Also, as part of your EP's, you need to get rid of all contact avenues with OM. Delete his email addy, get rid of phone numbers, anything he gave you, any trigger that will remind you of him and the A. Absolutely everything. Block his email address. Were you in touch on FB? If so, close your FB account down. No avenues whatsoever.

Exposure of the A helps you remain accountable in future. It is a very important step. Is your BH aware that you are exposing? It is likely this will filter back to him.

What about friends? Were there any friends that enabled your affair? Covered for you, lied, knew about the affair? If so, you need to NC them as well.

No. NC letter is for your H to read and mail. It is just compensation for him. Email is usually not considered a good format anyway.

The more Just Compenstion ACTIONS you give him and display, the better he will feel about trusting you.

I would consider ditching the IC. ICs tell you to be 'happy' without doing the work and let you vent.

your money would prob be better spent on Steve Harley who can coach you through what actions you should be dispalying to best reassure your H.

If your H is willing to read here, would he speak with Steve on the phone do you think?

Have you seen the NC letters on this site? It should be worded that way

I had read the other infidelity pages, but not that. Thank you. You're right. Completely unreceptive. Just from reading other posts, Plan A (haven't read article yet about it), is basically loving on them? Or is it more specific? I will work on the EP's tomorrow. My eyes are so sore, and I'm so tired, but I'm afraid I won't be able to sleep.

That's how this affair happened- after the 1st one, we never really made EP's, we did some work/read some books, saw a counselor a little bit. It makes me sick to my stomach to read all this stuff, b/c if we had been here on MB the first time around I'm 100% confident, I would not be here now. Can't change the past though, so I will on future, and yes- no matter what happens, at least I can work on myself as a person.

Oh- I didn't know NC letter was supposed to be hard copy. My letter was pretty much worded the same way. I don't have OM address, and I already got rid of all contact info, deleted phone number, deleted pictures he was in, I'd have to unblock him on Facebook to even get his address- and I'm assuming that's not advisable?

He knew I told my parents. He doesn't know about my sister and his family. He had said he was going to call them at some point anyway. I'm hoping it does get back to him, because I begged him last time to not tell his family. (which of course, now I regret).

Since this all happened when I was away on military training, none of my 'normal' life people were there. The blessing is, that the OM lives far away(multiple states, and it would be a freak accident if we ever saw each other again.

As for the IC, I do have appt tomorrow that I can't cancel or I'll lose $, but I'd be open to switching to Harley. As for my husband? At this point, I don't even know if he's opening to reading on this site, much less talking with Harley.

Hey, I guess I'm a bit confused- Just read about Plan A- which someone said to do. How does that still apply if I'm not talking to OM? Does it apply in the sense of POJA stuff? I guess it seemed more of stuff the BS does when the WS is in an ongoing affair. Unless there were other articles, I didn't see.

Well, what you probably read is Plan A as it pertains to a betrayed spouse dealing with a spouse in an active affair.

However, the general idea for Plan A is this; meet your husbands emotional needs, and avoid Love Busters.

You can read over both of those (ENs and LBs) in the Basic Concepts section.

For instance; you can meet your husband's need for an Attractive Spouse (AS) by making sure to look and smell your best EVERY DAY. My wife, for instance, surprised me one night when I got home by being dressed to the tops, and having me come home to that and a spotless bedroom with candles and incense.

This was after years of her living in sweats and putting more effort to look good to go to Walmart than she ever thought to look good for her own husband.

Just read about Plan A...How does that still apply?

I hope you were able to get some sleep. It's unfortunate that BH felt the need to get some distance between you, as the range of reactions he's going to experience would be best done in your proximity. (Think "ingesting poison and not being able to retch it up")

Anyway, the basis of the MB system rests on three key principles:
1 - Open (and if necessary, Radical) Honesty, which means the couple cannot maintain secrets from each other
2 - Undivided Attention, which is the commitment to a regimen of spending 15 - 20 hours with each other, not distracted by outside activities
3 - Emotional Needs (EN), and their satisfaction.

(You can see in your own situation the price to be paid for failing to satisfy the first two principles.)

