Doro, I found when people posted to me on my thread and I got defensive it was when there was something in the post that I didn't want to do, acknowledge or confront about myself.

Really think about the posts that make you defensive. Question why.

NG is right to ask what do you want from us here? You seem to be contemplating wanting to be a better person. But what are you going to do about achieving this?

No matter how many posts you make here, we'll all say the same thing. You have to tell your BH the truth. That is not gonna change.

Do I want to tell him? Yes and No- No, b/c obviously I'm scared, and Yes, because I want to be honest. I don't think I'm necessarily defensive about what you guys are telling in regards of what I should do if I want to save the marriage. I think I'm defensive to a few people who I feel could go about saying things in a nicer manner.

I know this is the internet, but even being on the internet, it's still not easy for me to share all this stuff (and that may sound stupid to you, but so be it)
I guess I got what I wanted- an answer that deep down, I knew to be the truth and right thing, but I just didn't want to admit it or face it.

I don't know what I'm going to do about it. If I make the right decision, I'll let you guys know.

Thanks for being willing to dialogue with me. Most of you have been great, and although it might seem like I don't appreciate it, I really do.

The truth shall set you free!

You've been reading my sig, GJM!

And it will!

What do you want from us here?

I guess I got what I wanted - an answer that deep down, I knew to be the truth and right thing, but I just didn't want to admit it or face it.

Well, good, now we can get to work!

News Flash - You are NOT fhe first (just the latest) wayward wife to show up here and:
1 - Knew they needed help, but not WHAT help
2 - Initially resisted and resented the specific, unwavering discipline espoused by the posters here
3 - Eventually beagn to understand the principles that make this site work

Now comes the critical decision, DoroM, and it's yours to make:

• Do you recoil from the (admittedly unpleasant) task that you face to repair and recover your marriage?
• Do you step up to the onerous dung-shovelling the initial steps will require, eventually giving your marriage the opportunity to truly flourish?

We here, proponents and supporters of strong marriages, are watching, and hoping you choose the second path.

Well yes....and the bible..

DoroM,

My H lied about his A's (a drunken ONS in 2004 that occurred during re-deployment processing and a deployment EA/PA that lasted several months in 2007/2008 that I discovered) for nearly 6 years. During that time, he could not respect himself, suffered physical stress-related ailments and was generally miserable. He, like you, has a military background and took his oaths and the Army code seriously. Today, he is an honest man. His eyes sparkle again. He has told me that being honest is truly liberating.

You have a long life ahead of you. Be the best person possible. You will not regret it.

AM

I told him tonight, pretty much as soon as he got home from work (had been gone past 3 days). He said it's over. He didn't yell, but seemed more disbelief than anything. Feels like he's a fool b/c he already forgave me once. Said he is leaving.

I feel numb.

Right now he is cleaning the house/mopping the floors b/c the dogs made a mess, and I can't b/c I'm on crutches b/c I broke my leg.

That's why I married him- b/c he's the guy who will get out of a car to help a bum push their shopping cart up the curb. And will help his wife right after she told him she cheated on him for the 2nd time.

Okay, he's going to go through a whirlwind of emotions and actions. Assuming he does NOT physically attack you, for the next few days responses should be heavy on the "I'm sorry,", "I'll never do anything like this again", and "How can I make you feel better right now?"

Watch him for self-injurious behavior (drinking, drug usage), and be prepared to answer any and all questions as truthfully as you can.

The big one, of course, will be simply, "Why?" DO NOT deflect and cause or blame to his behavior. Until you have a much firmer grasp of your own self than you do now, it might be best to say, "I was weak, and needed something. I made an awful mistake in not coming to you. I'm sorry."

No, nothing even close to physically assaulting me.

He hasn't even raised his voice. Been very civil. I didn't have to place any blame, all I've been saying is 'I'm sorry' and "i'll do whatever I have to do to make it work". He told me he's sorry for having hurt me.

He says he doesn't even want to go down that hole, b/c he hit bottom a year and half ago when I told him about the first time I cheated on him. He says he doesn't really care what happened. He said he feels numb and maybe he's in denial. he said he feels like a fool and an idiot for forgiving me the first time.

I really think that it is over. I asked him one favor, and all I asked was for him to pray about it. I told him I knew he would probably divorce me if I told him, but telling him was the only option I had if I ever wanted to have a successful marriage with him (which I do).

I just don't think he has it in him to forgive me again.

DoroM,

MB does not talk about forgiveness. The concept Dr. Harley uses is "just compensation". After your first A, neither of you took the steps to recover the marriage. Instead, you both stuffed it down, didn't make changes and stayed unhappy. In MB, the couple is interdependent, meeting each other's most important emotional needs, and are passionately in love.

