I think if you are talking about a true NEED, food, heat, medical care (if you need it) fall into that category. Sex is a DESIRE, albeit a very strong one esp. at certain ages/phases of life and definitely stronger in some than in others. I think when Dr. Harley defines sex as an emotional need, it is within the confines of a loving relationship of a married couple...sex is not just the primal instinctual satisfaction of a bodily need, it's the expression of love between two people.

There are some people that would marry for sex, just as there are some people who marry for a good cook, or a stable income, or a host of other reasons. I doubt most of us want someone to marry us just for those reasons and I hope most of us would consider a whole lot more than those reasons when choosing someone to marry.

The danger in two people dating who are not ready and who just "don't want to be alone" is that they end up together but aren't really right for each other. If you're ready for dating, you're more likely to be objective and looking at the right criteria.

Someone posted a link about how to know if you're ready for dating, that'd be good for starters. When I divorced my XH, I made a list of qualities I'd want in someone...some are "dealbreakers" and some are "preferential"...I highly recommend someone making this list BEFORE they date so they can refer back to it and be reminded about what is important to them, and they can surmise if someone fits that list or not. We make a list about what we want in a car and do our research before making a purchase, why would we do any less about a decision so much more important, our potential mate?

Ooooooh, SW, this is really good.

I've figured out how to resist temptation with food. I had to go gluten free and I've lost 35 lbs in the past year. I know I can resist other temptations, too.

That is awesome! I need to learn to control my cravings and lose about 15 pounds. Sigh.

Well, I still disagree. If we didn't NEED another human being to meet any NEED, God never would have made Eve to be Adam's companion.

I NEED sex and I NEED conversation. I personally don't know of any healthy human being who can go years at a time without conversation and REMAIN healthy mentally, emotionally, or physically.

I have never been a diabetic and don't know much about it, but as far as I know, everybody NEEDS sugar...it is the fuel for the brain. But we know that any food, taken outside of the way it was meant, can be harmful. Sleep is a NEED, but people can survive without "proper" sleep, but it has health consequences, whether it is too much or not enough.

Obviously, some of us have more of drive towards sexual expression and satisfaction than other people, just like some of us have a greater need for sugar, sleep, or conversation.

Rather than arguing over semantics, I would like to hear from those who actually have a high sex drive and are single who might have practical suggestions on how to keep from feeling like climbing the walls. I remember seeing a friend's Siamese cat who was in heat, and she (the cat) would thrash around on the floor and would wail. THAT is what I feel like about 75% of the time!
I am glad that I don't actually LUST after any particular man, although I have struggled with that particular sin in the past.

I really don't think I would ever find the man with all the characteristics I am looking for. I do have a list of things that are really important to me.

Dr. Harley says you should date 30 people. I know that isn't a requirement if you meet the person who meets your most important needs right away. I'd never say, "Well, you seem to meet all my most important requirements, but I need to date another 23 men before I can decide."

The thing is...my little one's father met SO many of my needs SO well. I keep remembering how things were those first 7 1/2 months and how the only 2 things that were missing were shared faith and lifelong commitment.

He was raised as a Muslim, but isn't very religious and he does not interfere with my religious practices and encourages me to take my daughter to church with me. The only restriction is for me to not intentionally feed her pork till she is old enough to decide for herself. I think most Muslims I know don't avoid pork for religious reasons, it is just more cultural. They think it is from a really nasty animal and of course, it can cause trichinosis. So, who would want to feed your child something that has such a bad reputation?

And the commitment issue is HUGE, of course. I guess this man was a "renter". I still haven't read the book. At this point, he is very much committed to my daughter and he has been very good to me in so many ways.

But without ever having reconnected, my emotional needs are not being met. But they WERE!

I am wavering...I really need to do the Plan B. I have been trying to, but he keeps inviting me to eat with them and he calls me every day he doesn't see me and talk to me in person. I thought at first it was because he was worried about my mental state, but I think after he visited my therapist with me on Saturday, he felt better.

He used to NEVER call on Wednesdays or Sundays, and for a couple of months, he didn't call on Monday, either. (We recently switched from having dinner and hanging out together on Monday (about 2 hours family time)to him keeping her overnight on Tuesdays. So he is still seeing her on 5 days a week. Last week and this week he is trying to see her on Mondays again.

I have not been eating with him when he has invited me, but I did meet them for breakfast Wed. when I picked her up.

My therapist tells me to meet him when he asks. Said to enjoy his company and family time and how it is good for our daughter to see her parents in a pleasant context. He tells me that holding onto my anger and negativity isn't good. I think it is protecting me!

But I feel like he is poison. I feel like I need to be totally detached. I feel like if I start enjoying hanging out with him and my daughter (who LOVES for us to do stuff together), it will all be okay until I start feeling again how much I really have loved him and how much I want those good feelings back. I really don't think there is any hope for any long term change. Sure, he can give me a little extra attention for a while. But he seemed so certain that he does not want a relationship with me beyond co-parenting. He insisted, as recently as last week that he doesn't want to be "a couple", yet he really doesn't want me to be with another man, either.

