My wife had a 4 year affair,in which sex occured 2-3 times per week the entire period, additionally, there were vacation getaways, under the guise of business trips, movies, dinners, picnics, etc. They also claimed they loved each other then. My wife told me recently, says she was young, foolish, though she loved him and of course, I didn't give her any attention, which I probably didn't. After it ended in 1993, she stayed with me, all the way through, of which I was an active alcoholic until 2005. We have 2 children born together well after the affair and have built a pretty wonderful life. All that being said, I cant get the images out of my head. I love her, want to die with her and be happy. We have a super sex life, but I am distraught over the affair. I knew the guy. Know where he is now. He is still married to the same woman with kids. He told my wife that his wife tricked him into pregnancy in 1991/2. I think he manipulated her in a time that he saw she was vulnerable and used her for 4 years. I am not relieving her of any resonsibility, but want to FIX him! How do I get the images and hatred out of my head to move on?

Hi Willical,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but you came to the right place. There are many great people here that will help you figure things out. Have you read through the site?

Can you give us more info? How long you've been married, age of kids, age of you and your wife.

The vets will be along shortly to help you out. Good luck and take care.

Hi willi,

So sorry you are here. It is a terrible and great place to be at the same time. You can have a great marriage, but there is a lot of work to do... Are you ready?

You are going to have to require some things from her and they won't be easy... To start with:

1) give a complete and accurate timeline of the affair and include all pertinent details... major events, etc...

2) answer all questions completely and honestly, including information about other possible affairs (this may require a polygraph test)

3) She will have to write him a no contact letter which you will approve and mail off together

4) She will have to list out extraordinary precautions that she will **LIVE** by in order to prevent another affair happening

5)You will have to expose this affair. Especially to the other man's wife.

once this is done, there are other things we can help with too. Managing memories and images is hard, but not impossible.

CV

Willical, after reading your story I could have easily written it myself. I was in the same situation as you but the affair was short lived. You need to get any answer that you need from your wife and expose the affair. as far as fixing the OM forget it it takes 2 to have an affair plus it is not worth it. Time will heal some thing but not everything. I just got off the phone with my wife asking her another question that I had never thought of. Her affair was 21 years ago. You were like me in I drove my wife away with my drinking. What's done is done. She is with you so apparently she loved you more than him. There is nothing you or I can do for something that happened in the past but always look to the future. Honesty and good luck to you.

Does the OM's W know about this affair?

Willical,

My W also had an affair 20+ years ago it began before we got married and lasted until about a year? into our marriage at which time she wanted to divorce me. I think it was only emotional after we got married as she spoke about how a woman will stop fooling around once she is married, but she continued to work with him until he left the company.

I'm not sure what her motives were for staying with me her story changes from time to time, but it stings me that I lived for 20+ years with a reduced quality marriage I can't get my time back and I feel some regret that I stayed loyal to my W turning down or walking away from other women.

I am not relieving her of any resonsibility, but want to FIX him! How do I get the images and hatred out of my head to move on?

Gather together whatever hard evidence you have letters etc, gain his confidence and interview the OM, bring along a voice recorder then turn over all to his W. You can likely expose to his children on facebook as well.

For me there is no forgiveness for OM2, since my W is the Mother of my children I have to forgive her, my W is still protective of OM2, I don't know if it is out of fear of divorce or of what I will do to OM2.

How did you find out about OM and the affair?

God Bless
Gamma

willical, welcome to MArriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons your find yourself here, but you are in the right place. You have much more to overcome because she has deceived you for 20 years. That is to add insult to injury. It usually takes a couple of years to recover from the discovery of an affair, so I am sorry to tell you, but those images won't go away soon.

I would get the book Surviving an Affair and follow the program for recovery in there. The reason your wife had an affair is because she has poor boundaries around men. Unless that is corrected, she will always be vulnerable to an affair anytime there is trouble in your marriage.

Dr Harley DOES recommend exposing an affair, even if it is years after discover. So I would definitely expose the affair to the OM's wife and probably your children.

