Hey all -
My wife and I have been happily in recovery for about a month now. Things are going really well, and we're both feeling the love flooding back. We're both having fewer and fewer "bad moments", and we've really effectively cut the "bad period" out of our lives, apart from scheduled conversations to talk about why it happened, how better to ironclad our relationship, etc.

This weekend we have a friend coming in from out of town. The last time he was here was just prior to D-Day. He saw my wife at her foggiest, told me he was uncomfortable with the way the OM was towards my W at a party, and basically was present for the beginning of the 4 day breakdown that culminated in Disclosure. So he doesn't know what happened, but he knows that SOMETHING was really wrong.

I'm not sure how much, or what, to disclose to him. On the one hand, all of our other good friends know, and disclosure kills the illusions, etc. On the other hand, the other friends all live in the same city as us and are an active part of our support network. This guy is a good friend, but probably doesn't want to know something so intimate. Not to mention the disclosure conversation with him will be a huge trigger for both of us. I don't want to go back to that place, and I know my wife doesn't, either. We're on such a good track, bringing up the A is a big withdrawal.

What do you guys recommend as far as this boundary? At what point do you stop disclosing to everyone? My wife is not the same person she was when she had the A, not by a long shot. On some level I feel that disclosing at this point would be needlessly bringing up the A and all those painful, hurtful emotions again.

I would rather just say something like "that was a really dark time for us... we realized that we weren't making each other happy anymore. We've done a lot of work on rebuilding in the meantime, and we're in a really different place now. I'm excited for you to see us the way we really are together." But maybe that's just dodging the painful reality of the A?

No need to go into details. Just say your relationship is moving in the right direction. You may want to apologize for putting him in an awkward position last time.

I would POJA that with my wife. We have a couple of friends who are in similar situations with us; our standard response is "We had some troubles, but are in a much better place now." And if our friends are married, we mention Dr. Harley's books and how much they helped save us from divorce.

If you've exposed the affair to your kids (if any) and those people who were in a position to support your marriage or help end the affair, it's enough.

I agree. It's enough explanation to say that you had been going through a rough time and things are better now.

Most friends and acquaintances IME are more comfortable with this than by an in-depth explanation.

Exposure to kill off an affair (if one was still going on) is a different premise. Additional disclosure to friends and family afterward could do more harm than good, if the danger has already passed (IMO).

So you're saying he's less of a friend then the others?
Then why have him come visit?

Did your other better friends warn you about the OM and WW?
Or did they just sit there and watched the train wreck?

Were you aware of this danger before this true friend saw and warned you about?

It seems the one friend that was your best friend to you and best friend to your marriage and family is going to be left in the dark on how his actions helped to save you, does not deserve the truth.

If you chose to lie to this man you do not deserve to have him as a friend. Remember lies of ommission are just as bad as commision.

This man, I chose the title man, because you are not treating him as a friend, deserves a big thank you for him waving a red flag.

The only friend that was smart enough and brave enough to wave that red flag.

This man deserves to hear you say thank you for the warning it started the process that helped you catch WW and OM in an affair. His timely warning helped to catch the affair and keep it to a short time frame. Thanks to him and MB's you and WW have learnt to end the PA, recover, and have a better marriage post affair. Again thank you.

lostexpat, I'd recommend that, as Doormat_No_More has advised, you POJA this with your spouse.

Meaning no disrespect toward TheRoad here, but I think that's perhaps a tad overdrawn. By that logic, you'd be morally obligated to tell any friend who visits you about your wife's affair, and no one who wasn't promptly told of the affair would be worthy to stay for a visit. And I think it's similarly overdrawn to implicate a BS as a would-be "liar" in this circumstance, simply for not bringing up his/her spouse's affair.

If you feel reasonably assured (as far as you can be sure of anything, only 1 month into recovery) that no-contact is firmly in place for her, and if this friend is from out-of-town and is someone who's not generally in position to help you out as an extra set of eyes on your wife (other than during rare visits), then this doesn't sound like a situation where disclosure is imperative for "exposure" purposes.

So you can POJA this.

At the same time, it's good that this friend was attuned enough & interested enough in your well-being & that of your marriage to try to tip you off when he sensed something was amiss. Our society doesn't encourage such decency enough. Maybe a simple, heartfelt "Thanks for looking out for me/us" will be enough. Only you & your wife can decide.

We have some friends whom we've told, and some far-away friends whom we've not told, and I think it just depends on who you think needs to know in order to be helpful to your recovery.

Yes, the A is part of your reality and (hopefully relegated to) your history; but it's not the totality of your reality. [sorry, really not trying to sound like Jesse Jackson there...] You don't need to wear it on your foreheads, unless it helps you to do that -- which, after a certain point, you will likely find, it probably doesn't.

I don't know, TR. I see what you're saying, but I also believe that not everyone has an interest in being 'part of the process'. lost's friend might consider their disclosure TMI. He may not want to hear the details, and the disclosure may make him uncomfortable.

lost, ITA with the posters who are suggesting that you POJA this with your wife. The two of you may agree to just see how things play out - it might not even be an issue. At most, you may end up just thanking him for the mention he made about WW and OM, and tell him the two of you have discovered a great counselor who has really helped you with your marriage. Or the two of you may find yourselves talking to him and telling him everything. Stay open to those possibilities.

Meaning no disrespect toward TheRoad here, but I think that's perhaps a tad overdrawn. By that logic, you'd be morally obligated to tell any friend who visits you about your wife's affair
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No. I disagree. This is the only friend that made the effort to warn the BH that the OM was doing his WW. This friend deserves to be told that his gut feeling was right and thank him for being the only friend that was brave enough to step forward.

No details about the PA need be given beyond acknowledgement for his warning and thanks added.

Obviously the weekend has come and gone so I�m curious to know how things turned out, if you�re willing to share.

Honesty and openness have great benefits. With respect to friends and family, I think it allows those who support you to provide more meaningful advice or feedback when they know more about the context. While I tend to lean more towards the side of sharing, you obviously want to consider the risks to sharing. Will the information hurt someone? Are there any health and safety risks? I think the most important issue to consider is the impact on your marriage. Therefore, I echo the comments of others about ensuring you and your wife use the policy of mutual, enthusiastic agreement. Often it�s not about what information is shared, but how it�s shared.

On a related note, I�d appreciate thoughts on a situation I�m having with boundaries and relationships. I recently registered with this website (8 Feb 2012) and have been looking for a forum topic about friendships and boundaries after an affair. If I am not following proper decorum by asking a question in another thread, please let me know. The reason I�m asking here is because I found the thoughts in this thread quite helpful. If anyone has come across another forum that is better suited to my question, please direct me.

I have posted the following under the subject: Maintaining Friendships

Briefly, my wife and I separated and within a few weeks were in intimate, rebound relationships. We have since taken steps to end those relationships and are now considering reconciliation with each other. We both agree that contact with the other relationships needs to be eliminated. My wife developed a friendship with the other man�s sister before she met the other man and does not want to end that friendship. I am not currently willing to accept that relationship. Questions? Thoughts?