Well, why did the two of you marry? It does not seem as if you wanted to "be together". What were the reasons you chose to marry each other?

AM

We got married because we loved each other, and our life goals aligned. It wasn't so much 'just a career' for me, more of a calling. I posses a very specific skill set that is desperately needed in 3rd world countries.

Our plan eventually was to be able to move overseas and do volunteer/mission work. So we figured that living apart was an acceptable means to an end. And apparently it didn't work out as planned.

Have you learned about "The love bank" yet?

LINK to Basic Concepts

You fell in love with H because you allowed HIM to fill your intimate emotional needs that made "love bank" deposits.

You moved away, and your love bank stopped receiving deposits.

I've read about similar stuff in the book The Five Love Languages, and glossed over some of the stuff on this website- seems to be somewhat similar idea.

When you committed your second adultery, and you remain dishonest about it, you keep H from coming close to you.
True intimacy requires honesty.

How old are you?

Unfortunately, my love bank wasn't receiving many deposits even before I moved away. I bought the 5 love languages book, early in our dating relationship, b/c I realized something was wrong. He read it (albeit reluctantly). I feel like I was in denial about not feeling loved. I felt needy that my love language was 'words of affection'.

almost 30

You said this:

You fell in love. Right?
He can fill you needs, can't he?

Here's my advice.
This marriage is potentially salvageable.
But, it won't be easy.

Start with honesty.
You cannot get off the stupid spot until you open up and tell H everything.
How you feel unloved.
How you had a second adultery.
Let the chips fall.

You Ok with that?

Click on the MB questionnaires & you can download them.
The EN questionnaire and the love busters questionnaire.
Present them to your H and tell him everything.
Ask him if he is willing to work on the marriage after your second adultery.

Best of luck.

First you said that your BH wouldn't move with you because he didn't want to lose out on his outdoor activities. What did you say to him when he said, "Honey, I can't do outdoor activities there, you go. Bye."?

And then, in another post, you say that you both agreed that living apart for a short time was a means to an end, with the both of you moving to foreign countries. Would he still be able to do those outdoor activities in those countries?

Actually Doro, your marriage reminds me q a lot of my own. Neither of us were willing to be honest about the stuff that truly bugged us (not wanting to be 'needy') which led to us doing a lot of independent behaviour rather than working out our marriage.

Of course all that unspoken resentment eats the lovebank away. Plus IB builds poor boundaries around the opposite sex.

And then - boom, affair.

Independent behaviour in marriage is like trying to work as a team in the two-legged race by going to separate races.



If you had been honest about the true danger to your marriage and the risks of an A taking place, and told him about the progression of an A. Im sure that would have felt risky at the time, but if you had done it you wouldnt be in this mess.

But lets focus on today. Honesty today always prevents regrets tomorrow.



Are you honestly willing to provide him with a true marriage, from this moment on, now that you have seen where the alternative gets you?

A marriage where you have a healthy integrated life, with no nights apart?

No secrets? No keeping resentment to yourself in case you 'seem needy'?

If you can tell him the truth in FULL and he doesnt D you, this site could be your salvation and provide you with the sort of m you have always dreamed of.

I didn�t come to this site for justification or to make me feel better. There are plenty of other forums/internet communtities where I could've gone if all I wanted to hear was, "You'll be better of without him" "he sounds like he treated you awful" sort of thing. I choose Marriage Builders for a specific reason. I know I sound like a train wreck and a terrible person. And I�ll be the first to admit that my heart is very hard right now. But there is at least one sliver in it that thinks that maybe my marriage is worth saving. I haven�t yet been able to decide that, but that�s why I�m here.

I believe that God can do anything, and with enough prayer, hard work, and dedication, even the most vile marriages may be saved- even if maybe the individuals shouldn�t have gotten married in the first place. If God says in the Bible (I know all of you probably don�t read the bible, but for those that do), that divorce is evil- then it must be his plan to stay married. And if it�s his plan to stay married, his plan has got to be better than whatever plan I�ve got cooked up in my head.

Someone stated "What she wants is slavish devotion, not marriage."

That�s not the case at all. I just want to know and feel like my husband thinks I�m special and that he values me. Do you know how incredibly destructive it can be in your head when your boyfriend then husband doesn�t really want to have sex with you? (and no, I�m not fat or unattractive. I�ve actually got a ridiculously nice body and face).

I�m not justifying what I did, but just explaining how truly awful I�ve ended up feeling due to our relationship (and lack of love bank deposits). While outright verbally abusive wasn�t the case, after four years of it, I do feel emotionally battered.

To already be made to feel not all that valuable, and then to come here and read
�She is not the WOMAN to be the wife of ANY man�.
�And two affairs in a short marriage? That would be a deal killer for most people. No one is worth that.�

Really? You�re telling me I�m worthless? That no man should ever want to ever be my husband? Thank you for that helpful advice. Sharing something I recently saw on facebook.

Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper,
David had an affair, Noah got drunk, Jonah
ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Martha
was a worrier, Thomas was a doubter, Sarah
was impatient, Elijah was depressed, Moses
wtuttered, Zaccheus was short, Abraham was
old, and Lazaraus was dead�.
God doesn�t call the qualified, He qualifies the Called

I refuse to believe I�m worthless. I am broken and sinful, yes. I�ve got an extremely hard heart right now, but I am here making this little effort because this is all I can do right this moment.

You�re right- I�m not there now. Not even close. But I was there after guy#1. My H would�ve have never ever known if I had not told him. I remember how terrible it was, and I�m scared sh*tless to go through that again. Thank you GloveOil for being firm yet respectful.

I don�t want to be one of those women who have 3-4 ex husbands. That�s my worst nightmare. I never wanted or planned this to happen. I feel like I�ve never really been able to experience how good a marriage Is supposed to be, so part of me doesn�t even know if/why it�s worth salvaging.

But, since I broke my leg a few weeks ago, I�ve got nothing but time to figure it out. (spare me the �karma is a b*tch� comments...even if they may apply in my case).

So, honesty yay or nay?

What did I say to him? I didn't push it b/c I was afraid to. I knew if I said, "you're coming or else!" it would be "or else". So I 'technically' agreed to him staying, even if it was by default of not 'making' him come.

Ahhh, yes- the "what kind of outdoor activities do these other countries have". Something we have discussed for sure. It would be relatively easy to agree on a specific country that had something to offer him in that regard. It's something that's always bothered me, because I have never felt nearly as important as climbing/mtn biking/skiing is to him.

To be completely honest with you- I don't know. I truly don't. Before I posted here I was absolutely 100% dead set against ever telling him about it. Take it to my grave.

I don't know what percentage I'm at right now, but I'm wavering. I'm sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear or do what is the right thing at this moment.

Thats ok. Its not my marriage.

I do see a glimmer of hope in you and I would hate to see that snuffed out.

You weren't throwing around bible quotes when you were committing adultery so your use of them now seems a little hypocritical. Hiding behind one bible quote unfortunately leaves you at odds with other scripture.

John the Baptist tells us in Matthew 3:8 to produce fruit in keeping with repentance; if we sincerely repent, we will behave differently. Who we are or how important we think we are makes no difference; we have to produce this fruit, as John commands in Luke 3:8. Repentance is a change of attitude and action, not just muttering, "Oh, I screwed up. God forgive me," and not restoring your harmed brother. Repentance should be sincere and accompanied by actions that reflect a change of heart.

No one is worth the high price that comes from staying in an abusive marriage. This is not a marriage at all cost program. In many cases divorce is the definition of success. In your case, there is nothing TO save here, except a marriage that has been bad from the start. It might be in his best interest to move on. I know if your husband was my son, I would advise him to move on.

Keep in the mind that Jesus does condone divorce in the case of adultery. You have already had 2 affairs in your very short marriage. While making it clear you place your little job above your marriage. You feel "called" to your job but apparently don't feel any calling to be what you made vows before GOD to me: a wife. Do you feel any "calling" to fulfil the vows you made before God?

What you have done to your husband is about as abusive as it gets. So no, you are not worth that. No one is worth being abused. After all, the Bible tells us not to associate with evil. And if he has any wisdom, he should strongly reconsider his future with you. This marriage has been a disaster from the start and it might not be in your husband's best interest to stay married to you.

That doesn't mean you can't change in the future. But with what you have presented here, an absolute lack of repentance, I see no signs of change. Who would buy into that?

And I would remind you that you are not the only one here with OPTIONS. Your husband might not choose to settle for you if he knows the truth. All this talk of what you want to do might be for naught because you don't get to choose for him.

Dr Harley on the policy of radical honesty:


To some extent this policy seems like motherhood and apple pie. Who would argue that it's not a good idea to be honest? But in my years of experience as a marriage counselor, I have constantly struggled with the belief of many clients that dishonesty can be a good idea under certain conditions. Moreover, pastors and counselors themselves often advise dishonesty when a spouse has committed a particularly thoughtless act, such as infidelity. And many marital therapists warn against complaining, something that some consider one of the seven deadly sins of marriage. So instead of complaining, spouses often stuff their feelings and try to put a good face on a bad situation.


Granted, dishonesty can be a good short-term solution to marital conflict. It will probably get you off the hook for a few days or months or keep the problem on the back burner. But it's a terrible long-term solution. If you expect to live with each other for the next few years and still be in love, dishonesty can get you into a great deal of trouble

My h didnt plan for me to find out.

He was super careful.

Are you?

I am very aware of what the Bible says in regards to repentance. I was not 'hiding' behind any bible quotes. What I was saying is that God would forgive me if I repent, and that he will always offer grace and forgiveness, and that I'm worth it to him. I may not get grace and forgiveness from my husband, but I can at least get it from God.


Do you honestly think I would be on this forum willing to read some really hurtful things about myself if I wasn't at least "called" a little bit to fulfill my vows?


You see no signs of change? Well it's been about 14.5 hours since I first posted. I apologize if I haven't been able to do a 180 in that amount of time.

Yeah, ridiculously so. And I'm not talking to the OM anymore, so it would be pretty difficult for him- not impossible if he really wanted, but pretty difficult.