So, he always wanted children and you knew that going in? Do you think that he may have thought that you would change your mind someday? Did you ever lead him to believe this?

What would be your reasons for having children now? What would change your mind?

(Dern I HATE muppet brain posting)

I want to make this PERFECTLY clear, the affair was IN NO WAY YOUR FAULT. Even if you did lie to him for YEARS and claim that you wanted children(which I am quite certain you did NOT), he wouldn't have the right to commit adultery. That was his choice, separate from this or any other issue in your marriage.

Its true, my H did the reverse.

We both wanted children, he was crazy about kids, but after the A took hold he 'just didn't want them any more' as an explanation for his weird behaviour and lack of interest.



This is also massively common. They vacilate between AP and spouse - they are addicted to the high drama.

My H said I was the love of his life the day after telling me I was a total stranger to him, next day he was back to talking divorce.

It leaves you breathless.

I suggest you read the never take the word of a wayward thread.

I am guessing you will see some familiar words and phrases.

Yes, I knew he had always wanted children. My sister always said it would break us up in the end. But we had many discussions about it prior to marrying and very nearly broke off the engagement because of it. But he was adamant that it was a sacrifice he was willing to make in order to be with me, and, naively, I believed him. I never, ever gave him any reason to believe that I was going to change my mind. But maybe, at the back of his mind, there was the thought that I might.


The fact that he changed his mind means nothing is set in stone. Who's to say I won't change my mind too? Right at this minute, I don't think I will, but hey, I never thought I'd have any interest in getting married either, and I CERTAINLY never thought I'd have it in me to forgive a cheating husband.

I want to change my mind. And if anyone could make me want children, it's this man. But that's all kind of secondary now, because he has embarked on this A and I no longer know if there's any possibility of saving my marriage. Plan A doesn't seem like a possibility because he has no interest in ending the affair, and like I said in my first post, Plan B would probably be music to his ears.


I know that, and I'm not for a minute condoning his actions. I just don't think they were inevitable either.

Some women don't. Just because a majority do doesn't make anything "missing" with CD that she does not. And while she doesn't know what the bond would feel like, it's not like a puppy you can take back if you decide it ain't for you.

Sacrifice is BAD for marriage. It builds resentment. Not blaming here, but teaching you for the future. POJA takes care of sacrificing.

BUT he DIDN'T change his mind. He always wanted children, but was willing to sacrifice that need to be with you. Again, NOT something that is any excuse to commit adultery.

MOST of us here didn't know that about ourselves either.

Plan A entices the WS back to the marriage. Plan A helps show your WS what a marriage to you COULD be like, if they end their affair.

Now, Plan B, a TONNE of BSs believe that their WS is going to LOVE Plan B. Just read some Plan B threads to see the BSs say that(even I thought that), and how their WSs reacted to it. You just never know.

AS for Plan B (read my sig)

1) His reaction to Plan B is irrelevant. It is where unsafe, unrepentent cheaters get sent. For your protection.
2) Plan B is amazing! You get so strong, so confident so happy
3) For some reason the waywards who get B'd hate it like poison. Even those that 'hate' their spouse. The repentant ones cave in and write NC letter, the unrepentent ones want to control their spouse so they can continue to cheat on them/blame them etc.

So it is not popular with them. They all try to break it. But it is imperative for your protection because adultery is abusive.

So what's the verdict? Do I give Plan A another go, seeing as I haven't actually brought up the subject of a reconciliation since I initially got my hand slapped 2 days after d-day? (I did tell him I wanted to go back to counselling two weeks ago, but couched it more along the lines of "we need it if we ever have any hope of moving on". Call me chickensh*t, I deserve it.)

Or do I go straight into Plan B?

Step 1. Expose the affair. Who knows about it? Who have you told?

How does H know OW? Co-worker? Friend?

AM

Everyone on our side knows - both our families and all of our friends. I'm not sure who knows on her side, as I have no contact with her.

They're colleagues - both in the army, but in separate sections. I exposed to one of their mutual colleagues. Exposure at work in general would be next to impossible due to the command structure of the Irish army.

CD
I'm not a vet here. It my advice to you would be to move back home and concentrate on showing your H that you can and are willing to meet his needs.

In plan A you don't bring up the A , you dont love bust and you don't pressure him. You meet his needs and expect nothing in return.

