Scotty! You read my mind!
I was just going to ask for help to stop snooping.
I feel like an addict and was so tempted to go snooping again and see what's he's up to. Specially now that he is away, he might use less text (which I do not have access) and more e-mail.
I hear you!!!
Thanks for the offer to help my IM. I will let her know.

Well how about this for keeping you accountable, you'll have to admit it HERE, and we will be lovingly hitting you with GIANT 2x4's

Like so.

That's too funny. Thanks for keeping me on track. I will post here if I dare to snoop after that!

Ummm no missy You shall NOT peak again so as not to have us give you those 2x4s, we don't like it ya know.

This is so hard. I want to know what's going on, but then I will never get enough distance from him so I can stay strong, right?

Absolutely. You need to ensure that you have NO KNOWLEDGE of what he is doing to help you heal.

Doing Plan B with small children is a bit harder than without because those holes can't be plugged up.

Do you have a visitation schedule set up? Do you have a plan for how drop offs and pick ups will go?

Are all of his things in storage yet?

That makes my blood boil. Plan B this friend of his also... he's must be wayward himself.


ETA: Plan B will protect you from this crap. No more snooping.

Just had a long talk with my IM. We are working on closing the holes.
I will prepare a calendar for WH with dates and pick up/drop off times. WH can review it and then we are set.
I am thinking twice a week plus Sunday. Is it too much? Maybe I should propose once a week plus Sunday and then see how he reacts?
IM is worried to cut off communications if WH wants to come back. I told her WH knows what he needs to do if he really wants to come back, no worries about that.
The other hole (huge) is his stuff. He still has things here.
I will change the locks on Monday (before he is back from his trip, and confessing I am scared of his reaction to that...).
Then if he needs anything, he can tell IM, I will pack up and he can set up a date with IM and pick up remaining things from garage (or storage if I am strong enough to do it).
After that happen once, the rest I can surely pack up and move to the storage...
I know I was suppose to have done it already, but he has so much crap I got overwhelmed. Once he is back and out, I think my mind will become much clear.
Indie, Scotty - reading your Plan B posts... sorry for what you went through. I can see myself saying and living the same things. Hopefully soon I will be in a better place, as you are now.

That was the intent of Indie's thread. It was to show OTHERS what IS possible. It helped me a lot too. Re-reading where I was. I only got 50 pages in, and then I added the update from my 2 year mark. There was still a lot in there, but I didn't want to make Indie's PB thread a GIANT one.

As far as visitation, what would be best for your children and YOU? Tell your WH what you want. Let HIM figure out what he needs to do, and when, it's not YOUR problem anymore.

I think that is a MAJOR hurdle for a BW to "get" at first. You have spent many years taking care f everything for your WH, planning things for him, making sure his life was in order, and now, IT'S UP TO HIM. You'll need to let it go.

Now, about his stuff, you need to get it out of there. Firstly, it is a trigger for YOU, and secondly, it keeps him tied to your place, giving him reason to try to get in. Take that away from him.

Also, your IM should be used as little as possible.

Even 2 years in, when I see that I have an email from my IM, my heart starts racing. Adrenaline starts pumping and I brace myself for what I am about to read. I am a bit of a mess for a few minutes. It still effects me. I try to use the IM as rarely as possible, as a result. I also have a very good IM. She knows that I am not going to back down when I say what I want, so she will argue with my WH if necessary. I won't know of course, because she won't tell me.

The IM is the backbone for your GREAT Plan B, use her.

I have notified the mods that if you wish to have my email addy, you are welcome to it.

Hang Tough, you're doing GREAT.

I've been having good couple of days, trying not to obsess too much about the future. Yesterday we celebrated DS birthday and it was fun.
Sundays are tough. It is usually a day we spend at home, so it's just me and DSs today...
I've been reading in other posts how even good parents became bad parents when waywards and in case of D.
So far, WH hs been calling every day from his trip. I have the impression he will be getting the kids twice a week at least.
How does it deteriorate and should I do anything to try to keep the relationship ok?
Thanks for advice on this area! WH is not the most mature person in the world so any negative reaction from kids might trigger negative reaction from his side, I think. I know I cannot control that, but should I even try to minimize it for kid's sake?

Locksmith is here changing the locks. I feel so wrong doing this... WH is coming back from trip on Friday. He is not suppose to come to the house anymore so it shouldn't be an issue, but still I feel so weird...

In my case, I didn't need to change the locks, because I got all of my keys back from my WH, but I kept his set, because I didn't feel right giving it to someone else. Sounds stupid now, though.

