I am going on 6 months since my divorce and about 2 years of knowing of my ex-wife's affair with another man (who, by the way, is still married to his wife of 24 years).

Background, my ex met this other man at work. From my guesses, he has been "wooing" her pretty much since she started working there about 4-5 years ago (hindsight is 20/20). He lied about his age, assets, family and so on. My ex bought into the lies and stories, as his life sounded so much more than mine and she wanted that life. He is still married to his wife of 24 years. Both his kids are in college. He is also 15 years older than my ex. My ex and I were together for 10 years and married for 6 of those years. We have 2 children (6 and almost 4)... And yes, the other woman knows of the affair. In fact, the two of us talk several times a day to provide support. She has no desires to divorce her husband at this time because she is afraid of starting over in life when she planned her whole life around him.

Everyone knows it is going to end, but my ex. I am certain that he knows it will end just based on things he has been doing lately. My dilemma is do I take her back if she decides to come back. She has said many hurtful things to me (mostly because I think it makes her feel better to be mean than deal with the guilt). My family and friends say not to take her back because if she did this once, she will do it again. However, my children want us back in the same home. I believe that I should give them that opportunity and the family that they deserve. Part of me wants her back, but there is fear that things will be more bad than good.

Please help me... I do not necessarily want to also put my life on hold waiting for the affair to end, but I am just confused as to what to do.

Welcome, dad.

I think you're putting the cart before the horse, and that's what's confusing you. She hasn't come back to you yet. You have nothing but speculation to work with.

You are absolutely within your right to take her back - or not. We can't answer that question for you, any more than your relatives can. That is your call.

I can tell you that, if she did return to you with heartfelt remorse, you can rebuild your marriage. That's up to the two of you. We have a multitude of help on this site if she returns to you and you want to recover your marriage.

Personally, I'd say for you to keep that option open, because your children would be best served to be in a loving home with two parents. But again, that option has not presented itself to you. You also need to consider that she may never return.

Have you read the articles on this site? Even if you don't recover your marriage, you can heal yourself. Please read here and feel free to ask questions.

I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced from this terrible tragedy, and hope for the best for you.

Welcome Do2
I agree with all above by mb. With the right plan in place (including what we call Extraordinary Precautions), a cheatin spouse can be held accountable for the rest of their life and not cheat again. You would also have the responsibility of creating a loving amazing marriage that nobody would want to stray from as well - it's very possible.
Without a plan, your friends are right -- "once a cheater, always a cheater" is the common wisdom. I thought my ex and I had recovered fromher affair 11 years ago, but we knew nothing of recovery and slipped right back into the same patterns.

Right now I would focus on some basic concepts here. Healing, and gaining some insight, as well as being there for the boys in the best shape possible. You may formulate a vision of what you want your next relationship to look like, whether that be with your ex or with someone new in the future. Many concepts can be applied to your relationship with your kids (like eliminating Lovebusters -- Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgements, etc).


I'd be careful talking to the BS of the OM. You are very vulnerable. I'm sure you're a nice guy, but she needs MB, this site, and possibly counseling with the Harleys more than she needs to be talking to you. Give her the info and wish her luck....

~optimism

Dadoftwo, you need to learn how to do a plan B. This means no contact letter must be sent to XWW stating that it is to painful for you to have continued contact with her as long as she is in the affair with the OM.

Then state that the best thing in the world for our children would be that they were in a home raised by parents in a loving marriage. There are tools that we can learn to use to reach this goal.

However NC means that from now on if you need to contact me it must be done through a 3rd party/imtermediary (see if you can get a sibling to handle this for you). They will pass on whatever you need to ask or tell me and they will get back to you.

Set up a IM and send this plan B letter to XWW ASAP.

Dadoftwo,
I understand your thoughts and emotions surrounding the affair/divorce as do many others here. I don't think its unusual for you to have these thoughts as you never envisioned being without your wife nor did you ever believe she would be capable of causing all the hurt and pain you've experienced. If you read my sig, you'll see that I'm in a similar situation.

I still have hope that WxW will someday recognize her errors and remorsefully decide to want to try again. I do! BUT even if you decide to wait or "stand" for your marriage, you still have to move on.

