pa is a one of my needs that is high. Dh is aware of that and has made a bit of progress toward meeting that need. But, I am realistic in knowing that he has done most of what he is going to do to meet that need. And I really don't blame him for it. He works really hard to take care of our family which allows me to stay home with our kids. He provides a wonderful life for us. He is a great dad and husband. All of these things leave little time for him to work out more often. He rides his bike to work everday (not a long ride-about 10 minutes there and 10 back) and he eats fairly healthy. I am guessing it must be the beer that causes him to maintain being overweight because otherwise he eats healthy and gets a bit of exercise. Anyway, I just don't want to be concerned with it anymore. I love him, am in love with him, and don't want to be with anyone else but can I change me and my needs so that I can have a better physical chemistry with him??

If you are in love with him, it sounds like he must be meeting your needs successfully. The proof is in the pudding...

I am in love with him but I want to be more physically attracted to him

Then you should be honest with him and tell him what he can do to make you more attracted to him.

I have been honest and he knows but I believe he is really doing about as much as he can right now, and I accept that. So this is not about me trying to have him do more to change himself. It is about me wanting to just get to the point of completely accepting him as is, and teaching myself to be more p. attracted to him as he is. Possible???

ace, but the truth is that you are not attracted to him as he is. And I bet you have tried, haven't you? So the solution is to ask him to lose the weight so you are attracted to him.

You say he's done 'most' of what he needs to do. What part is missing?

Ace, has he tried different diets? Has he eliminated most carbohydrates? And how much beer does he drink?

Beer will pack on the belly weight in a heartbeat. How much does your husband drink? How many beers a night? How many nights a week?

Do you feel he might be drinking too much? I don't want to make something out of nothing, but a man who bikes to work and eats healthy foods, but is still out of shape, is getting an overload of calories from somewhere, and the beer is the likely source.

You may need to have a conversation with your H about his drinking habits. Clean that up and your attraction to him will follow.

The answer to your question is no, it is practically impossible to change your needs. It is much easier for us to change our behavior than it is for our spouses to change how they feel about our behavior.

It looks like you're going to need to tell him you're not comfortable with his current weight, and ask him to change his habits so that he will lose weight.

Have you guys considered working out and dieting together? How much time do you spend together?

The issue is not with the beer. The beer becomes a problem when it's combined with food or calorie containing liquids. Food will not digest when the body is metabolishing alcohol. For men, typically fat accumulates most noticeably in the stomach. So if your husband is going to drink then he shouldn't eat. It would also be a bonus if he were to cut his drinking down to one evening a week or an evening every other week.

Have you brought up joining a gym? many of them have child areas where your kiddos can hang out with other kids, play games, etc while you two workout. You two could train together or you two split up, get your 30-60 minutes in and then go home to supper. If you plan your training session effectively, 30 minutes can be more than enough. Riding a bike for 10 minutes twice a day is not going to do the trick.

The other thing is if he's gaining fat, then he's eating too many calories. Healthy is also relative...a lot of people don't really have a clue what helathy eating looks like.

There are also a lot of stuff that can be done at home with no or little equipment...stuff like a chin up bar or a tree with a branch to do pull ups, home built sandbags, etc. Here's a link to a training site. The guy primarily does bodyweight exercise or using easy to make implements. www.trainforstrength.com

Here are a few blog articles I've written
http://fitnesstogether.com/yukon/blog/6060/how-we-get-fat
http://fitnesstogether.com/yukon/blog/6109/nutrition-101
http://fitnesstogether.com/yukon/blog/6139/complex-vs-fundamentals-and-fat-loss-part-1
http://fitnesstogether.com/yukon/blog/6071/regulating-that-appetite

markos, thanks for answering my question. I was hoping to go that route. I'd much rather have to do the work to change me at this point. I don't want pa as one of my high needs. But, to answer other's questions, he does not have a drinking problem. He enjoys some beers on the weekends. I really don't keep track so I'm guessing but maybe he has 4 beers on Friday, 4 on Sat. I don't know. It just has to be where the calories are coming from because we eat about the same amount. I really don't want to, and in fact, am not going to ask him to change at this point. He knows how I feel about it, we've had the conversations, I've already done enough damage to this beautiful man that any woman would be lucky to have. I just can't see the point of talking about it anymore with him. He already knows. I don't think we need to diet together, we already eat very healthy. If it were his choice we would eat burgers, brats, and potatoe salad but I'm mostly in charge of cooking so we eat healthy. I just can't see where he can fit in anymore exercise. He goes to work at 6am and returns home on a good night by 6pm, but often later than that, in addition he is working on his doctrate degree. Many nights he comes home at 6 to dinner, eats, spends time helping get the kids in bed, and then works more. He needs to to keep his job, so cutting back is not an option. We just changed his job so that he could spend more time with family. He gets about 10 more hours a week with us than his previous job.
And, completely off-topic but why when I type this it with every stroke reverts back to the top of the page so Ican't see what I've typed and the page flicks all over the palace. It is really hard to type.

