Funny story:

My wife and I were watching �Stories of Indidelity� on the OWN network when she said to me, �I will never cheat on you.�

Well, it was one of those moments where the statement was best to be reciprocated with the speed to match the question, �Does this dress make me look fat?�

I didn�t answer right away. I fall into the school of thought that all of us could fall into that trap in the right circumstances. So rather than answering easily, I instead tried to articulate how it is best to minimize temptation and never get into such situations, etc.

We lay quietly in bed watching more of the show. I could tell she wasn�t happy with my answer. I wasn�t happy with how I explained myself, so I clarified.

�Honey, I don�t like absolute statements. I�d rather you say to me that you�ll work hard to keep our marriage strong so that I�m never tempted and will not cheat on you because of that.�

She liked that explanation better and told me that the way I put it it sounded to her like I was barely hanging on and doing my darndest to fend off all the opportunities available to cheat.

I laughed and told her that that wasn�t my intent at all.

So now it is an inside joke. She�ll call and ask me how my day was and I say, �Hard as he77. I had to fend off 3 women on my way to my car. I�m just barely hanging on, but I�m still being faithful!�

So it�s something we laugh about now. Ever muck up an explanation about infidelity and guarding against it?

I went through the same thing with my H for YEARS. He would look at me puzzled and say "I am so sorry you can't trust me to go on business trips with women." I explained to him that is the equivalent of saying "I am so sorry you can't trust me to go drunk driving." I can only trust you if you DON'T do those things.

NO ONE should be trusted if they engage in risky behavior!

...we laugh about now. Ever muck up an explanation about infidelity and guarding against it?

No. After maybe eight months, we have never discussed her infidelity. Ever.

In one of those early days, she said, "Please believe I'll never again cheat on you." I looked at her and said, "What possible assurance can you give me now that I wasn't certain I had the day we married?"

There is no reason to chat. We barely escaped last time. If she thinks that whatever she wants from another man is worth the unavoidable consequences.....well, recalling any verbal commitment she might make now is not going to alter her choice.

Our only ongoing interchange in this realm is her occasional, "I'm still very sorry!", followed by my, "Thank you. I know you are."

My current wife and I are a clean slate (knock on wood). We were both betrayed in our previous marriages.

HTLD, I love it. That is exactly the kind of bantering dh and I have. It is so nice to have such a good relationship.

He is currently working in the same building with a woman that he was involved with before he met me. (he was single, it was not an affair). It makes me a little nervous. So we have talked about how to make sure I feel secure....we have a gentle code phrase, if he says, 'My day was uneventful.' that means no interaction AT ALL with her. It warms my heart that he so often goes to the trouble to make me feel safe.

Years ago I told NGB "I know that were I put in the wrong situation, that I would cheat, so my job is to never put myself in the wrong situation."

"I would NEVER do that! NEVER!"


Mmmmmhmmmmm...

I was a monster then.

When I was previously married, I met a woman pilot who was new to my squadron. I found, over time, that I thought she was attractive. She was funny, cool, intelligent, and easy to get along with.

Once I realized I found her attractive I started avoiding her. I pretended she had the plague.

I never told my WXW about this at the time, until afterwards when I asked her on a date after my WXW divorced me.

But it wasn't a romantic date. It was more of a "I'll show you" date. She was a real sport and listened to my broken hearted sob story over dinner. She even volunteered to go to a club to spy on my WXW before our D was final since my WXW didn't know who she was.

I deployed with this woman and made sure to never be around her alone.

I don't think she found me attractive at all, but the point was that I did and I avoided her like she smelled funny.

It's all about EPs.

I worked in a grocery store until a few years ago. For starters, there were the customers who would try to... er... throw it in your face, so to speak.

Then there were those who were not subtle; "Whacha doin when you get off, hmmmm?"

"Um, going home to my wife and children."

And lastly, the young women who thought it was "fun" to try to push up on a married guy.

It wasn't lack of opportunities, it was lack of interest in; divorce, child support, being a slimball...

The "single life" just isn't attractive to me.

Haven't made it any better now that I'm in a primarily female field.

My habit now is to find a corner to hide in while I do my paperwork, as some coworkers believe that me sitting still = let's chat.

No, let's not chat. I don't care that your boyfriend is a bum, I don't wanna know about it, I don't want the damn sob story. Dump him and move on, whatever. I. don't. care.

SmilingWoman,


This is playing with fire. What matters is that this woman is his ex, someone he was close once and those old flames can be as dangerous as former OPs.

Yes, but he can be a grown up about it and is being transparent with his wife.

If I worked in the same building as an ex I'd avoid her. It's not hard and if the relationship was waaaaaaay in the past before I met my W it wouldn't be all that difficult.

Temptation will be present wherever you go. It's just a matter of how we choose to cope with it.

Would Dr. Harley say that you should change jobs or move to avoid exposure to exes (not affair partners)?

We can't live like hermits. If it was a past relationship (not while you two were married), I would treat it like any other relationship. EP's still apply. No personal contact, etc...

CV

Maybe so, however, I would say that this is another reason to relocate several states away after suffering an affair.

I love the way my dh copes with it. Although he assures me there is no temptation...it was a very unhealthy relationship and a very bad ending....but still and yet he is an EP sort of man. He worked there for a month before he rounded a corner and came face to face with her. Neither stopped walking..they said 'hi' and he said he didn't even make eye contact with her. One day a week later he heard her voice in the kitchen and just didn't go in. He eats his lunch at his desk. He doesn't go out to eat with co-workers. Tells me if there is any sighting of her even.

But he does all of those EPs for ALL woman...not just because she is an ex gf. He gives me more reassurance about her, but all in all he is caution with other women period.

If their relationship had been an affair he definitely would not be working there. Even if it had been an affair he had while married to his first wife, he wouldn't be working there. As it is, he wasn't married, she wasn't married and it was a brief very bad period in dh's life.

That's not what I'm saying at all, though. Your current H wasn't an adulterer, right? So your current marriage hasn't suffered infidelity. If it had, working with an ex, even one where the relationship was "bad" would be a risk because that LB$ still exists.

Because of that, there is still a risk in working with an ex.

Moving several states away removes the probability of working with former lovers, or opposite sex friends. That safeguards the marriage by removing the probability of those who have a previous LB$ balance from coming into contact with either spouse.

Anyone is wired to cheat, so the fact that one's spouse has engaged in adultery would appear to be irrelevant to the argument about the risks of staying in geographical (not personal) proximity to people for whom you hold past accounts but have not engaged in adulterous relationships.

According to your theory the best course once married is to relocate to a remote location. The safest course would be to avoid contact with people altogether.

It's neither a theory nor "mine" that regular contact with former lovers or opposite sex friends increases the risk for adultery to occur. Its proven here daily.

However of you wish to use a slippery slope to discredit it, then yes. We should stake out a chunk of forest and chase off any and all competitors. That's what gibbons do, and they have an infidelity rate of around 8% compared to over 50% in humans.

Define "regular contact". YOU said "move several states away."

***looking around the room at all the bodies*** This forum is chock full of affairs that began as a) opposite sex friendships and/or b) renewed contact with an OLD BF/GF.