious aspects of what i have been lacking in retrospect to honoring God and living my life selflessly for him and his word while honoring my wife and my family and being the leader and stability of the family. I need to develop all of these things and many more that will come up through my continued self improvement with the people I have intrusted to help me with my development. What did i learn that i didn't last time? Look up.. last time... i believed i was just in a phase.. and that i matured out of cheating behavior...and for a long time it seemed like I did.. but what i really did was alter my life to not be tempted. I put a band-aid on it rather then pulling up the roots and diggin up the ground to plant new seeds for a wonderful garden of development. unfortunately, my fantastic wife to be had to be hurt again for this to be realized because I was a weak idiot who didn't want to come clean..(flagged for development don't you even think its not)..it destroys me that I am going to be such a different person ..for the better.. and not be able to honor her and show her the reciprocation of love that she selflessly showed me.

again many thanks to the forum.. i am loving the content here.. just wish i had more time to devote to reading.

any feedback is appreciated!

The people we spend the most time with are the most dangerous to our relationships. Recognize this. This person was able to pay coins into your lovebank repeatedly during this time. She was invited to do so by you. Over time, someone who was not a patch on your fiance became a competitor to her because she simply had more time.
You willingly allowed these events. Because you thought you could handle it - that you had the willpower to 'never cheat' - you didnt bother barring temptation.


Radical honesty - good, boundary issues - good, the rest nonsense.

EVERYBODY is vulnerable to an affair. It has nothing to do with childhood and upbringing. Dr H specificlly states it is a waste of time to go probing a waywards childhood cause it doesn't matter. Everyone likes to flirt, everyone likes to have their needs met and to be adored by more than one person, everyone is vulnerable to slipping into that deep dark pit!

I think Susie Q was trying to tell you to recognise the simple, present EVERY DAY danger of cheating.

That it isnt a mental illness or a childhood syndrome

Everyone knows those guys who are fully aware of how much they like to flirt and chase women. The ones who are scared that when they get married - how are they going to stop?

But I dont worry about those guys because they recognise the dangers. They have their guard up. They never go down those steps to adultery stages.

I married a 'will never cheat' guy. And when he got caught he was amazed at himself and tried to find reasons and explanations, blamed the marriage and his childhood, blah blah blah.

The way to stop is to recognise the dangers, that the dangers apply to everyone, that your time and your love bank belong to one person alone and to just stop.

Excellent points! I really appreciate your insight and guidance. Thank you