It's a lock. It's your peace of mind.

Sorry, I only just read this post now too.

While you shouldn't keep your children away from your WH, and you shouldn't speak poorly about him, it is also not your responsibility right now to ensure that their relationship is a good one. That is between your WH and the children.

AS long as you make it clear to the children that you don't hate their dad, you just can't condone what he is doing, and that you don't want them to take sides, you should be fine.

It's going to be hard for the kids, but you do your best with them while you can and NEVER demonize their dad in front of them.

Do you have visitations all figured out? twice a week? How are you handling the exchanges?

Did you get my email addy yet?

Hi Scotty,
Thanks! I prepared a letter to WH (from IM). It is stated visitation, etc. She will e-mail it to him upon his return. He will just pick up kids from the house(when he arrives kids go out) and drop them off at the house(kids come in by themselves). He's been calling kids every day, so even if I don't speak with him, it is tough...
I found an e-mail today from him, as recent as July 2011 (pre-A), stating that he is lucky to have me in his life. How things can change so much so fast???
How do I get your e-mail? Not sure who to ask...

Okay, do your children know what to do for exchanges? What is the plan? Is your WH going to do as mine and call the children when he arrives? They will walk out while you lock the door behind them? Then, when he brings them back, they will wait until he drives away before they knock on the door? COuld they perhaps use the backdoor, or a side door? Enter through a garage? You need to be able to control every aspect if the exchanges because your WH will use these times to try to break your Plan B. Also, your children may find it hard to enforce this if your WH pushes too hard. Is there anyway that someone else can be there for the first little while? They can be the one who actually locks and then opens the door. You could be gone, or in your room, so you don't know what is going on(gone would be my choice). I really believe that the first few times will be when he tries to break it. And whatever you do, DON'T LOOK OUT THE WINDOWS.

Is he getting the every other weekend and every Wednesday minimum?

When your WH calls your children, for now, you should leave the room. It's tempting to listen, and if you hear his voice, you will miss him even more. I don't ever talk when my WH phones my children(although now they only answer when they are actually going with him on the weekend). I don't want him to even hear my voice.

We can see if his car is in front of the house and the kids can go out. Maybe a call is better, take out the "waiting" from the equation.
Last time he drop them off and stayed in the car, but I can see how he could get out and try to make contact also.
It is very hard to be home for exchanges but I wonder if I am not home that WH might want to come inside with kids and hang out with them at home. I really do not want this to happen (and I cannot expect any babysitter or even IM to block him).
A side door might work, or coming through the garage, that might work also. Great ideas, thanks.
I am proposing every Wednesday (pick up from after school, take them to dinner and bring them home by 7:30/8) and every Sunday (10 - 4)(no overnights for now, don't know if kids will want that, it will be up to them).
I've been leaving the room when he calls the kids. Before, when he was travelling, I would coach kids to tell about their day, school, etc. now they are on their own.
These days have been hard. Lots of ups and downs.
Knowing that he will be back on Friday has been a big trigger because I have hope that the distance from both me and OW would have given him time to miss me and decide to clean up and come home.
I cannot afford hope right now. It is most likely false hope so I am scared of his return.
As far as I know, the A is still alive, and even IF WH would someday repent, it might take much longer than that.
I know the whole purpose of plan B is to be patient and protect myself from him, and be able to look and see if my H ever gets back from under WH... I need to keep strong for that...

estrela, you are doing great! I know you are hurting, but I promise this will get better SOON.

One thing I would make clear to him in your communications is that they NEVER be exposed to his affair partner. If that happens, then you should withhold the kids until you get legal protection. And most lawyers are lazy and will say they can't do anything about that. So you have to tell them to MAKE THAT HAPPEN! Many BS' here have that in their papers.

If he dares to do that, it will be the last time he will see the kids in a long time. I will get lawyers involved ASAP.
I doubt he will do that because even when we were dating (and he was already D for 2+ years) it took him months to introduce me to his kids. He wanted to make sure we were serious before that.
But taking how much he changed since A, you are right I need to be careful, and I will put this in writing.

I don't want you sitting at the window looking out for him. I don't want you looking out at all. I know the temptation, since I myself did that.

I am only suggesting that you get someone else to stay at your home for exchanges to see what you WH will do. Hopefully, he stays outside, but in case he doesn't I would like someone else to be there to deal with getting rid of him. It would be better for you if you didn't need to deal with anything. And, let that person know they shouldn't tell you what he does or says, only if they think they would be needed in the future. THis will alleviate some of the anxiety you may experience over this.