I have a feeling my husband is either seeing someone or is interested in someone. I have this feeling because (1)He is so quick to say he wants out of this marriage. The words come out of mouth very often. (2) It seems like no matter what I do, it's not good enough. And, of course, there's very little affection and a sex life that's nil. Please help me here: If it is really over, I can't accept it very easily. I can't seem to see that it may really be time to end this. I just wish I'd have a good cry. I would love to hear from anyone. Thank you.

Hi, I got that a well, and in fact there was an affair. On the other hand, there migh just be some things in the marriage that he's feeling are not working well, and this is his way of telling you.<BR>Have you asked him why he's feeling like that? DId you take a look at your marriage to see if you can find something that it's not at its best. It's quite normal that with all the life's stresses and ups and downs, sometimes we ( both ) get caught in different things, and leave some needs unattended.<BR>Whatever the reason might be, you need to talk. Either there's an affair, or not, but the signs are there that your marriage is suffering in some way. Communication is the only way to get the idea of what's happening.<P>Is your H willing to talk or avoiding any conversation? ( At least on a more personal level ).<BR>DO start there: talk to him and see what's on his mind( as much as he will let you ).<P>There are many different situations in this board and I'm sure that some of us went trough the same you are going trough now. Our experience in the situation might be helpfull to you.<BR>Please talk to him, and keep us posted.<BR>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.

Sounds so familiar. No attention, affection, sex, etc,etc,etc. Also, something had to be blamed for all that was wrong, so it was me. I've been there, done that. You need to have a great deal of patience right now. Do all you can to get him to communicate, but don't expect him to right away. Try to let the "giver" in your personality come out. The "taker" will want to, and it will from time to time cause some real "lovebusting" sessions. <P>It's been a year. We've been through hell. We are separated, but we have found a new friendship that we haven't had in a long time. He bought me a present Friday, something he never did. He is transferring with his job, but we still want to work on our marriage even long distance. <P>A year ago I never would have thought we could be on such good terms. I had to learn the hard way that patience, lots of patience is the key. Also, you need to find a way to get him to communicate. It took months, but we finally started communicating and he stopped "working" late and came home on time. Midlife has brought on some other issues, and he thinks he has to feel "passion" and "romantic" love which he doesn't right now. I thought after 25 years that comfort and friendship was important. I'll stop rambling. Long story short -- we are now communicating and sharing. That's a baby step. Be patient and you'll see results.

Thanks so much for the response. I agree with you that talking is necessary. I've tried explaining to him that we need to talk. He is very unreceptive.

That sounds VERY familiar to me, and I lived like that for over a year. He even agreed to go to counseling. Why on earth he wanted to waste that money while he was boinking someone else I'll never comprehend.<P>The point is, if you are really ready to know the truth, start looking for evidence. <P>I went back into bank records and found mysterious weekly withdrawals (hotel cash). I checked his wallet while he was in the shower and found a small worn piece of paper with all her phone numbers on it (even an unlisted home phone). (If you have a cell phone or certain phone services, you can call a number with *67 and they won't get it on their caller id.) <P>I cleaned his car on the day it needed to get a new inspection sticker and found the torn top of a condom wrapper (had my tubes tied years ago). <P>I checked MY cell phone bill carefully and found weekend calls to her when he "took your car to be washed". <P>Do you know his voice mail password? (If he has it at work). I checked all these things and he still denied and called me crazy. <P>I even have a phone log on my bill from a hotel to her car phone at 11:54 am. They were co-workers and he thought she'd stood him up...<P>My point is, if you think something is going on it probably is. Unfortunately, he will probably start lying like crazy and try to make you seem paranoid. Don't buy it. If you want this guy, start digging and FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE.<P>LIZZIE<P>------------------<BR>When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. Isaiah 43:2<P><BR>

