The BS prob allowed everyone to turn a blind eye.

As for him never forgiving you, your m can survive his anger it cannot survive an affair.

Plus if he to be angry and unrepentent of his actions, its a clear sign he isn't sorry and would put you at risk of a false recovery.

You can't worry too much about his reactions to things. Just work on setting your recovery bar high so he would have to meet YOUR conditions to return.

In our case, my H's OW Sargeant had just finished an affair with the previous two-star general commander. If someone under his command had an affair, it would have been unlikely for him to do anything about it. So, maybe there are reasons why there is a blind eye in your H's brigade. What is my point? Everyone in the Army has a boss and if nothing happens when a wrongdoing occurs, then go up the chain of command.

But, could it be that you are more concerned about your husband becoming angry? He is currently with the OW. How much worse could it be?

No exposure = continuance of affair, wayward fog.

AM

CD, not one poster here who has exposed has regretted it. Posters who didn't expose regret that. Posters who exposed too late, regret that. Posters who didn't expose far enough, regret that. We don't want you to have any regrets.

As others have said, go higher if nothing gets done on the lower levels.

I find it funny that in one single post, you say that nothing will be done for his career, and you say that if he lost his career, he wouldn't be able to forgive you.

Firstly, whether he loses his career over his adultery isn't YOUR fault. HE should have thought about that BEFORE he committed adultery. These are the consequences of HIS actions. You telling the truth is the RIGHT thing to do. "Choose the hard right over the easy wrong."-Limb

What are your intentions in this? You want to save your marriage right? What are OUR intentions as posters on this forum? WE want to help you save your marriage. What is the best way to do that? By following MB principles. Get at it.

Cali,


the PDF values state (in part):

You must do what you know is right, not what is
easier, or what is popular.
You must be honest, sincere and reliable. If you have
integrity others will trust you and the team will be
strengthened

If I understand it right, each brigade is assigned a social worker to assist military members and their families.

Also:

Formal Approach
(You want to make a formal complaint � What do you do?)
You can use the Formal Approach if you feel the Informal Approach has not
worked or where you feel it is not an option for you. The Formal Approach
takes the form of a written complaint to your Commander. This can be printed
or in handwriting, but must be signed by you. If your Commander is the person
complained of, the complaint will be forwarded to the next superior in the
chain of command. The Commander will deal with your complaint either by
using the legal/disciplinary process or administrative action (explained in detail
in Administrative Instruction A7, Chapter 1, Section 7).
A Commander, for the purpose of this instruction includes:
� A Sub-Unit Commander � e.g. Infantry Company Commander, Artillery
Battery Commander, Logistic Company Commander.
� A Unit Commander.
� HQ Brigade/Air Corps/Naval Service - Head of Section.
� DFHQ - Head of Section.

Your H can be investigated under AI A7, chapter 1 Which I do not have full access to...yet!).

I would file a formal complaint

CV

Thanks for all the replies, folks. My main fears with exposure on her side, and at work are:

1. I really don�t want to do anything that will potentially drive them further together. I know people have pointed out that they're already together, but I don't want to give her any excuse to go running to him saying "Oh my God, your big meanie of a wife is trying to ruin my life, *whinge whinge whinge*

2. Ireland has a very weird tendency to blame the victim � I can see myself being labelled the psycho ex-wife instead of the innocent party (there were actually scenes at a court in Kerry last year where most of the locals lined up to shake hands with a convicted rapist as he was led out of the courtroom, in full view of his victim)

3. I can see a message like the FB template one having the exact opposite effect than intended � that all OW's friends will rally around her and encourage her.

4. That whether or not there are career repercussions if I expose at work, that WS will still see the very action as an attempt to ruin his career and will never forgive me.

I guess I would be really interested to hear from anyone from Ireland who has gone down the full exposure route. I know this sounds like a crappy excuse, but Ireland is a very idiosyncratic little country and I can very, very easily see this tactic backfiring spectacularly.

I know that before I was in this position, if a woman I'd never met sent me an FB message telling me her husband was having an affair with one of my friends, and I should tell that friend to back off, I would be inclined to think "crazy ex". So sue me, but it's the truth.

No you are scared of his reaction and what people will think. Thats the truth.

So is every betrayed spouse, but the marriage is either worth doing something that makes you uncomfortable or not.

It works because people dont like cheaters and cheaters know that. Some people will support you, some will not. Its up to you to try.

What about the other side of the equation?

If you were having an affair and suddenly all your friends found out about the fact you were doing a married man,

Might that not disrupt your plans to intriduce him to everyone and live out the little fantasy?

The idea is to bust up that fantasy.

I don't see anything special or unique about an affair in Ireland versus any other country.

Indie is correct. It is your fear that is keeping you from action. After D-day, I was highly fearful for many months. It was only when I acted IN SPITE OF my fears that began the basis for our marital recovery.

AM

There isnt. My WH mother is Irish and so is half his family. (so are many of my own relatives btw) Before exposure I had all the usual BS fears that blood would be thicker than water on his side, that I would be painted as crazy and jealous and that his past honourable character would hold too much weight.

But I didnt care what people thought. I wanted to kill the A.
I was amazed at his mothers support. She says q clearly that he is gobshite and is relentless in arguing on him to work on the marriage.

His family have all been in touch to offer support and have been in touch with him urging him to end the A.

His aunt called him up and said he was 'cruel and heartless' and that he was not welcome in her home until he ended the A. She said that when he worked on the marriage, he could be her nephew again but not before.

They knew I was best for him and because they want what's best for him they worked hard to support what I wanted.

They were more supportive than our mutual friends, even the women I counted as close friends.

I dont know which part of Ireland would be different.

