I wasn't 'warning'. I don't expect to be pandered to- and I don't think anything you've said is 'mean'. Sure, the truth hurts, you're right about that. I guess I just wanted it to be at least somewhat respectful. That's all.


No, I really don't. It sounds like an awful way to spend the next 40 years.


You're right. I'm scared. Yes my BH deserves to know the truth- and I know that in my head. I'm petrified- and to be completely honest, I'm more petrified of hurting him again than him choosing to divorce me. Which I know I already have hurt him again, and the longer I don't tell the truth, the more hurt accumulates.

You're not getting it. POJA means never asking someone to do something they don't want to. You put your education ahead of your marriage.

You found out the hard way that being apart plays havoc with marriages - and so does failing to Poja!

But let's cut to the chase. Your marriage is doomed unless you can tell your h the full truth honestly.

Are you willing to do that?

I understand that there is no acceptable reason for adultery. But adultery does not happen in a vacuum. The reason I wrote so much about me, was because there are often precipitating factors/events and I was trying to explain.



No, couldn't stay- no program where we lived. When I said I had never asked him to give up an activity, I meant I had never said, "don't go hang out with your friends tonight, hang out with me!" I begged him to move with me. He refused because "there wasn't anything fun to do where I was going to school". I guess I didn't push it because I knew he wouldn't budge and I didn't want us to end. We ended up getting married before I went to school instead of waiting till after.

Yes, you're completely right about the IB. The reason I couldn't quit school and move back home after the first cheating incident, was b/c I am in military and they are paying for school, if I were to quit school, I would've probably been immediately deployed for 9+months, as opposed to finishing school where we could at least see each other. Now that I'm done with school, I have control about when/where I'm deployed, and it's only for 3 months.

I was back home for about a month and a half. Training was military, so there was not an option of going or staying.

Last contact was a few weeks ago.

DoroM,

Are you and your husband both military? I assume since you just completed a fully-funded graduate program that you have a lengthy commitment to the military. Was/Is your husband prepared to move with you where-ever you are assigned? Is he prepared for multiple deployments?

It appears to me as though you had both signed on for a marriage of independent behavior versus interdependent behavior. A good marriage is the blending of two lives into one interdependent life.

AM

Maybe I'm not getting it. The decision of mine to go to school was made early on in our dating relationship...He hadn't even told me he loved me. So yes, I put my education ahead of my dating relationship. And then he said he supported me going to school. I'm curious- since my going to school was a decision I had made before we were at the point of making decisions together, how does Poja apply? Since he didn't want to move, was I just supposed to say, "yes, dear" and be a good housewife? I'm not saying this sarcastically, but I am genuinely curious how this is supposed to apply to decisions that were made way before marriage was even on the table. You know?

Was it a recipe for disaster? yes. And the whole being apart thing, even for a night. I feel like our our future marriage is a recipe for disaster. Because of his work (pilot), it means that he will be gone from our house for at least half the month. Every month.

To be completely honest, I am not sure I am ready to tell my H the full truth yet. I understand our marriage is doomed if I don't.

It was a really big step for me to even get on here and talk about it (even anonymously)

The decision to go to school was made by you before you were married, but you didn't move to go to school until after you were married ... do I have that right?

Decisions that were made before marriage that are harmful to marriage should be undone once you are married. That has nothing to do with being a "good little housewife," but has to do with what is best for your marriage. Your marriage should have come first, not last.


No one is ever "ready" to tell the truth, but surely you understand that it is not fair to continue to lie to him? His right and need to know supercede your comfort level. This is information about his life that is being wrongly withheld from him. He has a huge problem in his marriage and he needs to know about it.

Yes, we are both. But both reserve/guard. With my current AOC, my deployments would be about 1 every 1.5-2 years for only 3 months at a time. So not that bad. He also has some flexibility with deployment. But, we are both supposed to be gone this fall, we fixed it so we would at least be gone at the same time. But that's still 2-3 months of being completely apart.

I would agree with you about the marriage of IB. I think we probably got married to quickly to have the time to really discuss all the really important stuff.

Yes. Decided to start applying to schools after dating a few months. The application process/interviews and what not are done about a year in advance of when I actually was to start program.

You shouldn't have moved without your husband.
When you were single, you had every right to live where ever you wanted.
That changed the day you got married.
Your husband didn't want to go, so you abandoned him. And you really don't see a problem with that?

I guess when you put it like that, if I was given a choice to go to school or to marry him, I would've chosen going to school. I don't know if that is more of a reflection on me, or our relationship. Maybe both.


Yes, I understand. But I also can't just run out right this instant and tell him. For one- because he'll be gone at work for a few days.

It is a reflection that you place your school above your marriage, but we already knew that. The reason your marriage is such a wreck is because it has been neglected. That is the point the others are trying to make. You can't expect to maintain a marriage if you neglect it.


When does he return?

Married 2.5 years, no kids, both working in careers that involve constant travel/deployment, 2 affairs already... recipe for disaster. Are either of you willing to (or even able to, due to current military requirements) put your marriage ahead of your career?

If her husband showed up on this forum, I would tell him to cut his losses and move on. This marriage has been a disaster from the start.

And two affairs in a short marriage? That would be a deal killer for most people. No one is worth that.

Is it really abandonment when he was in agreement with the plan? Is it any less 'abandonment' on his part that he refused to allow me to follow my dream of further education, just because he wouldn't be able to ski or mtn bike for two years?

I get that we entered the marriage with independent behaviors, but to place full blame on me for wanting to go to school, when the only reason he didn't want to go with me was because of lack of outdoor activities (not b/c it wouldn't work with his job)?

Clearly, we both were saying to each other that other things were more important than our marriage.

It is abandonment when you abandon your spouse for your career. No reason to argue about it. The point is that if you continue to place your little job aspirations above your marriage, you will never have a marriage. A job should complement a marriage, not the other way around.

The key thing is to be honest with your husband about your affair and let him decide if he wants to stay married. If he does, we can help you fix your marriage if you are willing to make it a priority.

You still arent willing to put your M first, or to accept that your h would have been unhappy and resentful living somewhere he didnt want to!

I would say divorce. But have the courtesy to tell him the truth first so he doesnt mourn you too long.

He already knows something is very wrong. It keeps him awake nights. He prob even blames himself, since he doesnt know the truth of what is wrong, that you had an affair.

Oh, and saying he is at work is a total cop out.

When I found out about my h's affair, I carried on going to work. I didn't confront him right away. I was devastated but you would be amazed what the average BS is capable of enduring.

I called him up from my office one day and said I could tell he was keeping something from me, and that I wanted to know what it was. That secrets were a deal breaker with me, but that I could work past anything but lies.

He said just what you said. That he couldnt tell me while at work.

But he didnt tell me the next opportunity either. Or the couple after that.

What you dont realise is that the truth, wherever I was and whatever I was doing, would have been a gift. It would have freed me from those sleepless nights trying to figure it out. It would have meant MAYBE I could trust him to be honest when it really counted.

In the order of things that have bugged me about the A - his telling OW he loved her, sleeping with her and lying about it, I rank the most offensive act towards me as lying.

You have the chance to undo the lying.

But you will continue to make excuses until he finds out on his own (and he WILL) And that will be that.

I don't see the benefit of marriage for either partner in this marriage. I don't see why you married. You put your career first and it appears as though your H puts other activities first.

Did you have a large wedding with a big reception? Did you marry for the party?

AM

Thanks for your input. It was actually a pretty small wedding- 80ish people. It was a casual backyard BBQ.