My wife and I were married 25 years ago. The affait stared about 23 years ago and continues for 4 years. I was unattentive and drinking alot. She went out on long afternoons and such for years and I didnt even know it. She had him to OUR home, in OUR bed, probably over 100 times and I didnt know, not to mention hotels, cars and trips for "business." It stopped at about 6 years of marriage and she says nothing more, with anyone ever happened. I believe her. I was shocked, because I always thought her to be of the highest moral standard. We had our first daughter at about 9 years of ammriage and second at 12.I continues to drink until about 17-18 years of marriage and have been sober for 7+ years. I know she stayed through alot of bad times. She even says she thought it was her punishment. Things are great, the best they have EVER been in our marriage and I love her so much. She just told me recently and I cant get the images out of my head. I have many questions of which she was willingly and honestly answered most, that she can remember. She wants the questions to stop as they are also hurting her. She loves me and wants to make things work. How do I get teh images out of my head, move on and just LOVE?

by the way. The OM wife does know. She has known. She called my wife 20 years ago during and reamed her, but it continued. She told me all this. I'm not so sure about the "porr boundries around men" anymore, perhaps back then. She really is a different woman now and I am a different man.She doesnt want me to make contact for fear of how it will affect my kids. I'm sure she doesnt want to be publicly exposed to freinds and family either. I dont want her hurt anymore either.

Additionally, I dont wthing OM wife knows the full extent of the affair, maybe she does, but I would doubt it, since it continued after she called. I amsure she doesnt know that he told my wife his second kid he was tricked by his wife to get pregnant. I believe he was predatory in nature and identified my wife as vulnerable at that time. It by NO MEANS excuses her actions, but he is scum, to come into another mans home and sneak around.

One more thing. I have had 5 "one night stands" in my marriage. Well after her affair, but prior to my kids being born. So as you can see, I am by no measn any angel either. I have also told mmy wife about this.

One more thing. I have had 5 "one night stands" in my marriage. Well after her affair, but prior to my kids being born. So as you can see, I am by no measn any angel either. I have also told mmy wife about this.

will, I would call up the OM's wife and make sure she knows. If your wife is truly remorseful she won't mind this. And she won't mind your telling the kids and your close family members. Telling them would be therapeutic for your wife and for you. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the founder of Marriage Builders. Here is what he says about this issue:


I don't believe your wife has changed dramatically. After all, she has deceived you for 20 years. That is about as wayward as it gets and is not something to be swept under the rug. I am glad to hear she no longer practices poor boundaries around men, but the blame for the affair is 100% hers. If she had not done allowed this man to meet her needs, there would not have been an affair. Does she still allow others outside of marriage to meet her needs?

Recovery means making amends to the people she harmed, not sweeping her crime under the rug. She lied to you, the OM's wife and her children. True remorse is demonstrated by telling the truth.

Your kids have probably known about her affair for years but have been confused all this time. I can only imagine the guilt they feel about you, will.

It doesn't help your wife or anyone else to hide her affair.

Why did your WW come clean?

When and why did you come clean to your WW or did your WW find out on her own?

It is a must to call OMW and compare what you found out from WW and what OMW knows.

Willical,like I said I could have easily have written your story. My drinking almost destroyed my marriage. My wife ask for a divorce one day. I did not see that coming. She left me and started an affair with a man she worked with within two days. I still believe he pursued her. My wife had also never been with anyone else so I think that not being with anyone but me played a role also. We came within one day of a divorce before she decided that she wanted to make the marriage work. The OM left the job the week we got back together. Now for the images that you have in your head of what they were doing. They will be with you the rest of your life however over time they will sting less and less. You should make a list of all the questions that you want answered and ask your wife to truthfully answer them even though it is painful for her. If there is anything you do not want to know don't ask. I my case I wanted to know everything and I mean everything. My wife was very honest in answering any question. There is nothing that you or I can do to change what has happened in the past. There is no undoing an affair. Sounds like your wife wants to make your marriage work. Tell her you what answer and above all you want honest answers. I recently looked up the OM on face book and showed my wife she had forgotten his last name. Look at it on the bright side she is with you not him so if it is any comfort you are the better man. Now the images are there but not a constant distraction. Good Luck.

how could my kids have known, they were not even born yet?

we both came clean after a bad argument

Weld:

Thanks for your support. Some of the other posts dont seem very constructive. You seem to be in a better place and where I am at. Did you contact the OM or his W? To what end if it's been 20 years? Is it just my ego at this point?

Willi

melodyLane:

What about the fact that I almost NEVER met her meeds back then. I know it to be true, I was there and I was very into myself, what I was doing and selfish. Believe me!