kilted thrower, thanks but access to a facility is not a problem, we live in a condo with a small gym, we live where we can run outside year round and we have a live-in helper so childcare is not a problem. The problem is a time thing. He is working 12 hour days, or more in a stressful job so I can't and won't put anymore stress on him to add yet another thing to his day, so maybe I'm just stuck, because I know soon I'm going to get a log over the head from one of you saying "well, if you're not willing to tell him, then you'll just have to deal with it." Which I understand, I was just hoping I could change, not him. But I will say I really can't figure out how we can eat the same and he is at the weight he is at. It doesn't make sense. thyroid?? I think he has had that all checked and he is healthy.

kilted thrower, as far as healthy eating goes, I really think we eat very healthy but I'm ALWAYS in hunt of healthy recipes that I feel good about feeding my family so please post your ideas on healthy meals, or websites, apps. etc..to help in that area!!

ace, and that is what markos is trying to explain. You don't change what you find attractive because it is an emotional reaction. I am sure you would have already changed that if you could. You can't.


Look in your URL box at the top of the page and look to the right for the little broken page. Click on it and it will fix that problem.

Well, Ace, if 1-2 hours per week is too much time to fit in for somethign that will make him feel better, look better, and possibly increase his longevity, then I don't know what to tell you.

If he eats as much as you do, it's very possible he's eating too little which is causing his weight gain.

M-F I go in the morning to coach swim practice, then go to my school teaching job, then go coach the high school soccer team, then go to work at my personal training job. In addition, I am responsible for several senior students final senior essay projects and I maintain a blogging schedule (albeit it's a paid position).

I'm also finishing up my masters degree program. And part of my masters program involves having to work as intern in a sport related business, entitiy, or corporation.

I still manage to make it to the gym or get exercise in.

If you train right, you can be in and out of the gym in 20-25 minutes.

So it's up to you and your husband what you do. Being busy is an excuse. I understand the busy days of 12 and 15 hours. I also understand making priorities. Anyway, you don't have to justify to me why he won't get in the gym or why you won't be honest and approach him about this issue. I think honesty is more important. And if something was bothering me about my wife, she would much more prefer that I be honest with her even if it hurt her feelings initially than try and deal with it and let it become a resentment down the road.

Stress adds fat. What can you do to relieve his work stress? Minimize expenses? Is he in a job he loves? Most people don't feel stressed doing work they enjoy.

Ace, do you stick to healthy carbohydrates? For example, foods like white potatoes, bread, corn, sweets, etc, are very fattening. A good healthy diet consists of something like this:

Breakfast
scrambled eggs with real butter and heavy cream
bacon or sausage

OR if you are in a rush, 2 pieces of string cheese

Lunch
Grilled chicken salad with yellow cheese and blue cheese dressing
unsweetened tea

snack: almonds or macademia nuts

Dinner
12oz ribeye
broccoli
tossed salad with ranch or blue cheese dressing

I have tons of very healthy recipes that eliminate unhealthy carbohydrates and speed up metabolism. A really good resource is obesity doctor, Michael Eades, M.D. blog. He has some great ideas about healthy weight loss: http://www.proteinpower.com/drmike/weight-loss/resolving-to-diet-in-2012/

here is the webpage for the posting problem: http://www.west-wind.com/Weblog/ima...0fa2f0f9-9548-4516-b801-45bcc70aa8d9.png

Ditto!!

On those links, they are links to where you can view other blog entries. There's a ton of recipes in the nutrition section. I also posted in there some recipes for healthy side dishes, desserts, and making your own salad dressings. I'd work on posting more recipes but I don't have a lot of time to do extra writing. I'd really recommend that you go to http://www.precisionnutrition.com/ and look at ordering their cook book Gourmet Nutrition. It's fantastic and aimed at physique minded people. I can't praise Dr. John Berardi's book enough. I own this book and like it enough that I've ordered others as gifts for family and friends.

http://www.precisionnutrition.com/products/books/gourmet-nutrition