Plan A speaks to super-satisfaction of the partner's ENs. (You can find listing of the key ENs on this site. They typically vary greatly by gender, and slightly by the individual person.) The archetypical Plan A is employed by a BS, trying to remind/convince a recalcitrant WS to abandon the wayward life and fully return to the marriage. In a larger sense, though, the concept of Plan A is applicable to all of us, in the way of being, for example, the best DoroM possible.

I would request that you remind yourself of your mindset when you opened this thread. Then, knowing that your marriage was seriously damaged, you were thinking of ending it. Now, maybe seeing the potential to repair your marriage, you are hoping to do so. No one here can predict what your BH might choose to do. (If he does come here, he should open his own thread on SAA, and the two of you should strictly ignore the other's.) But you will be a better person for fighting this fight, and not abjectly bailing.

Doro you have. To steel yoursself for battle - a fight for your marriage. Its not easy to give with no expectations and to endure anger calmly. Try to figure out your h's top ENs. You mentioned he likes outdoor activities so recreational companionship might be a high one

Got it. Thanks. I know for a fact he's not all that enthralled my PJ pants.

Not so much happening in the sleep department...when he left here last night, he went to stay at some friends houses. A couple that encouraged him to work it out with me after the first time. I don't know if they'll be so encouraging the second time. Either way, I'm glad he's with them.
Yes, I was definitely aware our marriage was seriously damaged. I guess when I opened this thread, I was looking at divorce as the only option, b/c I was too much of a coward to tell him the truth. I knew that with God, hard work, honesty, dedication- that the rest of our issues could be fixed. But even if we fixed our issues, I knew we could never truly have a satisfying marriage if I was lying to him for the rest of our lives.

When I first posted, telling him wasn't even a possibility in my head- so I didn't see a whole lot of options. You know? I eventually knew I would have to tell him. I have made some huge mistakes, but lying to him (either divorcing or staying) was a line I wasn't ready to cross. So I knew I would have to tell him. Before I did, I had to be very honest with myself about what I should do after he told me he wanted to end it. Do I just say 'ok' and let it go and not try- not tell him I truly want to be married to him? I questioned DID I truly want to be married to him. After a lot of prayer/reflection, I came to the conclusion that 'Yes', I truly do want to be married to him, and despite my lack of respect for our marriage vows, I wanted to do everything I could to make it work. I know that if we go about marriage the healthy way, it would be truly amazing.
Unfortunately, I have a gut feeling. But I'm clinging on to hope right now. And yes, I think I have a lot of work to do on myself.

I'm trying to prepare myself to fight for our marriage. He hasn't even hit the anger stage. He was very matter of fact- like, "Okay, well we're done".

Yes, I know that recreational companionship is a high one for him. The issue is, I literally can't participate in any outdoor activities (even if he wanted to hang out with me). I'm on crutches for a quite a while longer d/t my broken leg. I feel like I'm fighting w/ one hand b/w my back. Even looking nice and getting out of pj pants is going to be hard, b/c I don't have many clothes that work with the cast. I'll try to get creative.

I have an open question for you guys. So I've mentioned I broke my leg a few weeks ago. I'm scheduled to have surgery in about a week. My surgery is scheduled in another state (where the injury occurred) d/t the doctors who originally took care of the injury, and my parents being able to help take care of me, b/c my mom doesn't work and is home.

I think I could cancel that surgery date, find a surgeon here and have all my info transferred to where I live. Last night when BH left, he asked when I was leaving for my surgery, with the intent that he was going to stay gone at friends place, until I was out of town.

I know that we need to spend time together, but I'm not sure what to do- if I change the surgery to here, that means I'll be here in case he does want to see me, but I'll also effectively be making him find some place else to stay (meaning, he did not seem like he would ever want to stay here, if I was here).

Also means, unless I can find a friend to take time off work(not sure if would even be possible) I might be alone at my house after my surgery, and that might be somewhat physically impossible.

The upside of things, is that if he does decide he wants to see me, I have QUITE the amount of time off from work, b/c I can't do what I do with crutches.

You should change your cell number and get a new email address as OM may very well try to contact you when he gets that NC letter.

Telling your husband that you've changed those things would be helpful as well.

Sorry, no real advice on your living situation with the surgery, but your husband may desire to live in his own home and you elsewhere. You might ask him what he wants to do here and offer to stay somewhere else. He, after all, didn't cheat and should not be the one living out of a suitcase. I imagine that he'd appreciate the gesture.

