Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
what do you do on the weekends? Do you spend time with other single friends of the same sex? Do you spend time alone?

The reason I ask is that I'm trying to find myself in this new single life. Before I had my crush (still slapping myself up side the head over that one) I was happy just staying home and piddling around. I had to make myself go places when the kids were with the ex. I know there is nothing wrong with that, but I wonder if it's making the depression about being single and a failure worse?

The last time the ex had the kids, I went out with my married BFF. We had fun but it reminded me that I'm divorced you know? I'm trying so hard to get past that mindset but I'm struggling. I felt like ppl could look at me and see I was divorced and feel sorry for me.

Anyway, the kids are gone again this weekend. :-( I have a cousin who is single that likes to go to the movies. I thought about seeing if she wanted to go tomorrow night but truly I'd rather stay home, clean my house, etc. I know I should do what *I* want to do, but I can't help but still feeling like I need to get out more. Thoughts?

And to make my crush situation worse, I was emailing back and forth with a male friend last week. He knows about the crush. He has mentioned many times that he would like to have a friend of the opposite sex to do things with. He is dating a girl that lives 3 hours or so away but they are not exclusively dating.

I mentioned in the email (was frustrated with myself about crush and needed to escape at the time) that we should do things as friends when our schedules permitted. He emailed me back with suggestions and that he thought it would be a good idea for both of us. We have only been friends since ex left (long story). So now I'm freaked that I even suggested this because I don't want to focus on what 'could be' with him you know? I really don't see myself ever getting romantic with him but dear Lord I'm in a needy phase right now and who knows? I have told him this and asked him to give me some time to adjust to the idea. I don't know that our schedules would collide (he's very busy) so it wouldn't be very often. I'm thinking I need to wait for several months if not even longer because of my emotional state but since I'm the one that volunteered ... does that make me a bad friend? I don't want to lose his friendship. I don't think I would but ...

Note to self: I will quit getting myself in these pickles. I will keep my big mouth shut. I'm in the crush pickle because of me. I'm in this pickle because of me. I am done opening my mouth.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Well since I'm laid off all but one day a week, the weekends are pretty much the same as week days to me. My kids are grown and there's no one here but just me. I go to church on Sundays but other than that, I do the same as any other day. I clean house, play cards with the neighbor, etc, nothing very exciting. I don't date because I don't want to. Sometimes I have weekend plans but most of the time I don't.


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Pris, I googled "fun activities for single women' on your behalf. As you can imagine, that google brought back some pretty interesting returns! Thankfully, my husband knows I'm doing this for you. laugh

However, there are a lot of sites online that have great suggestions for singles - check them out! (Avoid the obvious hook-up sites - those are not where you need to be right now.) Check out the other suggestions - there are many.


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 244
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 244
Pris~
I am not dating..........

I work A LOT, but in down times I play tennis on a women's league (2 nights a week), go to church on Sat. night, and attend an all ladies bible study every other Sunday night. Saturday "day" I usually go get my nails done, clean house, shop, etc. On Sundays (when it's warm outside) I spend the entire day at the beach, alone, praying and reading. It's very relaxing.

I also try to walk 2 miles every day with my dog. This is very therapeutic.

I purposefully keep myself very busy and I am very content. I have no desire to get into any kind of "long term" R.

What I would not mind is a simple "friend" to go out to eat with, movies, etc. No desire to remarry, or even seriously date. None whatsoever. Makes me nauseous really.

Now, I'm a very independent person by nature (and even though my D was just finalized in Nov., I've been living alone for nearly a year now). So I've felt D longer than I actually have been.


Me: BS age 35
POS-eX-the SORRIEST, CRUELEST, LOWLY WAYWARD SCUMBAG out there
Married 14.5 years, together almost 16
DDay: 7-5-09
OC born: 7-23-09
no COM: tried 6 years frown
D filed 5/05/2011
D final 11/10/11
I was gaslighted for 2 years.

