Hello all,
I was wondering how you deal with your friends criticizing your husband? I defend my husband, but sometimes I then feel bad about my relationship and it can even remind me of something he did and make me angry. I know it's an instinct for friends to defend their friends and they mean well, but I feel like I can't discuss any conflicts between me and my husband with friends because they will then think negatively about him. Should I just stop discussing these things with friends (unless I know they'll support my relationship)? Who will I talk to about our conflicts then? I usually need to "vent" about it to someone when whatever fight we are in has gotten me very upset and I'm not supposed to talk to my husband until we "cool down" because it can bring out love busters. Sometimes my husband just won't talk to me about it until a few days have passed because he sometimes has problems with excessive anger.
I feel stupid because this seems like an obvious one but talking to a friend is a good way to get my feelings out and I don't want to lose that.

I would NOT discuss private things with your friends. That is personal business between you and your husband. Everything should be discussed WITH HIM.

Describe the worst recent example of his excessive anger. Something within the past 12 months.

Name calling?
Insults?
Physical pushing/shoving/hitting?

I had gas when we were on an airplane. He was very irritable and this set him off (he was sitting next to me). He demanded multiple times that I stop and after explaining that I couldn't because I was having digestive problems and the seatbelt sign was on, he grabbed my head and angrily told me in my ear that we were going to have problems if I didn't stop. I had to change seats. I was very upset with him but I couldn't talk to him about it for at least a week because he kept getting angry all over again about what he thought was something disgusting that I had done.

Oh wait, you said the worst. That wasn't the worst, but one of the worst recent examples. This was about 3 weeks ago that it happened.

Nothing physical, but he does use name calling and insults on occasion.

I'm sorry, but that's funny. I do have the sense of humor of a 12yr old boy, though.

Is gas a recurring problem? We all experience it sometimes. It seems a very odd thing to get angry over, unless one spouse has a chronic problem they refuse to address through diet or medication.

What else is going on? Are you familiar with MB concepts? Where do you think you two fall in avoiding LBs and meeting neds? Where do you need to improve?

To answer your first question, you stop complaining about your spouse to your friends. Find another vent, like an anonymous blog or a diary.

No, gas is not a recurring problem and the degree of anger that my husband experienced over this frightened me.
I am familiar with the program. We are starting to try it and it is helping but the biggest problems we have are LB and following POJA. I have a hard time not talking with my friends about these problems. Also, my friends are able to see some of the problems without having me tell them and then they sometimes get upset about them and criticize my husband (to me) for hurting me. What should I do about that, besides defending my husband of course. None of them are suggesting I divorce him, but it's upsetting to me to hear them say the things they do because then I question myself for defending him and I feel bad all over again about problems that haven't been resolved.

You tell your friends to stop it. If they continue, stop spending time with them.

You have to do your part, though, and not complain about your H to them.

The answer is simple, you explain to your friends that if they are going to speak ill of your husband they are not friends of the marriage and you cannot continue to be friends with them. You talking to your friends is not working because even if you do feel better for venting...you are speaking ill of your husband and then having to defend him. This isn't working on making you feel better. What it's doing is now having you think ill of your husband while defending him at the same time.

You two need to start seriously working on those Love Busters. Order the book. Work through the Love Busters questionaire.

I know who you are now! Resolve the big issue of where to live first. You are soon to be living apart?

Ok, so no complaining about problems with relationship, plain and simple. Thank you.

Yes, I was the one who had the conflict of where to live. My husband left for Texas yesterday so we will be apart for about the next six months. I'm having a lot of anxiety about leaving but have resolved to do it and I started working the program briefly before he left. This has had a positive result so far but still am sad to leave my happy life here.
I am hopeful for the life we will have together in Texas though.

Go one better. Talk your husband UP to these women. Discourage them from bashing their husbands to you. Husband bashing is contagious, and damaging to marriages. If you have a complaint about your husband, take it to your husband. Your girlfriends are only following your lead.