Personally, I would go to your mother's for the surgery and then try to reconcile later. Staying there would force him to take care of you and that is not fair to him. Let him grieve and think this over.

Doro,

I just made it through your thread and wish to share a few thoughts as a former BH.

For starters, the reason you cheated is simple. You have terrible boundaries when it comes to the opposite sex. There is no such thing as innocent flirting when you�re married. There are strict barriers that must be erected when you�re married and infidelity is something that must be guarded against at all times.

My wife told me the other day, �I will never cheat on you.�

I told her that I didn�t like absolute statements. I told her that I�d rather hear that she would do whatever it took to keep our marriage strong so that she was never tempted to or in a situation where she would be tempted.

I didn�t word it right at first and it came out wrong. It�s become an inside joke between us. The way I worded it at first made it sound like I wouldn�t reciprocate her statement to her because I was barely hanging on with all the temptation around me. I joke with her now about how I had to fend off 3 or 4 women throwing themselves at me while I walked to my after work.

It�s a joke, but it isn�t. Marriage is to be protected and infidelity is to be guarded against at all times in a marriage since we are all susceptible to it under the right circumstances.

Honestly, if your H came to this forum, I would tell him that he was young, had no kids with you, and was only married a very short time. I�d tell him that there are millions other women out there he could have a clean start with and that divorcing you would be little more than a glorified breakup with paperwork since you have no kids.

You see, throwing kids into this makes things 100x worse.

He�s forgiven you once. I was willing to forgive once as well. Twice? That�s one time too many.

I�m happily remarried to a wonderful woman right now. If, however, she betrayed me I would walk away and not look back and vow to give up on dating again until my kids were grown and out of the house since she and I have no kids together.

There is nothing about you that makes you unique or special in terms of a relationship. He can easily find what he has with you with someone else and not deal with the emotional trauma of infidelity and rebuilding trust.

I�m not telling you this to bash on you. I�m telling you this as the honest truth of what I�d say to him if he was here asking for advice. There�s nothing about you that he can�t have with someone else.

There�s no kids. You�re young and he�s young. I�d tell him to bail and count his blessings that he doesn�t have to have a custody fight with you.

So if he doesn�t forgive, then you�ve made your bed. It�s a good lesson to learn for any future husband you may have.

Now, as far as his lack of willingness to move: I can see his mentality. School is a temporary endeavor. You go, do your thing, get your degree, then come back. Odds are he viewed marriage as the lifetime commitment it is and your schooling as a temporary burden to bear with long term payoff. I�m a former pilot and a man and can see his perspective on this.

As far as separation early in marriage goes: I know plenty of couples who dealt with early separations due to military commitments and they came through it just fine without resentment or cheating. The reason you cheated has to do more with your own poor boundaries couples with your unrealistic expectations about marriage.

Moving, even as a pilot, isn�t easy. Pilots, especially, depend a great deal on building seniority within a company, so moving to start over isn�t as easy as it sounds.

But you�re missing the forest for the trees. Your education was and is a temporary burden for your marriage if it was a committed marriage built on solid foundations and based on two people have solid boundaries.

You lack those boundaries. Build them up. Learn from this, regardless of the outcome.

Your H has every right to not forgive a second betrayal, but we�re willing to talk to him if HE desires to save your marriage.

But stop with all the stuff about how you felt neglected, etc. It doesn�t matter. He is the one betrayed and he is the one who must forgive that if he so chooses. He didn�t wish to move. Ok. Doesn�t justify what you did and it merely shows how short term your thinking is.

A good man is hard to find. It sounds to me like he�s a man who would be a good dad if he�s as willing to help others as you say.

And you overlook one big advantage of being a pilot: You�re home half the month fulltime. That�s a lot of quality time you could be spending together to make up for the time he�s out.

Thanks. I did offer to leave now, or leave much earlier than the surgery, but he told me not to. That it was my house too.

Then just leave when the time is scheduled for your surgery.

Trees = Wouldn't move to be with me while I pursued my education which is a temporary situation in the grand scheme.

Forest = I'm married to a good man who would be a good dad to my kids someday so dealing with this temporary situation is worth it for him so I will keep my boundaries up to avoid temptation while we're separated and will only hang out with and make female friends here or find other ways to entertain myself.