One of the hardest things to admit is you don't trust your spouse. That is exactly what keeps us from being wise and checking out our suspicions. We begin to chastise ourselves for being paranoid and then we allow things to go on a little longer until we completely talk ourselves out of doubting our spouse. Real love will stand up under the test of any examination. When there is nothing to hide there is obviously nothing to find. The trouble is if your H is hiding something the lies and recrimination pointed at you will be to turn you off the scent of betrayal. Go for it! Follow your suspicions and get the answers to all your questions. Move while the trail is still warm. I waited too long and paid the price of a life lived with nothing but lies. I never caught on and it took the other woman to rub it in my face before I saw it. Better you discover then someone tell you first..<P>------------------<BR>eyes wide open<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Taj (edited November 01, 1999).]

I want to thank everyone for your messages. This is a great place to go when problems arise. You are right. I want so badly to trust that I'm not seeing the signs. He belittles me and I think it's because he wants to turn the table on me. He wants me to feel completly at fault. I did have an opportunity to play detective today. What I found was my cell phone bill, but not his. I found my credit card bills, but not his.

Dear begrjo-<P>This is exactly what happened to me when I started suspecting. He was cold, saying cruel things to me, nasty comments all the time, trying to make me feel stupid every time I talked. He was always too tired at night for sex. Started working later and later. I already suspected and snooped thru his wallet after an all-nighter, found a hotel bill (in town when he told me he was out of town) and a Meier's receipt with 2 toothbrushes, mascara, and panties on it.<P>That was almost 3 weeks ago and feels like it's been 3 years. I'm not even a "junior member" here anymore. I think the clues are there, I'm sorry to say, and I would try my best to find out before it goes too far and the chances of healing your marriage go farther out of reach. I'm so sorry, I'd love to be able to tell you it's probably nothing. I don't usually like to depress people here more than they already are. My mother-in-law thought it would had been better if I hadn't found out and the affair had just run its course. I think thank God that I found out early so the attachment with OW didn't have time to totally poison my husband's and my relationship. Granted, I am now in the struggle of my life to keep him, but he is kind and somewhat responsive to me.<P>I'd find out, whatever way possible if he won't own up. Good luck and God bless.

begrjo, Are you familiar with both plan A and B? Did you read the basic needs in this site?<BR>If not, maybe you can take a minute to read them. If you already did, I suggest that you try to start plan A for now. Since you're not really sure what the situation is, maybe there aren't specific areas that you know need to be worked on, but just try to follow the love bank deposits, and doing the small little things that we all do at the begining of the marriage and sometimes forget a bit as the time passes and more and more things are expected from us. ALso keep talking, even if he's not responsive. Maybe it isn't such a good idea to confront or insinuate, but talk about other things that are not threatning. MAybe his interests, or things that are important for him. Just so he feels connected with you in some way.<BR>The "Sn.."word: I think we all resort to snooping at one point or another ( I'm ashamed to say that I wasn't an exception to this ).Many times the betrayer ( if there really is an affair ) is quite careless with things that might give away what's going on. I suggest caution however, there are many consequences to snooping and unfortunately the most commom is that our suspicions might be founded. Others are anger from the betrayer, and perhaps worse wrong conclusions from evidence gathered.<BR>In any case let him know that your marriage is important to you and that you're finding that there might be some problem or something bothering him, and you would like to help. From this one you can get two things either he opens up and is receptive, or like in my case, he will not accept it, and things will come in the pen soon. In any case you will know and then you can go from there.<BR>There are many success stories in this board, and there's no reason why you can't be one as well, even if an affair is involved.<P>Hurt bad,<BR>Your though about discovering the affair early being positive is quite interesting. You see, in my case I found that discovering early - the week it started - actually delayed the rebuilding process because he was always caught in the "what if..?" thing. and going back and forth from ending it to starting it again, although everytime it was in fact getting better in regards to the marriage. But untill it really run some sort of a course it wasn't completely over. Glad to hear that the opposite also work.<P>Take care<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.