Does moving on mean you have to find someone else? Maybe to some but not to all. But you do need to LIVE. I haven't spoken to my WxW via plan b for more than 7 months. It has helped me greatly! It doesn't mean I don't still love her or that I wouldn't reconcile if given the opportunity. It just means that I have removed myself from her drama. I can't be "just friends" with her because I still love her, but more importantly, this cheating, lying, manipulative individual is not the woman I spent the last 11+ years with nor is she someone I would want as a friend.

Go live life. I've started doing some things like learning a new language. I workout 6 days a week now. I go bowling, to the movies, and others things. I did a complete overhaul of my wardrobe and I feel really good about myself. My relationship with our daughter is as good as it has ever been.

No one is telling you that you have to give up on the possibility of reconciliation if you choose not to. There is a possibility it will happen and a possibility it won't. I know this also. What we are telling you is you have to LIVE YOUR LIFE.

I understand. I hope you can find some encouragement from my words.

EXCELLENT post, Mark!

DadofTwo,

Even if OMW accepts, you need to expose OM to his parents and any other relatives, his business associates, his church
, his children. Two years is a long torture and a major insult to your manhood. The worst of it is that he did this to your young children.

He is still married to his wife of 24 years. Both his kids are in college. He is also 15 years older than my ex.

This is why exposure is so important, OM has learned that his W will support him no matter what. At the same time
he gets to have a woman 15 years younger for free. You have to make a downside for him, frankly if someone openly
affaired my W for two years I would castrate him.

God Bless
Gamma

dadof2,

Excellent advise from all above, the only thing I would add to this is since you have got your divorce in place I would be working on a plan of what it would take for you to accept the WW back. Understanding all the concepts for a recovery and healthy marriage here will help you formulate a clear plan.

I would have a list ready of demands/actions/hoops that she must do/jump through to have a chance of walking back through the door. Things like transparency, openest,a no contact letter(heart felt that she writes not you) and the list goes on.

The last thing you need to do is not be prepared for the day that she does approach you crying and saying she's sorry.

As Gomer Pyle used to say "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me!!"

SC

I think everyone here has given good advice. I think deep down you want her to come back, which is understandable with kids involved. I have the exact same scenario except i have 4 boys that are praying for there mom to come home. I have been honest with them that there mom has chosen another life, and that its time for us to move on. But i also realize that the best solution would be WEW come home and be the woman she was. If you want her to start thinking about things, go on a few dates and somehow let her find out. That may get something stirring, and also get his affair out there. You may go on a few dates and realize that there are better things out there as well.

You provide for your wife the BEST chance for her to be happy and have the marriage you and she always wanted. (paraphrased from Dr. Harely in a radio show situation yesterday).

You can make this happen. It will take time and understanding of the principles here. First, work on yourself. Be the best DoT you can be and the best Dad.

opt

Dadoftwo,

The advice your getting is spot on. As Mark notes, your top priority should be to take care of yourself so that you will be in the best position to take care of your kids.

I believe that any BS holds out some hope that a reconciliation is possible for a period of time. As has been stated, it most certainly is possible under certain circumstances.

Dr. Harley talks about forgiveness and just compensation. That�s critical for any reconciliation. I think most BS�s are willing to forgive, but are all WS�s willing to provide just compensation as described by Dr. Harley? In your case, is WW willing to end ALL communication with POSOM? Is she willing to take extraordinary precautions to make you feel safe? Will she be willing to follow MB principles (meeting ENs, avoiding LBs, establishing POJA, etc.) to make your marriage as strong as it can be? If you're not convinced that she would be willing to take all of these steps, then don�t waste your time and stress your emotions wondering if you should take her back.

As maritalbliss said � she hasn�t come back to you yet looking for forgiveness or reconciliation, so don�t even think about it now. Focus on you and your kids.

I think a BS should keep the door open as long as possible, but there comes a time when you have to move on. Only you will know when you have reached that point in time. It�s different for all of us. You have young children, so that has to be considered. There is no doubt that they will benefit by being raised in a family structure with both parents at home. That said, if the parents don�t truly love each other and respect each other and live as committed partners, it can bring more harm than good to the children.

It�s not clear by your post whether or not you�re in plan B � i.e. no communication with WW. If not, please take this step. It will make it much easier for you to heal if there is no more contact.

Don�t put your life on hold. Make a plan. Be proactive.

Let us know how you�re doing � there are a lot of caring people here.

Linus