I travelled back in time today to an earlier day, a day when I was not so miserable, and told myself about all the pain & grief that would happen if I continued my friendship with the OW.<P>Unfortunately, my earlier self wouldn't listen to me. What a putz.<P>--andy

Hey, come on. What do you mean here!! We can do this.

airheart...i do that all the time...going over the thousands of mistakes i made...thinking if only once i changed things on my own...can't change the past...would give a body part if i could...hey i even saw a preview of some dumb movie where a guy loses his fiancee b/cause he gets caught and goes back in time and does everything right for her...kind of like how i want to for my w now...only...life ain't the movies...anyway just letting you know i'm right there with you...trying hard<BR>

Now, Airheart, don't you DARE do this to me!<P>I don't really think I've ever posted to you before, not much valuable insight for you, but I've become one of your biggest fans.<P>Your insight, your committment, your determination - well, just makes me feel like there's hope. <P>We're ALL counting on you. And here for you. And supporting you. And I know we can't fight the battle for you, but, hey, that's something, right?<P>Hang in there. PLEASEE!!!!!!<P>Lori

trying hard -- it's tuff isn't it? thinking back and remembering the exact moment when you could've turned in a different direction, but knowing there's not a damn thing you can do about it.<P>susan and lori -- thanks for your support.<P>lori, I appreciate your confidence in me, although I don't know if I deserve it. Hope you're not counting on me <B>too</B> much... But don't worry, I'm hangin'. Just a bout of the blues I gotta work through (yet again). <P>Well, at least this situation has brought out the poet in me (my post was a <B>little</B> poetic wasn't it?) <P>--andy

Maybe just a little..... <P>Lori

airheart -- I know exactly what you mean Andy. I can remember the specific incident which caused my W to walk out on me, and started us down this road to hell. Sure we had problems well before "that" day, but had I reacted differently on "that" day things could have been so much easier.<P>Hang in there Andy.<P>God Bless

Andy,<P>That is just the stage of grief you are in. It is the stage called bargaining.....there is denial, acceptance.......what are the others again??? Anyway, when you start going back over stuff and thinking how you could change it, that is a part of the bargaining stage.

ES -- thanks, I'm hanging in there as well as can be expected I guess...<P>Bonny -- I'd be interested in the other stages of grief if you can remember them. I'm interested to see where I am in the process. It seems like I regress back into earlier stages sometimes (like the denial part -- "This CAN'T be happening to me!").<P>--andy

Andy,<P>I will go back and look at the stages again but they don't necessarily go in order except that I think "acceptance" is definitaly at the end!! I think it is easier to deal with the "what ifs" and "if onlys" if you realize that they are only part of a natural, healing process. I do a lot of bargaining yet too......sometimes it is going over in my head a lot of things I wish I would have said. Then I also go over different moments in time in the relationship where I wish I could have stuck to my guns and ended it, saved myself the depth of pain I ended up getting.<P>I picked up a little paper-back book today called "How to fall out of love" Looks really good!! It is for people who fell in love with someone who either didn't love them or couldn't love them.

Andy,<P>To my wonderful, committed friend. You WILL make it. What you are feeling it very normal. We all wish there was a magic eraser to go back and 'fix' things.<BR>We can't move forward until we realize where we have been. We all know that we can't change the past, but we can change the future.<BR>Just relax. It will come.<P>Hang in there. Sorry I don't have much more advice for you, but I'm pulling for you and your family.<P>Cheryl<BR>

Hey Cheryl, thanks... I appreciate your well wishes! Believe me!<P>thanks again

andy, you poopie-head... NOW STOP THIS!!<P><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Imagine that the Andy from 10 years in the future is talking to the present Andy RIGHT NOW. What is he saying?

Andy,<P>Stages of grief:<P>1. Denial gives one time to discover inner strengths and obtain help and information from others. <P>2. Anxiety mobilizes and focuses energies needed for coping and changing attitudes and values. <P>3. Depression enables a person to work on issues of competence, value, and strength in the context of loss. <P>4. Anger helps the individual to look deeply at and restructure beliefs concerning fairness in the context of loss. <P>5. Guilt enables a person to re-examine one's sense of meaning, importance, and responsibility in the context of loss. <P>6. Acceptance occurs when one sees that while the family unit has changed, a new and inner self-confidence emerges.<BR> <BR>Here's the website of that book on grief I purchased:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.grief-recovery.com" TARGET=_blank>Grief Recovery Institute</A> <P>

Andy-We've ALL been there at one time or another, it's just your turn! Do yourself a favor and do something good for yourself today and then tell yourself you deserve it because you've been working so hard! God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

Thanks everybody for your kind words. It means alot. Especially from you folks who I don't normally hear from. Thanks Bren and Animac. <P>Animac -- I don't want to talk to my future self, cuz I'm afraid of what I'll tell me. I wish I had a bright outlook on the future, but I just don't right now.<P>Bren -- I'm having lunch with a friend today. Does that count as doing something for myself? I dunno. I don't feel like I'm working all that hard right now. Seems like all I do is worry and get depressed.<P>Sheryl -- poopie-head?! <LOL><P>Pam -- your book makes depression and anxiety sound like <B>good</B> things! <grin> I was actually going to email you today and ask you if that book you bought talked about the stages, and here you are conveniently posting them to my thread... <P>I haven't gone through an anger stage. Is that normal? I just can't get angry at the OP like alot of the other betrayers seem to do.<P>Well, I don't wanna go on whining anymore. <BR>--andy

Andy--<BR> What your feeling sounds like such a normal part of the grief process. I truly believe you have to feel this type of pain in order to understand what you're going through and to move on and not get "stuck" 0r bury real feelings. <BR> I especially like Animac's comment on going to the future and looking at where you are now. Worth a try!<BR> Hang in there. You have shared such strength and perseverence with me....don't give up now!!!! <P>Jenn<P>------------------<BR>

Hi Jenn, thanks. Hope you are doing well.<P>I try to be more positive about the future... sometimes I'm okay, and sometimes I have rough patches like the last week or so.<P>--andy

Andy--<P>Maybe anger doesn't necessarily have to be directed towards the OP. <P>Maybe it could be directed towards you or the situation as a whole.<P>Pam