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Hello,
I am new on this and sure this has been covered before, so if there is a link to a different forum, plesae post it. My problem is that my wife just found out about a sexting and photo affair I was having with a old crush from my youth. It went on for approx 3 months and we are just in the begrinning stages of trying to save our marriage. My question is: since this was done via my phone and computer, what is the best way to build trust with my wife so that we can reconcile, when I am away from her? I know that there is NO trust currently and she is constantly digging for more information and things tying me to the other woman (who I have totally cut ties with).
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Hello,
I am new on this and sure this has been covered before, so if there is a link to a different forum, plesae post it. My problem is that my wife just found out about a sexting and photo affair I was having with a old crush from my youth. It went on for approx 3 months and we are just in the begrinning stages of trying to save our marriage. My question is: since this was done via my phone and computer, what is the best way to build trust with my wife so that we can reconcile, when I am away from her? I know that there is NO trust currently and she is constantly digging for more information and things tying me to the other woman (who I have totally cut ties with). Does she have access to all your passwords, cell phone bills, etc? And secondly, I would send a no contact letter to the OW. Is she married? Can you send your wife here?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2012
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Make sure you have NO CONTACT with that person. Write a rule in your email client to auto delete/purge everything from that person. Or just delete your account and create a new one. For the phone, block that number. Give your wife your passwords to EVERYTHING.
If you've not done it yet, admit to it. Get it out in the air. The sooner you fess up the better. It might be painful but you need to do this to start the healing process.
She should read the articles on having an affair that are listed on here.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the plan in it. In the meantime, here is how the affair should end [in addition to informing the OW's husband, if any]: My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Jan 2012
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She has access to the phone bills, most passwords and can freely browse my cell phone.
I sent a no contact text to the OW with my wife sitting right beside me. The OW is divorced. I am letting my wife know all of the things that this site says to do to close the door, but she continues to dig and dig.
I am trying to get my wife on the site, but she just started a new job and hasen't had time.
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Joined: Jan 2012
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I changed my phone number and have blocked everything I can think of and have even closed or deleted anything I was ever attached to the OW on.
It is out in the open, and it's of course very painful, but my wife has deep seeded trust issues (that she had prior to our marrige) that I have asked her to see someone about.
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Joined: Apr 2001
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She has access to the phone bills, most passwords and can freely browse my cell phone.
I sent a no contact text to the OW with my wife sitting right beside me. The OW is divorced. I am letting my wife know all of the things that this site says to do to close the door, but she continues to dig and dig. That is great. The more she investigates, the more reassured she will be. If she will come here I will give her more effective digging tools. What is she digging for specifically? Does she have the full name of the OW? And the OW might not be divorced. Has your wife verified that?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It is out in the open, and it's of course very painful, but my wife has deep seeded trust issues (that she had prior to our marrige) that I have asked her to see someone about. Her "trust issues" are very rational and legitimate. Obviously you shouldn't be trusted. What does she need to see someone about? You can't cure normal.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Problematic, do you have opposite sex friendships? Do you travel without her?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2011
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It is out in the open, and it's of course very painful, but my wife has deep seeded trust issues (that she had prior to our marrige) that I have asked her to see someone about. What do you mean by this? Is this a reference to not trusting you or former partners due to infidelity? I am letting my wife know all of the things that this site says to do to close the door, but she continues to dig and dig. Smart woman. She should not take face value that this was an emotional affair to the degree you admit it is - few cheaters are willing to admit the truth (putting forth crumbs) and she is wise to keep digging.
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Joined: May 2008
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Problematic,
One of the requirements after an affair is to change the conditions that made the affair possible. You should probably not have any access to a computer without your wife being present and you should only use a phone that your wife can track your activity.
Do you live a distance away from OW or is she in your geographic area? Did you ever see OW in person?
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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I have many opposite sex friendships, always have.
I do not travel without her.
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OW lives 500 miles away and I never intended to make the affair physical in person.
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She is digging for details that, from what I have read on this site, are negative Love Units, and won't help in the healing process.
She knows the full name of the OW and knows she is divorced.
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I have many opposite sex friendships, always have. That is why you shouldn't be trusted. The problem is not her lack of trust, but your lack of boundaries. Her reaction is a rational response to your risky behavior. You shouldn't be trusted.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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She is digging for details that, from what I have read on this site, are negative Love Units, and won't help in the healing process. Oh no, it is positive love units and greatly helps in her healing. The more digging she does, the more reassured she will be. You should WELCOME it. Please send her here to me so I can give her some more effective spy tactics. We are pros at it!!  Your objections to her snooping is a HUGE RED FLAG that should motivate her to STEP UP her snooping.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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She is digging for details that, from what I have read on this site, are negative Love Units, and won't help in the healing process. Your objections don't make any sense. You complain that she doesn't trust you and then you complain that she is "digging." If digging helps her establish trust, then why wouldn't you welcome it? How in the WORLD would her snooping cause "negative" love units unless you have something to hide? What are you hiding?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Oct 2011
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Problematic,
It seems like you want your wife to just get over this and trust you again. A text here, a little disclosure there, "I didn't plan to meet her in person" (yeah, they all say that).
Are you committed to FULL recovery which will take years in order for her to regain trust? Are you will to spend that time to EARN trust again? If so, people can help.
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I am totally willing to put in the time and effort and will shortly be beginning counceling to help me become a better husband.
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I am totally willing to put in the time and effort and will shortly be beginning counceling to help me become a better husband. Then what is the problem with her "digging?" Why would this be a negative thing for you? You do realize that your wife has no reason to trust you, especially when you have opposite sex friendships? Your marriage has already been hit by a bus; why would you risk it again? \ I get the sense that you are posting here in an attempt to get validation to make your wife STOP "digging." Are you trying to gaslight her? Was the intent to solicit a response to use against her to make her stop?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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