It's a hard task butt it's got to be done, as you have seen he responds to you when you show him how you have changed, all the kissing etc means your getting somewhere.

Do plan A and if he does not respond and end his A then go to plan B.

Plan B is more effective when you have done a good plan A first.

There is also a useful link to doing plan A carrot and stick. I'm sure someone can post that link for you.

Is adultery allowed in the Irish Army? Why is exposure next to impossible? Is there something unique about the command structure?

I understand it can be difficult. My H was a Colonel in the US Army. His affair partner was a Sargeant. I exposed the A to OWH and it created such an uproar that my H self-reported to his boss, a two-star general. If he hadn't self-reported, I would have done it. It busted up the physical aspect of the A. My H was very addicted to the OW and it took a long, long time for H to become an honest man. He now thanks me for "throwing him the life line".

Workplace affairs: Expose it in the workplace and let the affair partners experience the consequences of their actions.

AM

What do you mean? Are there no consequences for bringing the army into disrepute/using work time for an A? Are you sure?

(Im english (scouse) so obviously know nothing about the Irish Army, however I know the British army would invoke consequences for disrepute tho and Im surprised to hear its so different)

Its worth considering anyway, even without official sanctions because of the shame factor/ people not classing them as promotion material/not trusting them aroung their spouses.

Exposure tends to look at key targets - who would have the most influence on the wayward.

And the military world, in whatever country, tends to be an inner circle where being respected is valued highly, so its worth considering.

Is OW married? Do you know her name?

AM

CailinDeas. Your WH will not be willing to try reconciliation as long as he is in an active affair. Counseling will only validate his justifications and push him farther away. What you need is to KILL this A.


Move home. Tell WH that you made a mistake moving out and that you have come back to work on the M. Plan A his butt off. Show him that you have changed and how great you can be.

If he moves out, that is his choice. But it now makes HIM the one to abandon the M.




They are already driven together and you are doing nothing to stop it.

Find OW family and EXPOSE. Her family thinks your marriage has been over for a long time and are ok with this relationship. Let OW family know that OW is in an adulterous relationship and is breaking up your marriage. Ask for their support in keeping her away from your H.

Expose at the Army. The Army is big on personal "character and integrity".

Fight for your marriage. Expose this A and do a stellar Plan A before pushing the Plan B button.

Do not have children until you have recovered. Then it needs to be POJA (policy of joint agreement).

Expose to whomever and wherever you can. You never know where your support will come from.

Get yourself back into your place. That's YOUR place, and you shouldn't have agreed to move out before, but you didn't know any better. Now that you do, you'll do better.

Plan A like a rockstar. At the same time, you get ready for PLan B.

I am also quite surprised about the military. In Canada, it would be VERY damaging. Give it a go.

This was my for 28 years. My DH wanted kids when we met, but he decided that they weren't that importnat. I never wanted kids, was devoutly anti child, had only child free friends, etc... In the past 18 months we've lost his dad, his grandmother, and my best friend and we've reconsidered having children. I really want them and am making lifestyle changes to accomodate us owning a business and being home.

I'm not sure I can have kids and we might adopt, I'm still scared out of my mind at the thought of being responsible for something other than a cat or a horse or a dog, but I'm excited to be going down this road.

I hope things work out with your WH and if children are in your future I'm sure you'll all be fine.

I have a wee bit of knowledge here. Is he PDF or reserve?

Each brigade is divided up according to where they are located. For instance, if he is stationed in the southern brigade you would contact the chief officer for the HQ in Cork. The idea is to go as high as you can to get the most effect.

Do you know what brigade or division she's in? Do the same there as well.

Heck, expose to the Taoiseach or RTE if you need to!

CV

Yes, I know her name and no, she's not married.


CV, they're both PDF. They both in the same brigade, he in Logs Base, she in the ADR.

I know all this sounds like self-serving cowardice, but I know my husband and if I ruin his career he will never, ever forgive me. I'm sure every new BS says this, but I genuinely think going down this road would end all possibility of a reconciliation.

I'm also not entirely sure how much the army would look down on the situation. Another guy in his section had an affair with one of the medics while they were both overseas a few years back. He left his wife for her and he and the colleague are still in a relationship and now have a child together. There certainly doesn't seem to have been any career fallout there. The impression I've always had is that once there is no disparity in rank, the army generally turn a blind eye.