Chances are I'd have already told them that I was involved with him, and passed on all the usual guff about the marriage being over before we got involved, etc. So again, I do think there's a very real chance that I would say to my friends "Oh, that's just the ex going psycho" and that they'd all agree.


I'm not worried about his side, I'm getting a lot of support from his family. Like your WH's, my MIL has been fantastic, and has basically told him to cop the fcuk on and stop being such a tool. So much so that he's not really talking to her anymore, because she's not telling him what he wants to hear.

It's fear of a backlash from OW's side that is holding me back. I'm not ashamed to admit that there is a huge amount of fear there.

Exactly. By not saying anything you are helping prop up her lies to her friends. If your message is cool and calm and to the point - and you offer to provide proof to anyone who needs it. (I forget what you have, dont worry if nothing) then it can't be seen as psycho by anyone reasonable.


The best targets are her married friends. Married women put danger to the marriage before anything and a woman who likes married men is a danger.

For al you know they already have concerns about her but tell themselves 'its nothing'

If nothing else, people (reasonable ones at least) will start to look a bit more closely at her and her behaviour so as to judge for themselves.

There is no telling people what will do in response to exposure. On these boards and in real life its amazing the unexpected results of expousre.

As I have told you, close friends did nothing and people I hardly knew went all out in support of me.

It is impossible to predict who will have the most effect so the most tactical thing to do is hit every target you can so all bases are covered.

This is why fears are usually moot.

I was certain my dad would kick my WHs [censored] and that was my main reason for fearing exposure.

I had no doubt whatsoever. I thought it was going to be really bad.

However he just gave me a quid to buy the binbags for his stuff.

I agree with everyone else and I am the Wayward. You MUST move back home. He has broken the agreement with you on two levels.
1. having kids and 2. having the affair

You are the victim here. He is not.

EXPOSE! It's the best resource for waking your H up and bringing him back to reality.

I exposed first to WH's family the day after Dday, and to his work sometime after.
Like you, by that time we no longer lived together. I had fallen hook, line and sinker for the "I have to sort my head out and need to be on my own' line.
Stupid me, all I did was give him the space and opportunity he needed to take up with POSOM which he of course did as soon as I had left.

I understand it's hard to reconcile the person you knew with the wayward he is now, but in truth they are no longer that person.

Do not allow yourself to get caught up in their spin doctoring.

After I exposed at WH's work, he told me ALL the people I told thought I was unhinged, unstable, resentful and a whole host of
other deplorable things.
Even if I believed my WH's claims on their opinion of me (I don't, they are a mere face-saving exercise) I do not have to answer to these people.

By exposing you help kill their little lovers' fantasy. People might not support you openly, but they will look at your WH and OW with different eyes.

With regards to your fear of exposure driving them closer together, this may indeed happen. But what may also happen is that their affair, now fully out in the open and scrutinized by everyone, will just burn out a lot quicker.
Reality is so much harder to do than fantasy.

I do not regret exposing one bit, even though my WH has not repented and is still with POSOW for all I know. As far as I was concerned, I had already lost him and I needed to deploy any and all weapons available to me to try and save my marriage.

Be strong, and expose. If you don't, you'll be beating yourself up later down the line asking yourself "what if I had...?"

You should expose because then they can't tote this out as a love story. My exposure was like a little cap gun, instead of a nuclear bomb. I don't regret that I did it however. Every single person I told knows the TRUTH. Now, WH and OW can't go around and tell people that the marriage was over, and then through being friends, they fell in love. Now EVERYONE KNOWS that their "relationship" started out as DECEIT and BETRAYAL. That is worth it to me.

You won't come off as sounding like the jealous ex if you use the templates provided in the exposure threads. That's the point. You just state the facts, and ask for their help in persuading the APs to do the right thing.

Now, if you were to get a message from someone on FB telling you that your friend was having an affair, what would you do? I'm betting you would try to persuade that friend to end her adulterous ways. You never know who will be a soldier in your fight to save your marriage so why not recruit as many people as you can. Any of the ones who are nay sayers, we just won't worry about them.

CD
I really don't mean to be rude but from the first post you are under the impression that your situation is unique and therefore you are rebutting all the advice you are given.

I am in the UK I had NO support from any of my friends and family to brake the A but I still did exposure and that itself woke my H up from his fantasy land.

I'm sorry to have to point this out but your situation is NOT unique and the advice you are getting regarding exposing the affair and going back home is spot on. There are hundreds of marriages that have been saved via this website and the Harley principals all over the world (America, Australia, UK and other parts of Europe), different cultures and varied backgrounds. No matter what the details of your circumstances are the wayward behaviour is the same and the way to bust this affair and have a chance at saving your marriage are the same.

We can't do the work for you but if you don't buckle up and get on with doing what has been advised on here you will look back and know that you didn't save your marriage because of fear. Right now from where I see it you have nothing to loose and everything to gain from busting this A in the open at their workplace and to everyone on the POSOW side.

Doing NOTHING is not going to save your marriage so please enough with the excuses. Your situation is not UNIQUE. Take control of your life and be proactive at saving your marriage.

Cali,

I understand some of those idiosyncrasies. I guess what it comes down to is: what are you willing to do to stop the affair?

CV

You have no idea what anyone thinks outside of what your perception is in your head. Stop, look, listen-You need to look at posts from everyone here. A lot of us were reluctant to expose and dragged our feet a bit. We all have our own idea of what we think might happen. If you do nothing, you will end up divorced for sure. Exposure only increases your chances to save your marriage.

You MUST follow Dr Harley's principles exactly, whether you agree with them or not. He's in the business of saving marriages and wouldn't tell you to do things that don't work. Trust what members here are saying and just do it or you will question your self later.

Doing things your way isn't working or you wouldn't be here asking for help. The only way that members here can help you is by you putting into action a plan that has been proven to work. DO IT!