I haven't felt the need to update here, and probably I should post to the Other section. I'm just not feeling good last several days on our marriage. The major thing in her mind I think is that I didn't ( I could not financially at this time) go down to visit her for our anniversary a week ago. So phone calls brief and sort of curt and like oh well how are you doing and weather here is great. Then Sunday we talked, and I am planning to go there in March and stay for awhile, and then talked about the cats. She's always loved cats/dogs and I know she misses our two cats now. It came down to she wants her cats she paid for them. It's not possible at all because she is in a nursing home. More than that which I told her also it's that they are happy and relaxed here and that would be bad for them to be moved.

So now after 40 years we're argruing over cats. That was her only focus. I can understand her frustration but it's frustrating to me to not be able to get through to her or to feel about her as we once did. Its as tho we're squaring off now. When I sprined my wrist a week ago and told her about it it was like nothing happened. I don't know I just really feel distant now and I am going to admit I haven't called her since Sunday or accepted her call. Also, after our son had a difficult time finding another permanent job he is working now driving a community bus mainly for seniors. It pays well, he is doing well, he's been able to buy a new car and now calls me lots offering to take me to stores but I don't need it altho I just go with him so we can get together. I don't drive anymore because of MD. But when I wanted to talk with her the other night about his success she acknowledged for like a few seconds and then returned to her. Just really p--d me off. Son is wanting to make funds to get the education and taining for couseling or veterinary science. Our daughter doesn't talk much to her either and it seems when Char asks me if I've heard from her and I tell her yes and how she is doingt that makes her uptight too.

I realize I can't be using this site to vent my problems and my frustrations now. I originally thought it related to marriage problems but now I realize I'm dealing with a woman I love but who has lost it in terms of dementia. I have been searching and want to find another support site that deals with this in terms of older separated spouses where one has to deal with this. From what I've seen not much there. So maybe I would have to get creative and invent one.

Tom

Hi Tom,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't see a problem with your thread. I think MB is the right place for you and what you're going through. I'm not a mod or anything, but if you're situation is the result of infidelity, you should be here. If not, maybe the mods can just move your thread. Either way, I don't think you need to go to another site. Take care.

Tom, does Char have any extenuating medical circumstances that absolutely require her to be in a skilled nursing facility? Don't post any details, but think about it.

My facility has had several married couples over the years with differing care needs - sometimes one spouse requires NO care from the facility.

I've also seen some skilled facilities that will make adjustments to allow spouses to stay together.

Have you looked into any of this?


*edit*


Tom, you two are physically separated. You've been around here long enough to get it you need to find a way to be with her as much as you possibly can, man!

on a side comment. Florence Nightingale for all the good she did, and she did do good in the Crimea. That quote does not speak well for her. First off Christ was martyred. And to call it in vain, well that's stupid. Next all the apostles were martyred except John. There blood was the seed of the church. Then of course Christ said: No GREATER LOVE THEN THIS, that a man should lay down his life for his friend (which he did). So in closing, Florence should have stayed in the hospital and out of any advice.

In closing I would suggest (if anyone is interested) that they read "FOXES book of martyrs. I defy any believer to read it, and come away with the idea that those people died either in vain, or how their example in scripture made people more selfish? Though I must give tacit approval to the "narrower" comment. Seeing how Christ had already said that "The path to destruction is broad and wide. While the path to salvation is narrow.....so narrow that it is about the width of a man. The Man/God Christ. JMHO

Darn, Tom, I hate to hear you're having a low point in your marriage! I'm going to recommend a couple of things:

1. Ask the mods to move this to Marriage Builders 101. It's a more specific forum that addresses your situation better.

2. Get down there and visit your wife! I think you'll have more success talking and less frustration if you are there physically with her instead of on the phone.

Side note to your side note; martyr is a word. It describes an action. That action does not always have to do with Abrahamic faiths...

JAF

ouch,

Haven't been able to get here for a couple of days.

At first your comments had me confused. I looked at what HHH had said, and couldn't see any relationship. But anyway now figured out that you were commenting on his tag line. Whatever ...*s*

Tom

MB Moderator on Duty,

Could you please move my topic to MB101. Thanks.

Tom

HHH, hi..