I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want me. I don't want someone who can't commit to forever. I don't want someone who avoids intimacy. I don't want someone who can't be open and honest (because that builds intimacy). I don't want to be with someone who can't engage in recreational companionship and private conversation (because that builds intimacy).

I am scaring myself a little. I am actually hoping that him pursuing me since I have distanced from him means that he actually has feelings for me and they might develop into something that might work for us both. If only he could recover those feelings that he used to have for me (and I am convinced that he DID have feelings), then we could be together and all of our needs would be met and we'd be happy.

In my dreams.....

I am going to spend my next session with my therapist telling him why I think "no contact" or "plan B parenting" is better. He seems to think that avoiding conflict is less desireable than "working through" it.

Apples to oranges. Sleep is a definite physical need. You cannot compare it to sex.

And you can get all of the other ENs outlined by Dr. Harley from other sources rather than a spouse.


You aren't the only person in the world with a high sex drive who has remained chaste/celibate. My own mother was single and celibate for 28 years. Divorced when she was 28. She kept herself very very busy and kept her mind OFF sex.

One problem I see with you is that you continue to maintain a relationship with a man who you find physically attractive but who doesn't want you (longterm). This is not helping your celibate state.

I agree that your child will benefit from your relationship with her father being conflict free. That does not need to extend to the close relationship you presently have and it is contributing to your desire for sexual intimacy and your inability to move forward and find someone else.

A true Plan B is not required here---he isn't an affair partner---but if you want to extricate yourself from him you must start limiting your time and conversation with him. If you are unable to do that without a Plan B situation then by all means Plan B.



You spent a lot of space writing about a man who has made it clear he doesn't want to commit to you. Stop this. Let him go. You will not be able to see the future possibilities for your life as long as you pine after this man. What man will think you would be a good mate when you are so attached still to your child's father who refused to commit to you?

Watch this:



The father of your child has made it clear that he doesn't want to commit to you. You need to let him go and get on with your life.

You'll continue to be sexually frustrated and unhappy while you sit around longing for a man who doesn't want you that way.

Kirby, I love this clip. I've shown it to my dh and my ds.

"Let folks go".

I guess you are not done with him after all. As others have said, the more time you spend with this guy, the more crazy you will make yourself.

You are allowing him to really have his cake and eat it too - all the benefits of family life without any of the effort or investment. Sweet deal...

But you can end this easily enough of course.

AGG

No, he isn't getting ALL the benefits of family life, but he has been getting the ones most important to him and it has taken him a HUGE amount of effort and investment. He lives 20 miles from me and for 3 months he drove to my house every day to spend a couple of hours with the baby and then for the next 20 months or so, he made the drive 5 days a week. He does so much more than is legally required of him financially.

So, up till a couple of months ago, he has pretty much had things arranged to suit HIS needs, but not MINE.

I have been working on changing the dynamics of this relationship for about 3 months and it is pretty slow going, but I think it's coming along. I don't feel badly about getting attached to the fathers of my children because I think that is how it is supposed to be. The problem is that it is so one-sided.

Ending this is not easy and I never thought it should be. It is a messy situation, but I have to feel that what I am doing is the best I can do for my kids. I am working through it, but .

Nice clip. I don't know much about "Medea" but this is a good point.

I think I'm still in the being sad and crying about it phase. I don't expect to be stuck here forever. I don't think it can be rushed. My therapist says you don't get OVER things, you get THROUGH them, but still, in the end, they are behind you. I'm still in the process.

I do think a modified "Plan B parenting plan" is what I need to do. It is hard because he is calling me and asking me to spend time with him. He isn't letting ME go. He had me where he wanted me and now that I'm not right there, I think he is going through more of a difficult transition than he expected. That's HIS problem, though.

My heart has been in conflict ever since my ex-husband divorced me 10 years ago. I am positive that if I didn't have kids, I would find it so much easier to move on.

I know I am not the only person with a high sex drive who has chosen to be celibate while single, but I believe I am in the minority. It isn't easy. But I'd rather have this struggle than what some have.

You said you are DONE with him other than a parallel parenting arrangement, and you also said that you are hoping that you can play the distancer/pursuer game to get him to develop feelings for you.

These are inconsistent IMO, but if it works for you, OK.

AGG

Repeat: Go and read every single article at www.baggagereclaim.com You will accomplish more to move forward than you can ever imagine.

I am working on it. I discovered that site some time ago.

Well, first of all, I'm not playing any "game". I am the one who wants out of a co-dependent relationship that is unhealthy and unsatisfying. So, I am withdrawing. He wants me where he wants me...in limbo. I had a discussion with him the other day about why he is suddenly feeling a need to call me so much. I told him that I don't want to go back where we were. He knows very well that if I had my "druthers", we would be in a committed, mutually satisfying relationship and we both know that he doesn't want that. I told him that even though he is pursuing me at the moment, he will pull away if I let him catch me, and we will be back where we started. But that doesn't keep me from wishing my daughter could grow up with her parents loving and pleasing each other.

Sure, there is a conflict. I am sure he is conflicted, too. We both wish we could get on the same page, but our emotional needs are truly incompatible and I think if either of us could adapt to the other, we would have done so by now.