"You were not built for a safe story. Take risks and feel what it is like to actually be brave. It's worth it." Carlos Whittaker
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Kay, sounds like our lives are pretty much the same. I enjoy being a homebody but I just worry it's not totally good for me.

MaritalBliss, please don't get in trouble with your hubby because of me. lol I'll Google and see what I find. I am not into online dating and never will be so I'm not tempted there.

Migs, I'm searching for contentment. I've been praying for it for months now. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't want to want a relationship. I don't want to think a man has to complete me. I don't even know that I really think that. I don't know what I think. I've been living alone since the day I filed so I'm used to this life.

I have the biggest problem with comparing my life to others. I don't think I used to be like this.

I think I figured out my crush problems. While we were IMing and texting every day, it was something to look forward to. Since that has stopped, my life seems boring although I was fine with my life before. Does that make sense? I think I mostly miss the communication and flirting.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
I walk twice a day as well. There's a lot to keep me busy at home, I do a bit of telecommuting, I walk my dog twice a day, stack firewood, shovel snow, etc. In the summer I have a lot of lawn to mow...I'm on 1.3 acres.

What really helped me was getting my dog. He's very interactive, likes to "talk" to me (he's half Husky, they do that), is very playful, etc. I think I'd lose my sanity if not for him! Plus he's very cuddly...all 100 lbs of him. He lays next to me at night before he goes to bed, just to snuggle, so I get plenty of that! smile


Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 200
Hi prissanna,

I felt compelled to reply to you because I think that I know where you are coming from.
I have been on my own a fair few years now and I have come to realise and accept that in most cases I prefer my own company to other people's. I am happy on my own and definitely prefer that to being in a bad relationship. So it is very tempting for me to stay home most evenings and weekends or visit my family (I have 3 sisters miles apart) because I am happy to do that.

BUT I would be happier if I were spending time with my loved one in a fulfilling relationship. However, I know that I'm not going to bump into him in my living room. So I motivate myself to go out now and then. I don't have close friends but I have made lots of new casual friends in the past couple of years by joining groups within Meetup (Search it on www). It's not a dating website but it is a way of getting out doing things you enjoy with other people who enjoy the same thing. Interestingly most people are single maybe because they are new to the city or professional people with busy lives or, like myself recently divorced. So if you meet someone that you want to have a flirt with, it would probably be ok and if you don't then you are out having a good time and haven't wasted your evening on a date that isn't going anywhere.

I hope that helps.

TM

Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
I'm halfway in a funk again today. I don't get it. I don't get why I care one way or the other. I don't get why everything reminds me of something he said/did. What is WRONG WITH ME????? Really, I'm good with this not going anywhere so why do I keep thinking about it? I'm thinking padded room ...

I ran across something last night that should do it for me.

Quote
If he misses you, he'll call. If he wants you, he'll say it. If he wants you, he'll say it. If he cares, he'll show it. And if not, he can't be worth your time because you're obviously not worth his.

I plan on reading that every day until it sinks in.

Last edited by prissanna; 01/27/12 08:26 AM.

Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
TM, I looked at Meetup last night and there is nothing within 1.5 hours of my area.

I would like to know what everyone thinks of me and my guy friend (the one that's dating someone) doing things together. Am I in too vulnerable of a position right now to consider it?

I think part of my struggles is that I don't think I would recognize love if it slapped me in the face. Not that I'm looking for it but ...


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
I have my kids 50% of the time. When I was newly single and on my own for the first time in almost 15 years, every minute I wasn't on a date, partying, or doing something, felt like wasted time. I hated being home alone.

That completely changed over the next 2 years. I went on so many dates and went out so much that I got tired of it, and most weekends without my kids I'd leave work on Friday, stock up on food, and not leave my home once until time to go back to work on Monday morning. I loved sitting in my underwear, playing Bejeweled, listening to music, and drinking coffee for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings. LOVED it.

