Just wondering, has anyone had the experience of dealing with an indecisive spouse only to have the OM decide that the relationship isn't worth the trouble and make the decision instead? <P>I am currently 19+ weeks from d-day and using Dr. Harley's Plan A suggestions. My wife of 15+ years has had a 6+-month affair with a co-worker that I discovered in June. They still work in the same office and have contact there. The affair has become known at work and people are not comfortable with the situation. He is in the process of finding another job according to my W. <P>When the affair became known I got the "Love you/ Not IN LOVE" line. Since the time of discovery she has been vacillating with "I can't leave you, the boys, our home, etc." and "I have feelings for the OM". She is still at home and we see a counselor individually and jointly. The boys do not know what we are going through right now, and hopefully will never find out. In fact, very few friends, family, or neighbors know. <P>The OM is going through a divorce (sped up by this event), and is living in an apartment. He has given up his life for my W, though she has given up nothing in terms of her "normal" life. On the outside things appear usual for us, a happy family. <P>Recently, discussions with my W and our counselor lead me to believe that OM is becoming impatient with my W's indecisiveness. Maybe even more so than I am. I'm actually doing pretty well right now since I stopped setting deadlines in my mind. Most days are getting better, though the 10,000-pound gorilla is always there. <P>Anyway, my W had always said that the OM was willing to wait and wasn't putting any pressure on her. My thought was sure, he's already given up his life right now anyway. Well now he's been dealing with this since early 1999, has lost many things, and is almost free to start his life over. Last week my W said that he asked her if she was waiting on me or him to make a decision for her. Naturally she said no, but I had also asked the counselor the same question about three weeks earlier. <P>At an individual session last week our counselor asked how I would handle the situation if the OM made the decision to end the relationship rather than wait for my W. This was just before my W said that she may end up with neither of us. The counselor had planted that thought at her last session because all this has been going on so long. <P>I don't think she realizes my commitment to our family. In addition, very few affairs actually survive to become long-term relationships. As Dr. Harley says, I have history on my side and most affairs end with a natural death. I keep trying to get her to read some of the information about how we can recover but she keeps saying that she's "not to that point yet". Why is it that the betrayed are so much more willing to learn about these situations than the people involved? <P>Anyway, after a roundabout way, here are my questions: <P>Is this a normal scenario where the OP tires of the waiting and ends a relationship before the indecisive person makes a decision? <P>Is there a normal timeframe for these events to occur?<BR> <BR>When the OP decides to end the relationship, does this create more resentment than normal? <P>I guess that I will be grateful for a decision, no matter who makes it. I think if the OP ends the relationship it may actually make it easier for my W to concentrate on us knowing that he has rejected her, rather than always having second thoughts about her decision. If he ends it he's not quite so readily available. <P>