If you haven't gotten it already, get and read the book, "Surviving an Affair". It provides a PLAN to recover after an affair and to be passionately in love. Ask your husband to come here, look at Dr. Harley's videos and read the basic concepts. It is not just a question of you saying you are sorry and your H saying he forgives you. Major changes have to occur.

Whatever happens next, you did the right thing by telling him.

AM

You're totally right- we tried to make changes after the first A, and started out really good, and then we just let things slide, so we ended up where we were before the first A.

I did email him a link to this site. I don't even know if he'll look at it. He is pretty adamant about our marriage being over and not wanting to try.

He's already left to go stay with friends. I have to have surgery on my leg next week, so I'll be at my parents house recovering after surgery. (thankfully it was already planned that way).

Question- if I direct him here to this site (I had sent a him a link to the forum), which particular page should I direct him to?

I doubt he'll read anything at all, but if he does, I'd want it to be something good.

I've read a fair amount on the site, but there is just so much info, I figure you guys might have an opinion on which direction?

Doro - it was a marriage in name only really - you were never ever really married. 2 can't become 1 when you don't even live together.

Your 'husband' may feel differently given some time. Who knows - however you aren't really good marriage material right now - you are a serial adulterer and unless you sort out your obvious character flaws history will repeat with any future partner.

Good luck.

Well, we do live together now. And yes, after reading through the POJA, I realize that we were living in conflict the whole time- yes, our marriage was not healthy.

Yes, I made two huge mistakes. After I told him about the first one, we didn't take the correct steps to truly fix our marriage. I cheated again. And I told him about it, b/c I truly do want to be married to him. I'm in IC, trying to work through stuff.

I understand that you have your opinions about my relationship, but it really hurts that I'm here in a place called marriage builders, and you seem to be bent on disparaging the marriage we did have, instead of helping us fix it.

I get it that there are huge issues, but are we the most terrible situation to come through here? Am I hopeless as a person? I feel like you're telling me not to even try- and that breaks my heart. I DO want to try to save it. Because I know it could be wonderful.

Doro, firstly, well done on telling the truth to your BH. I heard your fear before you did it, and right now, your worst fear has happened. Your BH has left and is not wanting to recover the marriage at this point in time.

"Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear." You have made your first step in becoming a better person.

You can't stop there. Right now your BH is in shock and denial, as you said. He is still trying to pick himself off the floor, hell, he probably doesn't even know right now that he is on the floor. This is your chance to keep showing you will be a better person, you can become a better wife.

As AM suggested, you need to get SAA pronto. You need to follow the plans not only for a better marriage if your BH commits, but so you can learn and grow into the person you want to be.

Now you have told the truth, your marriage has a much better shot than yesterday. He may decide it is over - that is his right - but few betrayed spouses are capable of permanent decisions this early. I would now concentrate on going NC with OM. Write him an NC letter and give it to your H so he can mail it if he wants. He may or may not want it but I would make the gesture

Not sure what you have read on this site Doro. Here is a link to "Four Rules to Recovery After An Affair".

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Right now your BH might not be receptive to any of this. That does not matter, as right now you need to get Plan A'ing him with no expectations. You also need to get thinking on your list of EP's. This is vital, not only to show your BH that you are willing to make changes and become transparent, but also so you don't relapse with OM or even begin another affair.

See, right now, you are vulnerable to another affair and your LB$ will be screaming to be topped up. It would be too easy to fall back into topping your LB$ up by another man meeting your EN's. Be aware of this. And get your list of EP's together to stop that from happening.

I'm no vet and haven't had a shot at marriage recovery, but I am working on being a better person in case WH becomes the man I want to recover with. If not, I am becoming a better me for a relationship in the future and once divorced. I am closely watching my boundaries around men because I don't want to have an affair and know I am vulnerable to one. As you are still foggy, you need to be super super careful about this.

Now I'll wait for the vets to arrive with better advice...

Yeah, it sucked for sure. But no matter what happens I'm glad I did it.

I did just order SAA. Wish they had kindle version. Before I told him, I emailed a very firm NC letter to the OM. (before it had been, 'well, we can't talk, let's not email' sort of thing)

I've emailed my parents, my sister and her husband, along with his parents, and his brother and his wife and informed them what I've done. I apologized and said I do still want to be married to him and I want to save our marriage.

I don't know what else to do right now besides pray.

Doro, its great that you are exposing the affair and have sent a NC letter. I suggest you do one in your own handwriting if you have his address, so he will know you are serious. And give your BH a copy of it. Ask him to post it with you, if he refuses, let him know you are doing it yourself by registered mail, and do it. Give him the receipt. This is important regardless of whether your BH is interested right now or not.

Here is a good example to change to suit:

OM,
I want you to know that out of respect and love for my H and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that H did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay H for the pain I have caused him, I will do my best to become the wife he has been missing. I care a gread deal for miy family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely,
DoroM