Yes unfortunately she does have medical conditons that require a skilled nursing facility. W/o going into details of our pursuit of assisted living for her (us) the last two years, she's been evaluated not qualified for this. I had been holding out that the assisted living would be possible. Our kids as it turns out wisely didn't think that was I recently met a couple of people in my area who are going thru this. We've exchanged experiences and ideas, but but there doesn't seem to be much here in Illinois that provides much of a solution. Bottom line is that the nursing home that she was in, which is one of just three in this area, also is a dumping ground for the mentally ill and homeless here and that means people from age 20 thru 70. Inappropriate to say the least!

The nursing home she is in now is restricted to age 50 and older. I finally realize that I am going to have to relocate to there. Besides being able to be with her it isn't a bad idea otherwise since it's alot warmer there and no more Chicago winters! There is always a problem and mine is that I want to keep working part time and the chicago area is a hub for jobs. I made our livliehood here and it will be hard to leave. At this time I am engaged in a couple of positions which pay well and not sure I could find even similar down there. I've decided that i am willing to get out of here for her. I'm (thank You Lord) still healthy as far as I know, active, and still want to work, so no way am I going to live in a nursing home or no way should I be accepted for that kind of facility. I am planning on getting a place near to where she is when I do relocated.

Thank you much for your advice and concern. I've seen your comments to others on the infidelity site and you just seem very cool! Thanks again.

Tom

I wanted to post here the other night, couldn't find my thread, and totally forgot that I wsa the one who requested that this be moved here to MB101. So, thanks moderators for reminding me.

I have a very personal thought I would like to get some opiinions on. For quite awhile now, since I have a little mroe time than I have in the past, I've wanted to write a book. Easy to say obviously because you can write a book on almost anything. Well I haven't done much with it because I've shifted betewen trying to think of a fantastic mystery/thriller novel, a sort of comedy yarn, and other things. The ideas that most of us have. I've learned my heart wasn't in it tho, and it would seem like 'work' if the ideas and worde didn't flow smoothly.

When you write about anything, it has to be convincing as well as novel to anyone you may be writing for. In other words, it just has to be something that you are convinced of and/or have knowledge of.

For the last several weeks this idea has been rolling around in m head off and on. It's not a thriller, or romance, or comedy sketch; it's a description of relationship with God. Yea I know...*s* The thing that struck me out of blue on Sunday was that a title came to mind: "The Ultimate Intimate Relationship". I just feel that this is such a personal and open-ended area that just one person's opinion of the view of thsi relationship might be worth the effort. My view of this after my years in my faith, and also awhile being a member here is my own interpretation that this relationship is as valid and valuable as the relationship we have with our spouses (or girlfriends, boyfriends, or significant others for the matter). It is a little more one-sided on the one hand because we don't have to worry about trust issues, and on the other it is a relationship that many of us could grow distant in from time to time because, as humans, sometimes it is hard to perceive 'the other party's presence day-to-day, and sometimes we don't simply make time to nurture this relationship by setting aside soem UA time for it. Yes, I believe there are very similar concepts between MB and the best relationship we could develop with God (as we each understand Him).

Anyway, I told a friend of mnie about this in a general way at breakfast thsi morning and he thought is was 'interesting' I respect the opinions of MB folks, so whether or not I pursue this I just wanted to throw it out here.


Tom

Sit down and start writing the story you want to tell. Simple. If you want to write a book, write one. If you want it to be about a relationship with God, go ahead. Nobody can tell you that it is good or interesting if it doesn't exist yet.

The Shack and The Celestine Prophesy are a couple of examples of inspired books that started as self-pubs and became best-sellers, so people are certainly interested in these types of stories told in an engaging fashion.

Yep CW you're right, simply means to do it.

Only thought here before I do was to just guage thoughts because it may be uncomfortable only do to the fact that I will have to reveal me. There are alot of 'sham' books tho, whether those 'thrillers' or self explanation. Not my intention. When I do this it is for maybe the one person who would even hear about it and be helped or encouaged in some way.

I have to say that way back when, when I was in the seminary and then in college I did write mainly for a monthly publication or a few sports articles for the college paper. I loved it. I just put it aside when I got marriied and well it's been on back burner since.

Tom

Writing reveals the writer, Tom. Good writing does, anyway. And who wants to read crap? Figuratively 'open a vein' and pour it onto the page. You will grow, whether anyone else reads it or not.

When it comes to literary works, no one can judge an idea. It is all in the execution. True, raw, and relatable words sell.

Fiction has great power to reveal truths, btw. And a lot more room than non-fic for creativity.