Go get the surgery done. Here are the reasons:

A mandatory (as opposed to optional) isolation is not a terrible thing (Absence and the heart...) when some serious soul searching is needed.

Your immediate medical needs would providentially provide an excuse for him to not yield to manly outrage and make hasty decisions that he may regret later. (THIS one is the key thing we'd like to instill in his consciousness if/when he comes here.)

Your enforced convalescence will provide you ample time to correspond by written media. If you have ever written a love-letter from your heart, my friend, this would be a good time.

And, possibly less seriously, being "the best DoroM extant" is likely to require two good legs sooner than later.

You're completely right. Regardless of the outcome, I'm going to have to learn this. I want to be a better person, someone with good character.
I get that you're not bashing. Yeah, it stings and makes me feel even more hopeless, but I understand.
That's the way we saw it- temporary burden, didn't seem that bad when we'd have the rest of our lives together. I don't think that either one of us realized how bad our foundation was. Re: the seniority, it wasn't an issue of that. He would've kept his seniority. This is totally besides the point at this time, but I understood the seniority thing, and that wasn't the issue.
I do have a question, when you say you're willing to help him if HE wants to save our marriage. If he comes here wanting to save it, you aren't going to tell him to drop me b/c it's not worth it? Just curious. I think I did drop the 'neglected' bit, at least I wasn't aware that I brought it up after I said that I told him. I know nothing justifies what I did. You know, after I told him about the first time, I was very angry- very bitter, not that I thought he deserved it, but maybe subconsciously I thought that. And I/we didn't address it sufficiently. This time, it's different- it's more of a deep heartbreak. I can't even believe I'm in this place in my life.

Thanks for being upfront.

The forest part was how I went into it. Even though I ended up being hurt b/c I saw trees. I failed miserably.

If he comes here wanting to save it, you aren't going to tell him to drop me b/c it's not worth it?

You OBVIOUSLY did not get enough sleep!

Has ANYTHING on this site been slanted toward ENDING marriages? We are probably the most pro-marriage group of posters you will ever find.

DoroM,

FYI. Another excellent resource here is the MB radio show. It is on M-F at 1200 Central time. You can also click on the "Listen now" button and the most recent show will play. I mention this because Dr. Harley and his wife Joyce offer advice on the show. Once on the show, Dr. Harley often follows up personally with couples and send MB books. It is a tremendous opportunity to get one-on-one advice from the couple who has a great track record for recovering marriages after infidelity.

Did I read earlier the you were seeing an IC? If so, a waste of time. Most have no clue how to heal a marriage after cheating.

AM

Thanks- I wasn't sure if it would seem like I was abandoning him again, and like I didn't really care about saving our marriage if I left the state to have surgery.

Will work on the love-letter. Would it be bad to include EP's in a letter? I don't know if he'll want to talk to me long enough to talk about that. But I know he'll at least read what I write him.

Haha. Yes, you're right on the sleep thing. I guess I just got worried hearing the 'he should bail bit'. Even though it all makes sense. Just makes me feel quite hopeless.

I'll look into the show. Yes, to the IC. Have an appt this afternoon that I might as well go to. Had another one later this week, that I can cancel. Clearly, it didn't work last time, so I'm going to take your advice on this one.

edited to add- just filled out info to set up appt with Harley. (yikes about the cost!)

In the past few days, I know I came across a thread that had a huge list of EP's in it. I've been searching and searching, but for the life of me can't find it. Anybody know what I'm talking about? I'm working on some right now- some are quite obvious to me, but I know if I had examples, there is going to be stuff that either A) haven't thought of or B) don't realize it's so important b/c I'm dense.

also have appt with Harley tomorrow afternoon. Still meeting with my IC this afternoon, b/c if I don't I'll lose $120, but am planning on canceling the others.

Although it is going to be rough on my psyche to not have her telling me that I'm still a wonderful person, and not challenge me...cough cough.

Oh you're in the right place to be challenged!

Why not use that appointment to say that although the full responsibility for having an A is yours, you are curious as to why she did not guide you and why she encouraged you to buckle to your fears? You're paying you can say what you like. Ask for a refund. She might learn something.

As for what we would tell your BH like any BS I would tell them to leave any permanent decisions for six months as the feelings are too raw (you can't give this advice tho!)

I would tell him its his right to D you but that if he wants to make it work he has to insist on transparency and proof from you U no 'trusting' 'forgiveness' or 'privacy' to encourage a false recovery

...rough on my psyche to not have her telling me that I'm still a wonderful person, and not challenge me...