Now I'm dating someone, and I'm somewhere in between. I've found a balance between party animal and hermit, for now anyway. I think it's pretty common for newly single people to have a similar experience.


Divorced
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by Krazy71
I loved sitting in my underwear, playing Bejeweled, listening to music, and drinking coffee for a couple of hours on Saturday mornings. LOVED it.

Visuals I just don't need Krazy. lol Thankfully you made me smile.

Ya'll will probably think I'm crazy because I don't see myself being a help to anyone, but I just befriended a lady I don't know who is going through a divorce and I'm giving her parts of devotions and scriptures that spoke to me through this last year. This has helped me take my mind off myself and I truly hope it helps her.


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
Originally Posted by prissanna
Ya'll will probably think I'm crazy because I don't see myself being a help to anyone, but I just befriended a lady I don't know who is going through a divorce and I'm giving her parts of devotions and scriptures that spoke to me through this last year. This has helped me take my mind off myself and I truly hope it helps her.

No, I don't think you're crazy. I think you've found one of the best things you can do! Wonderful!! Helping other people will help you focus on the world around you. When you're going through a lot of emotional pain you're more likely to get stuck there if you spend all your time thinking about yourself and your problems.

Instead of becoming a party animal like Krazy, I was a complete hermit during my divorce and right afterward. I'm starting to get to a place of balance where I leave home and do things with friends. I ALWAYS have my kids, but they are nearly grown and two of the adult children still live at home, so it's easy to go out. I have even started leaving for the weekend about every other month.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 393
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 393
Prissanna, I dont know your entire story, but i have felt alot of the same things. I have the kids nearly 100% of the time and it makes it difficult to go out and do anything by myself. Some of the things i have been doing is some remodeling in the house. Im building a new bathroom/bedroom and once thats done i will be repainting the rest of the house. (Im still in the house we built) It is just a way to make everything the way i want it, and once im done i will reevaluate my situation lol. But right now if im home, i have something to do to keep my mind off of life or i can think about this awesome bedroom with a huge closet for the next person in my life:)


Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 14
B
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 14
I am so busy raising 5 children there is no time to go out. They visit their dad and I find myself missing them. Hopefully I can find some female friends that are single to hang out with from time to time.


Me: 44YO FWW: EA IN 2005-2007 EXPOSED MYSELF IN 2006 NC SINCE 2007 WAS MARRIED FOR 18 YEARS
HIM: 47YO EX WH: PA WHILE DATING, CALLING PROSTITUTES WHILE MARRIED, PROBLEMS WITH PORN(CONFESSED ALL THIS IN 2006 WHILE ARGUING)SEX ADDICT
DSX3:13,14, & 15
DDX2: 18 & 11
SEPERATED IN 2007, DIVORCE FINAL 2009. EX WH REMARRIES IN SEPT 2010. I WILL NOT MARRY AGAIN UNLESS THE MAN IS OPEN TO MB CONCEPTS.
LEARNING FROM MY PAST MISTAKES & LOVING MY KIDS
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Does anyone else feel like you have this huge sign over your head that says DIVORCED/FAILURE when you go out in public? How do you get over that feeling?


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 508
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 508
Priss,

I've got st say I enjoy your drama, I really don't wish that crush on you and am sorry your dealing with that. As far as the DIVORCE/FAILURE thing you are now in the majority...... or close to it. tons of people even if they're married now went thru a divorce.

I want to back up to the friend that wanted to hang out with you some. I read that as he is interested, enough to see if you two can connect. As for you going out with him it will distract you from Crush Boy, and who knows you might really enjoy hanging out with this other guy.

I have to say that this is bad advice if you can't keep your emotions in check.... last thing you need is to fall for another guy who isn't ready for that either. But on the other hand, might just take care of that cleaning the house all weekend thing :-)




Me BS 54
XWW 51 Divorce final 1/9/12
DS26 DS24 Twin DD's22 Married 29years
D-dates No1 01/2007, No2 08/2008(ongoing)
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 921
Originally Posted by prissanna
Does anyone else feel like you have this huge sign over your head that says DIVORCED/FAILURE when you go out in public? How do you get over that feeling?