I consider my sexuality to be something I prefer to keep private, but I have always considered myself to have a high drive. As a single person, I find the best way to deal with it is not think about it. The adjustment can be difficult at first when you're used to a steady diet and now find yourself alone, but with perseverance, it can be overcome. I find it best not to go there as it does no good to tempt yourself with what you can't or shouldn't have. That may not be the answer you want but it works. Regular exercise is a healthy outlet too.

If you are eading on Baggage Reclaim, by now you should have gotten to the point where you understand the No Contact Rule. I uunderstand you have a child together yhat does not mean YOU have to have contact with him - just your child does. Get an intermediary and communicate with him through him or her. Alternatively, only have contact with him to exchange critical child related communications and child exchanges. YOU are the one holding on to a dysfunctional relationship that you think is somehow going to turn into the relationship of your dreams.

I say all of this to you because I was the consmate Fallback Girl with a long history of Mr. Unavailables. It wasn't until I did the hard work within myself with help from the outstanding tough love on Baggage Reclaim that I finally moved past it all. I am no VERY happily married to a physically, mentally and emotionally available man.

Duplicate post

WOW, good for you!! Do you have kids?
I don't have much"history" other than getting really stuck on the fathers of my kids.
I don't need an intermediary. He isn't dangerous. I really don't have much contact with him. I need to remember to get off the phone quickly when he calls. And I did eat with him yesterday, but it would have been really inconvenient not to.
I think I'll get through this... Baggage reclaim is really good. It is nice that you have such a happy ending. And I am sure with "marriage builders" you'll always have a strong marriage. Maybe I will someday, too.

Well,I stay very busy. Times in the car and when I'm in bed either before I go to sleep or when I first wake up and when I wake in the middle of the night are pretty bad. I even keep things on in the car to keep me distracted and when I'm in the house alone, I am listening to stuff, but my body wants what it wants. Sometimes chocolate, sometimes sex. I do often turn to food to try (unsuccessfully) to meet my emotional needs I need a husband to fill. I guess I exaggerated some. It isn't 75% of the time, every day. But is it a lot.

Other than several months in 2007 and 2008, I haven't had much of a sex life for 11 years, so it isn't that I'm used to it and it was suddenly cut off. The 6 years or so I was divorced, I rarely had sex (only with my ex)---probably not even 12 times in that 6 year period. And I haven't been sexually active for about 4 years.

Maybe it is hormonal, and maybe it will be taking care of itself soon. I heard menopause kills women's sex drive. I went in to the Dr. today because I seemed to miss my period in January, but then it came very late, and with a vengeance. I think it was an "anovulatory cycle". I have been bleeding for 10 days now, and the last 5 have been alarmingly heavy and I am starting to feel sick. I think this afternoon it is slowing down a little, but my GYN said she can call me in some drug to stop it if I need her to. Looks like I may be "perimenopausal".

I do exercise vigorously on a very regular basis, but I don't think it helps control my sex drive. It does help me overall emotionally, though. I can tell!

I don't think I have sexual urges because I think about sex, I think it is the other way around . I actually try to NOT think about it since I can't do anything about it, and I mentioned before how I don't watch steamy movies or read romance novels or anything like that.

I guess I miss the non-sexual, affectionate physical contact as much as I miss the sex. I guess it may all be connected to loneliness.

Yes, I do have a child. He was 18 months old when my now XH left us to move back to England to be with his OW. He returned to the States when my son was 5. Since his return, he has regular (much more that our custody agreement provides) visitation with our son....notice I said HE has visitation - not WE or ME - HE. I do not go along or interject myself into THEIR time together.

YOU are the one who is refusing to let go. YOU are the one who tags along with them when they have their time together. There is absolutely no reason for you to eat with them or for you to have "family outings" with them. YOU are not HIS family. HE is your DAUGHTER's family.

Until you realize that YOU are hanging on to what YOU think is a relationship or what YOU think "could be if only" you are doomed to being alone. He has made very clear to you he does not want a committed relationship with you. In a recent article on Baggage Reclaim, Natalie Liu says what I am trying say FAR more eloquently:

You�re giving them the choice of keeping you in their back pocket for a rainy day emotional airbag to fallback on for an ego stroke, shag or a shoulder to lean on.

You�re also communicating that you�re OK with being a choice � there are other options � which allows them to keep their options open. But more worryingly, when you allow yourself to be an option, you communicate that they don�t have to choose, they don�t have to value you and they are free to reject you and pick up again when they feel like it.

Being an option means you�re uncommitted and they�re uncommitted.

It also means that you�re prevented from having the choice to be available for an available relationship because being someone�s option shuts you off to other opportunities. Don�t believe me? If you�ve ever tried to date while being an option for someone, you�ll have struggled to be emotionally present and correct because you�re unavailable and into the person you�ve optioned yourself to.

You�ll never be able to move on with your life, feel a sense of personal contentment and forge a happier, mutually fulfilling relationship with someone that values you, if you�re option for someone else that doesn�t or only values you for what they can get out of you on their terms.