Tell her she doesn't have a leg to stand on! (Ooooops, that's you!)

Oh no, she has one, and a crutch.

I would tell the I/C about MB, and DrH. Maybe she can help someone some day.

I do want to tell you something about what you said about your BH though. If he really wants to divorce you and not try, we will point him to the info to show him that he and you CAN have a mutually satisfying marriage, BUT if he decides that he still wants to divorce you, we won't stand in his way. It's every BSs right. We'll suggest him not to make a decision right away, but none of us will tell him that he doesn't have the right to divorce you, if he so wishes. Just so you are clear about that.

Now, don't run because of that. You can still learn many things from this site, and become a better person, even if you wind up divorced. Either way, the tools here will show you how to have a better new marriage, either with your BH or with someone else.

You're doing the right things here so far. Keep it up.

Oh, I have TWO crutches. So really, I'm coming out ahead. (unless we're talking about walking speed, then I am very far behind)...
I will most likely tell her about MB, and why I probably won't be coming back.

I understand that you wouldn't stand in his way if that's what he decides he really wants, but I guess I read that one post and had a paralyzing fear that if he came here and wanted to try, someone would say, "oh, just ditch her". I realize, I'm not the greatest catch at the moment...but I know I have potential. I've been running from God for a long time. And have 'cheated' on Him, more times than I can count. So how is it that surprising I would do it in my marriage?

Oh- and I don't plan on running away anytime soon...thanks for the encouragement.

Doro,

Since you might be facing some time away, use that time to do something extraordinary.


Put your money where your mouth is.


Visit a lawyer and have a post-nup drawn up; make sure it very clearly states that if you ever again let someone dip their finger in your honey pot, that you get NOTHING (say, no more than 25% of marital assets, no spousal support) from the marriage.

Put your MONEY where your mouth is.

I would definitely be willing to do that, (am working on my EP list right now, so I'll add something of that nature). Only issue is, it probably won't mean all that much, because I have a huge earning potential on my own. I'm not sure if I offered HIM spousal support, if he'd be offended or not. Even now, when we were talking about paying off our CC bills, I had mentioned trying to get his truck fixed, and he didn't even seem to want me to pay for that. What do you think?

I'd leave it with you not seeking alimony or child support, but you might add a note for him to let you know if there's something else that he'd like to add.


I'd drop the car repair thing for now.

Hey Doro, Of course we would never tell a BS to 'run' from a WS who was making every effort, paying just compensation and getting down to clean up the mess. The whole point of this site is that there is always hope where there is sincerity and action. Hope for you as an individual if nothing else.

I would hazard a guess that that was your guilt talking.

It must have been quite something to hide from all this time. Like a bad debt, it just keeps getting bigger when you hide from it.

Is the truth feeling freer yet?

What you may begin to see, is that no matter what your BHs choice, you heal your own wounds and self despair with Just Compensation actions.

You get your dignity back.

That pretty cool really isnt it?



Do you know what his top ENs are Doro? You will need to start thinking of that to Plan A him.

If he has a FS need, that would do a lot for his lovebank. Most men do not - but some do.

If he doenst I would just make a big deal about leaving with nothing but the clothes on your back.

That makes it more about the principle of the matter: i.e. you dont feel you deserve your share.

I just want to make sure you understood "putting your money where your mouth is."

Putting your words into action was the meaning behind it. Not trying to insult your intelligence.

Yes, the truth felt better the second I told him. I don't think my biggest fear is that he'll choose divorce (although that's my close second biggest), but that if he does, I will fall back into my old self/habits and keep running, and I really don't want that. I don't want to be 60, regretting how I'm handling my life now.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure. Some of them are really hard to accomplish with a broken leg. And I will probably break the other leg trying to clean...but I'm still gonna try.
He doesn't make much, but can support himself- although not our rent by himself. To be honest, we don't have much. We rent our house, and don't have much saved (just finished school). If I left him all the furniture and a lot of my junk for him to deal with, he'd probably be MORE pissed at me. Other than that, there's not anything for me to take BUT my clothes.

He's going to stay here in the house when I'm gone for surgery, and I'm pretty sure when I come back, he wouldn't accept me helping pay the rent if I stayed somewhere else. I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, I'm leaving in a few days, and he'll be here for a few months at least.

I knew you meant action (that meant something as opposed to talking), but you were also talking about $$...

I hadn't thought of that particular EP