I sure did for quite a while and did everything I could to not be seen in public. After time, I got over it. And you have to realize this stuff takes time.

I read your other post about the guy you want to pursue a friendship with. Sadly, you are pursing this for all the wrong reasons. frown You have to heal from your divorce, and learn how to be happy on your own before you date or pursue relationships with the opposite sex. (Don't beat yourself up about this though as many of us (myself included) reacted the same way you are now.)

As tough as all this is right now, it is such a tremendous oppurtunity for personal growth. I think you will amaze yourself as you travel through this chapter of your life.

Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,463
Originally Posted by prissanna
I just befriended a lady I don't know who is going through a divorce and I'm giving her parts of devotions and scriptures that spoke to me through this last year. This has helped me take my mind off myself and I truly hope it helps her.

This is great! I've found the same thing to be true when I was grieving the death of my husband...volunteering your time, investing in others, gets your focus off your own problems and helps restore balance. Treating yourself well and realizing you don't have to have a mate to be valuable is good too.



Enacting life's lessons into positive change... .
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
P
Member
OP Offline
Member
P
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 156
Originally Posted by stillcommitted
Priss,

I've got st say I enjoy your drama, I really don't wish that crush on you and am sorry your dealing with that. As far as the DIVORCE/FAILURE thing you are now in the majority...... or close to it. tons of people even if they're married now went thru a divorce.

I want to back up to the friend that wanted to hang out with you some. I read that as he is interested, enough to see if you two can connect. As for you going out with him it will distract you from Crush Boy, and who knows you might really enjoy hanging out with this other guy.

I have to say that this is bad advice if you can't keep your emotions in check.... last thing you need is to fall for another guy who isn't ready for that either. But on the other hand, might just take care of that cleaning the house all weekend thing :-)

Are you making fun of me SC? naughty I generally am not prone to drama hence the confusion as to why this has turned so dramatic for me. I'm thinking of blocking crush for a few weeks so I won't be tempted to see what he's doing/saying. He hasn't been on much but I don't want to care. *hand to head* I don't want to block him permanently because last week he sent me a message and if I had never responded, he would think I had written him out of my life totally. As I said in another thread, he is the cousin of a cousin so writing him off totally would be wrong.

Even though I'm in the majority, most of the majority has re-married or is seeing someone. Therefore I still feel like a freak. And I feel like a failure when you look around and see 'happy' marriages and I couldn't keep mine together.

I have issues with the friend thing so I'm thinking it isn't a good idea. He is such a good guy and I don't want to get caught up in any infatuation with him. I'm going to re-evaluate in a few weeks and go from there. Thankfully he doesn't get in a hurry with anything so it's not a pressing matter. lol

And stop making fun of me. rotflmao


Me (BS): 41
Ex (lying cheating piece of dirt): 43
Kids: 12 DD, 6 DS
Married 17 years
I filed: 9/25/10
Divorce final: 10/4/11
He remarried: 10/15/11

My current status: Healing a little more every day!
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2011
Posts: 651
Originally Posted by prissanna
Does anyone else feel like you have this huge sign over your head that says DIVORCED/FAILURE when you go out in public? How do you get over that feeling?

It took time. Lots of time.

Instead of treating me as a second-class citizen, I found that people tend to be very kind and helpful to single moms. Especially single moms who are obviously overwhelmed. So many people have had close friends or relatives who have been through nasty divorces. They "get it" even if they haven't been there.

Last edited by Kirby; 01/27/12 11:47 AM.

Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 899 guests, and 46 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Nofoguy, Ingrid Guerci, Wifey02, forevermemorable, Hairyfeet
71,821 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5